DP back to blowing hot and cold

[Tiredoftryin]

DP and I have been together 2 years. Had a few ups and downs at the beginning of the relationship, just figuring each other out and our needs. We've both been in unhealthy relationships in the past and we're both defensive. He'd say we were over when we had these ups and downs- his defence mechanisms for it. I told him how it affected me and knocked my confidence. He stopped doing it. We've been an absolutely amazing place for a year now. No arguments. No problems unsolvable.

We went out the weekend had a great day out. Both of us looking forward to it for 8 months.
We've been talking about moving in together, getting married etc.
Monday he tells me he's had enough can't do it anymore and we're finished.
He's been telling everyone I'm the love of his life, I mean everything to him. I feel the same.

He's not cheating. Before that's suggested.

I feel like the rugs been pulled out from under me.

We're speaking about it this weekend. But I think it's over. But I don't know. I'm left reeling in an unknown this week.

He's left some of his stuff at mine.

I don't know if it's back to the game playing at the beginning of the relationship or what?

I was in a relationship like this for two and a half years. It was hell. As a PP said it's okay to have a wobble but you keep it to yourself until you're certain. After the breakup I realised how horrible my ex had been to me. I realised he wasn't some tortured soul who had trouble dealing with his uncertainty about me. He just got some weird satisfaction from hurting and manipulating me. If you love someone you'd never make them feel unsafe or insecure and you wouldn't threaten to end the relationship because if there was a real issue you'd bring it up and sort it out. Right to the end I thought my ex was the most amazing man I'd ever met. He wasn't. You deserve better.

Don't let him decide this is the end. You decide it for yourself.

A pp said that you've had a good year and so shouldn't give up on him. I disagree - in any healthy relationship you should expect a 'good year'. And in a healthy relationship that doesn't suddenly end with him deciding he's had enough, for no discernable reason. In a healthy relationship he wouldn't mess with your head or keep you dangling.

If he can act like this after a 'good year' what can you expect if you have trying times, say illness or job loss or bereavement? If he can decide to leave you when things are great, when will you ever be able to relax and trust he'll still be there tomorrow?

You don't deserve him messing you around and playing with your emotions. Don't be grateful for his scraps. Even if he changed his mind today and begged for you to try again, how will you know when he's next going to play his games? You'll be living on eggshells, frightened to ever disagree with him in case he walks. That's no way to live and it definitely isn't a good relationship.

Bloody hell.

He's thinking about it? And he expects you to just wait until he's decided? He's not giving any consideration at all to what this is doing to you, is he?

Has he for one second wondered what you're thinking, or what you want to do?

He knows what I want. He's waiting so we can speak on the weekend to decide.

It is him who makes the call unfortunately as I didn't want an end to the relationship.

I accept some fault in this as there are some minor issues, but I'm not a big demonstrative talker and when he says he's unhappy with x, y and z I don't tell him - right let's resolve it by a,b and c . I just get on and do it.

I'm also not big on huge rows or fights do like to sensibly sit down and talk things through. He's of the same ilk so we're giving time to sit down.

He isn't great at saying exactly what bothers him and does broad range - this is annoying me.

Ironically none of the issues are he or I, they are things on the periphery of our lives. Which makes things harder to deal with - jobs, ex's, that kind of thing.

I know he's had a stressful month - lost his job - but has a new one. But I've been fully supportive of it.

Sorry feel like I'm drip feeding.

But I've been thinking all day. Admittedly come up with excuses, but still thinking.

Judge people by what they DO. Not what they SAY.

He's treating you absolutely appallingly and he knows it.

The sooner you can detach yourself emotionally from this prick the better you'll be.

What make you so certain he hasn't had his head turned?

Honestly, I wouldn't wait until he decides. If he genuinely wanted to stay with you he wouldn't have done this.

If you take him back your life will be spent walking on eggshells in case he pulls this shit again.

You can make the call and you should. I guarantee he’ll do this again and again otherwise. I know you don’t want to end it but sometimes that’s the best thing to do however difficult. It doesn’t matter why (you may speculate) he is doing it . He is and it’s abusive . He’ll probably ramp it up and in another year or so you’ll be completely enmeshed and unable to think straight at all. How you feel now x a thousand.

