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Original poster

DP back to blowing hot and cold

45 replies

Tiredoftryin · 31/08/2022 09:34

DP and I have been together 2 years. Had a few ups and downs at the beginning of the relationship, just figuring each other out and our needs. We've both been in unhealthy relationships in the past and we're both defensive. He'd say we were over when we had these ups and downs- his defence mechanisms for it. I told him how it affected me and knocked my confidence. He stopped doing it. We've been an absolutely amazing place for a year now. No arguments. No problems unsolvable.

We went out the weekend had a great day out. Both of us looking forward to it for 8 months.
We've been talking about moving in together, getting married etc.
Monday he tells me he's had enough can't do it anymore and we're finished.
He's been telling everyone I'm the love of his life, I mean everything to him. I feel the same.

He's not cheating. Before that's suggested.

I feel like the rugs been pulled out from under me.

We're speaking about it this weekend. But I think it's over. But I don't know. I'm left reeling in an unknown this week.

He's left some of his stuff at mine.

I don't know if it's back to the game playing at the beginning of the relationship or what?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 31/08/2022 09:39

It doesn't really matter what his reasoning is for behaving like this. It's not good for you, no way to live and not the foundations for a lasting relationship.

He's told you he can't do it anymore. So believe him and leave him to it.

MsPavlichenko · 31/08/2022 09:42

You are in another unhealthy relationship. Google the Freedom Programme.

Isittrueornot · 31/08/2022 09:44

Does it matter? Move on, 2 years will turn into 3,4,5!! All a waste

BlueSlate · 31/08/2022 09:48

Some people, for whatever reason, feel panic when things are going well and their instinct is to push away.

I can tell you from personal experience (because I was one of those people) that there is nothing you can do that will change it.

The drive to push someone away is far stronger than any desire he might express to live together or get married. You won't be able to 'love him better' and he will lose respect for you/shut down if you try.

He would quite likely also panic if you did make the final parting shot and back pedal. But it would happen again. And again and again.

You are better off out of it.

category12 · 31/08/2022 09:54

Let him go.

It's a pattern with him.

Be best to call it quits now, and not end up with this cycle of bullshit, imagine the damage flaky daddy would do to kids.

You deserve consistent and healthy.

Original poster
Tiredoftryin · 31/08/2022 09:55

I'm just so shell shocked to go from somewhere so amazing to nothing.
The irony is as he would say all these wonderful things I would try to persuade myself he meant them, I thought it was my own barriers from the past preventing me from believing in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredoftryin · 31/08/2022 09:55

We had no intention of having children. It was just going to be us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredoftryin · 31/08/2022 10:00

I feel like he waited till after the weekend and our day out as he'd been really looking forward to it.
I wish he'd done it before as he met all my friends and they thought he was absolutely amazing. He was telling them how much he loved me.
Now I'll have to say it's all shot to shit!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/08/2022 10:01

It's so out of the blue that you need to let him go because you'll never know when he's going to do it again if you stay together.

Watchkeys · 31/08/2022 10:14

I don't know if it's back to the game playing at the beginning of the relationship or what

It doesn't matter. Why do you not know if it's over? Who decides that? Who decides that, if you're in a relationship that can turn horrible at any moment, through no fault of your own, who decides that the relationship is over? And why isn't it you? Why aren't you deciding that this relationship, which is unpredictable in a way that severely hurts you, that this partner, who hurts you, aren't part of your past? Why aren't you letting him go?

If your answer is 'because I love him so much', that doesn't mean you should stay. It means you need to leave, and look into your internal mechanisms that make you love someone who hurts you.

Watchkeys · 31/08/2022 10:16

I thought it was my own barriers from the past preventing me from believing in it

Having boundaries learned from past experience doesn't mean you need to discard or ignore the boundaries. Why do you think it does? Why do you not think 'I learned my lesson when I felt like this before and didn't respect how I felt'?

fedup078 · 31/08/2022 10:17

Christ I had an ex like this
Was telling my family he wanted to marry me the week before ghosting me
I'll be wary in all future relationships now

Original poster
Tiredoftryin · 31/08/2022 10:38

If this is it, I'm done with relationships for good.

