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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it an affair or am I insecure?

44 replies

realisingthetruth · 30/08/2022 08:38

Hi

Ive had this same gut instinct that somethings going on with my husband at work. We have been together many years and i just know him and have trusted him completely. Never had a feeling like this in all those years with him.

I will keep this as brief as possible. He use to hate working for this one company & would always moan about everything he does for them. But since a new girl started in the office he jumps at the chance to please the company. He is double her age. As soon as she calls he will go to the office even if he’s just got in from work. He’s also pushing for a full time job with them which he mentions to the boss everyday but the boss still hasn’t produced a contract.

He has everyone on loud speaker when he gets a call as apparently he can’t hear people properly on his phone. But if the girl from the office calls he won’t put it on loud speaker and will walk out the room. He’s even said to me once he won’t be able to pick our daughter up as he’s had a upset stomach, the girl from the office calls and he gone in a instant to ‘pick stuff up’. His voice changes to when on the phone to her and you can hear him laughing and joking around on the phone. If she calls and needs a job doing he will fit it in even if he is fully booked already.

I’ve lost count now of the times he’s needed stuff dropping to his office so i keep saying i can do it for him, but he won’t let me go any where near the office. He will do anything possible, even make his day so much longer to drop the stuff off.

The other morning she accidentally video called him at 7am. Don’t understand how you can accidentally video call?

His jobs mess up to and it’s because she hasn’t organised his day correctly, but my husband can never fault her. For example of this was another employee of his he is very fast to kick off and point the finger.

His attitude changes daily, sometimes he comes home extremely cold and explosive and others extremely nice. It’s a constant worry as to what mood he will be in.

Many months ago now he stopped his bank statements coming to the house and is now talking to a mortgage advisor about buying a house. I keep saying to wait till i’m on full time employment as we can borrow more but he’s looking to get the mortgage with his wage alone.

Just feel like i’m going crazy, keep telling myself it’s nothing but i keep getting a proper knot in my stomach. I don’t know if i’m just insecure or he’s embarrassed of me that’s why he doesn’t want me dropping stuff off for him?

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Aikko · 30/08/2022 08:42

Men are typically very easy to figure out through their actions.

He has a crush on the girl at work and fancies the pants off her.

Whether anything has or will happen - who knows.
No one here knows either party and their personnel motivations for such a relationship.

Newusernameaug · 30/08/2022 08:46

I’m sorry it does t sound good - I too would be feeling worried 💐

ArcticSkewer · 30/08/2022 08:47

It sounds like he wants an affair, is planning for one, may already be having one. Sorry op. Been there!

I can recommend 'chumplady'. She has a book now. I used to read her blog posts. Believe her. She will talk you through the script and you can decide what you want to do.

Put yourself first, always.

Cheminaufaules · 30/08/2022 09:20

The situation you describe reminds me very much of two people I know. He's twice her age. He's a contractor and she chooses contractors for jobs. They get on very well. There is zero romantic involvement.
His business benefits from having her providing him with work. Her business runs more efficiently because she knows she can rely on him to get the work done.
Could it be this, OP?

Aikko · 30/08/2022 09:35

Cheminaufaules · 30/08/2022 09:20

The situation you describe reminds me very much of two people I know. He's twice her age. He's a contractor and she chooses contractors for jobs. They get on very well. There is zero romantic involvement.
His business benefits from having her providing him with work. Her business runs more efficiently because she knows she can rely on him to get the work done.
Could it be this, OP?

I'm not sure it's that simple.

  1. He previously hated job, but now wants to spend as much time as possible at the office to have more contact time with girl.

  2. Doesn't put girl on loudspeaker when she calls - is she being flirty towards him on the phone? - his voice lights up when he speaks to her.

  3. He jumps at the chance to do stuff for girl, even if it is an inconvenience for him.

  4. Doesn't pull her up when she messes up at work, but does pull up other people.

  5. Constant mood changes, probably related to his interaction with girl through the day.

  6. Secrecy with bank statements - possible hiding some spending that he doesn't want OP to see.

If they aren't already shagging each other - he's at least doing his best to get in her good books to facilitate this.

Original poster
realisingthetruth · 30/08/2022 09:59

I keep telling myself it’s just work and they work together. There have been other women at this job he’s worked with but things were never like this. At the moment she is the only one in the office as some working over seas and a few off sick. He had to go back to there to fix something so it was just the two of them. I tried to call him to remind him to pick up daughters couple of bits for uniform but he only rung back when back office shut 5 hours later.

