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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

That friend who just won't stop rubbing it in.

54 replies

Londonactive · 30/08/2022 23:28

Just that really.

Got told to get the fuck out of a man's house the other day when I didn't want to have sex with him. Called my friend as I made my way home. A few days later I cried to her about how badly men have treated me for years and years ( 6 months out of a very abusive and depressing relationship, she knew a lot about this).

She hasn't stopped going on and on about how amazing the new guys are that she's seeing. They all want a serious long term relationship with her and constantly take her on fancy dates, buy her gifts and call her none stop.

I have a biopsy tomorrow, she calls me this even saying 'she has a problem.' I was expecting an actual problem to which she responds that the (amazingggg dream) man she is seeing has declared his undying love for her, wants her to be the mother of his kids and she's 'not sure how she feels.'

I literally cried my eyessss out the other day (to her) about the awful men I keep meeting, and how I'm panicked because my biological clock is ticking and I keep meeting men who are really at the bottom of the dating pile. She knows I have been through A LOT.

People are entitled to be happy, but read the room. She has sooooooo many friends and even has one staying from abroad one who is extremely happy in her relationship, why not speak to her? Why me?

Thoughts?

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 31/08/2022 06:53

I am also a mess because women have always been very very complimentary about my looks and men have said the most awful things. I recently had a guy call me pleasently ugly, but then continue to pursue me romantically. He came back and said he had reflected and realised that 'i wasnt that bad so he might as well see what happens.'

As an example - Alice would have told the guy who said she was 'pleasantly ugly' that he was 'unpleasantly hideous' and then blocked and ignored any further contact from him whatsoever. She'd know that it was utter bullshit and instead of feeling it meant there might be something wrong with her would know for sure something was very wrong with him.

She'd laugh out loud at the sheer audacity and weirdness and then tell the story to her nice mates who would also be "WTF, that man is totally unhinged...and blind!". They'd have a good discussion about the fact he must have wasted some money on a pick up artist site and was trying out 'negging' and almost pity the poor sod.

There would be no continuing to pursue her romantically or coming back and saying because he'd already be blocked, ignored and consigned to the 'WTF?' bucket of one off weird experiences with people who have their own, weird issues to deal with.

Automaticforthepeople · 31/08/2022 07:19

You deserve so much better than these useless specimens of men! Where you fit is not with them! When people act in these ways - they are showing you who they are. It doesn't reflect on you or your worth as a person OP, only them.

Becoming more aware of the early signs/red flags and then removing yourself is so important. It's hard if you have been conditioned to accept behaviour like this.

Your friend sounds very insensitive and self-absorbed. It does seem that it stems from insecurity.

I have had a few friends like this, but have distanced myself and am focusing on more reciprocal, healthier friendships.

I found Bernadette Logue very helpful on this. This video deals with belittling behaviour but I think it applies to your 'friend's' boasting & one-upmanship too.
m.youtube.com/watch?v=3QG5SjOxYXU

BloodyCamping · 31/08/2022 07:28

The blokes putting you down are ‘negging’, it’s a known technique used to make the women feel insecure so they are more available to advances. Regardless, this is not the sort of bloke you should be with, negging and gaslighting blokes all make for awful short or long term relationships.

you need to work on yourself so that your inner self talk is more like a kind friend rather then a critic. Question your values, they seem to be about brains and looks which are superficial but not meaningful. What qualities in people do you really value? It might be worth getting counselling or reading some books about self value to shake things up a bit.

it sounds like you frienemy has low self esteem too

However these friendship experiences help sort good friends from rubbish friends. You could start by suggesting that you both stop talking about blokes and anytime speaks about men just tell her to stop, you do t want to talk about blokes and change the conversation topic

if friends make you feel awful, they are not really friends.

BloodyCamping · 31/08/2022 07:32

Start making new friends. Join a walking group.or other clubs, widen your social circle and interests

NewerCurtains · 31/08/2022 08:33

There's an old (Bible) saying, 'weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice'. That's what a good friend does...when you're down and sad, they sit with you and offer help and a listening ear. Likewise when you're happy, they're happy with and for you!

When things do turn around for you (they will eventually!!), I'd be fully prepared for this friend to turn jealous and unpleasant. Some people enjoy your unhappiness (makes them feel better) and the reverse is also true, when you're happy, they can't handle it.

Someadviceplease1 · 31/08/2022 09:00

Its even worse when they talk about how much they enjoyed 'single life' yet the reality you knew was them going on five bumble dates a week to circumvent their hatred for being alone and utilising recreational drugs.

They then 'meet someone' and that life is a distant memory - I had one tell me 'all woman who use Bumble are unstable' (she met her husband on Bumble)

billy1966 · 31/08/2022 09:04

Get rid of her.

Take a complete break from all men.

Get yourself some counselling asap before you end up an abused woman.

You need to heal.

Look at doing the Freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you move forward.

But stay the hell away from men when you feel this way.

