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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do men behave like this

31 replies

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 01/09/2022 21:40

Met a guy on bumble about 8 weeks ago (an estate agent!) and we exchanged numbers and chatted on WhatsApp every night. Anyway about 2 weeks after we’d been chatting (before we’d even met up) he vanished for 2 days and hadn’t even read my messages. He told me he’d been in hospital with food poisoning. Decided to believe him as there hadn’t been any other red flags at this point. We went on 3 amazing dates and he was a real gentleman, there was great chemistry and we kissed at end of night. I then went to Greece with my kids and again he went quiet on WhatsApp for 2 days…apparently he went on a phone free camping weekend with a couple of mates. Did think it was a bit odd but again as we’re getting on really well I chose to believe him and I really liked him and he seemed very into me. When I got back from my holiday we went uk Oxford together for 2 nights. Had what I thought was a lovely weekend. Then since then he has gone cold on me, just a few shorts messages. I knew something wasn’t right as he was very distant. He then goes quiet again for 2 days then eventually last Saturday night he replies back to my message saying he’s come down with covid and has been in hospital where they later discharged him with painkillers. Initially I didn’t even bother replying as he clearly couldn’t even be bothered to make up a better lie…just complete bullshit!!! 2 days later I sent him a message telling him how rubbish it was that he couldn’t just be honest with me and that I didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Well he hasn’t even read my WhatsApp message I sent on Monday.
Just cannot believe that anyone can behave like this. Why not just be honest if he’s changed his mind. Clearly a serial player and a compulsive liar! To be fair I’m newly single as just going through a divorce so I’m out the loop a bit and vulnerable. Has really put me off dating! Are there lots of guys OLD like this and why do they do it?

OP posts:
Izzy24 · 01/09/2022 21:42

They do it because they can …..

Andithoughtiwasspecial · 01/09/2022 21:46

@izzy24 tru dat

Original poster
thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 01/09/2022 21:49

Well apart from feeling like a complete idiot I feel like someone has ripped my heart out!!

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/09/2022 21:50

Ah you will love (live !) and learn to spot the players early and faster

to be fair he showed his red flags 🚩 early with the food poisoning
and then the ‘camping weekend ‘ bs

not everyone is like this
but you do need your wits about you x

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/09/2022 21:52

And maybe be a bit tougher
you are having a divorce
its not the time for anything serious ?

maybe have fun , and play a bit ?
bit with nicer ones that don’t blatantly lie

it’s very bruising

Original poster
thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 01/09/2022 21:53

I hear you but people do get food poisoning…
ok perhaps with the benefit of hindsight I should have realised the camping without a phone was a red flag

OP posts:
RustySwitchblade · 01/09/2022 21:54

It’s one of two things:

1- he’s a player and a user, in which case you are well rid of him, or 2) he’s socially incompetent and doesn’t know how to just say he isn’t really interested.

a lot of men are massive cowards and would rather behave like a moron than feel slightly uncomfortable sending a text message

its v. annoying, but imagine being in a relationship with someone who behaves like that!

Original poster
thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 01/09/2022 22:02

My friends were surprised I was dating an estate agent as apparently they don’t have the best reputation but he seemed different. Was educated and quite sensitive

OP posts:
Inklingpot · 01/09/2022 22:02

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 01/09/2022 21:49

Well apart from feeling like a complete idiot I feel like someone has ripped my heart out!!

I think after only eight weeks it’s a bit much to say someone has ripped your heart out. This one wasn’t right so time to move on but maybe not get too invested too quickly.

minticecreamisjustok · 01/09/2022 22:10

You're especially vulnerable when coming out of a long relationship into dating, a bit like walking into fire!
Unfortunately OLD is full of players and losers. It is very hurtful when you feel played. All you can do is be wary next time.
Why do they do it?
Sadistic
Immature
Players
Not brave enough to turn you down respectfully.

ohdearnotme · 01/09/2022 22:12

Be careful on here if you're feeling sensitive OP. Posts like this can attract some really awful comments.

