introducing chikd to partner

[krkw]

How long would/did you wait?

Two years.

also 2 years for me.

This is MN, the standard advice is about 10 years.

It really depends on the children's ages, how you know the partner, if they have kids etc, what the ex/dad situ is tho.

3 months

We’ve just had a play date with our children after 5 months. As ‘friends.’

Between 3 and 6 months

Longer than you think

We're at 3 years and it's not on cards. We're ok with it.

A year I think, minimum. It takes a while to really get to know someone and not just what they want you to see.

Before someone met my child I'd want to see how they deal with stress/a crisis, how they react if I need to change plans because of my children and whether they have a temper, drink too much etc

It also gives time for checks like Sarah's and Claire's law.

This is mn, so the answer will be years! Been with my partner nearly 11months and he met my kids after nearly 10wks. I needed to know what he’s like with them before it progressed any further. I also did a Claire’s law check on him. My youngest 2 are 14 and 11

9 months with him introduced as a friend. Was about 18 months when we told the DC we are now boyfriend/girlfriend. Still all good 4 years later.

I wouldn't want to leave it too long, because if they hated each other that would be a deal breaker so I'd want to find out sooner rather than later.

I think about 6 months. But it would be at least 2 years before I'd consider moving in together.

I usually disagree with mn on this one. I think demonstrating dating to dc is fine - you can explain you’ve met a special friend and you both like hanging out so you’re seeing if the relationship grows. I just don’t see how 2 years of a relationship ignoring the key element of kids you already have can be reflective of a long term reality. It’s like living 2 lives.

Fairly early on as friends. I didn’t see the point in getting invested and potentially falling in love with someone to then find out they don’t like your kids or your kids don’t like them. I think we had been dating for 3 months before he started joining us for days out etc.

Depends on age, situation and gut instinct. Dd met dp the first night he stayed but she was over 18. My other dd set up my dating website profile!

I think introducing once it looks serious is a good idea because if they don't get along, especially in a blended situation, you will know that the relationship needs to end

When you've been a social worker who has seen the impact of people moving too quickly you definitely get more cautious.

It's takes a long time to really really know someone!

I also disagree with the wait for years camp. How can you really get to know someone without seeing how they are with their kids and your own? I can't imagine being that compartmentalised if the other person really seems like a serious candidate. Obviously you have to be sensible about safeguarding and cautious about committing (eg moving in together) too soon but that's different from having them meet and spend time together.

6 months worked for us.

I met DH's kids after about 2 months. It felt soon but the kids were dying of curiosity, but we only met for outings/meals for quite a while. It was several months more before I stayed over with them at the house.
I think if you both have kids you need to take longer and the age of the children is relevant as is the co-parenting situation.

If you are thinking about a future with someone, 2 years is extreme imo. You need to know if your kids like the person and vice versa or you have invested a hell of a lot for nothing. There are responsible ways to introduce a new partner without waiting so long. For example, I'd think about introducing as a friend in social situations first, progressing to spending time at home and holding off on overnight stays until sure things are going well (over the course of months for this).

I guess it depends what you want from the relationship. Do you want a live in partner so you can live together as a family eventually. Or would you rather keep your lives separate. I think having late primary aged children I would prefer not to live with anyone with my children. Therefore I wouldn’t hurry and would wait a year and only would meet if I knew this person was definitely in my future.

I think it would be really upsetting for small children if their dad is not in the picture and they meet a boyfriend spend time with him and he disappears. Older kids who are co-parented probably not as much.

I think a year is about right. I do have sympathy with the idea of knowing how they are around your kids. Plenty of threads on partners being absolute wankers to kids on mumsnet.

6 weeks with my now husband.

I was a single parent for 6 years before I met DH and had a few relationships in that time. None of them ever met my son, didn't want them to and they actually didn't show any interest to either. I think that shows that it's not going to last.

6 weeks in DH said he'd bought some sports event tickets for a weekend when I had DS and I'd said I couldn't go as I didn't have child care. The sport was what my DS liked not me and he'd bought us all tickets to go together.
I was out of my comfort zone but we went along and it went well.
No canoodling

It went from there, days out here and there. DH didn't move in with us until I was 7 months pregnant with my second (2.5 years later)

I think introducing as friends in a social situation is fine to do early on if it feels right. Kids meet many other adults this way and we don't care about their emotional well-being then.

What's wrong is meeting multiple boyfriends in a short space of time or shacking up with someone and trying to play happy families after knowing them for 5 minutes.

It's a concern when people want to meet children too quickly, I hope people bear that in mind.

It could indicate at best poor boundaries and an expectation for those children to meet an unmet need. At worst, there is an ulterior motive for wanting to meet a single parent with children.

Fairly quickly, i.e. weeks with my teens but they had known him for years (family friend) and also knew that while they're still children we will not live together, so the impact on them is minimal.