friendship one - feels so weird/hurtful...

[alliwantisaroomwithaview]

Namechanged in case outing. Would really appreciate some sage words of wisdom here as I've never been in this position before and it's upsetting me a bit...

I value and love my friends enormously. Always found it easy to make and maintain friendships, and felt very lucky because of that. I have a couple of very close friends that I've known since childhood (30+ years!), and have also made extremely good friends as my life has gone on.

About eight years ago, I became friends with another school mum - kids in the same class. We became very close - think several family holidays together, shared significant birthdays, I was the first person she called when her mother died etc etc. If anything, in retrospect, she was quite pushy in terms of getting to know me - telling me that I was her closest friend, telling me private stuff about her marriage/family - none of this made me feel uneasy or anything at the time. We got on brilliantly and had great times together.

Over the past year or so though, she's cooled off massively and I don't know why. At first I put it down to lockdown aftermath, general work/life busyness and tried not to take it personally. As time has gone on though, it's become clear she just isn't that fussed anymore. When we do meet up, it's fine, if a bit stilted. But it's totally different to before. Weeks will go by without any communication. We've had no contact all summer (both been away) - I invited her and her DH to lunch at ours this weekend and she's ignored the invite completely - this is so different to a few years ago.

I'm honestly NOT a needy or weird person, but I've literally never been in this position before and it's thrown me. Of course, I've had friendships gradually fade a bit due to circumstances, but never a friend who was previously this close.

Sorry this is long. I know she would deny there being a problem if I were to ask her about it, and I almost feel embarrassed to discuss it with any of my other friends (it seems very playground!), but any tips for understanding and moving on would be great. Thank you.

I think you could drive yourself mad trying to find the reason, when there isn't actually a logical reason for this.

There are some people who just manage their friendships like this. They are often the ones (in my experience) who throw themselves in hook, line and sinker at the start (you later realise this was their response to jettisoning the last close friend). It's all or nothing. You were the 'all' for a while, and now she's found another 'all', or has one lined up. Nothing you've done or not done. Nothing you can do to stop it. Not a reflection of you at all.

It's hard to deal with, but don't drive yourself nuts trying to find a logical and understandable reason.

Just to give some positivity, I fell out with another close friend last year and never thought we'd speak again. It was basically a massive misunderstanding and I was blamed for something I didn't accept I'd done and she wouldn't accept I hadn't. That descended into a bad place and we ended up not speaking.

I thought that was it, and it was a 30 year friendship too. But I spontaneously got in touch 6 months later not expecting a response. We tentatively made friends again on condition we never mentioned the 'incident ' again and are now as close as we ever were.

That was slightly different in that there was no build up, no gradual decline. OPs situation and my current one dounds like its petered out more gradually rather than a sudden bust up.

But I honestly never thought I'd see my pal again and last weekend we were out having fun just like old times. So you never can tell.

Someone has touched on this.. you and the friend are adults. The behaviour from her is deliberate and IMO pretty crappy. Same as others also going through thos with a LT friend. My view after several weeks of no contact is the person is aware of what they are doing. Whatever the reason they are not able to be honest and considerate of the effects on you by how they are behaving (me/ everyone else who is going through this) and that's shitty. At an age when you have children and a functioning adult, you should be able to say whatever is bothering you/ be able to articulate the future of the relationship. Saying nothing, in effect ghosting is cowardly. Shame on her. Let her go. Don't reach out. You haven't done anything wrong. Reaching out for an explanation from someone who is capable of doing this won't give any answers. The truth and answer is with your friend OP, if she can't do you this courtesy she doesn't deserve to be in your life. A true friend would not do this.
I'm so sorry for your loss. X