Why would someone want to stay in contact but not meet?

[LemonDrop22]

This isn't a romantic relationship, it's a friendship/acquaintance.

Friendly for not very long through shared circumstances. I had to relocate. They made consistent effort over the 4 yrs since to stay in contact and have done the Christmas card thing .... Yet when I suggested a meet up (in their immediate area, with my own accommodation supplied, once or twice tops), they visibly baulted and had more excuses than Boris Johnson not to.

They then disappeared from contact until they thought the proposed visit/meet up period (summer essentially) was passed and have popped up again with effusive apologies. They've enquired if I made my trip, how it went (I feel like so they can confirm the danger is past lol) and when I wrote that I'd postponed it (for various reasons I'll not bore you all with) but would consider it for later, she's disappointed again. My instincts tell me she's was hoping it was done, she'd got out of meeting up, and could resume contact with no danger of any expectation of meeting up. But is now wondering how to make excuses for the next x months as well.

Why bother making the effort to stay in contact with someone in another region, if you don't want to seemingly ever meet then again??
And it was mostly her initiating.

(There would have been minimal effort/disrupting get part, I was coming to get area and accompanying myself(she's also vern given an open invitation to my area, with accommodation supplied for her, but I have a feeling would never take it up)).

Any perspectives would be appreciated.

I had a friend like this. Honestly, I think she didn't like me any more (if she ever did in the first place) but felt guilty as I hadn't done anything bad so she kept emailing even though it was pretty clear we would never meet again.

Oh that's kind, OP. I did angst over my sister for a long while but I've set some boundaries now and I focus on my wonderful group of friends. I have an only child so at least I know siblings aren't always all that!

She's definitely seems v "couply" and also her h has a (not major) health issue which means she sometimes has more burden on her than 'normal".

She is from a very traditional background where the woman bears everything, as such.

(Doubt she'd put on weight if she's been marathon running, she's always been v slim, runs, and seems to be particular about her figure. She looks no different in photos).

Forgot to say, I just can't imagine her being anxious about meeting face to face.

We always got on very easily and naturally.

She wanted to video chat but we haven't coordinated a date yet.

She's the one who set up the WA group and most of the meet ups that we got to know each other through.

(She eventually got sick of setting things up/making the effort, I think, and left the group after a while. It was falling apart due to changing circumstances anyway (maternity leave over).

No, not at all.

I just find it strange.

What is the point of messaging each other catch ups and photos every whuppabout for years, but if I divert a trip to her area (or make a trip separately because the diversion was looking like too much hassle when I looked into travel arrangements), not want to meet up even once?

I specifically said I'd get an Airbnb around the corner. She'd have to drive us to the 2 things we mentioned (one is v close by) but I wouldn't think twice about doing that if someone visited my area.

I'm wondering is she very careful with money (?) Maybe prioritises spending on family etc and doesn't want to spend money doing things with an acquaintance, I just don't know.

She seemed absolutely non plussed that I would divert a trip to meet up with her (with our kids, we met through an antenatal group originally) and I had to explain that I was not visiting the town, or there due to my partner's work, not there for any other reason etc; I was just suggesting coming to the town/area, a couple of hours diversion from my main trip .. in order to meet up and do one or two nice things with them in the area.

Is that crazy/weird for someone you had a friendship with for a few months and who has initiated staying in contact when you relocated and maintained that for 4 years?

Maybe it's me who's odd lol.

If she came here, I'd put her up if I could, and would organise a couple of nice things to do and give her any lifts she needed. Am I the weird one?

Could it be she's short of money and worried about the cost of drinks or lunch?

I was wondering if money was the issue.

Maybe she's very careful with it, but her only outlay would be entry into a cheap ish petting farm ... And maybe a kid theme park type place. She's paid to go to both before. She'd have fuel costs for the latter but I would have offered money towards that (I suppose she doesn't know that).

(You could probably take packed lunches to both if you wanted).

If this was on MTV I'd say you're being catfished and the texts aren't from who you think they are. On MTV these people always refuse video calls so try that 🤔

Ahhh I'm like this! I can't help it. I'm autistic and very socially awkward.

I meet my friends regularly because it's regular.

But I'm terrible at meeting friends who I haven't seen for years. However I did my absolute best to see my friend from NZ a few weeks ago when he was here and I did it, had a fab time and had no regrets.

Social anxiety.

Please don't be offended as your friend could be me. I adore all my friends and wish I could meet up with the ones far from home. The reason I don't is a hidden illness which I massively play down as I don't want to appear sorry for myself or desperate for sympathy. I never know how my health and energy levels will be so I'm terrified making an arrangement and then letting someone down. If she is anything like me she will be feeling mortified deep down and wishing she was a bit more normal. I'm really lucky my friends have stood by me as I value each and every one even if we just chat on phone or text.

How old is this friend?
I went through 2/3 years of cancelling everything at the last moment due to anxiety. It turns out I was suffering with the menopause!
A few months on HRT and I was back to the old me.
I'm not saying this is what your friend/acquaintance is going through but it could be

Probably too young for menopause.

Actually, through this thread esp when I wrote about how non plussed she was when I suggested I divert/add to a trip to meet up with her, that I thought her staying in contact meant she would want to meet up sometime if we were in the sane area and make the bit of effort that entails ..... But she doesn't, end of story.

She doesn't think like me, I don't know what she gets out of staying in contact with someone she had no plans/hopes to see again ( and wouldn't make an effort for even if they say they'll come to get area) but ... Different strokes for different folks.

We're clearly just very different types of people.

I doubt she'll respond to my latest response to her recent long, apologetic message. So I'll just leave it at that.

I'd just make it clear I wasn't interested in having a pen pal, and I wanted to have friends that I could see, even if just occasionally, and let the 'friendship' go.

I can be a bit like this, at the moment, though not as bad I hope! I have a small circle of close friends - I think of them.as my "inner circle" - just counted it up and it's 5 people - that I WhatsApp chat with pretty much daily, yet 4 of them ( who don't live locally to me any more) I haven't seen for months - years in one case. It's mainly expense - we really are skint - plus the difficulty of committing to things balanced with home, family and work commitments. It's nothing to do with my level of love/liking for them - I still consider them really close friends.

I can be like this too.
Anxiety,, lack of confidence, lack of money (although I'm referring more to a holiday abroad than a petting farm), weight gain, and I suspect/know I can be depressed at times. The thought of meeting up in person can seem overwhelming and its upsetting because I genuinely like the person and would like to spend time with them but I feel so anxious that I put it off and make excuses but I can't really tell them the truth either.......

I really appreciate your post. My best friend has been avoiding in-person meetups for over half a year now and always mentions that she has too much social interaction at the moment and it would stress her out. From friends who live with her, I know that she isolates herself a lot and it doesn’t seem like she’s interacting with a lot of people anymore. We’re both introverts and used to feel uplifted, not drained by each other’s presence. I always tell her that I’m happy to meet even only for a short time, on her terms, whenever but she never responds to meeting up or makes excuses why she can’t. I’ve been suspecting an anxiety disorder for a while. Do you have any tips for how to deal with this and perhaps make it easier for her? I honestly feel heartbroken to the core and don’t know if I should end the friendship because it’s taking such a toll on me. She always says she prefers writing but I feel like at this point, we’re interacting with our past versions (due to moving, we overall haven’t seen each other for 1 1/2 years). A part of me wants to lovingly tell her how I’m feeling but I’m scared she will retreat into her shell (at least then I could properly grieve our friendship). Sorry for departing from the original post 🫣