friendship one - feels so weird/hurtful...

[alliwantisaroomwithaview]

Namechanged in case outing. Would really appreciate some sage words of wisdom here as I've never been in this position before and it's upsetting me a bit...

I value and love my friends enormously. Always found it easy to make and maintain friendships, and felt very lucky because of that. I have a couple of very close friends that I've known since childhood (30+ years!), and have also made extremely good friends as my life has gone on.

About eight years ago, I became friends with another school mum - kids in the same class. We became very close - think several family holidays together, shared significant birthdays, I was the first person she called when her mother died etc etc. If anything, in retrospect, she was quite pushy in terms of getting to know me - telling me that I was her closest friend, telling me private stuff about her marriage/family - none of this made me feel uneasy or anything at the time. We got on brilliantly and had great times together.

Over the past year or so though, she's cooled off massively and I don't know why. At first I put it down to lockdown aftermath, general work/life busyness and tried not to take it personally. As time has gone on though, it's become clear she just isn't that fussed anymore. When we do meet up, it's fine, if a bit stilted. But it's totally different to before. Weeks will go by without any communication. We've had no contact all summer (both been away) - I invited her and her DH to lunch at ours this weekend and she's ignored the invite completely - this is so different to a few years ago.

I'm honestly NOT a needy or weird person, but I've literally never been in this position before and it's thrown me. Of course, I've had friendships gradually fade a bit due to circumstances, but never a friend who was previously this close.

Sorry this is long. I know she would deny there being a problem if I were to ask her about it, and I almost feel embarrassed to discuss it with any of my other friends (it seems very playground!), but any tips for understanding and moving on would be great. Thank you.

It is hurtful, but honestly you choose where to spend your energy.

In these circumstances, I would out that energy into finding new friends/hanging out with those who deserve my company.

But it does hurt like buggary. I'm sorry you are being treated like this.

Oof, I can imagine how crap that feels. When you say you can’t ask her about it, do you know why not? Instead of asking what’s up could you ask her how she is and say you’ve been missing her and would love a chance to go for a drink or something just the two of you to have a proper catch up? If she declines or ignores you I’d accept it and try to let go but it’s got to be worth a go, you’ve been so close for a long time.

It might be nothing to do with you, maybe she or someone close to her is ill, marital problems, depression, who knows. Maybe her tank is empty. But you have a right to your feelings, by being distant she doesn’t know what’s going on in your life either.

Currently going through similar situation and it's awful. It's like my best friend of 20 years just stopped giving a shit about me.

I've deliberated about whether to try and patch things up but it takes two, and I've decided I can't be flogging a dead horse so unless it comes from her, it's just prolonging the agony and adding further pain IMO.

I'd leave the ball in her court she's had ample opportunity pick up the slack.

It hurts terribly though and makes little sense.

@feckoffbrian - thank you. You are so right about choosing where to spend one's energy, absolutely. I have other great friends, so I don't feel bereft and lonely...but on the flip side, I've never had a previously close friend 'back off' like this, and it does hurt as you say. 🙁

@AnneLovesGilbert - great user name! It might be nothing to do with me - but in terms of circumstances I'm pretty sure there's nothing untoward going on. Our husbands are very friendly with each other, so I would probably know about it. It could be something more internal (if she was struggling or feeling down), but equally I used to be the first person she'd come to with anything like that, so quite a change....

I've also suggested drinks and catching up properly by ourselves (when we do meet these days it tends to always be with our DH in tow - again, different), and she's always swerving it somehow. If I were to raise it, I know she would say 'god, don't be silly, of course you haven't pissed me off blah blah' - but her enthusiasm for our friendship and interest in me and my life is SO different to how it was. I'm an adult and can 'take it', but it just feels really sad and strange tbh.

@Metabigot - sorry you're going through something similar. It does get to the point where it almost feels a bit humiliating doesn't it? I've never been one for drama with friends and am not 'flighty' at all, but I'm coming to realise that perhaps she is. In retrospect she pushed very hard for us to become close friends very quickly - maybe she is someone who is full on at the beginning and then gets bored quite quickly. Saying that, she does have a small group of female friends - a few of whom she's known since childhood - so it's not like she's a total butterfly or anything.

I know the feeling, have similar experience. I decided that when I did see my friend, it was still good and I enjoyed spending time with her, though not the same. What I ended up doing, after years of deliberation and writing letters that I never sent, was decide to actively lower her down in my own priorities, but still maintain friendly contact and happy to see her when I do, though it's not as free and easy as it was. I'm glad now that I never sent the letters as it would have made it awkward. I still catch myself out thinking too much into things, but ultimately I'm happy to have her as a friend still, and try and focus on other higher priority relationships.

@orchardgirl4 - good advice thank you. Similarly I don’t want to really confront her as it would be awkward…out of interest did you ever discover why your friend distanced herself a bit?

What age are your kids?

I found a lot of school Mum friendships naturally died off when the kids reached secondary age; the need to entertain kids cheaply in the holidays etc by meeting up with other familes just wasn't there when I had teens rather than 5/7 year olds etc and that worked both ways.

