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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone share stories of separating/divorcing when other party didn’t want to/was devastated? Will it get better?

44 replies

User0610134057 · 01/09/2022 16:39

I have another thread about telling my DH I wanted to separate, which I did last weekend.

it has been so horrendous, more so than I thought really although I just didn’t know what reaction to expect.

He’s totally broken and devastated, a few days on he seems ok one minute and optimistic we can sort it out; then crying the next and saying how he can’t cope, what’s the point, and pleading with me to give it another go.

we have a plan for counselling, hopefully very soon, to talk it all through. I fear it will come too late for me and the love has gone. But his reaction is so so upsetting and very wearing.

was anyone in a similar situation and did your DP/DH/DW accept it in the end?
he is being very nice to me at the moment but I’m afraid of the anger and threats (relating to the children, making it very messy through court etc) returning if and when he realises it’s really over. 😔

OP posts:
OP posts:
OldTinHat · 01/09/2022 16:47

I was in this situation. I told exh I wanted a divorce, our DC were 2 and 3.

It took him months to accept it and move out. Then he met someone else within weeks of moving out and never saw the DC again because it 'didn't suit'.

DC are in their 20s now and don't even remember him.

ILoveAnOwl · 01/09/2022 16:53

My ex husband was devastated. Sobbing, shaking. He was properly broken. I spent weeks trying to make him feel OK and be really respectful around him that I'd shattered his world.

Four months later he met someone else and moved in with her after 6 weeks.

Original poster
User0610134057 · 01/09/2022 21:03

Thank you both
I have to keep telling myself he will get over it, and I can’t change my decision based on his reaction.
There’s just so much emotional pressure at the moment and I have agreed to go to counselling. He has hope we can fix it, I’m trying to be kind and get him through the day but also trying not to give false hope.
im hoping counselling can smooth the ending but he refused to go unless I said there was some chance of fixing it.
ive told him I just don’t know but want to go and talk it through.

OP posts:
Original poster
User0610134057 · 01/09/2022 21:04

Multiple times a day he cries and asks me if I still have any love for him, if I can please give it another go etc etc.
i just keep trying to say we will talk about it at counselling
but it’s so so draining

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 01/09/2022 21:19

Why does he think counselling will work now when he refused in the past.

grey rock him

this is emotional abuse don’t appease him at all. Break ups are messy by nature. Be ready for the shit to hit the fan as he changes from nice to nasty cos he will.

Dullardmullard · 01/09/2022 21:23

Plus I wouldn’t go to counselling with him as he thinks this is to fix it when you don’t.

plus you’ve said we’ll talk in counselling that’s hope to him and he’ll start with but you said bollocks. Sorry

Julie1234566 · 01/09/2022 21:31

They say divorce ends up with two people standard of life dropping dramatically. So how come, I married second time, husband contributed nothing except 40 a week. 6 years later, I had enough of his mental narcissistic abuse. He divorced me whilst still sleeping in my bed. I owned my house and my dad contributed so he could live with me and my 3 children.
The courts decided that ex should get 500k of my money. Now, he rents a nice property for the rest of his life, while me, dad and three children (grown up so didn't count) have nothing. I have to find a one bedroom flat, kids on the streets and dad in a home. How is that fair? If you come into a marriage, you should leave with whatever you brought in no? The rules need to be changed, too late for me but for the future.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/09/2022 21:33

@ILoveAnOwl I had a similar experience- I'm very cynical these days about 'devastated' when it comes to men and breakups

Terrariatime · 01/09/2022 21:37

Having been dragged through counseling in a similar situation I can guarantee it will be awful, do no good for you or him and just serve to string this out. If you're sure it's over, cut ties and start to move forward. You're signing up to months of torture. Mark my words.

movingon2022 · 01/09/2022 21:39

Julie1234566 · 01/09/2022 21:31

They say divorce ends up with two people standard of life dropping dramatically. So how come, I married second time, husband contributed nothing except 40 a week. 6 years later, I had enough of his mental narcissistic abuse. He divorced me whilst still sleeping in my bed. I owned my house and my dad contributed so he could live with me and my 3 children.
The courts decided that ex should get 500k of my money. Now, he rents a nice property for the rest of his life, while me, dad and three children (grown up so didn't count) have nothing. I have to find a one bedroom flat, kids on the streets and dad in a home. How is that fair? If you come into a marriage, you should leave with whatever you brought in no? The rules need to be changed, too late for me but for the future.

I live in Canada and that is the law here. Anything that you brought into the relationship is yours, same goes for your inheritance.

SkirridHill · 01/09/2022 21:54

Not divorce, but exDP cried, screamed, begged, threatened suicide, and told DC that "Daddy has to leave because Mummy doesn't love him anymore". He finally left 6 months after I ended things with him but was already shagging someone else way before that. A great many men, it seems, will throw themselves into a new relationship shortly after a breakup. The women of my acquaintance have been more circumspect.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 01/09/2022 21:56

ILoveAnOwl · 01/09/2022 16:53

My ex husband was devastated. Sobbing, shaking. He was properly broken. I spent weeks trying to make him feel OK and be really respectful around him that I'd shattered his world.

Four months later he met someone else and moved in with her after 6 weeks.

Pretty much this although he had met her a few months before but still wanted to look like the injured party. He will get over it OP. It is for the best.

damnyourdogs · 01/09/2022 22:14

My exH was devastated when I told him I wanted to divorce...crying, begging me to reconsider, the whole works.

