Can anyone share stories of separating/divorcing when other party didn’t want to/was devastated? Will it get better?

[User0610134057]

I have another thread about telling my DH I wanted to separate, which I did last weekend.

it has been so horrendous, more so than I thought really although I just didn’t know what reaction to expect.

He’s totally broken and devastated, a few days on he seems ok one minute and optimistic we can sort it out; then crying the next and saying how he can’t cope, what’s the point, and pleading with me to give it another go.

we have a plan for counselling, hopefully very soon, to talk it all through. I fear it will come too late for me and the love has gone. But his reaction is so so upsetting and very wearing.

was anyone in a similar situation and did your DP/DH/DW accept it in the end?
he is being very nice to me at the moment but I’m afraid of the anger and threats (relating to the children, making it very messy through court etc) returning if and when he realises it’s really over. 😔

but j am still keen on counselling as I hope it can smooth the ending and that I might feel more brave to say how I really feel if there’s someone else there.

i'd stop telling him how you feel and stick to practicalities. He is using your feelings and emotions against you already - counselling will give him more ammunition. He's not going to suddenly understand your pov and agree that it's the right thing to split up. You need to try to mentally detach and have counselling just for you.

We had a trial separation/counselling. I found out he was already seeing someone towards the end of that. He made life difficult for a good year or so after we split. I bought him out of mortgage and changed locks so he couldn't just come in. Then he met someone new and got married do things got a bit easier. Also once kids reached teen he just communicated with them.

I could have written this post, I told him about 3 weeks ago that I wanted out and it’s like he’s in denial that the conversation happened.
I took the kids away on holiday for a week on my own and it was absolute bliss now we are back and I’m pretty sure he’s trying to pretend that all is going to be fine.
He wants counselling I’ve told him my minds made up but if he arranges something I will go, I’m hoping that the counselling will help him see there is no road forward for us and make it easier to accept it’s over.

He’s not a bad person but the more he trys to ignore how I feel the less sympathy I have for him.

I've been the person who didn't want the divorce. I think the people sneering at the other parties behaviour and calling it manipulation and abuse are unfair.

It really knocked the life out of me. I did behave badly because I was devastated, grieving and very very confused because I had had no idea this was coming.

I still haven't met anyone else years on and the whole thing has absolutely ruined my life.

One thing I will say is don't flip, flop about it. Now you've made your decision, act on it swiftly. My ex didn't and gave me a lot of false hope which only prolonged the pain and made the break up ultimately more painful. We are not on speaking terms at all.

Thank you for all the messages
it helps me to hear where partners have moved on.
as I said I was surprised he was so shocked because he has been so disengaged from me and the kids and we have been living almost separate lives. He has not spoken to me in a way that you should speak to someone you supposedly love very much.

and I do take on board about not prolonging it and not flip flopping.
i am trying to stay strong. He is putting on so much pressure trying to wear me down but I am trying my best to be clear and honest but kind.

@Blahblahblahblah99 it sounds very similar. He did less crying yesterday and has been ordering diy stuff for the house etc. feels like some denial is creeping in.
asked me again to come back to the bed so that he can ‘pretend things are normal’. Is being more physically affectionate which I’m finding hard - was happy to hug him when he was upset but that’s it really.

having spoken to the counsellor on the phone I was honest and said it might be too late for me. She seemed to understand. We are so bad at communicating we need outside help, I’m hoping she can support us to talk about what happens next and practicalities once we realise it’s over, but of course realise he may not continue to engage with it after that.

Good luck 💐

I think it's quite common for one party in a relationship to appear disengaged, but it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to be in the relationship. Over a long marriage there are times when you take the other person for granted. I admit looking back I didn't prioritise my ex for quite some time. Life, kids, work got in the way. I guess I assumed we would reconnect when things were less hectic. I actually loved him very deeply and I was shocked he wasn't aware of this. He hadn't attempted to talk about it previously, just assumed when he announced the split I'd be ok with it and was very taken aback when I wasn't.

For me it was absolutely brutal, like a bereavement. And I have had a close bereavement so I know what I'm talking about.

I remember when he told me everything when black and my legs went to jelly underneath me. And he was very cool about it, had processed it way ahead of me, including finding someone else already. One doesn't act rationally in this situation when it's a shock to you.

No I get that @Missillusioned and am trying to be understanding.
but despite that wouldn’t you still have been mindful of childrens needs? Not stormed in angry and upset pointing fingers and saying ‘has your mother told you she wants a divorce’ then telling a 7yo who didn’t understand, that it means mummy doesn’t want to live with daddy and she’d have to choose who to live with. I’m finding it hard to get past that apart from anything else and the kids will always remember that moment.

