Page 2 | Iv upset my partner, advice please

Samantha87 · 2022-09-02T12:42:22+00:00

I (35) was showing my bf (37) a video on my phone the other day when a message flashed up from an old fwb that iv seen on and off since I was 15. He was asking me if I fancied meeting him for sex. My bf saw it and was obviously shocked. I showed him all previous messages in which I told him I now had a bf and couldn't see him anymore. My bf says he is showing me a lack of respect by keeping on asking me when he knows I'm taken. He's asked me to tell him to leave me alone. This guy was never a friend, it has always been about sex and my bf is amazing and I love him so much but he's not happy. I have 5 or 6 old fwb's that still text occasionally. I would never cheat but should I cut them all off?

Original poster

Samantha87 · 02/09/2022 15:58

EverythingHeadinSouth · 02/09/2022 14:22

I think your BF is showing clear signs of being an arse. I get that seeing the message must have been a shock for him but you've proved to him it was just a speculative reach-out from an old flame/fwb. That should have been enough for him.

I'm always wary of men who play the "he's disrespecting you" card in this sort of situation. You are an adult. It is up to you to decide if someone is disrespecting you or not and how you wish to deal with it. You don't need him to dictate to you. The reality almost certainly is that it is all about your BF's ego and sense of ownership than him giving a shit about you being shown respect.

So do you think that he isnt being disrespectful to me if iv told him im in a relationship and he keeps pestering me for sex? My bf is definitely not an arse. The problem is that this guy has and will carry on messaging me every so many weeks or months asking for sex or if I'm single yet. That is what my bf is annoyed about. We have a great relationship. We were out for a meal last night and I got a text from this guy saying "I'm horny, fancy a f**k." I told my bf and he said well aren't I lucky being with such a popular woman but I know he doesn't like it.

OP posts:

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 02/09/2022 16:02

What do you lose from blocking them and/or telling them to do one? What are the actual downsides?

Cos it seems like there are plenty of positives if you do cut them off like showing your commitment to your bf, maintaining your relationship etc.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 02/09/2022 16:07

Samantha87 · 02/09/2022 15:58

So do you think that he isnt being disrespectful to me if iv told him im in a relationship and he keeps pestering me for sex? My bf is definitely not an arse. The problem is that this guy has and will carry on messaging me every so many weeks or months asking for sex or if I'm single yet. That is what my bf is annoyed about. We have a great relationship. We were out for a meal last night and I got a text from this guy saying "I'm horny, fancy a f**k." I told my bf and he said well aren't I lucky being with such a popular woman but I know he doesn't like it.

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If this was the situation reversed in my relationship and women kept messaging my boyfriend he would be my ex. It sounds like you are not blocking these men to prove to either yourself how desirable you are or playing mind games with your boyfriend. Theres no reason for you not to block them.

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 16:10

We were out for a meal last night and I got a text from this guy saying "I'm horny, fancy a fk." I told my bf and he said well aren't I lucky being with such a popular woman but I know he doesn't like it.

god where’s your self,respect and why would you tell him that. What’s wrong with your? These men aren’t even treating you well.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2022 16:10

Samantha87 · 02/09/2022 15:58

So do you think that he isnt being disrespectful to me if iv told him im in a relationship and he keeps pestering me for sex? My bf is definitely not an arse. The problem is that this guy has and will carry on messaging me every so many weeks or months asking for sex or if I'm single yet. That is what my bf is annoyed about. We have a great relationship. We were out for a meal last night and I got a text from this guy saying "I'm horny, fancy a f**k." I told my bf and he said well aren't I lucky being with such a popular woman but I know he doesn't like it.

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You are being disrespectful to your B/F by not blocking that guy, by you not doing that and telling your B/F when he messages you asking you to fuck it looks like you're playing games/trying to make him jealous

essex956 · 02/09/2022 16:15

Why aren't the ex fwb's blocked??

Also if an ex fwb texts you that he's horny and wants to fuck, why would you tell current DP. To make him jealous or get attention?

I don't advise lying about the messages but I wouldn't go throwing them in his face either. Having said that I'd already have blocked them if they messaged regularly so wouldn't be in this situation

essex956 · 02/09/2022 16:20

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 16:10

We were out for a meal last night and I got a text from this guy saying "I'm horny, fancy a fk." I told my bf and he said well aren't I lucky being with such a popular woman but I know he doesn't like it.

god where’s your self,respect and why would you tell him that. What’s wrong with your? These men aren’t even treating you well.

Exactly this.

