I need help, partner broke up with me out of nowhere

[mm2299]

Hi, I’m a 23 years old and have been with my partner for the last 9 months. We met a year ago and just connected extremely well. I have a son and at the time he was around 9 months old. We were both 22 when we met and at first he was hesitant to be with me because I had a baby. But after seeing each other for 4 months he said to me he didn’t want to be without me just because I had a baby. He was all in. Since then we have had an amazing relationship. He owns a bar a restaurant with his mum, works everyday, stays active and always made time for us. There were moments where he told me he was struggling with my son as he loves him so much and just wants him to call him dad. He would freak out but then always come and say how much he loved me and wanted us. Within this time I moved into my own place with my son, him and his mum asked me to work for them and then 3 months ago he told me to move out of my place and come live with him and his brother (their mum was paying for them to live in a house so I would also live rent free and save money) and then we would move into his house that’s getting built. We lived together for 3 months and everything was great. We don’t have any issues. Of course bickering and annoying each other at times but we always communicated well and didn’t hold grudges. I was invited to come on their family trip overseas. We came back a week ago and 3 days later he breaks up with me. Says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and this life isn’t for him he’s 23. But while we were away he said he wanted to get engaged next year, have kids in 3 years and we spoke about moving into his place. I’m just so confused. I asked him to just think about it and we spoke days after and he cried hugging me saying he’s sorry he wishes it didn’t need to be like this. His mum has called me a few times and said he’s really struggling at the moment and needs to do this alone and be on this journey on his own. I can’t help but think she’s encouraged him to do this. He still wants me to work for him and so does she… I’ve moved my whole life for him because how dedicated he was to me. He’s not a normal 23 year old. He took my son in and treated him as his own, welcomed us and loved us. I’m a very independent person but always said to me it’s ok you have me now.. and now he’s left me just like that.
He’s a very fitness oriented person and loves work. The last 3-4 months he’s stoped going to the gym and put on weight. He stopped this because he needed to cook in the kitchen as they were down a chef. He said he was so tried and was so unhappy hated working in there. He’s always renovating his bar so currently closed for nearly 2 months (that’s why we went overseas) and now he’s back I feel he’s unhappy and decided to push me away. He would always say to me he’s never let women in as much as me, he’s never let anyone close to his family and life. He told me his psychologist said he’s scared to give his whole self to a women.

I’m just struggling so much, I don’t know what to do I’m not ready to let him go. He still talks to me everyday, sends me random Snapchats… I’ve been keeping my distance making sure I’m out all day not seeing him. As I want to give him that space. The day we broke up he slept on the couch the next day he went out for dinner, called me after dinner to tell me how good it was and that he won’t be home late. He gets home and sleeps in bed with him and then the next night sleeps in bed with me again. Since then he’s been sleeping at his mums place, perfectly good queen size bed there. But he has only been packing a toothbrush so needs to come home every morning to shower and get dressed… Last night I come home with my son and he’s on the couch watching tv, acting somewhere normal but I could sense he was sad. He goes out for a family dinner then then later that night he comes home.. opens our door and says I just miss my home. I said alright I can sleep on the couch and he said nah should be fine I’m going to go watch tv. Then after an hour comes into bed and acts all normal, like the old days…

My head is rattled I don’t know what to think, I’m so I’m love with him but confused with why he would want to leave me. I’m a very relaxed girlfriend, he can do as he pleases I’ve never and would never stop him from going out seeing friends or anything. With work though he doesn’t even have time to see fiends has we works everyday like 50 hours a week…

