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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive dilemma, who do I choose

42 replies

anyoneanyoneanyone · 31/08/2022 21:22

I feel I like I'm still in love with the Father of ny child who I see often and we still sleep together. The relationship was toxic but he's a great dad and lover. I felt like he was the love of my life but he's emotionally quite immature

Meanwhile I met a beautiful man who I paper is perfect, professional, stable, kind, attractive ...I've been seeing him for 8 months

I'm so conflicted. The stable man has asked me to marry him but I can't let the love of my life go even though I know my Life would not be as good and would be more volatile. He is an amazing Father but together we didn't work. And we love each other

Shall I just choose neither ConfusedConfused

OP posts:
MatterOfThyme · 31/08/2022 21:24

Doesn't sound like you're being v fair to either of them. Do they know about each other?

Cakecakecheese · 31/08/2022 21:31

Yeah perhaps you need a break from men to make your life a bit less soap opera.

ChrissyWakeUp11 · 31/08/2022 21:33

I was in this position several years ago and honestly whatever you do, do not choose your ex. This doesn’t mean you should choose the other guy but do not be sucked back into a toxic relationship. If he’s a good dad then that’s great, but he can do that without jumping into bed with you when it suits him.

For years I mistook drama for “passion” or “chemistry” and wasted the best years of my life. You need to let this guy go because it’s stopping you from moving on with your life and finding happiness. You deserve better than a toxic relationship and your child deserve better than watching their parents in a toxic relationship because this will damage them and their perspective on relationships for years to come.

You don’t sound ready to commit to the other guy, or any guy, and that’s fine. Take some time to work out why the thought of a toxic relationship is better to you than being single. This will really help you in moving forward and pursuing a positive relationship in the future, whether that’s with the other guy or someone else.

I wish you all the luck OP, breaking free of any toxic cycle is hard but you can do it. For yourself and for your child.

YomAsalYomBasal · 31/08/2022 21:33

Why are you still sleeping with a toxic man? And you clearly aren't that into the second man. I think you should probably back off from both and take some time to be happy with yourself and remember that you are complete just as you are. Then see if any man complements that.

DariaMorgendorffer · 31/08/2022 23:06

ChrissyWakeUp11 · 31/08/2022 21:33

I was in this position several years ago and honestly whatever you do, do not choose your ex. This doesn’t mean you should choose the other guy but do not be sucked back into a toxic relationship. If he’s a good dad then that’s great, but he can do that without jumping into bed with you when it suits him.

For years I mistook drama for “passion” or “chemistry” and wasted the best years of my life. You need to let this guy go because it’s stopping you from moving on with your life and finding happiness. You deserve better than a toxic relationship and your child deserve better than watching their parents in a toxic relationship because this will damage them and their perspective on relationships for years to come.

You don’t sound ready to commit to the other guy, or any guy, and that’s fine. Take some time to work out why the thought of a toxic relationship is better to you than being single. This will really help you in moving forward and pursuing a positive relationship in the future, whether that’s with the other guy or someone else.

I wish you all the luck OP, breaking free of any toxic cycle is hard but you can do it. For yourself and for your child.

EVERYTHING this poster said. Read it carefully op. I've been there, and I 100% agree with this reply.

CornishTiger · 31/08/2022 23:17

Neither.

You want a man who is your safest space and your biggest adventure.

You haven’t found that yet.

CornishTiger · 31/08/2022 23:17

And listen to @ChrissyWakeUp11

Lesina · 31/08/2022 23:18

I suspect you need to row up.

Snugglemonkey · 31/08/2022 23:19

ChrissyWakeUp11 · 31/08/2022 21:33

I was in this position several years ago and honestly whatever you do, do not choose your ex. This doesn’t mean you should choose the other guy but do not be sucked back into a toxic relationship. If he’s a good dad then that’s great, but he can do that without jumping into bed with you when it suits him.

For years I mistook drama for “passion” or “chemistry” and wasted the best years of my life. You need to let this guy go because it’s stopping you from moving on with your life and finding happiness. You deserve better than a toxic relationship and your child deserve better than watching their parents in a toxic relationship because this will damage them and their perspective on relationships for years to come.

You don’t sound ready to commit to the other guy, or any guy, and that’s fine. Take some time to work out why the thought of a toxic relationship is better to you than being single. This will really help you in moving forward and pursuing a positive relationship in the future, whether that’s with the other guy or someone else.

I wish you all the luck OP, breaking free of any toxic cycle is hard but you can do it. For yourself and for your child.

Definitely this ^

Hiddenvoice · 01/09/2022 00:04

I think you need space away from both of them to think about what you really want in life.
It’s not fair on either guy to keep things going- do they know about each other?
I feel like your ex is partly using you and saying everything you want to hear to carry things on. You say it didn’t work- if things changed, would you be happy with him?

Take some time to focus on you. Let your ex do his maturing on his own. Let him continue to be a great dad but he can do that whilst being apart from you.
Wnd it with the stable guy as you don’t love him and he deserves someone who wants just him.
When you’re ready date again and if you and your ex are both in a better place then it might work out but it’s not right just now .