And I did ask to go to counselling before and he said no. He now says he wishes he took me more seriously - but if your OH says they’re unhappy and would like to go to counselling surely you listen; you don’t tell them to go by themselves if they want to

Your going have to detach as horrible as that sounds do not hug him at all as he knows how to push your buttons and it gives him hope

my story was I did the same limped along for years husband totally disengaged kids didn’t actually know him well they did just the shouty one when things didn’t go his way.

We were renting and thankfully it was in his sole name so I planned after telling him one month and I would be gone. As usual he didn’t believe me as I’d said the same before thinking this would change things it didn’t.

I left, he started phoning everyone asking where I’d gone. Not me myself everyone else. I’d already warned the folks that mattered to me I was leaving him. They also didn’t believe me but I did it.

he also refused counselling, but wanted it when I left. He thought if I agreed it was the green light to go back. It didn’t, it made me stronger as he charmed the councillor into his way of thinking I was in the wrong. he should never of been in counselling services and I refused to go back.

Hence saying don’t do it as it gives him hope, well it’s what you wanted before the split so he sees it as hope.

I also hugged him when upset till one day I saw the smug grin on his face and I mean it was a smug grin whilst crying. I never hugged him again. He also tried the bed thing too and frightened me so much I had to put a chair under the handle at night.

Once I was away in my own place I slept for the first time in years without waking up during the night. It was bloody bliss.

I proceeded with the divorce, him trying to say he’d get custody of the kids, I’d split the family for no reason. Blah blah the usual. He found someone else 4 weeks later but I think it was an overlap to be honest.

court ordered maintenance before CM was a thing. He did have a pension but I didn’t go after it. He’s now a lonely man as he’s never changed and very very bitter with life

From the point of view of someone blindsided by my exh leaving, I think that your h is probably on a different page to you. You have had time to process your future and he hasn't. So if he's anything like me, he'll be confused, overwhelmed and frightened. His behaviour isn't necessarily manipulation but strong emotions with nowhere to go. I'd say that you need to be clear and decisive. Try to live separately as soon as you can. I felt terribly trapped living with someone who didn't love me and working on his escape and as it transpired on his relationship with my so-called friend. I still hold a lot of resentment about how I felt at that time and his part in it.

@User0610134057 I didn't say anything directly to the children, but I'm pretty sure they must have heard me screaming terrible things at him. I wasn't calm at all and swung wildly between anger and pretending nothing was happening. He flip flopped, said he was leaving, then didn't, kept coming back. Being nice to me, then ignoring me and the whole thing was an absolute car crash. He should have left that night straight after he told me and allowed me to grieve. Drawing it out and offering limited support and some affection is torture to the other party.

Understood, thank you for those perspectives.

I would love to have been able to move out but being the main carer for the 3 kids it’s not practical or what’s best for them. Plus solicitor told me not to if at all possible.
Logically would be best for him to but of course he won’t voluntarily.

And I did actually offer the day after but he said he wouldn’t let me take the kids with me (to my parents). I couldn’t possibly leave them when they were upset and him in that state of mind.

You have blown up his world and the result of that is that he loses his marriage, his home and living with his children. He is understandably upset and grieving. You have had time to process the decision you have made, check it out with a lawyer and he hasn't. It is going to be really tough.

For context I was the one who was left. There was no discussion and he was gone. In some ways that was easier as he just moved out to live with a family member leaving me blindsided but with the house and the support of my adult children. I had symptoms like PTSD. It took maybe six months before I came out of the sense of disorientation and took back my power. It sounds like your husband has gone straight to anger. Different personalities but we all go through it as it is grief.

If you feel you are entitled to the family home (and I understand why the lawyer has said stay) then it may be possible to live a separated life but this is going to be really hard on the children who don't understand why the people they love and trust most in the world are really angry with each other.

From four years out. Be clear about what you want. Be clear about boundaries but remember that you loved him once enough to have children with him and he is their father. You may not like him anymore but they love him.

I do appreciate people taking the time to comment from both sides but am going to step away now from the thread.
I wish I didn’t feel this way but I do and it has been a very long time coming.
I am in danger of taking back what I’ve said because of his reaction and that wouldn’t be right or fair on anyone.

Stay strong
come back when ready

I thought you had to be married a year before you could divorce?