I need help, partner broke up with me out of nowhere

[mm2299]

Hi, I’m a 23 years old and have been with my partner for the last 9 months. We met a year ago and just connected extremely well. I have a son and at the time he was around 9 months old. We were both 22 when we met and at first he was hesitant to be with me because I had a baby. But after seeing each other for 4 months he said to me he didn’t want to be without me just because I had a baby. He was all in. Since then we have had an amazing relationship. He owns a bar a restaurant with his mum, works everyday, stays active and always made time for us. There were moments where he told me he was struggling with my son as he loves him so much and just wants him to call him dad. He would freak out but then always come and say how much he loved me and wanted us. Within this time I moved into my own place with my son, him and his mum asked me to work for them and then 3 months ago he told me to move out of my place and come live with him and his brother (their mum was paying for them to live in a house so I would also live rent free and save money) and then we would move into his house that’s getting built. We lived together for 3 months and everything was great. We don’t have any issues. Of course bickering and annoying each other at times but we always communicated well and didn’t hold grudges. I was invited to come on their family trip overseas. We came back a week ago and 3 days later he breaks up with me. Says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and this life isn’t for him he’s 23. But while we were away he said he wanted to get engaged next year, have kids in 3 years and we spoke about moving into his place. I’m just so confused. I asked him to just think about it and we spoke days after and he cried hugging me saying he’s sorry he wishes it didn’t need to be like this. His mum has called me a few times and said he’s really struggling at the moment and needs to do this alone and be on this journey on his own. I can’t help but think she’s encouraged him to do this. He still wants me to work for him and so does she… I’ve moved my whole life for him because how dedicated he was to me. He’s not a normal 23 year old. He took my son in and treated him as his own, welcomed us and loved us. I’m a very independent person but always said to me it’s ok you have me now.. and now he’s left me just like that.
He’s a very fitness oriented person and loves work. The last 3-4 months he’s stoped going to the gym and put on weight. He stopped this because he needed to cook in the kitchen as they were down a chef. He said he was so tried and was so unhappy hated working in there. He’s always renovating his bar so currently closed for nearly 2 months (that’s why we went overseas) and now he’s back I feel he’s unhappy and decided to push me away. He would always say to me he’s never let women in as much as me, he’s never let anyone close to his family and life. He told me his psychologist said he’s scared to give his whole self to a women.

I’m just struggling so much, I don’t know what to do I’m not ready to let him go. He still talks to me everyday, sends me random Snapchats… I’ve been keeping my distance making sure I’m out all day not seeing him. As I want to give him that space. The day we broke up he slept on the couch the next day he went out for dinner, called me after dinner to tell me how good it was and that he won’t be home late. He gets home and sleeps in bed with him and then the next night sleeps in bed with me again. Since then he’s been sleeping at his mums place, perfectly good queen size bed there. But he has only been packing a toothbrush so needs to come home every morning to shower and get dressed… Last night I come home with my son and he’s on the couch watching tv, acting somewhere normal but I could sense he was sad. He goes out for a family dinner then then later that night he comes home.. opens our door and says I just miss my home. I said alright I can sleep on the couch and he said nah should be fine I’m going to go watch tv. Then after an hour comes into bed and acts all normal, like the old days…

My head is rattled I don’t know what to think, I’m so I’m love with him but confused with why he would want to leave me. I’m a very relaxed girlfriend, he can do as he pleases I’ve never and would never stop him from going out seeing friends or anything. With work though he doesn’t even have time to see fiends has we works everyday like 50 hours a week…

I want to suggest is living separately as it’s still a very new relationship and things went fast. He can get active again and do what he wants I just don’t want to not be there and I feel if he really didn’t want me I would be cut off?…

what do I do and how do I get him back…

I’m sorry for this paragraph, hopefully it makes sense to someone…

why would someone changed their whole life for someone else tell them to move him and start a life with them and then say no thanks. He said I’ve done nothing wrong, he love me. He held me the other night and said it has to be this way… I said no it doesn’t. It’s like it’s not coming from him or he doesn’t really want it he just thinks it’s the right thing to do.. I feel he is really struggling but with something deeper, I’ve known that since the day I met him but I always supported him and stood by him when he would have these moments whatever they may be about. Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you push someone away. And to add I don’t be when he says he’s not in love with him because the way I felt and how he used to say he felt shows different and I still feel it with him….

