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Original poster

Is my partner doing enough or am I being unfair?

43 replies

Lslm857 · 30/08/2022 22:39

I have a 6 month old baby and I find myself getting very frustrated and feeling very alone with parenting and looking after the household chores.

I am on maternity leave at the moment and my partner is working full time, Monday to Friday, usually coming home around 6pm. He then plays football on a Wednesday night and a Saturday morning, and wants to go to the gym every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday evening.

My baby goes down around 8pm at the moment, and he also wants to go to bed around this time as he is up around 4am for work. This means that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday he would be going to work, going to football/the gym, and then going to bed, and not seeing me or our baby at all, and not doing any household chores at all. This just leaves Friday evening (by which point he’ll be shattered), Saturday afternoon, and all day Sunday to see us and help with the house, but on Sundays we see both our families, so really just the Friday and Saturday.

Ever since I gave birth I have been away from her twice, totalling around 10 hours. The only time I get any free time at all is a Sunday morning when I shower while he watches her, and the odd occasion (maybe 10 times total) that I have driven round trip corner to the shop by myself.

I asked him if he could go to the gym less times to spend more time with us and help with the house more and he argued saying I don’t care about his mental health and he may as well not go. He doesn’t hear me saying how much I need help or need free time to myself, and can’t see how being away this much is leaving me to do.

I don’t know if I’m being selfish and unfair to him here, but I just feel as though his life hasn’t changed at all since having a baby, and he gets to do whatever he wants, whereas my entire life has changed and I can’t so much as shower alone most days.

I am also breastfeeding so I do all the feeds and have done ever night feed and change since she was born, but I love breastfeeding so I wouldn’t change this.

I absolutely adore my daughter, and I love being her mummy more than anything and I would happily do it all for her, but I would really like some help and like to have some time to myself to feel refreshed in order to be the best version of myself for her.

OP posts:
Westernesse · 30/08/2022 22:41

He is ripping the absolute piss. Absolutely shocking.

tiredtiredtiredd · 30/08/2022 22:42

People don't realise how tiring it is being a stay at home parent!

Tell him he needs to step up, it's his child aswel, not just yours. Yes he's tired from work but he's not that tired on the days he plays football etc.

Family should always come first.

bigspoonlittlespoon · 30/08/2022 22:45

Only read the first two paragraphs to know he's not doing enough. No way. He needs to step up or you need to get rid of him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2022 22:51

Bloody hell. Did he want a baby? He can’t know a thing about her? That’s beside the fact he’s abandoned you completely which is pathetic but it’s heartbreaking he has no interest in his child.

Have you considered dumping him? At least you’d know you could only rely on yourself and wouldn’t fe so disappointed and unhappy.

I’m genuinely shocked.

holidaynightmare · 30/08/2022 22:52

bigspoonlittlespoon · 30/08/2022 22:45

Only read the first two paragraphs to know he's not doing enough. No way. He needs to step up or you need to get rid of him.

Exactly this
He is letting you both down

journey2022x · 30/08/2022 22:52

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I didn't even read a quarter of your post before getting a good idea of what's going on. It takes 2 to tango and parenthood should be a partnership when remaining together.
He says you don't care about his mental health when you kindly ask he goes the gym more.
What about YOUR mental health? What about you? Don't you matter?

You've got this mummy. Well done. You're doing a fantastic job- it's not easy and you're smashing it. Take care

journey2022x · 30/08/2022 22:53

PS...he needs a wake up call and a reality check. You would be fine on your own if you decided to leave. What an incredible job you're doing. You deserve better. Xx

Lilyann60 · 30/08/2022 23:03

Yet another man child. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility.

cestlavielife · 30/08/2022 23:05

He really does not like you or the baby does he?
What happens when you leave baby with hin for a couple of hours on weekend and go out?

journey2022x · 30/08/2022 23:37

cestlavielife · 30/08/2022 23:05

He really does not like you or the baby does he?
What happens when you leave baby with hin for a couple of hours on weekend and go out?

My guess is she doesn't go out :( doesn't sound like she has that time alone, to herself with friends. She states she's only had 10 hours away from baby on two occasions. I assume she doesn't get given time to go out and socialise which is so paramount to mental health. So sad. Xx

CombatBarbie · 30/08/2022 23:46

Didn't read the whole post, I didn't need to read past football AND gym. Nope not how this works. For his football time you should be getting the same time back for yourself.

He needs a reality check.

LocalHobo · 30/08/2022 23:51

How on earth is this going to pan out when you return to work? I would have thought he would be wise to get to know your DC and the way their care works before he takes over 50% of it.

Teeturtle · 31/08/2022 07:48

Why do you even need to ask this? Honestly find that very perplexing, you have just explained how he has zero time for you and your (as in your joint) baby.

