LONG - Hubby's training/attitude has changed the whole dynamic of our family

[wowmummy]

So basically, I'm a SAHM. Hubby works 3-7am earns VERY good money so we are fortunate enough to have him around when he's not catching up on sleep. - OLD LIFE

Now he is training to be a firefighter, he loves it and I'm so happy that he's happy. However a few things have changed...
He's speaking differently, dropping words out of sentences and sounds like an complete idiot. I tried not to pick him up on it but the other day I said why are you talking like that? Apparently it's 'fireman' talk?
Yesterday was DS (5) swimming lessons and then we go swimming after so my daughters (2) don't miss out. They've started swimming, just like frogs. Quite amazing actually! So got home and he had finished the tea, all sat down to eat and he got his and went in the living room. I said 'oh are you not eating with us' and he sighed 'yeah ok fine' and I said 'You don't have to it's just I thought you would to hear about swimming but it doesn't matter'

He doesn't seem interested in us at all. What we've done etc. I had a fall yesterday and he just said oh god but was completely distracted. If it was him I would have at least said are you ok though?

My mum then later rang to say a climb up a cliff all the men in the family are doing in the family has been postponed and her and my sister are going away that week. I was pretty upset and jealous that everyone seems to have a holiday with someone to look forward to and not me 😕😬Anyway after tea it was get ready for bed and he helped. He said he wanted an early night as he has got a busy week and that on the 26th and 27th of September he's got some kind of exams. That day we were supposed to go to Thorpe Park. Now I know this is stupid but I have been living for that day just for the freedom and that my mum agreed to have the kids for tea as well. I've been the sole carer of the kids, if he looks after them it's the line 'I've looked after the kids all day' big whoop. Of course I don't mind looking after them but he expects me to do it without a break, full shopping etc with just a pushchair as I can't drive.

Anyway Thorpe Park is cancelled, I have no childcare as my mum said I don't need it. I'd go on my own but there's no way of getting there. I've got from 10-2? I was thinking of going to an afternoon tea or having my hair plaited that I've wanted done for so long but I can't find anywhere. I looked at national express but everywhere was quite far away

I'm probably just feeling a bit lonely. Me and DH text about the kids and bills paid - it was pay day yesterday so making sure everything is paid.

Selfish is probably a good word as well, I understand he's got a lot on. He came back from the station the other night and was like they are/I'm so happy that they can make golf a 4 person - he plays golf. He's signed up for training on a morning, Tuesday and Thursday evening. To get his diamonds and hopefully the silver axe. If anyone is a fireman's wife they will understand this if not it's a ranking and prestige award/title thing. I said 'look it all sounds great but you have to sleep as well as work and try and spend time with us as well as getting your diamonds, silver axe and going to golf. So in the order of it is sleeping and working and then will come golf as he will want to 'have a break' from working. Oh I don't know. Just to add in due on tomorrow so that's probably just my reason for my rant!!!

Also any idea of what I can do on the day I am supposed to be going to Thorpe park? I can't go with my close friends as one is pregnant and the other at uni and the rest working! I was thinking maybe just go to the library? Oh yeah DS got his award and medal from the library yesterday, DH didn't ask him why he had a medal round his neck. I felt for DS on that matter

Thankyou if you've got this far I don't have anyone to speak to as everyone just thinks the fireman career is amazing and the focus is around that

Well first, you, because that seems to be at the bottom of everybody's list. What about going somewhere for a massage? Going to the cinema (it's actually really nice alone during the week day and there are usually others on their own too). Think about things you've always wanted to do, or things that make you feel relaxed or happy when you think about them, or things that you'd feel proud of yourself for doing. Make a list in a brainstorming kind of way and then see what's actually possible on that day, those times and reachable. Don't think about a single other person either. And remember you have the budget of Thorpe Park for both of you, not just your share of it to spend. 😉

As for DH it sounds like he's checked out. I don't know the details of firemen training but I know it can be full on. That doesn't mean he gets to completely ignore you and the kids. He doesn't stop being a husband or father because he's becoming a firefighter. I'd wait until after the exams and after your time to yourself and then sit down with him and discuss how this is going to work, because it's not working for you now. Do speak to him earlier if you want, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, it's more that he'll likely say you're stressing him before this exams as a way to DARVO you.

Also, re getting your period, I noticed that when I got upset at that time of the month it was usually things I had every right to be upset about and was actually just trying to ignore the rest of the month. You're not wrong to be upset about his behaviour: he's taking you for granted in an extreme way and treating his kids horribly.

I've not much to say about the golf other than he's not single and he needs to give you the time off that golf gives him. He's living in cloud cuckoo land.

It takes 3 hours to get to Thorpe park and as I've only got 4 hours I can't make it. Childcare bailing out isn't great. I looked at the cinema but can't book yet but will look nearer the time

It's intense training, super intense and of course it has to be when you think of a role of firefighter of course they have to be the best. I get that totally. He's asked if we are doing anything on Sunday as they are going to golf on Sunday and want to make it a 4 ball. I haven't replied 😂😂😂 if he doesn't go to golf he just says well when can I go etc and throws a paddy. Or the classic well we can find you a hobby. Even if I had a hobby when would I ever be able to go?

I could try speaking to him but he would just think we can have sex and life will be sorted 🙄

You haven’t said why you ‘can’t drive’ - so we don’t know if it’s a medical condition, or lack of money (which doesn’t accord with all the leisure activities you list in your OP,) or something else.