I had to sort his invoicing this weekend for that company this month and need a couple of jobs. I said to husband I will message the girl in the office for the info and he said no don’t email her. She doesn’t need to know etc. It’s all so fishy.

OP posts:
Ohahjustalittlebit · 30/08/2022 10:41

Email her the invoices and introduce yourself to her as his wife.

Watchkeys · 30/08/2022 10:58

What he's actually doing isn't the issue, at this stage.

Your partner is behaving in a way that doesn't sit well with you. If your first instinct isn't to tell him how you feel, and talk it through with him so that you both have a better understanding and a better level of comfort in your relationship, something is wrong, whether he's having an affair or not.

What stops you speaking to him about it? How do you think he'd respond if you said to him 'It feels to me as if you're having some kind of close relationship with that woman at the office. Can you reassure me?' Would he dismiss your feelings? Would he be angry with you? Would he tell you that you were crazy?

If you felt that his response would be to reassure you, tell you that he could understand why you felt that way, but nothing was going on, and that he would amend his behaviour so that he wouldn't keep upsetting you, you wouldn't be posting here, would you? The problem, even if he isn't having an affair, is that you don't feel that he supports your emotional wellbeing.

Original poster
realisingthetruth · 30/08/2022 11:11

Ive tried talking to him so many times but he doesn’t answer, only thing he does say is he’s getting the job to buy a house. He’s got a very hot temper so i do try to avoid anything that might rock the boat. I love him dearly and over the last 2 years i’ve lost 3 very close family members. Ive tried to be as normal as possible but it’s so bloody hard and i just try to get on with things especially with the kids. I think he’s found it hard with me grieving even though i make out i’m not and he complains sex 1 or 2 times a week isn’t enough so i know it stems to that. I feel like i’m the cause of this in a lot of ways because of just trying to cope and not opening up. So that’s why i have came here if that’s ok

OP posts:
5128gap · 30/08/2022 11:34

Given she's so much younger and he doesn't sound like any woman's dream, I'd be surprised if it's an affair. I'd think its far more likely he's besotted with her and making a fool of himself. His moods swings will be related to whether she has given him any crumb of attention or not.
Your update paints a picture of a very unpleasant man, and this to me would probably be the catalyst I needed to seriously consider leaving.

PiecesofFive · 30/08/2022 11:44

They all do this when they want to do exactly what they want.

The excuses for his behaviour are being firmly planted at your door, moaning about lack of sex, aggression if you try to talk of your feelings, the destabalising of you through his moods, walking on eggshells, your depression through grief.

I'm sure you've been nothing but helpful towards him and he's taking that for granted, you obviously work for him in some capacity, paid/unpaid.
He now appears to be witholding financial information from you, so you are allowed to do the dogs body work but are not privi to the big stuf any more.
No wonder you feel unsafe.

I think you know it's time to confront this, he needs bringing back down to reality and that will involve withdrawing your services as a wife and secretary until he can reasure you that his behaviour is innocent.

PiecesofFive · 30/08/2022 11:50

So that’s why i have came here if that’s ok

Of course it's ok, we understand, gain strength through us because he sounds like a bully.

I hope your discussions with him go well but just in case do start collating evidence of the new house purchase, your work you do for him and your finances.
He sounds devious and shifty.

Watchkeys · 30/08/2022 11:56

realisingthetruth · 30/08/2022 11:11

Ive tried talking to him so many times but he doesn’t answer, only thing he does say is he’s getting the job to buy a house. He’s got a very hot temper so i do try to avoid anything that might rock the boat. I love him dearly and over the last 2 years i’ve lost 3 very close family members. Ive tried to be as normal as possible but it’s so bloody hard and i just try to get on with things especially with the kids. I think he’s found it hard with me grieving even though i make out i’m not and he complains sex 1 or 2 times a week isn’t enough so i know it stems to that. I feel like i’m the cause of this in a lot of ways because of just trying to cope and not opening up. So that’s why i have came here if that’s ok

Ive tried talking to him so many times but he doesn’t answer

So you have to put your own feelings to one side.

He’s got a very hot temper so i do try to avoid anything that might rock the boat

So you have to put your own feelings to one side.

Ive tried to be as normal as possible

So you have to put your own feelings to one side.

