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Original poster

That friend who just won't stop rubbing it in.

54 replies

Londonactive · 30/08/2022 23:28

Just that really.

Got told to get the fuck out of a man's house the other day when I didn't want to have sex with him. Called my friend as I made my way home. A few days later I cried to her about how badly men have treated me for years and years ( 6 months out of a very abusive and depressing relationship, she knew a lot about this).

She hasn't stopped going on and on about how amazing the new guys are that she's seeing. They all want a serious long term relationship with her and constantly take her on fancy dates, buy her gifts and call her none stop.

I have a biopsy tomorrow, she calls me this even saying 'she has a problem.' I was expecting an actual problem to which she responds that the (amazingggg dream) man she is seeing has declared his undying love for her, wants her to be the mother of his kids and she's 'not sure how she feels.'

I literally cried my eyessss out the other day (to her) about the awful men I keep meeting, and how I'm panicked because my biological clock is ticking and I keep meeting men who are really at the bottom of the dating pile. She knows I have been through A LOT.

People are entitled to be happy, but read the room. She has sooooooo many friends and even has one staying from abroad one who is extremely happy in her relationship, why not speak to her? Why me?

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Deb888 · 29/01/2025 12:22

Londonactive · 30/08/2022 23:28

Just that really.

Got told to get the fuck out of a man's house the other day when I didn't want to have sex with him. Called my friend as I made my way home. A few days later I cried to her about how badly men have treated me for years and years ( 6 months out of a very abusive and depressing relationship, she knew a lot about this).

She hasn't stopped going on and on about how amazing the new guys are that she's seeing. They all want a serious long term relationship with her and constantly take her on fancy dates, buy her gifts and call her none stop.

I have a biopsy tomorrow, she calls me this even saying 'she has a problem.' I was expecting an actual problem to which she responds that the (amazingggg dream) man she is seeing has declared his undying love for her, wants her to be the mother of his kids and she's 'not sure how she feels.'

I literally cried my eyessss out the other day (to her) about the awful men I keep meeting, and how I'm panicked because my biological clock is ticking and I keep meeting men who are really at the bottom of the dating pile. She knows I have been through A LOT.

People are entitled to be happy, but read the room. She has sooooooo many friends and even has one staying from abroad one who is extremely happy in her relationship, why not speak to her? Why me?

Thoughts?

I think she's jealous of you. Could be your looks, your wealth, your job, your confidence, something about your life. She keeps you as a friend because she needs your support or you make her look good. then on the other hand she's always ready to bring you down when there's a chance to make herself feel better. She feels insecure next to you and hates your success, yet needs you at the same time.

BlueisBeautiful · 29/01/2025 12:29

There are people out there that can smell low self-esteem from a mile away and will use that for whatever (nefarious) purposes they see fit and that suit their own personal agenda and circumstances. Your "job" now, if you like, as it sounds as if you are finally waking up to what types of characters you're attracting into your life, is to figure out what sort of energy you're putting out into the world that attracts them.

It very much sounds as if you think very poorly of yourself, despite strangers and others telling you otherwise. Extremely low self-esteem is a hard place to be and I should know as I have put up with my share of users and abusers both in the workplace, "friends" and with men. I've tolerated so much s@@@ in the past that I look back in horror at what I excused.

I have a good friend who allowed someone she has known for 30 odd years to steal money from her, lie to her face shamelessly, neg her, behave like a complete tw@@ at family events she has been invited to, drinking uncontrollably, mouthing off and setting her up with horrible men just so she can have some drama. These people are unbelievable but they do exist and you need to learn about them, how to put good boundaries in place, and enforce those boundaries.

Learn to love yourself. Loads of free resources on YouTube. You will attract what you put out.

BlueisBeautiful · 29/01/2025 12:35

wheresmymojo · 31/08/2022 06:43

You don't attract people like these men and your friend, but you do keep them when others would have told them to fuck off.

Person A (let's call her Alice) has a high self-esteem and believes they are worthy of love and respect. Person B (Bea) is their identical twin but was separated at birth and grew up with low self-esteem and feeling 'not good enough'.

Like a Sliding Doors scenario they meet the exact same people dating and socially.

When Alice spots red flags they trust themselves to know how they deserve to be treated. They have strong personal boundaries and aren't afraid to walk away pretty early on if people cross them because they trust that better friendships and relationships will come. As a result, Alice only has people in their life who they feel they can trust and that add something to their lives. If you really dug deep they'll be able to remember a few random encounters or short lived friendships/relationships with people who they didn't click with or where there was a weird red flag of some kind that made them back off. These have made an occasional amusing story at the pub told to their group of lovely mates.

Alice has a lovely relationship with a decent guy and a small but perfectly formed group of close friends. Alice is grateful but doesn't even think about whether they 'deserve' this or not, because having good relationships is natural to them.

Bea also spots red flags but because of their low self-esteem they doubt themselves - "maybe what that person said wasn't that rude", "maybe I'm being over-sensitive", "maybe that guy was just having a bad day and I was being annoying".

So multiple red flags pass by which are noticed but buried. Sometimes the red flags are brought up by Bea, but the other people sense she can be gaslighted into feeling that she's the one with the problem and can even sometimes make her apologise for it (which they do, because they are emotionally unbalanced for their own personal reasons).

Deep down, Bea doesn't feel fully 'good enough' and worthy of being treated well, maybe they didn't have a great relationship with both parents which means they don't have a solid basis of how a great relationship (platonic or romantic) should feel.

This means Bea's life is full of the assholes that Alice walked away from. Bea has less nice people in their life because their time is being wasted on the assholes, leaving less time and room to meet and grow new friendships and relationships with decent people.

Bea wonders what's wrong with them that they attract so many horrible people and, because they have low self-esteem already, interprets this to mean that there is something fundamentally 'not good enough' about them...like they always knew.

Brilliant!!

BlueisBeautiful · 29/01/2025 12:38

Yes to the above response, it's about knowing your self-worth and valuing yourself so that when someone comes along who DOESN'T see your worth, then your boundaries are so good that you don't have any further "truck" with them. Exactly. We all attract all types of people, but users and abusers pick up on someone's low self-worth and exploit the situation further as there are low to zero boundaries in place. It can be really hard though to sit down and truly realise what you have been tolerating.

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