Namedifferentorquestion · 31/08/2022 10:18

She's not your friend. She's tone deaf and using you to feel better about herself.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/08/2022 10:33

Ask her to set you up with some of these numerous amazing men she has to beat off with a stick.

I wonder what will happen.

It's OK to drop friendships that aren't actually friendships.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/08/2022 10:34

Londonactive · 30/08/2022 23:33

Oh, and I have to hear about every singleeeeee guy who stops her on the street and thinks she's 23 (not 30) and beautifuuuuul.

It's literally every single day, we can't speak without it. Do other people's friends do this???

Friends don't do this OP. This annoying woman is not your friend.

You tolerate her for the same reasons you tolerate sub-par men: poor self-esteem.

As to why I attract these type of people? I have reflected upon this, and I think it's because I have very deep insecurities from a relationship I had when I was 18, the man who took my virginity was a class A dickhead. It's almost as if people now smell the lack of self esteem on me and I attract arseholes who feed off of it

Ditch the woman who is not your friend.
Stop dating for up to a year.
In that time - do The Freedom Programme - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Buy yourself this, to understand the dynamics behind why you choose the type of men who are abusive to you - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

And this, to learn how to establish & maintain boundaries, & communicate them effectively in all areas of life - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Communication-ebook/dp/B09NJ9CK8H/ref=sr_1_1?adgrpid=1172080293858784&hvadid=73255220586656&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=41792&hvnetw=s&hvqmt=e&hvtargid=kwd-73255152863773%3Aloc-188&hydadcr=10807_2102392&keywords=a+woman+in+your+own+right&qid=1661938432&sr=8-1

inmyslippers · 31/08/2022 10:35

This person is not your friend. Ditch her and the horrible men

BMW6 · 31/08/2022 15:51

Change your life OP.

  1. Ditch the bitch, she's a frenemy.
  2. Take a year off men, if you can afford it get some counselling for your low self esteem.
  3. Take up a hobby or some volunteering. Something physical and outside, so lots of fresh air and tiring so you sleep well
BoviTraci · 31/08/2022 16:01

NewerCurtains · 31/08/2022 08:33

There's an old (Bible) saying, 'weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice'. That's what a good friend does...when you're down and sad, they sit with you and offer help and a listening ear. Likewise when you're happy, they're happy with and for you!

When things do turn around for you (they will eventually!!), I'd be fully prepared for this friend to turn jealous and unpleasant. Some people enjoy your unhappiness (makes them feel better) and the reverse is also true, when you're happy, they can't handle it.

Oh yes and be prepared for them to try and ruin it for you.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 31/08/2022 16:03

OP,
She isn't a 'friend' ditch her.

greywinds · 31/08/2022 16:07

What @BMW6 said is spot on. And the person who said it's not that you find these people it's that you keep them.

The absolute best case is your 'friend' boosts her self esteem by boasting so outlandish she can't separate that from lies in her head, either way, run!

ImpartialMongoose · 31/08/2022 19:27

Londonactive · 31/08/2022 00:03

Also, as s teen/early 20 year old, I always hung around with the 'best of the best.' the prettiest,most intelligent etc. All of my friends are consultant doctors now and the ones who were attractive were always labelled the prettiest girls in the entire borough etc. It's given me a skewed perception of what normal is.

I am also a mess because women have always been very very complimentary about my looks and men have said the most awful things. I recently had a guy call me pleasently ugly, but then continue to pursue me romantically. He came back and said he had reflected and realised that 'i wasnt that bad so he might as well see what happens.'

This is very confusing when female strangers will regularly tell you how beautiful you are and men have called me every insult imaginableeee. It's like I don't know where I fit 😕

Perhaps you are attractive to men, but don't fit the current stereotype. These idiotic men who have fancied you but also insulted you do it because they think it's their right to grade you. They obviously fancy you but feel the need to take you down a peg or two so you don't start thinking you're a super model 🙄. Could your friend be jealous of people calling you beautiful and she is trying to compete? People that brag that much usually have something to prove, to themselves.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 31/08/2022 19:54

I'd embarrass her and ask her to show me the messages. Watch her squirm she doesn't have any.

Original poster
Londonactive · 31/08/2022 21:39

Amazingggg advice on here thank you ladies, I can see a lot of thought has gone into many of the responses so thank you.

I got a phone today stating that I had reached the top of the list for psychological therapy so it really has come at the right time!

My insecurities are crippling and people can smell it on me very early on in our interactions. I really really hate that about myself and it's something I'm commited to working on.

I will no longer be speaking to this 'friend.' I absolutely believe she competes with me it's very clear and to be honest, the entire dynamic was toxic.

I do find though, that it's much harder to make friends after 30 as people tend to have their solid group and are much more resistant to allowing outsiders in. This is something I have heard many a time from others also. Lots of small talk and surface level friendliness but nothing deeper than that.

Has anyone else noticed this?

OP posts:
Apl · 31/08/2022 22:21

She sounds like a crap friend

RelentlessForwardProgress · 31/08/2022 22:28

wheresmymojo · 31/08/2022 06:43

You don't attract people like these men and your friend, but you do keep them when others would have told them to fuck off.