9 months! Wow, that is a fast moving, intense, over-invested relationship for two people in their early 20's with a child. I'm really sorry, it must hurt a lot, but I think you have to believe him. He doesn't want this relationship. Perhaps if you didn't have a child, but you do. He maybe thought he could take on the responsibilities, and has realised over the last three months it's not for him now. Mistakes were made on both sides, but right now you need to get life together independently again for yourself and your son. Can you get a job away from him? He's crazy to think working together is an option. Again, really sorry it's so hard, but he doesn't want to be with you.

That’s moved very fast in 9 months and it sounds like he’s love-bombed you. The ‘love you but not in love with you’ is a classic line from The Cheater’s Script and I’d be wondering in he hadn’t met someone else. The hospitality industry is famous for affairs and extra curricular relationships. You will have to disentangle yourself from his family. Find somewhere else to live and a new job - staying in that environment will only bring you more pain if and when he moves on (if he hasn’t already). He’s still very young and it sounds like you are at different stages in your lives.

It’s moved very fast but he’s come to me for it all I’ve just waited to see how he feels as I know he’s been hesitant. But everytime he’s come back and shown me he’s wanted me and tells me he does and tells me he loves me he’s never been like this with a women before.
Even now he’s still around making me feel like I’m wanted even though he’s broken up with me.
But don’t you think it’s all for a reason like why bother that much with someone… why bother seriously surely I meant something to him for him to act the way he did. The way he would make me feel and help me and love me and my son it’s crazy to me how someone can do that..

I just want him back I still feel there is hope. What can I do

@ShandaLear is absolutely spot on regarding what you should do.

I could have been that guy. I recall when i was about the same age as your BF i was in a similar situation. I actually got engaged but i was not "in love" with her. On reflection i think i was in love with the thought of being in love. Anyhow, i broke it off but was initially still seeing her, it was "comfortable" and "easy", she wanted to oblige, i was working hours, i carried on for a bit, like having a comfortable pair of slippers to wear. I wasn't having an affair, there wasn't anyone else, i had simply fallen out of love, or rather not been in love in the first place but came to the realisation and knew it wasn't what i wanted but it went on beyond where it should have - I'm not proud of that, just being honest here that was how it was.

Later when i met my wife now, i found true love. I have been married 23 years and love her more today than the day i first met her, she is my everything. It is nothing like that relationship.

I know this post isn't what you want to hear, I'm just sharing my own experience. Not saying this is how it is for you but i don't want to give you false hope. Take the advice given. Its your son that is the important one, protect him and yourself. Let events take their course, If your guy wants you he will fight for you but based on what you have posted he is still young and i don't see it as being likely.

Good Luck

Stop hoping for it all to work, OP.
That’s the best you can do as you’ll feel awful for longer.

I think relationships are like shoes; you try them on…if it doesn’t fit, no matter. It’s ok for it not to be ok.

It sounds like you need this relationship to be ok more than him. He’s tried but it’s not for him. All the to and fro behaviour needs nipping in the bud as that’s going to be a bit of a head-f for you, which you don’t need.

Get your own place and a new job and focus on you and your boy for a while.

Learn from this, though. Don’t move in with anyone else in a fast moving relationship again. Don’t give up yourself for anyone else, no matter what they promise.

You’ll be ok! This will get better.

Open, you need to start making decisions rather than going along with his. Your choice to give up your place and move you and your son into his after knowing him six months was a really poor decision.

It also doesn’t make sense to me why you would be living rent free, you should be paying your own way. It becomes very unequal when one person mooches off the other. Did you pay your own way on the travelling? He may have realized you are in it for what you can get from him.