I have my value in myself and need to remember it.
Im sick of men telling me how great I am, perfect partner, kind, generous. Easy going. And being dumped on.

I think in truth im too easy going. Hence they think they can treat me like this. However I don't want to change who I am just to suit their misguided intentions.

OP posts:
lightand · 31/08/2022 10:42

You had an amazing year.
I dont think most relationships can say that.

And he stopped with the "it's over" for a whole year too.

Personally I wouldnt be hasty in ditching all this.

Original poster
Tiredoftryin · 31/08/2022 10:46

lightand · 31/08/2022 10:42

You had an amazing year.
I dont think most relationships can say that.

And he stopped with the "it's over" for a whole year too.

Personally I wouldnt be hasty in ditching all this.

I don't want it to be over by any stretch of the imagination.
I think I'm absolutely shell shocked about the whole thing.
We both, after a few wobbles threw ourselves into head first, we're vulnerable and tried. Despite the hurt in the past we've both had.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/08/2022 10:48

lightand · 31/08/2022 10:42

You had an amazing year.
I dont think most relationships can say that.

And he stopped with the "it's over" for a whole year too.

Personally I wouldnt be hasty in ditching all this.

Seriously? They've had a great year and he's telling her it's over anyway? He's absolutely the kind of bloke you run a mile from.

Watchkeys · 31/08/2022 10:55

lightand · 31/08/2022 10:42

You had an amazing year.
I dont think most relationships can say that.

And he stopped with the "it's over" for a whole year too.

Personally I wouldnt be hasty in ditching all this.

Most healthy relationships can say that. They can also say that their partner wouldn't pull the rug from under their feet by suddenly saying it was over without warning. It's a massive, massive disregard for OP's feelings, and indulgence of his own problems.

Why would you stay? The good times aren't the way to judge a relationship; it's how you deal with adversity together.

When someone tells you it's over, accept it.

Original poster
Tiredoftryin · 31/08/2022 11:35

But this is the thing - he's thinking about it.
He's still telling me that he loves me.
He's still talking to me - but just needs to think about it.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 31/08/2022 11:43

Yup, you're right, that is the thing. If your partner is considering leaving you, your relationship is based in uncertainty, over which he rules.

Do you think this is healthy?

category12 · 31/08/2022 11:51

Tiredoftryin · 31/08/2022 11:35

But this is the thing - he's thinking about it.
He's still telling me that he loves me.
He's still talking to me - but just needs to think about it.

Yeah, he's fucking with your head.

He wants to keep you hanging on while he's off doing whatever he's doing, so if he decides to come back you'll be lovely and compliant and grateful, if broken inside.

fedup078 · 31/08/2022 11:55

This is no life op you will be walking on eggshells, terrified of this happening again if you get back together
You can't live like this

WatieKatie · 31/08/2022 12:45

I have no time for men who do this, it is cruel and you cannot live you life wondering if he’s going to end your relationship out of the blue.

This is what I’d do; go no contact, pack up his items and drop them off to him. He’ll soon come running back.

if you do decide to continue things make it very clear that the next time he ends the relationship you will not take him back.

Watchkeys · 31/08/2022 12:53

if you do decide to continue things make it very clear that the next time he ends the relationship you will not take him back

i.e. observe him behaving as his natural self, and then, if he does it again, leave.

Bad plan. He's already shown you what he's like. Challenging him with an ultimatum to be someone else won't help anyone feel better. He'll still be who he is, but restricted. You'll still be who you are, but feeling restrictive.

user1471462428 · 31/08/2022 13:02

My grandma once told it’s okay to have a wobble (about a relationship) just keep it in your own head till your certain. He’s hurting you, he knows he’s hurting you and you need to know you’re worth more than that.

Ofcourseshecan · 31/08/2022 15:55

Watchkeys · 31/08/2022 11:43

Yup, you're right, that is the thing. If your partner is considering leaving you, your relationship is based in uncertainty, over which he rules.

Do you think this is healthy?

your relationship is based in uncertainty, over which he rules

This.