GreenManalishi · 01/09/2022 00:11

Neither, there are more than two men out there.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/09/2022 00:28

I remember one of my friends getting into a situation like this but thankfully no children involved. She was forced to choose, and do a lot of explaining, when both guys rocked up at her workplace to take her home after work.

donquixotedelamancha · 01/09/2022 00:31

ChrissyWakeUp11 · 31/08/2022 21:33

I was in this position several years ago and honestly whatever you do, do not choose your ex. This doesn’t mean you should choose the other guy but do not be sucked back into a toxic relationship. If he’s a good dad then that’s great, but he can do that without jumping into bed with you when it suits him.

For years I mistook drama for “passion” or “chemistry” and wasted the best years of my life. You need to let this guy go because it’s stopping you from moving on with your life and finding happiness. You deserve better than a toxic relationship and your child deserve better than watching their parents in a toxic relationship because this will damage them and their perspective on relationships for years to come.

You don’t sound ready to commit to the other guy, or any guy, and that’s fine. Take some time to work out why the thought of a toxic relationship is better to you than being single. This will really help you in moving forward and pursuing a positive relationship in the future, whether that’s with the other guy or someone else.

I wish you all the luck OP, breaking free of any toxic cycle is hard but you can do it. For yourself and for your child.

Every word of this. I'm 20 years happily married. I think it's normal to go for messy, exciting, horrible relationships in your teens and early 20s but you are supposed to learn from your mistakes.

That said, don't get engaged after 8 months either. Certainly not to someone you are cheating on.

You've got a kid, don't introduce new men into their life until it's been serious for a while- get engaged to someone when you have a happy, healthy, well tested relationship which will survive the trials of decades together.

Original poster
anyoneanyoneanyone · 01/09/2022 04:32

Thank you it's what I needed to hear

OP posts:
Original poster
anyoneanyoneanyone · 01/09/2022 14:05

I genuinely do love my ex though Confused

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/09/2022 15:02

When you meet the right person, there'll be no competition. Nobody will come close. What you think is love is something else. Love doesn't feel tortured. It doesn't happen when there's abuse. It doesn't happen when you feel you're superior to the other person ('he is emotionally immature')

Those connections and attachments are not love. Tell both of them you need time alone, and you don't know how long for. Work out what it is that makes you feel that you love your ex. What was your parents' relationship like with each other? What was their relationship like with you? Was toxicity modelled to you as 'what love/home look like'?

CambsAlways · 01/09/2022 15:09

Totally agree with watchkeys

Original poster
anyoneanyoneanyone · 01/09/2022 15:31

Watchkeys you're right. I think the love I have for my ex is more maternal wanting to care for him. There are also definitely deeper issues as you've alluded to but I won't share here. I do need to be on my own.

OP posts:
Someadviceplease1 · 01/09/2022 16:43

Watchkeys · 01/09/2022 15:02

When you meet the right person, there'll be no competition. Nobody will come close. What you think is love is something else. Love doesn't feel tortured. It doesn't happen when there's abuse. It doesn't happen when you feel you're superior to the other person ('he is emotionally immature')

Those connections and attachments are not love. Tell both of them you need time alone, and you don't know how long for. Work out what it is that makes you feel that you love your ex. What was your parents' relationship like with each other? What was their relationship like with you? Was toxicity modelled to you as 'what love/home look like'?

This is beautiful

Hoppinggreen · 01/09/2022 16:46

anyoneanyoneanyone · 01/09/2022 14:05

I genuinely do love my ex though Confused

Why?

Original poster
anyoneanyoneanyone · 01/09/2022 19:23

There it no reason at all why I love him. I cannot explain it, I really can't. If I try to it's that I can see the real him, he sees the real me, which creates the connection. I respect how he's tried to turn things around and admire many of his qualities. I love how when I've messed up he says it doesn't matter we can sort it out. I love how even now he would drop everything to help me and our child and has stepped up as a Father (he would help anyone) ...I fancy him. The relationship was toxic and I couldn't fix it.

Now I have THE perfect man on paper. But I can't let the ex go as I have to keep seeing him for access etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
anyoneanyoneanyone · 01/09/2022 19:26
  • Watchkeys When you meet the right person, there'll be no competition. Nobody will come close. What you think is love is something else. Love doesn't feel tortured. It doesn't happen when there's abuse. It doesn't happen when you feel you're superior to the other person ('he is emotionally immature')

Those connections and attachments are not love. Tell both of them you need time alone, and you don't know how long for. Work out what it is that makes you feel that you love your ex. What was your parents' relationship like with each other? What was their relationship like with you? Was toxicity modelled to you as 'what love/home look like'?*

This really is beautiful ♥️ and also what a PP said about your love being your safe space and biggest adventure.

I disagree about feeling superior though. It's perfectly fine to make observations about your partner but not necessarily try and fix them. Nobody is perfect and EVERYONE has sone sort of issue rubbing down from their parents.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 02/09/2022 00:28

Nobody is perfect

No, but pointing out someone's immaturity suggests that you think you know better. After all, if you were equally immature, you wouldn't be able to identify it.

Monty27 · 02/09/2022 02:50

Be kind to yourself OP. And also be kind to your bf and fess up. I hope he leaves in one piece.
You really are horrible to do this to him. Don't you respect yourself and your child? Ugh

Happylittlethoughts · 02/09/2022 03:18

Let nice guy go as he deserves better. Crack on with eejit ex.