You are young and this is a good life lesson. Next time stay independent, pay your own expenses, keep your own place and move the relationship along on a much slower timeline.

I always pay my own way. Yes he owns his own bar and restaurant but I never ate or drank for free I always paid because I wanted to that was right I didn’t want to take. I loved into a place with my son and my friend was meant to move in with me, she then didn’t and I was left to pay a massive rent but I was doing it. He came to me and said mum and I have spoken move in with us, you can live for free but do work on social media account as payment so I still gave back. He said then we will move into my place. I wait a week to think about it and said I didn’t want to live everything unless you’re 100% he said yes he was and that we’re with each other every night anyway so it’s no different. So I did. I offered to pay I said I wasn’t comfortable and the mum said good things happen to good people take the help. He would also say to me you don’t need to do everything yourself take help from people.

the family trip was paid for yes but again his mum came to me and said I want to invite you on this family holiday we do one every year (haven’t been able to as of covid) but we want you to come. He was so excited. I know it sounds bad from my end but I thought I was being treated out of love.

Im happy to live separately but work together I love my job and they want me to work with them. My son loves him so much and always asks for him. I told myself I wouldn’t let a man close to him unless I was serious and so was he. I told him this and still 110% all I’m with us.
How could I go to him and say let’s live separately work together and be together maybe that would work so everything it’s together.

im not ready to end this and I feel he isn’t either. If he was he would talk to me, call me or want to work with me? Or want to come home and stay in our bed. If I broke up with him I wouldn’t want to be around him nor sleep next to him…

Let him go OP. He's immature and messing you around too much. Why would you want to stay with a guy like that? But you'll grieve for the relationship anyway because that's normal. You are still very young and in time, you'll learn from this.

Find another job. Find your own place. Maybe ask at the council about going on the housing list. Don't engage with him anymore. Treat every attempt by him to mindfuck you with contempt. Just, try and disengage. The odd fuck off! would be of use to you. Try and move on.

From your last post he sounds more like he wanted to help and save you, rather than being with you out of love. He's realised that permanently this isn't for him.
I wouldn't cling on wanting to work with them, that will make it harder to move on.

He may be confused and have conflicted feelings and not be completely sure what he feels or wants - that is normal for humans.

However, you shouldn't want to put yourself and your son in the middle of conflicted and confused feelings and all that uncertainty. It isn't healthy for either of you. He may well truly care for you but something about the relationship is making him pull away and isn't right for him and your role is to prioritize your son and yourself, not to ride the rollercoaster of his angst.

Wise words from Midlifemusings. It's understandable that you wanted to be swept away on a torrent of romance but, in future, I'd suggest you set the tempo of a relationship and don't rush into stuff.

And fgs don't protract the breakup by trying to win him back. He's buzzing round cause he doesn't want to be the bad guy. Firmly but gently shut him down and get on with putting your life back together. It will hurt less that way.

Hi OP - sorry you’re in this position.

From the outside, this just reads that it all moved far too fast and at 23, he’s not ready to commit to you for the rest of his life.

It’s not your fault. You tried to be cautious while he was all for rushing ahead. But my understanding is that the part of the brain which assesses risk and consequences is, genuinely, more developed in women than in men, plus you’re a mother and so more cautious again than a non-parent. So you’re thinking - what happens if this goes wrong? He was probably really just thinking in the moment.

It may also be that his mother put some pressure on him about this. I think they probably both meant well. But in the end, it’s too much for him and the relationship is more important to you than it is to him. The reason he can still be around you is because he cares less than you do. It’s comfortable for him to be with you. You care more and you’re the one who’s been rejected so this is all painful for you in a way it isn’t for him.

I think the best thing to do would be to make preparations to move out so that you can start to recover from this man and make a life for you and your son. This is very disappointing for you, OP, and it’s natural to feel very hurt. Those feelings will pass in time, however.