Person A (let's call her Alice) has a high self-esteem and believes they are worthy of love and respect. Person B (Bea) is their identical twin but was separated at birth and grew up with low self-esteem and feeling 'not good enough'.

Like a Sliding Doors scenario they meet the exact same people dating and socially.

When Alice spots red flags they trust themselves to know how they deserve to be treated. They have strong personal boundaries and aren't afraid to walk away pretty early on if people cross them because they trust that better friendships and relationships will come. As a result, Alice only has people in their life who they feel they can trust and that add something to their lives. If you really dug deep they'll be able to remember a few random encounters or short lived friendships/relationships with people who they didn't click with or where there was a weird red flag of some kind that made them back off. These have made an occasional amusing story at the pub told to their group of lovely mates.

Alice has a lovely relationship with a decent guy and a small but perfectly formed group of close friends. Alice is grateful but doesn't even think about whether they 'deserve' this or not, because having good relationships is natural to them.

Bea also spots red flags but because of their low self-esteem they doubt themselves - "maybe what that person said wasn't that rude", "maybe I'm being over-sensitive", "maybe that guy was just having a bad day and I was being annoying".

So multiple red flags pass by which are noticed but buried. Sometimes the red flags are brought up by Bea, but the other people sense she can be gaslighted into feeling that she's the one with the problem and can even sometimes make her apologise for it (which they do, because they are emotionally unbalanced for their own personal reasons).

Deep down, Bea doesn't feel fully 'good enough' and worthy of being treated well, maybe they didn't have a great relationship with both parents which means they don't have a solid basis of how a great relationship (platonic or romantic) should feel.

This means Bea's life is full of the assholes that Alice walked away from. Bea has less nice people in their life because their time is being wasted on the assholes, leaving less time and room to meet and grow new friendships and relationships with decent people.

Bea wonders what's wrong with them that they attract so many horrible people and, because they have low self-esteem already, interprets this to mean that there is something fundamentally 'not good enough' about them...like they always knew.

This is a brilliant post

Original poster
Londonactive · 31/08/2022 22:52

wheresmymojo · 31/08/2022 06:43

You don't attract people like these men and your friend, but you do keep them when others would have told them to fuck off.

Person A (let's call her Alice) has a high self-esteem and believes they are worthy of love and respect. Person B (Bea) is their identical twin but was separated at birth and grew up with low self-esteem and feeling 'not good enough'.

Like a Sliding Doors scenario they meet the exact same people dating and socially.

When Alice spots red flags they trust themselves to know how they deserve to be treated. They have strong personal boundaries and aren't afraid to walk away pretty early on if people cross them because they trust that better friendships and relationships will come. As a result, Alice only has people in their life who they feel they can trust and that add something to their lives. If you really dug deep they'll be able to remember a few random encounters or short lived friendships/relationships with people who they didn't click with or where there was a weird red flag of some kind that made them back off. These have made an occasional amusing story at the pub told to their group of lovely mates.

Alice has a lovely relationship with a decent guy and a small but perfectly formed group of close friends. Alice is grateful but doesn't even think about whether they 'deserve' this or not, because having good relationships is natural to them.

Bea also spots red flags but because of their low self-esteem they doubt themselves - "maybe what that person said wasn't that rude", "maybe I'm being over-sensitive", "maybe that guy was just having a bad day and I was being annoying".

So multiple red flags pass by which are noticed but buried. Sometimes the red flags are brought up by Bea, but the other people sense she can be gaslighted into feeling that she's the one with the problem and can even sometimes make her apologise for it (which they do, because they are emotionally unbalanced for their own personal reasons).

Deep down, Bea doesn't feel fully 'good enough' and worthy of being treated well, maybe they didn't have a great relationship with both parents which means they don't have a solid basis of how a great relationship (platonic or romantic) should feel.

This means Bea's life is full of the assholes that Alice walked away from. Bea has less nice people in their life because their time is being wasted on the assholes, leaving less time and room to meet and grow new friendships and relationships with decent people.

Bea wonders what's wrong with them that they attract so many horrible people and, because they have low self-esteem already, interprets this to mean that there is something fundamentally 'not good enough' about them...like they always knew.

This is sooooo true! Very thought provoking

OP posts:
Onceuponatimethen · 31/08/2022 22:57

Op you can definitely make friends after 30, just have to work a bit harder at it - start a hobby, join a book club etc etc

blueblueelectricblue28 · 31/08/2022 23:03

She sounds really awful - please ditch her for your own sanity. She isn’t a friend at all!

Daisybuttercup12345 · 01/09/2022 23:44

Completelyyyy
Eyessss
Dreaaaammm
Imagineableeee.
Do you always over exagerateeee??? STOP IT !!!!!!@!!!!!!!

Mydogatemypurse · 02/09/2022 00:05

Shes full of shit and the men are probably ugly and boring.