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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What have I done!

50 replies

embarrassed12 · 30/08/2022 09:46

So I’ve wrote a few posts on here about splitting with my partner after finding out he cheated for the second time.

well I was slowly starting to feel better but I went out with friends on Sunday night, he had our son. He was texting me all night and he actually came round yesterday and we slept together!

he’s told me he’s taking this time to work on himself and prove to me that he’s not interested in any one other than me.

i fucking love this man so much, I hate him for what he’s done but he’s just got a hold on me and I can’t say no to him. I can’t imagine my life without him, I know what he’s done is wrong but I just want him back so badly!!

he’s saying in the future when he’s sorted himself out we can get back together and he only wants me. He said he can’t see himself loving anyone the way he loved me. I just don’t know what to believer.

if he loved me he would of never of done what he done but then I love him so much so hearing that made me so happy!!!! hes telling me I don’t have to wait for him but he’d like me to.

im just being stupid aren’t I, falling for this?

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 30/08/2022 16:35

You said you were starting to feel better. He may have sensed this so he reeled you back in. Don’t let him reel you in. It will be bumpy and difficult but you’re much better off staying on your path to recovery from this untrustworthy, smooth-talking man.

Please take heed OP.
You won't recover by letting this smooth-talking cheat back into your life.

riserved · 30/08/2022 17:06

Oh dear OP! I read your other threads, I feel so sad for you. He's risked your health and lied to your face. He's a selfish, selfish man and he will do it again.

You can't think he's not shagging around while you're not actually together?

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 30/08/2022 17:36

You can say no. Obviously.

You have a choice here. Your self worth is on the floor to accept this, that's the only explanation i can think of.

He will hurt you. Again.

tabletipper · 30/08/2022 17:43

What absolute nonsense, "but he’s just got a hold on me and I can’t say no to him"
You are a fully functioning adult, no ?
What you mean is you don't want to say no to him, Take responsibility for your own actions here, What you permit - persists.
The message you send this man - unfaithful man, is that it's ok, because no matter how shoddy he treats you the mother of his son, - it doesn't matter what he does, you'll allow him access to your body and your emotions with no care for your own wellbeing.
So call a spade a spade, you want to be with this person even after he discarded you twice with his infidelity - what does that say to you?

i'll tell you what it says to him, regardless of how he might be 'working on himself' or telling you everything you want to hear it tells him that you are a option, he has told you as much by saying don't wait for him,
its not some fairytale where he is all tortured and angsty he only wants you but cant keep his penis in his pants oh what to do. 🙄

Work on strengthening your own self worth and boundaries

Alcemeg · 30/08/2022 17:53

I think the trouble is, OP, the reason he's so convincing is that when he's in bed with you he probably believes everything he's telling you.

Cheats are able to compartmentalise their lives, putting one world on hold while they fling themselves into another.

While he's with you, he can play the game wholeheartedly. When he's not with you, it's more out of sight out of mind. He wouldn't have been able to cheat on you otherwise.

BlueSuffragette · 30/08/2022 18:04

Sadly, he is cheating on you and you are cheating yourself by thinking you are important to him. If you were then he wouldn't cheat. You need to work on your self-esteem. He's not horrified at the thought of you sleeping with other people whilst he does the same. That tells you everything really. Please get an STI check. xx

DatingDinosaur · 30/08/2022 18:33

“im just being stupid aren’t I, falling for this?”

Yes.

Not sure what question you’re actually asking to be honest.

It just looks like you’ve posted this to let everyone know that you slept with the twice-cheating-on-you father of your son and, until he’s sorted himself out and you can get back together, you’re happy to be not even his girlfriend, just a fuck buddy.

You’ve already made your mind up that you will keep going back to him so it’s up to you to find a way to come to terms with his past cheating and finding a way of accepting and turning a blind eye to his future cheating.

passionfruitpariah · 30/08/2022 19:23

I've been in your position so many times, and it sounds like you aren't in the 'right fuck this, I'm really done this time' place yet. When you are there, your mental, physical, spiritual and in my case financial health is on the floor. It's rock bottom. It took me 2 years to really cop myself on, at a price, but it's not the end of the world. Sorry but this relationship sounds really toxic!

gamerchick · 30/08/2022 19:31

embarrassed12 · 30/08/2022 09:57

I’m not strong enough or have the will
power to say no when it comes to him.

he knows this, I just can’t do it!

Thats cool. See you on your next thread.

Might be worth going for an sti screen though maybe go regular just to make sure you're safe.

oobeedoobee · 31/08/2022 07:04

I second the 'Ok, Cool, but get regular STI's done'.

Nothing will change until YOU decide to change it I'm afraid...

He'll just carry on carrying on behind your back, and you'll carry on being 'hopeful' that your H has 'changed', but he never will...(and you've given him HOW many chances ? So he's said to himself 'Is having sex with another woman WORTH losing my wife and family over ? YES, it IS !') He DOESN'T 'value' you. He thinks MORE about his own dick and cheap thrills than he does of YOU and your DC ffs !

You'll just continue to deny the fact that he DOESN'T love you (because you don't cheat on someone you LOVE, repeatedly ffs !! and this is DESPITE being 'caught' before, and SEEING what devastation that caused you/your DC/ your family life.) and that everything that comes out of his mouth is a LIE (because he lied repeatedly, didn't he ?? So HUNDREDS of LIES, to get his dick pleasured, so he's really NOT going to think twice about LYING to you AGAIN to get his 'cushy' life back, is he ??).

You'll continue to believe the words that come out of his mouth, the SAME mouth that kissed other women, the SAME mouth that he used on other women during sex, the SAME mouth that easily trotted out endless lies to you....