I think he’s found it hard with me grieving

So you have to put your own feelings to one side.

he complains sex 1 or 2 times a week isn’t enough

So you have to put your own feelings to one side.

I feel like i’m the cause of this in a lot of ways

So you have to put your own feelings to one side.

So that’s why i have came here if that’s ok

I hope you're not feeling defensive. Your update paints a picture of a man who doesn't give a crap about your feelings. You need to start giving a crap about your feelings. You need to stop putting your feelings to one side. You need to start respecting you. He is treating you horribly and you feel that the blame for the way he treats you lies in faults in yourself: it doesn't. He is to blame for the way that he treats you. You, however, are responsible for making sure you don't keep getting treated like this going forwards.

GalactatingGoddess · 30/08/2022 11:58

OP, I think I would also be suspicious in your position. There are too many red flags. At the very least he fancies her and doesn't want her knowing about his wife, at the worst he's already having an affair.

I would also start to gather my evidence, get back to work full time (child care allowing?) and start putting money aside.

Have you got people you can turn to if stuff blows up? How old are the kids? You've mentioned he has a hot temper and that you have to tread carefully around him, that's not good even as an aside to all of the other issues.

Take advice from : Womens Aid, Citizens Advice, Refuge National Domestic violence charity

HouseofArchitect · 30/08/2022 12:06

Doesn't sound good.

I've accidentally video called people on Snapchat and WhatsApp (friends) while texting and lying down in bed. So embarrassing

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/08/2022 12:14

@Watchkeys is absolutely spot on - the million ways you need to set your own feelings aside isn’t ok in a marriage. He should be concerned about you and your needs, and taking responsibility for his own behaviour.

Choconut · 30/08/2022 12:17

He sounds awful. Stop suggesting you do things for him and just do it instead. Email the woman and breezily introduce yourself as he wife. Pop into the office to deliver something or just drop him some lunch or something he's forgotten.

He obviously doesn't want her to know you exist because he wants to pretend he's single and shag her. I've been in the same position and this is exactly what it was. Start getting your ducks in a row is my advice.

Original poster
realisingthetruth · 30/08/2022 13:28

honestly thank you all so much. I’m at my lowest already with losing the closest people to me in my family and i thought he was going to be all the support i needed along with my amazing children. But it went back to normal very quickly. All these answers have just made me realise more i’m not going mad and it’s not just me making things seem worse then they seem. Honestly thank you all again

OP posts:
Username3008 · 30/08/2022 23:21

Regardless of whether or not he is having an affair with her, this behaviour is simply unacceptable. Being unable to pick up your poorly daughter, yet completely able to drop everything for the girl in the office is awful. And the fact that he has a hot temper so you can't approach him about it is just a huge red flag.

I don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship but this isn't healthy at all, and it's no good for your mental health. If you aren't able to talk to him about it, this is the wrong relationship. You should never be afraid to discuss things like this with a partner in fear of them getting angry.

CatsandFish · 31/08/2022 07:03

Text your OP to your husband, as an "I saw this on a messageboard thing" and ask him what he thinks about it. Watch for his reaction.

Original poster
realisingthetruth · 31/08/2022 10:07

I’m going to go to his office today, I know he’s due to pick stuff up from there as she called last night and ofcourse he didn’t put his call on loud speaker and went to walk out the room. I looked at him and i think he realised i’m on to him so it was the briefest conversation with her ever. Said to him why don’t you ever put her calls on loud speaker and he said he does … obviously just when i’m not around.

Im sick and very tired of playing detective now 😞

OP posts:
Ohahjustalittlebit · 31/08/2022 10:34

Do go to his office. Assert yourself and do not let him think he is pulling the wool over your eyes. Look her in the eye when you talk to her too. Best of luck.

LuckyLinda3 · 31/08/2022 10:40

@Watchkeys your perspective always astounds me, you are so clear and concise in your thinking. I wish we could all see things so clearly.

Borntobeamum · 31/08/2022 10:41

Time to ‘Rock the boat’.

Watchkeys · 31/08/2022 10:41

If you aren't able to talk to him about it, this is the wrong relationship

Exactly, @Username3008 All these PPs suggesting 'go to his office, watch for his reaction, look her in the eye' etc are suggesting you play games, OP.

If you can't talk to your husband when you feel insecure, then it doesn't matter if he's having an affair or not: you have a husband who doesn't care about whether you feel ok or not, so you need to respect your own feelings, where he does not, and remove yourself from the relationship.

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