I just don’t understand how someone can love so hard and make the other person believe it. Why bother starting a life with me then I just don’t understand.

why does he still want to talk to me and be around me and work with me.

im not sure how I can walk away. I wasn’t ready he was seriously infatuated with me a week ago…

I feel he is confused, he’s the type of guy when he’s done he’s done. And I feel he isn’t just by how he’s still acting… I still look at him and see a future with him what’s wrong with me

You need to make a clean break. He can't miss you if you are still there. He might not come back though. He is doing the right thing if he isn't 100% sure, especially as you have a child. I know you feel like your heart is broken, but you are very young and you will get over this too.

I wasn’t looking to fall in love and now he’s caught me. I feel so hurt someone who cares about me so much could do this. We don’t see each other all day, I’m still staying at home as I don’t have many places to go especially with my boy. His bar is closed at the moment for renovations so iM not getting paid for work so can’t actually apply for houses.. it’s a catch 22… he is staying at his mums but doesn’t want to pack a bag so comes home every night and morning.. you’d think he’d just pack a bag? Him and his mum are best friends, so Close no issue staying there. He’s got his own room so why still come home when you said you didn’t want me, why still decide to sleep in our bed last night? It’s confusing.

There were moments where he told me he was struggling with my son as he loves him so much and just wants him to call him dad.

This stood out to me and I found it very very weird. It's only been 9 months. In all honesty for you and your sons sake just let him go. You'll be better on your own.

It’s not your fault. You tried to be cautious while he was all for rushing ahead. But my understanding is that the part of the brain which assesses risk and consequences is, genuinely, more developed in women than in men, plus you’re a mother and so more cautious again than a non-parent

Huh? Where was this caution when she moved her young son in to live with a man she had been dating for 6 months?

Sadly I think this relationship has run its course. Be strong, cut all ties including working with him, finding a new home and move on.
He wasn't ready to play happy families, even if he gave it a try. TBH very few men are nowadays at that age. Good luck.

Do you think there might be someone else? Being out every evening and night, only taking a toothbrush and coming home to shower and get dressed under the guise of ‘being at his mums’ doesn’t seem normal to me either.

I suspect he’s messaging you, talking to you and sleeping next to you in bed because he thinks it’s the best way to let you down gently. He’s young and immature - he doesn’t realise the extreme, but temporary pain of a clean break is actually far kinder and healthier than dragging things on.

Most people have experience of being impulsive and irrational in their early 20s so I don’t think anyone can blame you for that. When you are hurting less, use this as a valuable life lesson. Maintain distance and independence in a relationship at all costs, especially when a child is involved.

You need to disentangle yourself for him as soon as possible. Is there anywhere you can go to live so you are out of his house? Hold on to the job longer if needs be, as income is important. But when you are settled in your own place, look for something new. Good luck x

My guesses:
He's found someone else
He's staying with them, not at his mum's.
He's also maintaining his link with his home, so you don't think he's moved out.

For your own peace of mind, you need you and your child out of there.

He probably meant all the things he did and said in those moments but he has the right to change his mind. It sounds like he’s been honest and it’s time for you to find somewhere else for you and your child.

I know the pain and confusion is awful. It’ll lessen the sooner you’re away from him.

As others have said it was all very rushed. Next time see that red flag but what’s done is done.

It’s agonising, a break up out of the blue with someone you love like that.

when this happened to me I also wanted to “negotiate” it into not happening, I hung around and still stayed with him etc for a couple of weeks. Then I had some forced time apart from him due to work and saw friends and family - my brain suddenly went CLICK and I realised I was being an absolute mug. Pulled myself together and broke it off once and for all. Yes it bloody hurt, but it was clear cut and within a few weeks I’d found a new job and place to live and felt honestly 10 times the woman I had before.

the longer you let him dangle around you the more crushed you’ll be. YOU take back the power and draw that line. Yes maybe in 6 months he’ll realise he’s been an idiot - but by then you’ll realise you don’t want someone so indecisive In your life.

It all moved very fast.
It hurts when relationships end.
And rejection really stings.

But you need to focus on yourself and little one. Don't get too absorbed in this, it has been a short relationship relatively. Start building a secure life for your little one with a tenancy in your name.