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Original poster

Why would someone want to stay in contact but not meet?

44 replies

LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 07:31

This isn't a romantic relationship, it's a friendship/acquaintance.

Friendly for not very long through shared circumstances. I had to relocate. They made consistent effort over the 4 yrs since to stay in contact and have done the Christmas card thing .... Yet when I suggested a meet up (in their immediate area, with my own accommodation supplied, once or twice tops), they visibly baulted and had more excuses than Boris Johnson not to.

They then disappeared from contact until they thought the proposed visit/meet up period (summer essentially) was passed and have popped up again with effusive apologies. They've enquired if I made my trip, how it went (I feel like so they can confirm the danger is past lol) and when I wrote that I'd postponed it (for various reasons I'll not bore you all with) but would consider it for later, she's disappointed again. My instincts tell me she's was hoping it was done, she'd got out of meeting up, and could resume contact with no danger of any expectation of meeting up. But is now wondering how to make excuses for the next x months as well.

Why bother making the effort to stay in contact with someone in another region, if you don't want to seemingly ever meet then again??
And it was mostly her initiating.

(There would have been minimal effort/disrupting get part, I was coming to get area and accompanying myself(she's also vern given an open invitation to my area, with accommodation supplied for her, but I have a feeling would never take it up)).

Any perspectives would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 07:33

They've enquired if I made my trip, how it went (I feel like so they can confirm the danger is past lol) and when I wrote that I'd postponed it (for various reasons I'll not bore you all with) but would consider it for later, she's disappeared* again

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 07:35

Bold fail; I was trying to highlight the word disappeared (autocorrect changed it to disappointed).

OP posts:
PolkaDotShoes · 02/09/2022 07:38

I have a friend like this, someone I reacquainted with from school. We met after 30 years, got on like a house on fire for the whole afternoon, have chatted continually on WhatsApp for the last two years since - but every time we arrange to meet, they cancel on me.

Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 07:39

Just to clarify, her reaction when meeting up once or twice was suggested was a weird combination of 10 per cent positivity and suggestions of what we could do, and 90 per cent excuses for not meeting (I'd say she almost sounded panicked).

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/09/2022 07:41

Does she go out the house for work/meet up with others?
mum wondering if it’s a behaviour specific to you or a general behaviour

Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 07:45

PolkaDotShoes · 02/09/2022 07:38

I have a friend like this, someone I reacquainted with from school. We met after 30 years, got on like a house on fire for the whole afternoon, have chatted continually on WhatsApp for the last two years since - but every time we arrange to meet, they cancel on me.

What is going on with them?

Are they just shit/anxious/overwhelmed by actual meetings.

Is the low effort, "controlled", minimal messaging thing what they're happy with.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 07:47

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/09/2022 07:41

Does she go out the house for work/meet up with others?
mum wondering if it’s a behaviour specific to you or a general behaviour

She works part-time or almost part-time.

She told me she had taken on a half marathon or something with another girl (previously I knew she sent for runs, seemed like in her own).

OP posts:
MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 02/09/2022 07:48

Do you get something back from the WA conversations? If so just enjoy a penfriend type friendship.

If it is them that has made the effort to stay in touch it is more than likely their issues that are stopping them from wanting to meet up, but I don't see how speculating on MN will help.

Summerhillsquare · 02/09/2022 07:50

Anxiety about in person stuff, boredom re continuing messages.

Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 07:53

boredom re continuing messages

On her part?

I haven't initiated the messaging since I relocated, she did.

She writes quite long, comprehensive messages when she gets in contact (usually because there's been a reasonable gap in between), I respond with comprehensive messages. They are catch ups. She asks for photos and send photos, I send them back etc.

If she's bored by messages, why message? I just respond and I don't expect fast responses. Sometimes I don't respond for a bit too.

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 02/09/2022 07:54

Well I was going to suggest agoraphobia but if she's doing half marathons that's not likely it....

No idea, but so weird. Given you have nothing to lose why don't you call her out on it?

Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 07:54

Anxiety about in person stuff

I think maybe this is it

OP posts:
Phineyj · 02/09/2022 07:56

Ah, I get this a bit with my younger sister.

Some people like to pigeonhole you and can't be flexible - she's got you in a box of 'Lemondrop22' who I WhatsApp'.

Don't waste any more headspace on her.

It was a bit more serious with my sister who had me pigeonholed as 'Phineyj who is a career woman who doesn't want children' (I'm not guessing this; she said it).

She's never really forgiven me for having a DC!

Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 07:56

Do you get something back from the WA conversations? If so just enjoy a penfriend type friendship.

While I enjoy communicating with people, I don't really see the point in staying in touch if you never meet in person, even if it's once in a blue moon.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 02/09/2022 07:57

I agree - you do need that occasional contact in person or it becomes hard to visualise them.

Different if the relationship's only ever been virtual.

Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 07:58

If it is them that has made the effort to stay in touch it is more than likely their issues that are stopping them from wanting to meet up, but I don't see how speculating on MN will help.

It'll help me decide whether to bother messaging them back if/when they pop up again.

Was hoping for insight as to what might be the reasons for this behaviour and relayed advice ... That's what this forum is for.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 07:59

*related advice

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/09/2022 08:00

Maybe it’s more social anxiety/social awkwardness. I find it easier to communicate in text with people and I know someone else who is very vibrant in text but very different IRL. Maybe as so much of your recent relationship has been virtual she’s worried about managing face to face interaction with you.

Does she do lots of face to face socialising or is the running with a friend a one off new thing. As someone who is socially awkward myself I’d be much happier going for a run with someone than sitting in a cafe with them, because there is a focus for the meeting and talking will be around the activity and quiet moments won’t be awkward (assuming talking while running would be hard anyway).

Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 08:01

Phineyj · 02/09/2022 07:56

Ah, I get this a bit with my younger sister.

Some people like to pigeonhole you and can't be flexible - she's got you in a box of 'Lemondrop22' who I WhatsApp'.

Don't waste any more headspace on her.

It was a bit more serious with my sister who had me pigeonholed as 'Phineyj who is a career woman who doesn't want children' (I'm not guessing this; she said it).

She's never really forgiven me for having a DC!

I hope it doesn't affect you too much.

Not having solid relationships with siblings can be sad/demoralising.

OP posts:
MeanderingGently · 02/09/2022 08:08

I have several friends who keep in touch by email and photographs, but we haven't seen each other in many years. It's just a friendship, like any other.

I did meet up with one lass recently, I haven't seen her since the 1990s but after COVID I moved back to an area not too distant from her and we did agree to meet up. I wondered if I'd recognise her but I did - we have both changed a lot though - I also wondered if we'd have enough to chat about being "in person" but actually we chatted and chatted after the ice was broken. We'll probably meet up again, but most of my 'distant' friends will stay that way.....can't see why it's a problem myself....

Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 08:12

Maybe as so much of your recent relationship has been virtual she’s worried about managing face to face interaction with you.

We always had an easy, natural interaction experience; so Id find it hard to imagine she'd worry about that. We got on, were on the same wavelength, as such.

She is friendly with another girl from the same group we all meet through (she's the one that set up the WA group for it), though I'm not sure how often they see each other or message. (They live very close).

I believe I said I'd be v happy to have that girl included too, so it wouldn't even had to have been one on one as such, if the other girl accepted.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 08:17

Does she do lots of face to face socialising or is the running with a friend a one off new thing.

She initiated the wA group and socializing for the group we met through. She hosted several things in her home; in fact she was the only one who did, apart from a clothes swap/buying thing another girl did.

She is from another country originally and had relocated area not long before too; I presumed she wanted to make friends and have a network.

I didn't hear her talk of other friends back then, but as I said she's def stayed friends with one of the other girls from the group who lives near her.

Aside from that, she seems quite couple/family oriented.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrop22 · 02/09/2022 10:00

MeanderingGently · 02/09/2022 08:08

I have several friends who keep in touch by email and photographs, but we haven't seen each other in many years. It's just a friendship, like any other.

I did meet up with one lass recently, I haven't seen her since the 1990s but after COVID I moved back to an area not too distant from her and we did agree to meet up. I wondered if I'd recognise her but I did - we have both changed a lot though - I also wondered if we'd have enough to chat about being "in person" but actually we chatted and chatted after the ice was broken. We'll probably meet up again, but most of my 'distant' friends will stay that way.....can't see why it's a problem myself....

Did you initiate the meet up or her (or sort of both)?

How would you have felt if she displayed obvious aversion to meeting (with a wide/long window in which to meet) yet still messaged big catch up messages?

Presumably you haven't tried to meet with the others and vice versa.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 02/09/2022 14:29

Joined at the hip to a partner? Put on masses of weight and feels embarrased- is anxious about getting on face to face? Could be many reasons

Mary46 · 02/09/2022 15:34

Hi op is she socially awkward. I email a girl from school year I suggested a coffee. It never happened. I think she happy via emails. She wasnt a great mixer in school with others though