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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What have I done!

50 replies

embarrassed12 · 30/08/2022 09:46

So I’ve wrote a few posts on here about splitting with my partner after finding out he cheated for the second time.

well I was slowly starting to feel better but I went out with friends on Sunday night, he had our son. He was texting me all night and he actually came round yesterday and we slept together!

he’s told me he’s taking this time to work on himself and prove to me that he’s not interested in any one other than me.

i fucking love this man so much, I hate him for what he’s done but he’s just got a hold on me and I can’t say no to him. I can’t imagine my life without him, I know what he’s done is wrong but I just want him back so badly!!

he’s saying in the future when he’s sorted himself out we can get back together and he only wants me. He said he can’t see himself loving anyone the way he loved me. I just don’t know what to believer.

if he loved me he would of never of done what he done but then I love him so much so hearing that made me so happy!!!! hes telling me I don’t have to wait for him but he’d like me to.

im just being stupid aren’t I, falling for this?

OP posts:

Isittrueornot · 30/08/2022 09:52

His kind of saying what you want to hear to keep you as a back up.
Why is he doing that…..because he can. Men see it as that simple.

MaryJoLisa · 30/08/2022 09:53

Yes. See you back here for round 3 of the cheating.

Isittrueornot · 30/08/2022 09:53

Cheating men that is, not just men in general

passionfruitpariah · 30/08/2022 09:54

This is a tale as old as time. He will do it again and you're going to kick yourself and have to pick yourself up 10 times harder next time. Only person can save you is you.

Original poster

embarrassed12 · 30/08/2022 09:57

I’m not strong enough or have the will
power to say no when it comes to him.

he knows this, I just can’t do it!

OP posts:

Mindymomo · 30/08/2022 10:03

I do know 2 couples who have got back together and it’s worked (so far). One of these I asked why she had taken him back and like you, she said she’s only ever loved him and could never see herself loving anybody else. I know everyone says once a cheater, but in their case she did forgive him and they are very happy now.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 30/08/2022 10:07

What consequences are there to his cheating OP? If there aren't any then there's no incentive for him to modify his behaviour.

"im just being stupid aren’t I, falling for this?" No, OP, you aren't stupid. You're naive and trusting like most of us were at one time.

This situation won't change until one of you decides to get off this toxic merry-go-round. He certainly won't because he's getting everything he wants.
He's got the freedom to mess about with other women, while having you as an emotional backstop.

You have the means to stop all this and make a better life for yourself with a genuine, faithful, honourable, trustworthy guy. Please make that choice.

Dery · 30/08/2022 10:13

Actually my dad didn’t want to be married to anyone but my mum. But that didn’t stop him having affairs and in the end mum gave him the elbow. And later met a lovely man with whom she enjoyed a very happy second marriage.

You know you can’t trust this man. You know that he lies and cheats and is very good at saying what he thinks you and his affair partners want to hear. It has already worked on you - he got laid, didn’t he? It’s way too soon to believe anything he says.

You may want to give him a 3rd chance (and btw, you only know about 2 affairs - can you be sure there weren’t more?), but it would be interesting to know what “working on himself” entails. If he’s not back in the home, then he’s well-placed to keep sleeping with other women, isn’t he? I suspect that’s his agenda what with hinting about you waiting for him. He’s not even really trying to come back. I suspect he’s enjoying his freedom but wants to keep you sweet as a fallback.

It’s very difficult but you can say no to him. You said you were starting to feel better. He may have sensed this so he reeled you back in. Don’t let him reel you in. It will be bumpy and difficult but you’re much better off staying on your path to recovery from this untrustworthy, smooth-talking man.

MessyBunPersonified · 30/08/2022 10:14

He didn't even want only you when you were together.

You're acting like you're helpless here, you aren't at all.

You're listening to his words which are contradictory to his actions.

He isn't anything special, just a basic manipulative guy who treats you like shit and gets away with it.

What, exactly, is so special about this guy? The guy who goes behind your back and fucks other women? The guy who breaks your heart? The guy who lies? The guy who can't even leave you alone on a night out because he's worried you'll get a better offer?

Even if you get back together and he magically turns into Prince charming, the relationship has already lost something because of his cheating, it will never be some massive romance story, he's fucked it up and you'll never forget this hurt.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2022 10:14

You are your own worst enemy.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 30/08/2022 10:18

He can't see himself loving anyone the way he loves you...

Doesn't stop him fucking other women though does it!

He knows you'll take him back. He'll be shagging around again in no time.

