LONG - Hubby's training/attitude has changed the whole dynamic of our family

[wowmummy]

So basically, I'm a SAHM. Hubby works 3-7am earns VERY good money so we are fortunate enough to have him around when he's not catching up on sleep. - OLD LIFE

Now he is training to be a firefighter, he loves it and I'm so happy that he's happy. However a few things have changed...
He's speaking differently, dropping words out of sentences and sounds like an complete idiot. I tried not to pick him up on it but the other day I said why are you talking like that? Apparently it's 'fireman' talk?
Yesterday was DS (5) swimming lessons and then we go swimming after so my daughters (2) don't miss out. They've started swimming, just like frogs. Quite amazing actually! So got home and he had finished the tea, all sat down to eat and he got his and went in the living room. I said 'oh are you not eating with us' and he sighed 'yeah ok fine' and I said 'You don't have to it's just I thought you would to hear about swimming but it doesn't matter'

He doesn't seem interested in us at all. What we've done etc. I had a fall yesterday and he just said oh god but was completely distracted. If it was him I would have at least said are you ok though?

My mum then later rang to say a climb up a cliff all the men in the family are doing in the family has been postponed and her and my sister are going away that week. I was pretty upset and jealous that everyone seems to have a holiday with someone to look forward to and not me 😕😬Anyway after tea it was get ready for bed and he helped. He said he wanted an early night as he has got a busy week and that on the 26th and 27th of September he's got some kind of exams. That day we were supposed to go to Thorpe Park. Now I know this is stupid but I have been living for that day just for the freedom and that my mum agreed to have the kids for tea as well. I've been the sole carer of the kids, if he looks after them it's the line 'I've looked after the kids all day' big whoop. Of course I don't mind looking after them but he expects me to do it without a break, full shopping etc with just a pushchair as I can't drive.

Anyway Thorpe Park is cancelled, I have no childcare as my mum said I don't need it. I'd go on my own but there's no way of getting there. I've got from 10-2? I was thinking of going to an afternoon tea or having my hair plaited that I've wanted done for so long but I can't find anywhere. I looked at national express but everywhere was quite far away

I'm probably just feeling a bit lonely. Me and DH text about the kids and bills paid - it was pay day yesterday so making sure everything is paid.

Selfish is probably a good word as well, I understand he's got a lot on. He came back from the station the other night and was like they are/I'm so happy that they can make golf a 4 person - he plays golf. He's signed up for training on a morning, Tuesday and Thursday evening. To get his diamonds and hopefully the silver axe. If anyone is a fireman's wife they will understand this if not it's a ranking and prestige award/title thing. I said 'look it all sounds great but you have to sleep as well as work and try and spend time with us as well as getting your diamonds, silver axe and going to golf. So in the order of it is sleeping and working and then will come golf as he will want to 'have a break' from working. Oh I don't know. Just to add in due on tomorrow so that's probably just my reason for my rant!!!

Also any idea of what I can do on the day I am supposed to be going to Thorpe park? I can't go with my close friends as one is pregnant and the other at uni and the rest working! I was thinking maybe just go to the library? Oh yeah DS got his award and medal from the library yesterday, DH didn't ask him why he had a medal round his neck. I felt for DS on that matter

Thankyou if you've got this far I don't have anyone to speak to as everyone just thinks the fireman career is amazing and the focus is around that

If you only have the kids and TV, you're relying too much on him to relieve your boredom and he's not going to be reliable because he's got these other interests. It doesn't have to take up a whole day, but there must be something else you're interested in to get you out of the house for a few hours a week without the kids. Not saying he doesn't need to step up and at least feign an interest in yours and the kids' day, but it does seem like your house is really divided into you're interested in the kids and he's interested in his work/hobbies and that divide is only going to get wider. Just as he needs to pay more attention to the kids, seems like you need to pay more attention to your life beyond the kids.

Hmm I see what you mean. Whatever I do alone I always feel like I could have more fun if the kids were with me, unless it's shopping?? Does that count?

My friend offered to plait my hair today and then asked if I was stressed or pregnant as it's so thin 😫 I know I'm not pregnant as I'm due on. She just said it'll grow back don't worry

God help me

What did you enjoy before you had dcs? Sport? Art? Volunteering? Creative stuff? Book club? Choir?

What about a local meetup group?

There are three firemen in my friendship group and they are all very hands on family men. The shift pattern can be a ball ache though.

If he only works 4 hours per day then he should have lots of time to spend with the family, even if he is also going to be a "retained" (I assume this means part-time) firefighter. If you have a medical reason why you cannot drive, then some of the family money should be devoted to your being able to get a taxi or something so that you are not dependent on him for all your access to social activity.

I suspect what's happening here is that the internal culture in the fireman's group is that their loyalty to each other is top of their priorities, with wives and families being pushed down the list a bit, and that this is justified because they are doing something important for the community. I have observed this in a different area with men in my parish who get very involved with religious men's groups there. It's good to be volunteering for the community but it can interfere with family life if the group culture allows it. Even if he is taking on a volunteer role, his family should still come first.