It's almost as if OP thinks it makes her look popular and is using it to make her current DP jealous by rubbing his face in the fact that so many men want to use her for casual sex then disappear for months on end til they're looking for easy, casual, NSA sex again

Hardly something I'd be bragging about and definitely not something that I would consider to put you up in the estimations of a decent guy looking for a LTR

If my DP told me this after 10 months and there were multiple woman messaging him cos they were horny I'd run a mile

Original poster

Samantha87 · 02/09/2022 16:38

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2022 16:10

You are being disrespectful to your B/F by not blocking that guy, by you not doing that and telling your B/F when he messages you asking you to fuck it looks like you're playing games/trying to make him jealous

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I'm honestly not playing games. I'm honest. Clearly too honest. I feel I have nothing to hide. I don't want anyone else but my bf. Part of me is worried that I'll fuck it up so maybe that's why I don't block him. I told my bf that and he said its a vicious circle as if I carry on like this I will fuck it up anyway. I'm not used to relationships. I am completely open with my bf. He has full access to my phone, not in unhealthy way, I'm shit at technology so always ask him to sort stuff for me. If I'm honest I didn't bat an eyelid with sexual messages from guys as I'm not interested. I was a little shocked that it bothered my bf.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2022 16:45

Samantha87 · 02/09/2022 16:38

I'm honestly not playing games. I'm honest. Clearly too honest. I feel I have nothing to hide. I don't want anyone else but my bf. Part of me is worried that I'll fuck it up so maybe that's why I don't block him. I told my bf that and he said its a vicious circle as if I carry on like this I will fuck it up anyway. I'm not used to relationships. I am completely open with my bf. He has full access to my phone, not in unhealthy way, I'm shit at technology so always ask him to sort stuff for me. If I'm honest I didn't bat an eyelid with sexual messages from guys as I'm not interested. I was a little shocked that it bothered my bf.

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So you wouldn't mind if he had other women messaging him asking him if he wanted to fuck?

I'm going to take you at your word when you say you're not playing games but it is something that someone who is playing games would do and I would feel exactly the same as your b/f in his shoes. If you like your b/f that much block this fwb guy, doesn't sound like he'll much of a loss to you anyway. It's a step forward to trusting this relationship and committing

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2022 16:47

and it's not that you have something to hide, it's just getting those messages and entertaining that guy (even by telling him that you're in a relationship still) is disrespectful to your relationship and your b/f

chipsandpeas · 02/09/2022 16:51

If roles were reversed and your boyfriend was getting these messages and not blocking after being told how uncomfortable it was making you then you would be told LTB

NeonK · 02/09/2022 16:58

You keep saying you're only interested in your boyfriend. So why won't you block these 'ex'-fwb? You don't even seem to be considering it.

Original poster

Samantha87 · 02/09/2022 16:59

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2022 16:45

So you wouldn't mind if he had other women messaging him asking him if he wanted to fuck?

I'm going to take you at your word when you say you're not playing games but it is something that someone who is playing games would do and I would feel exactly the same as your b/f in his shoes. If you like your b/f that much block this fwb guy, doesn't sound like he'll much of a loss to you anyway. It's a step forward to trusting this relationship and committing

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My bf asked me the same question ages ago and I answered honestly which was no. I wouldn't mind, I said It would turn me on. He said that was a red flag and thought I wanted an open relationship. As the weeks go by, I'm more and more in love and I do want him to myself and I want a committed relationship. When I met him I only wanted sex. After the 1st time he told me he wouldn't see me again as he didn't want a fwb. We kept in contact though. I was gutted as he was amazing in bed. He made me feel different. He wanted to date me, wasn't bothered that I had 2 kids and was interested in me as a person. I am 35 and am still finding out who I am. He is very emotionally secure and knows what he wants and has very good morals which I mistook for boring. I can't mess this up....

OP posts:

Milkand2sugarsplease · 02/09/2022 18:28

Bloody hell. If you want to be with him, block the randoms. Not because he wants you to, but because you want to be with him, and therefore not be with any of the others.

Oopsiedaisyy · 02/09/2022 19:55

I've had old fwbs, and those who wished to be, message me, but since date 2 with bf I've said I'm not interested.

If they have pushed the issue, I've blocked them.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 19:55

Block people from your past. It's that easy.

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 20:12

You’re not behaving in a healthy way op. I am not sure I believe you are so gagging for sex you can’t see any issue with your behaviour and as you had a 14 year relationship and two kids you clearly are used to relationships. It feels like more you think this is what men want and you don’t care how they treat you. You just need to offer sex.

honestly? If I was him I’d bin you off. If you were male or female and if I was. I’d get rid and fast. No way I’d be with a man who behaved like this and no way I’d be with one who proclaimed it turned him on to see me get those messages.

whatever you’ve got going on it wouldn’t be for me, and I’d hope for his sake it’s not for him.

economicervix · 02/09/2022 20:18

Do your kids feature much in your life? In between all the sex, texting, dramas?

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 20:22

I can't mess this up....

you already have. I don’t disgust easily. But you got me.

Dery · 02/09/2022 20:30

“You’re not behaving in a healthy way op. I am not sure I believe you are so gagging for sex you can’t see any issue with your behaviour and as you had a 14 year relationship and two kids you clearly are used to relationships. It feels like more you think this is what men want and you don’t care how they treat you. You just need to offer sex.”

This. It is mystifying that you say you really want this relationship to work and yet you have contact with previous FWBs. And I speak as someone who’s been in an open relationship. Hopefully this can be retrieved, OP, but you’ve said you thought he was boring for having good morals so it sounds like you’re coming from very different places on this.

Dery · 02/09/2022 20:35

And the message you’re sending by not blocking your old FWBs is that you think you may wish to sleep with them again. It’s that simple. You may be comfortable with an open relationship/polyamory and I get that, but your BF needs to be okay with that and it seems very unlikely that he would be.