You need to work on your self worth which is below ground level.

Why don't you believe you are worthy of someone who doesn't cheat on you and hurt you?
Why don't you believe you are worthy of someone who properly loves and respects you?

hewouldwouldnthe · 30/08/2022 10:21

embarrassed12 · 30/08/2022 09:57

I’m not strong enough or have the will
power to say no when it comes to him.

he knows this, I just can’t do it!

Well go ahead and go back to him. No one else can help you.

Whyarewehardofthinking · 30/08/2022 10:32

If you can't do it for yourself then at least try to do it for your child. He needs decent role models and this situation really isn't providing them.

What are you doing right now is showing your child that it is fine for his mother to be treated like shite, and that it is fine for his dad, to treat women like objects to shag and control.

This can really fuck kids up.

CostaLotta22 · 30/08/2022 10:35

He’s not promising anything now is he? You couldn’t trust him anyway.

So what would you be waiting for? for him to ‘work on himself.’ How long will that take?

I think he’s being cruel telling you that and giving you hope but not actually offering you anything.

Maray1967 · 30/08/2022 10:39

You are doing yourself a disservice and your DC an even bigger disservice. You have a choice - carry on like this and get ready for repeat cheating, or never go there again. No one messes me around twice no matter how much I love them - I found that out about myself when I was 19.

Lysianthus · 30/08/2022 11:01

Please get std test.

wellhelloitsme · 30/08/2022 11:02

Do you have kids, whether with him or someone else?

wellhelloitsme · 30/08/2022 11:09

Just seen you've got a son with him.

It's completely unfair to continue a relationship with this man and keep going back to him.

He is making you unwell and your son deserves to see a happy, healthy mum growing up not a toxic household that is unstable and unhealthy.

You say you can't help going back to this bloke repeatedly.

Frankly, you need to decide who you love more - your son or this man.

If it's this man, keep doing what you're doing despite the damage you're inflicting on your son.

If it's your son you love more, it's time to grow up and put him first because neither of you are doing that currently.

He deserves more of a start in life than this madness.

mum333 · 30/08/2022 11:30

OP. I understand completely the situation that you are in. Having been there myself, I understand what you are feeling and going through.
Have you seen genuine remorse from him?
Do you believe his intentions?
All relationships are capable of change, but you both have to be willing to make them.
In order to move forward you need to have extremely firm boundaries. Whether that is around contact, phone, social media.
Equally you MUST be in control! You set the expectations and boundaries, and any that are not met means you walk away.
If there is genuine remorse, and he wants to continue a relationship with you then he will move the world to do it.
Sending big hugs

GreyCarpet · 30/08/2022 12:03

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2022 10:14

You are your own worst enemy.

Yup.

He isn't going to change you know he isn't going to change. He knows what you say to you in order to manipulate you. You're allowing yourself to be manipulate.

You're not in the dark, you are completely clear about what is going on.

You're in 'it's on you now' territory.

FinallyHere · 30/08/2022 12:04

embarrassed12 · 30/08/2022 09:57

I’m not strong enough or have the will
power to say no when it comes to him.

he knows this, I just can’t do it!

I'm sure you could find that strength to support a friend, or a sibling or your child to leave a man who treated them so badly.

Why not do the same for yourself. He is clearly practised at sweet talking you. Is this what you want for the rest of your life, sweet works then ... he is off with someone else again.

That would be a big fat no from me.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 30/08/2022 12:21

Well, no you won’t be able to ‘imagine a life without him’ if you keep letting him off for his awful betrayal and letting him back in your bed!

You are NOT a helpless waif in this story, please find yourself a life away from him where you get strength and happiness from other things - friends, activities, focusing in your son.

Choconut · 30/08/2022 13:03

You need to block him on everything and stay away from him. Get an STD test done while you're at it. You CAN stay away from him - just keep asking yourself why you would want to be with someone who treats you badly. Seriously think about it - there's something wrong somewhere if you desperately, desperately want to be with someone who treats you with no respect - that's not healthy or functional is it? Your happiness should not be dependent on that scumbag - where did you learn that that it is ok for people to treat you like that and that you'd beg for more?

You need to work on your self esteem, work on making a great life for yourself then you'll realise you never needed him at all.

Choconut · 30/08/2022 13:04

PS it's not love, it's emotional dependence.

Lozzerbmc · 30/08/2022 15:11

Oh dear this is a shame- you take him back at your peril how long will it take for him to cheat again?

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