So you just carry on, that's cool, but don't forget the monthly STI checks...

Onebreathmore · 31/08/2022 07:19

Interesting. I knew a man who was a serial cheat . He also spoke of himself like you do, as a passive victim in his own life, who just couldn’t control that part of him. It allowed him to do what he did without feeling responsibility for it.

Whilst you hold onto that passive victim in your own life narrative, nothing will change. You need to change the story you are telling about yourself.

WhenDovesFly · 31/08/2022 07:34

He's saying in the future when he’s sorted himself out we can get back together and he only wants me. He said he can’t see himself loving anyone the way he loved me. I just don’t know what to believer.

Its just words he knows you want to hear OP. If he wanted only you he wouldn't have screwed around with the other women. Was he thinking of you while he was fucking them? No, of course not. The only thing he's working on is how to do it again without being found out.

You had the strength to leave him, find the strength to salvage your self respect and show him the door is firmly closed. Stop with the texting and set up an email for contact about the DC. You are disillusioned if you think he is going to change.

economicervix · 31/08/2022 18:37

‘What have I done!’ fucked your ex boyfriend so he could succeed in ruining your night and not avail of the billions of other cock available. It’s called hysterical bonding, and it’s so cringey to read you’re doing it, shit like this is all very cute and dramatic when you’re 19 and dating the community penis, not at all when you’ve chosen to drag a kid in to this shit show.

Your kid comes before lust and theatrics.

Jewel7 · 31/08/2022 20:01

Is he interested because your getting your life back on track?
Your out with your friends he is at home. Making sure you think of him not others? Did you reply to all the messages? Sounds like he has you where he wants you doesn’t he? Is it a case of he wants other people but also wants you? He sounds manipulative. Have you had counselling to
understand why you put up with his behaviour?

Revolvingwhore · 31/08/2022 20:09

embarrassed12 · 30/08/2022 09:57

I’m not strong enough or have the will
power to say no when it comes to him.

he knows this, I just can’t do it!

Wow, tell everyone how pathetic you are.

Moonface123 · 31/08/2022 20:52

Your hurting yourself OP by clutching at straws.
No contact is your best bet, wean yoursel off him and build a stable and secure way of life for yourself and your young child. He can' t give you that, but you can.

Joanajoanna · 31/08/2022 21:00

For me, it's too soon. You need time and space. If it means never seeing him alone then do that. If you can have no contact, then even better.

You Need to get to a point where you don't feel he has a hold on you. If you need to picture him cheating on you everytime you think of him then do just that.

If you get to a point where you think YOU want to have sex with him then only do that with the knowledge that he's going to go and have sex with someone else as soon as he leaves/finishes. If you're happy with that, then crack on. But please don't tell yourself he's genuinely changed and cannot lie to you.

Catlover1970 · 31/08/2022 21:01

embarrassed12 · 30/08/2022 09:57

I’m not strong enough or have the will
power to say no when it comes to him.

he knows this, I just can’t do it!

Don’t say no then if you’re happy to be with a cheater and liar

AgnestaVipers · 31/08/2022 21:06

I think you're a fool and setting a very bad example to your child. And I suggest if you keep choosing this drama then you need to stop posting on here because you're clearly ignoring all the good advice you've received.

limitededitionbarbie · 31/08/2022 22:10

Your letting him set you up as a convenient fuck.

He's giving you half arsed promises of when he sorts himself out. When will that be? What are the measures of sorting himself out?

He is treating you like an option. Your treating him like a priority. Your letting him.

It will get better if you let yourself move on and away from him.

What are you gaining from this?

If you get back together can you honestly say you will not be always worried about where he is, who he is texting etc?

That is no way to live.

You need to get some hardness in you where he is concerned or he will always take advantage of you.

Look at it logically. He's cheated. And Cheated again. If you take him back why won't he cheat again?

TheOriginalClownfish · 01/09/2022 13:46

Why should he have any respect for you when you don't have any for yourself?

economicervix · 01/09/2022 14:00

I don’t know why she keeps making threads about this farce, they’re clearly not of any use to her, and just a waste of repliers time.

MyneighbourisTotoro · 01/09/2022 14:07

You need to think about your DC, if you keep going back and fourth it’s imply going to cause more upset and confusion for them.

I don’t mean this to be judgmental but I don’t understand how anyone can be so hung up on another person that they allow themselves to repeatedly get hurt, that is not real love and you will only get hurt again and again.

Are your friends able to support you? You should be angry with him for what he has done, especially as it wasn’t even a one off.
Don’t you think you and your DC deserve more?

Twawmyarse · 01/09/2022 21:11

For every serially cheating man there is a gullible woman waiting in the wings ready to give him "one last try" to prove he loves her and only her. I've seen this played out so many times, it's a tale as old as time. They look for women like you as it's good for the ego - they wouldn't be interested in a strong no-bullshit taking woman with high self-esteem.

He made a booty call to prove he could still have you coz he was peeved you were on a night out. Honestly, he doesn't give a shit about you - it just massages his ego knowing you're his beck-and-call- girl. People don't shag about on someone who they love - I honestly think these men who consistently cheat aren't capable of love - they're usually highly fucked up narcissists with very low morals.

But you'll probably still be having this conversation with yourself when you're old and grey and he's cheated for the 453rd time 🤷‍♀️

badhappening · 01/09/2022 23:39

So you go out, have a nice time - so he puts you back in your place, just in case he changes his selfish bastard mind.

He doesn’t want you, otherwise he would be with you.

How long do you want to be kept dangling by him ?

Days, weeks, months, years or decades?

Your choice.

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