Walk away now, block him and as I said look at this.

www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-About-Freedom-Programme/dp/0955882702

Stop saying ‘it’s him that makes the call.’ You have control over your own life and you are giving him so much power if he does say he’ll give it another go. He will know he can do whatever and you’ll always be there ready to forgive. How can you have any kind of a lasting bond when you are always on tenterhooks in case he decides it’s over again. But then it won’t be. Again and again. He’s done it twice in 2 years- these are meant to be the easy fun years!!

Pack his stuff up and let him collect it. You can be sad for the relationship by all means, remember the good times and accept what you e learnt about what you want/need in a relationship

I accept some fault in this

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. The way a person behaves can make you unhappy without their being any fault. For example, a person might be unhappy because their partner goes out clubbing regularly, or because their partner keeps a pet snake or rat. 'Fault' is not the issue. The issue is that he is treating you in a way that's bothering you. He is making you feel unsettled, unhappy, uncomfortable. He isn't taking your feelings into consideration when you want him to. He is disregarding the effect his words and action have on you. That's up to him. But you have to think about what is good and healthy for you. Is this good for your mental health? Your self esteem? Your confidence? Your trust in his consistency, as a partner, going forwards? Does the way he is behaving give you a feeling of faith in the relationship he can offer you, and that it can make you happy?

Don't try to blame. Look at what you want. Do you want a partner with a history of treating you in such a dismissive way? If you stay with him, that's what you will be choosing for yourself. And then, if you keep trying to think of who is 'at fault', it'll be you, for staying, when you've had all the information laid out before you, and ignored it.

He is not treating you well. If he was, you wouldn't be posting. He has form for doing this. Don't put up with any more, or it'll just keep coming. This is who he is. This is how he treats you: sometimes good, sometimes with complete disregard.

I'm an older person! Hence my title name..but I have come to realise and its taken me a long time that at the end of the day it really is them and not you..it's their weirdness, shallowness, commitment phobia, whatever and you're so right you/we don't need to change ourselves because of these tossers.

He can fuck off. Move on.
Why on earth are you saying you dont want the relationship to end?? Dont be a mug! Literally nothing to talk about. You had a good year, great. BUT he is unreliable and remain so. Your deserve more. He will be laughing at you that he has so much power. You are being a pushover.

Stupid c*. (Him)

Wishing you the best and sorry you had to go through this

You teach people how to treat you.
By accepting this treatment, you are teaching that it’s okay.
You can teach a different lesson by walking away.

Forget the tortured soul idea. These men are abusers. This is an abuse tactic. He has emotionally abused you previously when he pretended he wanted to end the relationship.

Many, many years ago I had a BF like this and it went on and on until one of those times he did end it over the phone for good. Now I would not entertain such behaviour but I was young and stupid. Men like this are a waste of time.

Over 30 years ago I'd someone like this - my first boyfriend. And in cycles, he'd have all this shit flying around and I'd be sitting there like a gobshite waiting for him to realise my worth. He never did - but then again, neither did I.

Here's the truth - as much as it hurts: you aren't enough for him. Maybe he's deluded that he can land some gorgeous supermodel heiress half his age who adores him. Maybe there's someone closer to home that he's wondered what if with. But either way, none of them are you. Whatever he's looking for in life, he's not stopped looking. Throw this one in the bin and find a man who stops looking when he found you.

For what it's worth, my ex still pops up periodically sliding into my DMs and he's still the same miserable git who despite having a wonderful wife, home and kids is still to bloody stupid to appreciate how lucky he is.

I've spent some time with friends and by myself to give myself some time and space to think.

In all honesty I'm feeling a little empty about the whole thing.

Sounds like he can't/won't commit and thinks it's fine to keep you on edge. Coward. Get rid!

This sounds like his stuff- you’ve both got close, met friends…and off he ricochets. For whatever reason, he may be frightened of intimacy which may or may not chime nicely with your own process and he will repeat this pattern ad nauseam unless he recognises and engages with it and gets therapy to sort it out and make him eldest available to be in relationship with you.

Himself, not eldest!

What did you friends think about him? Have any of them had reservations that they only now express?