I honestly think you would be better off on your own, because he doesn’t make a contribution anyway but at least you would have no expectations or (very justified) resentment building.

Eslteacher06 · 31/08/2022 07:55

Remember, you're both working. You're just not getting paid. It's a nice touch him using his mental health as a get out of jail free card. It may well be true but he needs to compromise because YOUR mental health will suffer. Or is that not important to him? 🤔

And yes. Going back to work is a whole other ball game. If you do not sort this, you'll end up doing all the stuff you do now, as well as working. And it's your job 'cause you work part time' or something.

Something has got to give basically

Musti · 31/08/2022 07:56

Even if you didn’t have children, this would be unacceptable! He needs to prioritise his family.

The fair way to do this is you look after baby and house when he works but when he’s not working then it is 50/50. So you both get down time and you both do chores.

thenewduchessoflapland · 31/08/2022 08:00

The OP might as well be a single mum;things are tough enough now with the OP's DH obviously thinking the house/baby is only OP's responsibility.What happens when she returns to work.

I have to wonder if he actually is out at the gym and football as often as he is or is he elsewhere?

Yet another lazy man with buyers regret after having a baby.

girlmom21 · 31/08/2022 08:17

Yeah it's absolutely not you. He says you don't care about his mental health. What about yours?

KatieLatie · 31/08/2022 08:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Pussycat22 · 31/08/2022 08:36

Bless you, do you realize that you have a baby and another child? Some men should never leave their mothers! x

Charlotte123456789 · 31/08/2022 08:48

He definitely needs to help out more.

Given he is up at 4am and back at 6pm he clearly has a long working day. That said, I’d still agree set nights a week when he will put the baby to bed. Even if that’s just one midweek and one weekend night.

I would also set some time aside for you. For example, if he is at football on Saturday morning, could Saturday afternoon be a regular time that you get free time. Even if that’s going shopping or staying upstairs and watching some trash TV.

If he isn’t spending much time 1:1 with the baby then he won’t realise just how hard it can be. It’s easy to assume maternity is just one long holiday but I reckon after a few times looking after the baby on his own he’ll soon realise it’s not easy at all.

We struggled a little to get the balance right when our daughter was born, and my advice would be to start as you mean to go on. If you don’t start planning time for you now, you’ll set the precedent for that to be okay. Pull together a schedule and agree how you split the childcare and both get time out.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 31/08/2022 08:50

He is entirely taking the piss but you know this. Baby aside he is barely spending any time with you.

Are you cooking for him and doing his washing? I would stop visiting his family and yours and playing happy families; and I would tell him exactly why. Take your DD to your parents and ask for their support.

Who's name is on the lease?
Have you got money and savings of your own?
When do you return to work and will you have sufficient income for childcare with 50% paid for by your partner?

billy1966 · 31/08/2022 08:56

He clearly did not want a child and has zero interest now.

On what basis was this child born?
Unplanned?

Was he always out or has this started to avoid being around.

Either way your relationship looks over to me.

Start being practical and look at managing alone.

Look to family and friends for support.

Can you move home?

If you can, do this.

Sorry you have ended up in this situation but best be practical and protect yourself.

rainbowstardrops · 31/08/2022 09:21

He says he needs to go to the gym several times a week for his mental health but what about yours?!
Put your foot down now and stop letting him treat you like a doormat.

GreyCarpet · 31/08/2022 09:34

I asked him if he could go to the gym less times to spend more time with us and help with the house more and he argued saying I don’t care about his mental health

Does he care about yours at all?

Yes, going to the gym and doing exercise is good for his mental health but you deserve the same oppportunity to protect your own mental health! And being stuck in the house with a baby isn't going to do that.

Going to the corner shop every so often doesn't count.

layladomino · 31/08/2022 09:38

I would start making plans to leave.

Even if you didn't have a baby, if my DP went out 5 times a week and wasn't very interested in spending time with me, I'd question the relationship.

He is equally a parent to your child. Yes, he goes out to work in the daytime, and seemingly works long hours, but the rest of the time you split the care 50/50. You each get the same amount of downtime, time for hobbies or just relaxing.

I'm utterly amazed that when you question his 'need' to go to the gym so often he whines that you don't care about his mental health!!! Is he thick or just completely self-centred? Doesn't he realise that your mental health is also important? Doesn't he think you deserve hobbies too? What does he say when you point out that you also need downtime and that your mental health also matters?

He has decided that your job is to look after your child and the house (and presumably, him) and his job is to work and then continue living his life as if he was single.

He is showing you that he doesn't care much for spending time with you and your child. He doesn't care about your wellbeing. He would rather be away and out of the house. You deserve so much better. Your life would be easier without him in it.