If all your friends are busy during the day and your only free time is during the day then you need to make some new friends so you'll have people to hang out with in your free time. I have had similar problems and I would say rather than look for something you're interested in, I would suggest you look for what's available during times you're free, and then get interested in it. If it's knitting (just an example, it could be crocheting, cooking, pottery, whatever), then congratulations, you're about to become a knitter! Things like that. If you try knitting and hate it, you can always quit and find something else, but you'll have met some people through the knitting group and maybe you'll meet their friends and you'll like them, and so on. Just start anywhere and follow your nose. But if you don't start, then you'll never meet anyone new and you'll never have a social life independent of your husband.

I think you could do things with your pregnant/student friends Talk to them have a moan. You sound a bit lonely. Being a sahm can be lovely but you need things for you. So you have other things to talk about other than the kids. Which he has. Is there evening classes, nights out, courses. Could you attend more things with your children to make more mum friends? Make plans for you.
The fire fighting is quite male bonding from what I have heard, especially when waiting on call outs. I’m sure the novelty will wear off. Talk to him though. Explain how you feel. Plan things together and separately.

OP, to my mind you sound a bit victimy

Its in your control whether you use taxis or learn to drive (as others have said, I also know people who are epileptic who drive, but I know it varies for people)

Its in your control if you source child care to go and enjoy a hobby

Its in your control if you develop different skills

He sounds like a hard worker and brings in good money you said, use that income to get a cleaner/ironer. Take advantage of offloading some of the household stuff.

Then the time you do spend together is more valuable and relaxed

Take more control of your life and ownership of your choices.

a bit victimy

Harsh. ‘Passive’ would surely be a better word? But only with regard to shaping your own life, OP - you obviously put a lot of effort into your children’s lives.

No passive is the wrong word

A victim mentality is one where your ills are blamed on something or someone else

So for OP, husband lets her down, mum lets her down, hasnt got child care, cant get out because she cant drive, friends are only available at the wrong time, hasnt got a lot to do because of the kids

Its all someone else or something else contributing to her feelings. Except that they are her choices and feelings but she takes no ownership for them

What she needs to do is empower herself to feel 'I have a choice here, I can do this, I can change my habits and make different decisions'

Start taking ownership of what she does, she will feel a million times stronger and that leads to a more positive cycle within her.

I do know what you mean

I can arrange to see my friends - I have today but I meant on the day of Thorpe Park I have no one else I can go with.

Now schools are back all the baby groups are back open and I am well known in the area so will see people I know etc which will be nice. The girls enjoy seeing other little ones.

Tonight I did something quite drastic though...
School stuff being sorted, piles of washing to sort and we've been out all day. When he came in I said teas cooking can you finish it off I'm going upstairs to tidy everything away - clothes, toys, put the clean bedding back on. They need to go in the bath I'll put some jarmas out. When I say piles of washing though I mean PILES. So he's getting on with it, can hear him getting a bit stressed. He bathed them and all is well. Then all three of them came running to me saying mummy we missed you then oldest twin said mummy I love your hair, I love your eyes, I love you 🥺 and he just stood on the landing like omg I've just fed and bathed you. And I wanted to say welcome to parenting as he usually gets that attention when he walks in. I felt a little smug and a bit like the shoe is on the other foot

@bellac11 so what can I do with the kids though? I will quite happily go into town and all but it's with them. I'm not alone to do anything for myself? If that makes sense

What you need is a big old plan

Think about ideally what you would want to do, how you would like to do it, and who would be involved

That might be one off things, or daily things, weekly things

It might be that you employ help to manage your needs so that your time is freed up, on the other hand you might not want to do that

Are you interested in joining classes languages, crafts, mechanics, dance, fitness. Not only do you make new friends but its not about 'kids', you appear to already have mum friends, what about friends that arent really just about the fact you are mums.

Then your mobility, do you have money to put aside for getting cabs or mini buses, are there groups locally who arrange fun days out, join them, is it possible to start your own, put out an idea on nextdoor or facebook, would anyone join up (be boundaried about that sort of thing, you dont want freeloaders or people who are flaky and let everyone down, theres a risk there)

Lastly, make sure he is reassured that despite what the kids say, they do love him, it happens to you sometimes Im sure where you feel unappreciated by them!

Yes I suppose I could start with the library, they advertise local groups and actually speak to someone as well as looking online.

He knows they love him but it was just nice to be the exciting parent, not the one that feeds them, dresses them, plans everything for them. Basically keeps them alive and sorts their lives like a parent 😂

I would need to look somewhere that is friendly though I'd find it so intimidating starting somewhere new 🙈

Ok so one day left on the course

Hubby has got his diamonds - hurrah!

Least then we will get some normality back. I know the job won't stop but least he won't spend every night revising. He can go to the training session for 2 hours and that's great, gets him out of my hair whilst I watch Netflix but he's then not bringing the studying home so to say.

I was actually just eyeing myself up to see maybe if anyone would take me on as an affair 😂😂😂