I did have a friend like you describe, both my DC were in the same classes as mine and we did a lot of joint childcare swaps/pickups/etc etc. She really pushed the friendship and almost wanted us to be indispensable in each other's lives and it worked, actually. Then she very suddenly moved to Europe and doesn't stay in touch. That's ok.

I think that saying about friends being in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime is really helpful here. Some friendships just have a season to them - you both have young kids in the same class and it works to be in each other's pockets when they are small, but that season moves on.

Friendships serve a purpose. I know that sounds cold, but usually the friends we make as adults play a particular role in our lives.

It sounds like your friend ‘used’ you as a confidant when she was going through some hard times. Either those times have passed, or she maybe wants to forget that they happened. Either way, she doesn’t need to be in your pocket as much as you have done in the past.

I have had incredibly close friendships with colleagues, where we have been like sisters. Holidays, free time spent together, double dates. The moment we both took to different jobs, it petered out- we were no longer bonded by a toxic workplace and had lost that shared group. We simply didn’t need each other any more.

Friendships come and go. Enjoy and look fondly back on the memories, but don’t chase her. Use your energy elsewhere.

Lost that shared ground**

Friendships have their own timeframes, it sounds as though your friend has maybe outgrown this friendship. Its no reflection on you, she will have her own reasons.
I have pulled back on 3 friendships this past year because l feel for me its the end of the road. Something has shifted, its no longer working, no ones fault, but time to move on.

I was in a situation like this and the end of the friendship was a very sudden ghosting. Truly sudden- the last message I ever had from her was a message saying ‘love you!’ After planning what we’d do when we next met up.

I later met her former best friend, the one before me. I had figured they had drifted apart, but asked about it since I was genuinely heartbroken about the loss of this friendship. It turns out the friend has BPD and this is just something she does. She has close friendships, is loving, generous, kind, and then drops them with no explanation.

I still don’t know what triggered the end for us, and honestly it still upsets me deeply. For 8 years she was my best friend. So many of my daughter’s firsts were with her, too- we were at her house when DD first said ‘mama’. DD’s first picture drawn at nursery was of us all together. She was more family than my blood family. But- it’s not something in my power to fix and I think that’s the crucial thing. I’ve done everything I can.

I had this with a friend who kept ghosting me on and off. It’s painful. Never realised how painful it would be to loose a friend and it took me quite a while to move on from it. In fact I was surprised by the intensity of my upset…never would have predicted I’d have been that bothered.

I did ask if there was a problem and received a “no everything is fine” response. I expect few people would respond honesty that they just want to end the friendship.

i think what previous posters have said about friends being friends for a reason or season is right. I agree with accepting that she has deciding to move on, for what ever reason, and focusing attention on relationships with people who are still invested. It’s ok to feel sad though and you aren’t unusual in feeling the loss of a friend.

Thanks for all the messages - I’ve heard the reason/season/lifetime phrase and agree with it. I have friendships that apply to each for sure - but what feels peculiar here is that it absolutely felt more like a ‘lifetime’ friendship. Although we met through our kids, the ‘convenience’ factor honestly wasn’t really a factor here - we would go out in the evenings by ourselves, meet up to do stuff during the day if we could fit it around work and so on.

I’m aware I don’t have much choice but to accept it - if she wants to pull back on the friendship, it’s up to her - but it just feels quite confusing and hurtful. It’s good to hear other people’s similar experiences and thoughts, so thank you again 😚

I'm another this happened too, the post above about your kids' firsts at their house is straight to my heart. She was an NCT friend who lived down the road, she kept me a bit at arm's length, would never come to my house or make fixed plans but I did consider that we were very close. I guess it was more one sided than I realised.
She backed off a lot and I eventually realised and stopped contacting her.
The worst thing is I bump into her fairly often as she lives so near and she makes a big show of "it's so good to see your face, when are you free?" But it's all bullshit and she has no intention of seeing me.
I am just focussing on friends that do want to see me.

It has massively affected me though as I feel there is something wrong with me now, and no one actually likes me. Lost a lot of confidence so it's harder to meet new people and has impacted on my younger child as it's been harder to connect with other people with kids his age. I completely identify with feelings of being humiliated and feeling small.

@FloodTheBathroom its quite hard when kids are involved too isn’t it. My friend (or rather ex friend) had a child the same age as mine and the LOVED each other and were very similar. He asks about seeing her but it’s hard to respond to when the answer I’d that he can’t because her mum stopped contacting me. He seems to have moved on now but I felt bad my friendship affected his too. Keeping kids and adults friendships separate now!

OP I think you are right about the anticipated denial if you raise this.
My 'friend' and I had a bit of an incident that led to the friendship going south although with hindsight things had not been right for a while. We went to stay at a family attraction with overnight stay and I got some bad news that day so was understandably a bit upset but friend would not let me talk about it, got all huffy when I mentioned anything about it and acted irritated with me the whole time also saying some horrible comments. There's more but I won't rehash it all. Point is something had suddenly changed in her behaviour to me. The atmosphere felt different.... like something had broken.