I want to suggest is living separately as it’s still a very new relationship and things went fast. He can get active again and do what he wants I just don’t want to not be there and I feel if he really didn’t want me I would be cut off?…

what do I do and how do I get him back…

I’m sorry for this paragraph, hopefully it makes sense to someone…

OP, I'm so sorry, heartbreaks are so hard. You opened your heart to this man and unfortunately it didn't work out.
Please don't wonder why, it doesn't really matter. You said he loved you truly, but his actions tell a different story. From the beginning he was saying he's not ready. Then he moved everything really fast, but now realised it was a mistake. Don't beat yourself up, it's not your fault, it's not something that can be fixed. He's gone, believe him.
What you need to do is put your son and yourself first. Until your son is an independent adult he's the priority in your life. Make a plan to find your own job, your own place, find stability. This relationship is over as hard as it sounds, but the sooner you cut ties with your ex, the sooner you'll start healing. And it'll be ok. And in the future I'm sure you'll let things go slower to protect yourself and your baby. Wishing you all the best.

OP,
"Says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and this life isn’t for him he’s 23"

So he's told you how he feels and it's not what you want to hear. That's tough, OP.

"what do I do and how do I get him back…"

You don't.
You need to accept that it's over. It all moved too fast and burnt itself out. It hurts like stink but you need to focus on you child and making a good life for her.

Sorry OP, "him".

Something similar happened to my niece, she had a three year old. The guy she was seeing was lovely and his parents adored her little DD who is now in her early twenties. He just wasn’t ready to actually be a parent, they were both mid twenties at the time.

A clean break is best.

Some people just don’t want to be stepparents but they haven’t worked it out. I knew that I never wanted to be one so any men I met who had children were immediately discounted. MN overall tends to think very poorly of people like me but at least I knew it wasn’t for me so never made date 2 and did not lead anyone on.

I have been in love twice in my life, I had a break from dating of almost 2 years and concentrated on my career after my first love fell apart. That’s the best advice I can give, have a very long break from dating.

I'm sorry but twenty three is really young to settle down with a child. His brain isn't even fully developed.

If he has broke up from you you should not let him stay overnight again, especially sleep in your bed. Let him pop by and see your son but not for hours. You need to move on girl and stop letting him tramp all over your 💖. I would be trying to get a new flat mate and job. If you separate yourself from him, just maybe he will miss you and want you back but don't hold your breath. Take control of this mess for your son's sake as well as your own.

This is crazy. You need to safeguard your baby better than this. It’s completely irresponsible to be introducing a new boyfriend to your child, let alone moving them in and entertaining discussions about him calling the boyfriend “daddy”. Good grief. You were with this man a few months, he love bombed you a bit and you’ve completely entwined your life and your baby’s life with his. The living arrangements, the job, even his mother is involved.

Do you have reliable family (your family) support? You don’t need a boyfriend right now. What you need is to build some stability and a healthy home for you and your son. He needs that from you.

It was all too much too soon for both of you. He is 23 and doesn’t want to be your sons Dad. He may “love” you but everything happened very quickly and now he’s panicking
He probably thinks he’s being a good guy but still giving you a job etc but it would be kinder on everyone (especially your son) if you never saw eachother again

Oh op. I think they are trying to be kind as you are so reliant on them, they don’t want to make you homeless and unemployed as you’re a single parent

but that kindness is what’s causing you to try to pretend their is hope. You need to get yourself sorted sweetie. Look for other employment, somewhere to live. They will only let this go on so long.

why does he still want to talk to me and be around me and work with me

because he’s trying to be kind about it. He can’t dump you, fire you and make you homeless all at once, there is a child involved and you are financially Dependent on them.

you need to go and get yourself sorted op. You can’t hang around there.

Just to add to everything, we’re also studying together. His mum asked us both to do a 2 years course together…

I know I look stupid.. why would I move my life with someone after such a short period. I felt that and said to myself I would never let a man close to me if I was sure and he wasn’t either. But he seemed so sure so why would I trust someone I love.