Obviously countless parents manage perfectly well without driving - but it seems your life would be improved if you could be more independent in your comings and goings.

What job does he do for only four hours a day (3-7am) that earns very good money? And why would he give that up for something like trainee firefighting which isn’t well paid?

2 things stand out for me.

-Your husbands behaviour isn’t great at the moment, as someone put it he sounds checked out.

-You are very dependent on others, who do not prioritise you, to get your needs met.

You can’t force the first one with your husband except to make him aware of the issue. It is his to handle after that. Waiting to be happy until someone else changes is a mugs game.

The second one is the one I would focus on. Figure out what you like, invest in making friendships, maybe starting off towards getting a career or another type of outlet that you’d enjoy and make your own life. Taking care of young children sounds like it is something you enjoy for the moment but get things in motion for when they don’t need you as much and make time for yourself in the meantime.

I agree with Muddle!
Unless there is a medical reason why you can't drive I would start learning! You don't want to be relying on him taking you places, if he's working weekends etc you need your independence!
It will change your life!

Yes it's a medical condition, I'll never be able to drive which is a bummer

He's a highly qualified senior engineer for a big business, he's not giving up those hours. His money is made up by his unsociable hours and shift pay as well so that also contributes than if he worked a day shift.

Even if I miraculously cured myself of epilepsy he'd never let me drive in case I had a relapse which I have in the past

Okay! In that case I don’t see why you aren’t making more use of a taxi service on a regular basis.

(In other countries it would be considered completely normal to employ a driver for your exclusive use.)

As pp have said, you’re currently too dependent on other people. It’s bad for you and will only get harder as your children need you to support their activities.

DVLA guidelines
You can drive if nil seizure 12 months
He does not make the driving rules
Do not be a martyr

If he wasn’t part of your life what would you do? My DS has managed seizure epilepsy, my cousin too. My son will be taught to drive. My cousin drives. You have to start taking control of your own life. You are not a passenger in his story.

Is he planning on being a site engineer and a fire fighter. That is absolutely ridiculous. Where will his family fit in?

Use taxis.

start working part time and build up your financial independence

My husband's workday. He's in tech.

Not this he works those hours, but he does 1-3 hours' of work a day.

It is a massive adjustment for the whole family when one partner re trains , it is all exciting for them and it expands their world but it can be really hard on the other partner and relationships. I think you need a frank discussion with him about if he is making a new life for himself or still invested in the family. If he is generally a decent man he might just be carried away with it all and will realise what he needs to change after a chat. Hopefully you can communicate about it and get back on track .

I don't understand what you are asking ? How to get to Thorpe park or how to sort your husband out. It's really long but not clear atall what you are trying to get out of this post ???

I know a couple of fireman wives. It seems to be a very 'macho' environment. Hopefully your husband will snap out of it rather than feel the need to join in

Op, is he's training to be a retained firefighter in addition to his engineering?

If he is, he needs to get to know his team and gel with them. They need to know they can trust each other, so I get why he's signed up for some golf plus obviously he needs to do his exams.It's not really a job you can do half-heartedly.

But this should all be fairly short term. Once he passes his exams it should ease off. And you sound like you need some friends of your own. If he has two evenings out, can you book two evenings out as well? A class or gym? Maybe help out at the school to meet other mums.
Then you both have more interesting things to talk about, better conversation, new ideas etc. I think covid/lockdowns have left a lot of people wanting a bit more from life.

It's NOT really a job you can do half heartedly

That was what I assumed from the OP too that he is holding down his job and working as a retained fire fighter. That sounds like a lot to leave the OP with.

I don't like the bit where he didn't want to sit with the DCs and catch up on their day. Even if you put the rest to one side,he doesn't sound like an engaged DF and I'd be picking him up on that and say the DCs are hurt by his lack of interest.

Do you like being a SAHM? Reading between the lines, you seem a bit bored and like you need more time/activity for yourself. You're needing him to give you respite from the kids and things to look forward to - and absolutely he should be doing some more of that, but that's a bigger battle that I suspect will be quite long-term if he's the golfing/blokey type and isn't fundamentally that into the domestics (you picked him and it's up to you how much of this you put up with). But in terms of yourself, which is more within your power, what's your plan longer-term - do you want to work/study/retrain? Can you pay for some childcare to get you some headspace and stimulation? Sure the first answer will be no and you're skint/stuck/stranded in the middle of nowhere with no one to help, but hopefully you can get past that and assert your own independence, as your DH has plenty. Just because he'll moan or be annoying about looking after the kids, shouldn't be a deterrent - he's doing what makes him happy, you need to do likewise. Maybe then you'll both be happy and have more sex and all's good. For now, look at the bigger picture - this shouldn't be about one day at Thorpe Park or a swimming lesson. It's a way of life and it needs fundamentally fixing before it sends you over the edge.

I know he needs to build a relationship and stuff. I don't have a hobby that's the thing. No way would he go to work and then come and look after the kids if I went out for the same amount of time as golf which is like a full day

He's not a site engineer he's senior but alongside others that work other shifts obviously

Taxis is probably the way forward for now

I don't mind being a SAHM, Maybe the holidays have made me more stressed but I love spending time with my children.

My time is in the evenings watching tv or something I don't have a hobby like golf or anything.

He is domestic and isn't bad but can be lazy and like all men selfish at times

You have to talk to him. Tell him you feel excluded by him. Tell him you are not getting enough from him and it's making you feel lonely and sad.

He sounds a bit 'self-focused' aka selfish.