Two weeks later he had a new girlfriend...I hadn't even moved out. They ended up marrying and he had two children with her.

ILoveAnOwl · 01/09/2022 22:18

Crikeyalmighty · 01/09/2022 21:33

@ILoveAnOwl I had a similar experience- I'm very cynical these days about 'devastated' when it comes to men and breakups

It's actually pathetic how predictable they are.

OP, put a reminder on your phone for 1 week from now, 1 month from now, 3 months from now, 6 months from and year from now. I'm nearly certain that each time it will feel a bit less awful. There will likely be horrible, gut wrenching bumps in the road, but it'll all be OK in the end.

yogafairy · 01/09/2022 22:20

When I was going through this, someone told me to never give them any hope that you will get back with them. No telling them that you still love them as a friend. No saying that you will miss them etc as they hold onto it and it just takes longer.

I hated it. It felt like kicking a puppy but I never backed down because I knew that to make him happy would mean I would have to be unhappy.

It took a while and threats of suicide etc then just like other posters, he met someone else and me and children were forgotten and haven't seen him since. That was 16 years ago.

I personally wouldn't have counselling with him. You are allowed to not want to be in a relationship. I hope this stage passes quickly for you.

Original poster
User0610134057 · 01/09/2022 22:27

Thank you everyone, I appreciate it and it’s encouraging to hear your stories and coming out the other side.
it’s really hard to know how to play it.
when I’m away from him I’m so clear what I want. When he’s there he’s (now) being so loving, saying he can fix this or that, we can’t throw away 18 years of marriage, kids need us together etc etc.
in the initial call with the counsellor today I did say I was worried it was too late for me.
i feel he’s trying to wear me down. He’s not used to not getting what he wants.

i take on board that I mustn’t give hope where there is none, but j am still keen on counselling as I hope it can smooth the ending and that I might feel more brave to say how I really feel if there’s someone else there.
i am standing very firm on not sleeping back in the bed even though he’s asked me (actually not asked me, told me ‘it would really help him’)

plus we need help discussing practical plans if/when he realises it’s over and I’m hoping counselling with do this. I would so love for him to move out whilst we sell the house

OP posts:
Wanttobeanastronaut · 01/09/2022 22:29

I had one of these. He was abusive for years but when I finally ended it went into full time victim mode. I spent huge amounts of time trying to make him feel better and helping him furnish his new house etc. He responded by then spending the next 7 years (ongoing) trying to take our child from me and wrecking me financially and emotionally.

Don't waste your time feeling sorry for them.

yogafairy · 01/09/2022 22:38

Be prepared for him to get angry when he realises you mean what you say. My ex was also not used to me saying no and was furious when he couldn't coerce me into staying.

He turned up on my doorstep for months after, drunk and begging to come in or asking for lifts to the hospital as he was suicidal and when I refused I was called a cold hearted bitch.

I hope you are as prepared as you can be by seeing everyone's responses.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2022 22:44

We didn’t have children but I left telling exH I needed a break and not planning to ever go back and then told him I was divorcing him. He. Went. Nuts. Cried, screamed, shouted abuse at me, begged, pleaded, more swearing and insults. That behaviour was why I wanted out so it was a handy reminder I was doing the right thing.

He tried to make things hard for me but I was just so happy to be away from him. He slagged me off to anyone who’d listen, accused me of having a mental breakdown, then of having an affair, said I’d refuse couples counselling, he slagged me off to my family, he faked messages to make it look like I’d been the abusive one.

He met someone online not long after, moved her into my ex house, married her to give her a visa. And still carried on telling mutual friends I’d ruined his life and stolen his future and he had no idea why I’d left him.

Moving on quickly doesn’t always mean they stop trying to ruin you.

Baffling.

I really hope things settle down OP 💐

cestlavielife · 01/09/2022 22:48

Come on op
It s script
He is devasystedx now boo hoo
Not your job to fix him
He can get therapy or moan to his mum
But it will pass
He will then be angry as you say
Ignore
Not your job to fix him focus on you and dc

whiteroseredrose · 01/09/2022 22:57

I don't know. One of the school dads was left by his wife - much to everyone's shock because they seemed so well suited. They had been together since 19. Anyhoo, he is still single 10 years later. According to DH it is partly losing his wife, but also losing all of the family stuff. Suddenly everything had to be shared and split up, uncomfortable arrangements at DC's graduation etc. It really knocked the stuffing out of him. Very sad.

Dullardmullard · 02/09/2022 00:19

Practical plans through the lawyers.
counselling not needed unless you go yourself to be stronger in what you want for you.

Dullardmullard · 02/09/2022 00:23

Also do not ever get into the bed with him to help him that’s coercion, emotionally and mentally and will do a number on you not him.

firm boundaries and have your phone fully charged at all times if he pushes the bed thing or tries to get into bed with you uninvited.

it’s sexual assault regardless

Northernerinwales · 02/09/2022 00:29

I divorced my husband 6 months after we got married. He became so abusive and toxic after we got married. He pinned me to the bed one night by my throat and started strangling me. I told him I wanted a divorce and he said no. I packed all his belongings and told him to come collect them when he was at his mothers. I filed for divorce and he begged me to sort it out with him and I was firm. He followed me to work. He would wait for me after a shift and follow me home. He signed the divorce papers and I changed my number. Two years later im with an amazing man and pregnant with our first child. Honestly it seems hard now but it does get better x