He's a total shit; you're allowed to feel hurt. Hope you get over it quickly 💐

Lebano · 01/09/2022 22:21

They do it because they can and are very experienced at it: He was almost certainly with other women too those weekends so hopefully you used protection.

Bobbi44 · 01/09/2022 22:30

It's not just older guys, younger ones too. I'm not a fan of dating apps but need to rely on them to meet people these days as my social circle has shrunk ( all my pals are married or settling down) and I wfh. I found that most are incapable of a conversation or do exactly this. My opinion of men is low in afraid. I believe it's a mixture of cowardice but also the apps enable them to behave like this as there's so much choice. Seems like a lot aren't invested or interested in getting to know someone and have something meaningful. I'm sorry this happened to you and can understand your hurt x

Soproudoflionesses · 01/09/2022 23:10

Oh jeez posts like this make me think if anything happened to dh, l am staying single for the rest of my life.

GerardIsTheBest · 02/09/2022 05:33

A lot of them (I don't know the precise percentage I'm afraid) want casual sex with a variety of women. They do not want a committed relationship with one woman. Perhaps it was always thus, but dating apps and sadly, women's naivety, have made it made it much easier for them.
I am sorry to hear about your experience, OP. Xx

Ladybyrd · 02/09/2022 06:22

You know that some men are on those dating apps for years. It becomes a way of life.

There used to be a thing called POF holidays, where they go away for a week and set up a profile in another town and see how many times they can score while they are there.

They're not all like that. I met my partner on Tinder and we've been together for almost 7 years and have 2 kids. The bullshitters do get easier to spot, and I took a zero tolerance approach in the end.

People do go into hospital. I wouldn't beat yourself up about that.

forgotoldusername · 02/09/2022 06:35

I assume you slept with him during the weekend away right? And then he lost interest. A tale as old as time ...

KVick · 02/09/2022 06:47

He's probably married with kids.

DrMorbius · 02/09/2022 08:26

As I have always said to my kids. Have boundaries and stick rigidly to them, no exception. The 1 in a 100 that does have a legitimate excuse (food poisoning) is just collateral. But your boundaries would have prevented the other 99 taking the p**s.
BTW 2 days in hospital with food poisoning.......really?

Cheeseonbeans · 02/09/2022 08:29

Men - no

Estate agents - known for being fuck boys

YesitsJacqueline · 02/09/2022 08:33

You couldn't get in hospital now if your head was hanging off let alone food poisoning !
Don't know what's going on with this guy, don't waste your time speculating.
Take some you time and get off the dating apps

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 08:36

Izzy24 · 01/09/2022 21:42

They do it because they can …..

That was going to be my exact response.

Read your own post again...

Decided to believe him

I knew something wasn’t right

Why didn't you trust your instincts?

Deciding to believe someone isn't the same as actually believing them - because that wouldn't be a decision.

Why would you pursue something when, within a few short weeks, it already felt that something wasn't right?

Men who behave I've this do so because women enable them to. I mean, he'd do it anyway, but you don't need to let them do it to you.

Hairbear2 · 02/09/2022 08:36

Everyone I know that’s been in hospital, has been allowed to use their phone!
even if it was to tell you he’s in hospital, it would be been what a decent guy would do.

Comedycook · 02/09/2022 08:38

You couldn't get in hospital now if your head was hanging off let alone food poisoning

My thoughts entirely 😂
With the state of the nhs, I am impressed that they were so quick to admit him for food poisoning AND covid!

Fruitandnuts · 02/09/2022 09:30

Agree with everyone else so no point we adding in, but i do suggest reading/watching you tube videos to help you.
Book - Why men love bitches
You tube videos by - Susan Winters, Matthew Hussey , Stephen Speaks, Mat Boggs (you'll go down a rabbit hole and find someone who suits your style)

This should equip you better for the dating apps/fresh look at dating in 2022. Dust yourself off and start afresh. Please block his guy as he will 100% come back and try to reel you back in for more of the same behaviour (I've been there so know what you've been through), please ensure you take yourself off his list of women he can text for a ego boost !