I am very young. My sons dad and I are still friends. We do week on week off with our kid. We don’t catch up or anything but can communicate well. I met my sons dad when I was 12 years old and we started dating when I was 16. Then on and off for 6 years, we had a very toxic relationship I wasn’t allowed to do anything, see friends or have much of a life on my own. Then I fell pregnant and we decided to do this together. I had my son at 21 and was a house wife cooked cleaned and spent time with my baby. If I wanted to go out and spend money I was abused for it, he didn’t help with much around the house nor with our boy, I didn’t mind because he was working but it started to get worse. We yelled all the time, he would throw things near me and then put his hands on me once and that was my turning point I needed to get away because this was going to damage my baby, me and also him. He didn’t want to be like this I knew that. We just were two people that could never ever work. 6 years 4 break ups, it’s enough. i broke up with him and then my current partner stumbled into my life. I didn’t think anything of it as why would I, he was fiends with a good friend of mine as she worked for him. It moved fast but felt right. He wanted me and made me feel important. Yes he was hesitant but always came back. His psychologist at the time told him to give it a go as don’t let a good thing pass you. I’m a fool to think I was wanted enough. I feel like an idiot to believe it but I did and still do love him. It’s amazing how connected and comfortable we were with each other.

I need to move out, I know that. I don’t have much family around me. I’m 1 of 5 kids but my brother and sisters live in other states. I have my dad and my mum here but I don’t talk with my mum. My 3 best friends are overseas right now, I have a few other close friends but I honestly can’t think of anything worse then catching up with fiends and talking…. I know I should. I don’t have anywhere to stay either my dad only as a small unit. I can stay there on the couch and I told my ex partner that and he’s like no I don’t want you sleeping on a couch I don’t like that… which is confusing because who cares where I sleep it’s a couch.

I feel I’m going around and around I’m so sorry but I appreciate all this help I do. I’m not a bad mum I wasn’t meaning to go into something so blindly I just honestly thought we were loved, now I’m feeling like it was all a lie. I’m not sure why he would bother wasting all this time on me, there was no point to it…

It’s fine, early twenties is for dating people and moving on, no need for all the analysing. It’s appalling that you brought your baby into your dating life though, perform basic safeguarding with the next boyfriends, prioritise your kid.

Yes and also ending things is really hard. It's seldom as clear cut as "I want to end this relationship and never see you again."

He may still fancy her and I'm sure he still likes her BUT he's got as far as saying it's over - so it's definitely over.

Honestly OP even if he wants you back in the future, you won't want him back.

Speak to the council and try to get somewhere to live/an idea of what help you can get. If you still want to carry on working there, there's no need to give it up right away as long as you can draw some boundaries between you and him.

You're not stupid - you're young and you've been through a lot, your family seem scattered and not a "safe place" for you either. You have had to learn to be independent very young, I don't blame you for taking love, security, a safe home when you were offered one. It's sad it hasn't worked out. But I guess the sad lesson to learn is that you have a kid and you need to be extra independent to ensure you can't have your life upended this way again ❤

He's not confused. He's been really clear.

The relationship is over and you need to separate your life.

He overestimated his feelings, driven by dopamine, serotonin etc

These wear off at about 9 months.

Then the brain can more clearly judge rationally.

I'm sorry to be so harsh but you're seeing a mystery where there isn't one and that will lead you into delusions that could impact you for years.

If youre still on good terms, be thankful but get out of his life quickly and completely...he isn't going back to the love fog now and you need to extricate yourself too.

Op it wasn’t a lie you just didn’t know each other and at the beginning relationships are exciting , people twice your age behave as stupidly thinking this is the one after a few dates. Honestly I’ve a male friend In his fifties and it’s shocking thr way some women behave on line dating. It’s pure desperation to have a relationship.

it seems you’ve never really stood on your own two feet. “Housewife” with your child’s father then moving in with this guy and working for them

hes saying he doesn’t want you to sleep on your dads couch as he feels bad for you. But sweetie you’re going to have to go. You really are. Start applying for jobs now and see if you can find accommodation even if just house share.

If he's not brought your belongings back and is looking at your social media, live your best life and post it on there. See if that invokes a positive response.

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