I was upset but put on a brave face for the kids and thought I'd cool things for a bit and not chase after her. When I finally did get in touch via text a few months later I mentioned the incident tmonly to be met with complete denial. Of course, why would she acknowledge anything was wrong if no longer invested in the friendship?

Wish I'd not said anything now, there is more dignity in silence but any decent friend would at least want to explore what happened even if not admit fault. And there's nothing more invalidating than being told nothings wrong when you know there bloody is!

So unless she raises it (unlikely) any attempts to discuss are likely to be fruitless I would say.

I don't think there was one reason she distanced herself. It is easy to think it's one thing, mainly one's self being the cause having somehow caused an offence - I thought this for a long time, maybe I'd bought a bad present, or maybe my home is too messy or dirty for her to visit lol, any number of things I tried thinking were the reason, mainly me being at fault. I actually think it was a combination of life things, like maybe my friend has been comparing her life to others, maybe myself. Maybe their marriage isn't going well but they think yours is perfect, or your children are better or maybe they want more children but can't for a number of reasons, maybe work isn't good etc etc. Maybe she has depression that's not immediately obvious, or doesn't want to draw attention to herself anymore, to stop feeling inadequate, and thus isolating more, mentally and physically, is like a form of protection for herself. In recent time some of the above I have found to be true, so now I can still be a supportive friend, but I also spend less time worrying about why I'm a lower priority to her and focus more on other friendships.

There is an article in the Stylist magazine today about this very thing. I access it through Apple news App so can't link. It's very common though. Allow yourself to grieve the loss.

I always read threads like this thinking 'wow it's more common than I thought' because the same thing happened to me. Friends for 25 years, saw each other pretty regularly and always had a FAB time, she was a witness at my wedding, etc. We saw less of each other when she had her DD (although when I had my DS a few years earlier I still made loads of time for her) and through lockdown obviously we didn't do much together, but we stayed in contact.

I last saw her for dinner at Christmas time last year and we had a really fun time as usual, arranged to meet in Feb which she cancelled due to childcare issues, and since then, zilch. Not a peep. Not even a text on my birthday.

I guess all I can say is it's probably nothing you've done - I agonised for months thinking I'd said something, or done something, or did she ever really like me, all that kind of stuff. But I know I've been a good friend, I'm fun on a night out and I'm supportive and kind - so I figure something must be going on in her life that's nothing to do with me - and to focus on other friendships. Maybe some day she'll get back in touch, or maybe she won't. But agonising over it isn't going to help - tough as it sounds - and it's best to focus on other people that enhance your life. Sorry that was long! 😀

I has this with a "mum" friend. We were very close for around 5 years and met when our DD's were about 3. The girls became really close too.

She made all the running and her and her DH would be constantly inviting us over, inviting us on holidays and nights out. We got very swept up in their life very quickly. For 5 years all was great.

Then she started cancelling on me all the time and although the girls were still friends she would drop or collect her DD and always have a reason why she couldn't stay for a glass of wine or a coffee like she usually would. Time between contact gradually got longer and longer as I realised I was suddenly the only one making any effort.

I then found out she and her DH were divorcing ( she'd been having an affair apparently ) and never saw either of them socially again even though I sent messages of support, dropped flowers off and suggested meeting for coffee. DH reached out to her DH but contact eventually fizzled out.

The girls stopped seeing each other outside of school and then eventually went to separate schools from y7 and never saw each other again.

I did grieve for the friendship for a few years until my DD become seriously ill and she didn't contact me at all. She would have known all about it from a mutual friend. That's when I realised there had really been no friendship to grieve for and now I just feel sadness for the time I spent on her.

Sorry for you op. I vowed I will not be used again. Used to meet a cousin regularly. Was nice. Got drop as fast once she started work..... Busy busy busy. I realised people were 1 sided with friends. Not nice

It's really hard, there are no two ways about it 😰

Sorry for slow reply and thank you so much for all the lovely and thoughtful responses. I'm sorry many of you have experienced similar situations, but it's also quite reassuring to know I'm not alone in this.

I veer between just feeling bemused and a bit sad to also being slightly cross. She came to me with lots of problems, I was a shoulder to cry on, but actually when there were times I needed her support (my DD was seriously ill about 18 months ago, now okay thank goodness), she wasn't really there for me at all.bIt's just so far from how I operate - once I'm at that rare level of closeness with a friend, they've always remained a big part of my life. Even those who I might be a little less close to/see less of because of time or circumstances (they moved to in different parts of the country, or have super demanding jobs, say), it's never felt like this...and when we do meet, it's like no time has passed! This situation feels entirely unlike that - but it is what it is.

Another poster recommended the piece in Stylist today and I do too (you can read online) - it's very interesting. Thanks again all.

A friend of mine had someone sunddenly blow cold on her like this. She asked what was wrong and got a whole speech about how they didn't have anything in common anymore and she no longer wanted to be her friend. I didn't know adults did this. Truly bizarre.