Is my partner doing enough or am I being unfair?

[Lslm857]

I have a 6 month old baby and I find myself getting very frustrated and feeling very alone with parenting and looking after the household chores.

I am on maternity leave at the moment and my partner is working full time, Monday to Friday, usually coming home around 6pm. He then plays football on a Wednesday night and a Saturday morning, and wants to go to the gym every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday evening.

My baby goes down around 8pm at the moment, and he also wants to go to bed around this time as he is up around 4am for work. This means that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday he would be going to work, going to football/the gym, and then going to bed, and not seeing me or our baby at all, and not doing any household chores at all. This just leaves Friday evening (by which point he’ll be shattered), Saturday afternoon, and all day Sunday to see us and help with the house, but on Sundays we see both our families, so really just the Friday and Saturday.

Ever since I gave birth I have been away from her twice, totalling around 10 hours. The only time I get any free time at all is a Sunday morning when I shower while he watches her, and the odd occasion (maybe 10 times total) that I have driven round trip corner to the shop by myself.

I asked him if he could go to the gym less times to spend more time with us and help with the house more and he argued saying I don’t care about his mental health and he may as well not go. He doesn’t hear me saying how much I need help or need free time to myself, and can’t see how being away this much is leaving me to do.

I don’t know if I’m being selfish and unfair to him here, but I just feel as though his life hasn’t changed at all since having a baby, and he gets to do whatever he wants, whereas my entire life has changed and I can’t so much as shower alone most days.

I am also breastfeeding so I do all the feeds and have done ever night feed and change since she was born, but I love breastfeeding so I wouldn’t change this.

I absolutely adore my daughter, and I love being her mummy more than anything and I would happily do it all for her, but I would really like some help and like to have some time to myself to feel refreshed in order to be the best version of myself for her.

Urgh - he sounds v selfish. Yanbu.

Was football/going to the gym his normal weekly routine pre baby or did it start after?

I think this is terrible. He mentions his mental health but clearly doesn’t care for yours as you are basically being a single mom! A baby is hard work and chores on top of that as well as no time for yourself is a disaster. I hate the way some men seem to think women should be the main care giver and the main house ‘keeper’. You had a child TOGETHER. You live TOGETHER. He needs to stop being so selfish otherwise you might as well not be TOGETHER.

Families and couples have different situations, and levels of stress, etc, but the golden rule should be that each partner is entitled to equal amounts of down time.

It’s simple.

You’re not there as his servant, and you’re not there to provide the added accomplishment and social status of a family, in addition to his professional and sporting achievements. What are you left with?

This is just going to get worse as your daughter gets older, sleeps less, starts teething, having tantrums, demanding hours of imaginary play. and scribbling on the walls. For your sake, for the sake of your mental and physical health, and also for the sake of your daughter’s expectations of her own partner, I think you need to break it to your partner that he can’t go leading the life of a single man.

Five years from now, he’ll be the toned, successful office DILF and you could be the boring wife who let herself go.

Reading your post makes me feel so indignant!! 50:50 personal leisure time - golden rule!!

What @Musti said “The fair way to do this is you look after baby and house when he works but when he’s not working then it is 50/50. So you both get down time and you both do chores.”

And work out how much he should be paying into your pension.

He's an absolute twat. Why are there men out there who think they can continue to live their child free lives as normal after becoming a father. I've heard of this happening so many times.

I am on maternity leave too with my DH working full time. He gave up some evening activities because otherwise he wouldn’t be able to spend time with baby during the week. He also does majority of the bedtimes so they can have time together. YANBU here, many men do change their lifestyles when they become fathers in order to prioritise their family. Babies don’t stay small for long and caring for babies is an important part of the attachment process.
Has he given any thought to how things will work out once your back to work or does he expect you to do everything for the baby and the family.

Totally piss take I'd say 2 nights fine poss sat mornings but then you get a couple of nights too. And he clearly doesn't care about your mental health

Easier said than done tho. Good luck

Agree this is absolutely not fair on you.

If he won't budge, can he arrange some kind of babysitting cover for you to get a break? (And he should arrange it, not you.)

This is not at all perfect, and in your shoes I would still feel my partner was letting me and the baby down, if he opted out of family life in that way. But it would give you some free time in the short term, which you must desperately need.

Long-term, he needs to do more.

This is appalling. When we only had one DC, I was in charge of her until my DH got home at 5:30/6. From then until her bedtime feed, that was my break, every evening. Golly, I’d resent my DH when he was 30 minutes late home 😂 The early days are relentless!

DH would still go for a run or lift weights after DD was in bed. Honestly, you can get a good workout in within 45 minutes. It’s really not all that difficult… Or, your DH could push your DC in the stroller while he goes for a run when he comes back from work.

Either way, YANBU. Your partner is not supporting you at all, and I don’t understand how he expects to bond with his baby and feel like a competent parent with so little time together.

He is an entitled cunt and he is showing you and the baby no care at all. I would be saving up a fuck off fund. You hardly see him now and he does sweet FA, you may as well be single. I doubt he will change, men like this think that women owe them service.

Why does he think he doesn't need to do any chores?

Is he actually doing less work than he did before the baby came?

My partner is a bit like this!! we both work and I’m at university but he seems to think of himself and his tiredness/needs only! They don’t realise how tiring it is! My advice mum, pull a fast one and leave him on his own with the baby for the amount Of time you normally have baby on your own! I guarantee he’ll see he’s taking the piss how often he’s gone and the periods of time. Granted, I’m sure he wouldn’t cope if the shoe was reversed.

God, I remember being there. [shivers]
You poor, lonely woman.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby. It sounds like you two have really bonded and that you're doing great. You two are a unit now, for life, a little team.

Don't waste energy arguing, he won't change. Don't leave now, it'll be commotion and you're too tired. Simply write him off. Start building up a network of other mums: they will be your support, now and when you make the leap. Engage family members to help. Get a nanny for a few half days. Get a cleaner. Don't isolate yourself. Get people in the house. Invite other babies round. In your head, quietly write off this man as an adequate life partner. Establish your life, and at some point, or as a result of force majeure, you will be ready to leave. And you will flourish.

Was he supportive during the pregnancies and post partum? He seems to think you’re a glorified slave! Tell him to do a long walk of a short plank, ass hole

I feel like I just read my life! You are not wrong to feel like you need more help. My baby just turned one and I have been the one changing his diapers, doing his feeds as a newborn, even feeding him now is my job, also taking him a bath, and on top of all this working a full time job and doing chores in the house because god forbid he had to wash one plate. My partner also goes to the gym and works a full time. So I feel like we are going through the same thing. You need to have a sit down and tell him everything that you’re feeling because your mental health is important too. Especially since you are the main one taking care of the baby. I just hope that he actually listens to you because my partner tells me that it is my duty as a wife and I should stop complaining and I’m at my last straw at this very moment due to other things as well. So I hope the best for you and I hope you speak your mind and that he listens because being a mommy is hard but also rewarding.

I wouldn't be going to see his family on Sundays as his parents will think he is a lovely hands on Dad and not realise he is useless. Could you go and stay with your own family at weekends and see if he even misses seeing his dc all week. If his parents question what's happening don't hide the real story.
Has he a long commute as its an early start and late finish?
The minute he comes in from work say l have to pop to the shops and leave him with baby and stay out as long as you feel baby will manage.
Do you get a lie on on Sunday mornings at least?
Make sure you do go back to work and don't let yourself become dependent on this tosser as you will then be trapped with no money of your own. I hope he is upfront with his money now and not messing with that too.