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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Love languages - my husbands is spending time with his family ?!?

35 replies

petra12 · 30/08/2022 01:46

Hi all
My husband and I are having therapy, we have quite a few issues we are working through and struggled with miscarriage this year.
We are having therapy. He is exceptionally close to his family. The therapist talked about the 5 love languages (us how you feel loved - quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch and receiving gifts)

The therapist asked how he feels loved he said two things;
When I cook for him (act of service)
When we spend time together with his family (not sure this one relates to one of the 5 love languages)
The therapist related the latter point back to his love of his family and strong connection to them but couldn't categorise it in one of the 5 love languages.

Separately This is a bit of a recurring issue in our marriage though as there is pressure to spend lots of time with them / go to their holiday home / late nights with them / spend new year with them etc. they are nice people but I find it very... intense! I'm much more introverted and I struggle with all the social interactions especially after two miscarriages. I feel I married him not his family.

anyhow on reflection I was rather annoyed at those being his answers to the question how he feels loved. AIBU? Is it a sweet answer really? I know the strong family values are lovely in this day and age but My head feels so confused.

My answer was I feel love when we spend quality time together (go for walks / read together / play a board game etc) and also words of affirmation (when he tells me loves me / I'm beautiful etc) probably fairly common ones.

I just felt so disappointed by his answers if that's the best he can think of it doesn't sound great. To clarify our marriage is going through a pretty tough patch. Please can you share your thoughts? Thank you

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 30/08/2022 02:08

He seems too see you as an extension of himself so you spending time with him isn't enough, it needs to include his family. Yanbu.

It all does sound intensely suffocating and he is enmeshed with his family. Are you allowed a say in how much time you spend you both spend with his family?

I'm sorry about your miscarriages. One thing to consider with future dc is where is the space for you all to grow as a family unit away from in laws?

I think I would be getting counselling on my own to work through my feelings.

Original poster
petra12 · 30/08/2022 02:11

@Takenoprisoner thank you I appreciate your comment.

I think it seems sensible also. There's so much other stuff going on this is just one thing.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 30/08/2022 02:17

I too feel that you need counseling on your own to clarify your feelings and determine what YOU want for yourself. I get the impression, from what you are saying, that he doesn't seem very invested in the relationship.

Takenoprisoner · 30/08/2022 02:20

I would also pull back from his family and cut down on the amount of time spent with them, I'd feel like I was losing myself in this intense family dynamics.

Original poster
petra12 · 30/08/2022 02:31

@Takenoprisoner I'll be honest I am on holiday with them at the moment - I am so drained by it all. We having lots of difficulties in a house with the thinnest walls. It's one of his big family gatherings and your comment hit the nail in the head I feel like I've lost myself -

OP posts:
luci3lou · 30/08/2022 02:33

@FlowerArranger thank you for your comment

I think he is invested but in a way that suits him kind of way.

I know I've been a shell of myself because of the miscarriages and one is still ongoing

luci3lou · 30/08/2022 02:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

FlowerArranger · 30/08/2022 02:41

Name change fail...

It seems thar his primary interest is in your compliance with what he wants and what you can do for him - rather than being interested in you as a person or having an emotional connection with you. The relationship seems very barren and you sound quite lonely, and alone.

Original poster
petra12 · 30/08/2022 03:01

Thank you - I will think about that.
Interested to know if anyone has any other views?

OP posts:
Namenic · 30/08/2022 05:18

I’m kinda similar to your husband. I am from a different culture and it’s also kind of a duty to see and spend time with family (but I also enjoy it in general). My love language is acts of service (and particularly around family stuff). I also see and spend time with his family too and think it is important (sometimes I wonder why he doesn’t do it more).

aside from abusive families - I find it weird that people have hobbies but not really spend much time with their families. To me it seems like the interest is more important than people. I think it can contribute to older people getting lonely.

I do say to my husband that if he can’t cope with the amount - he can stay at home and not join for some of it (I let him know the important occasions). I have also scaled back some things (that I would have liked to do) - because he finds it hard. So I think there is a compromise. It does make it a bit easier having a larger family - so even if 1 sibling can’t make it, another might be able to; and sometimes I take my kids over there and then come back and spend time with DH (they do lots of childcare for us - which is a massive help).

Namenic · 30/08/2022 05:22

I’m really sorry OP about your miscarriages and if DH had something similar and needed to recover, we would definitely spend some time with just us to do this. Maybe you can talk to him to help him understand what impact they are having on you.

SaltySeaBird · 30/08/2022 05:33

Spending time with his family is an act of service for you.

I wouldn’t like that either.

Starship951 · 30/08/2022 05:39

If his love language is acts of service, then how does he show he loves you? I would assume he does things for you too? Cooks for you, brings you tea, spends time with you doing what you want.
Does he?

SudocremOnEverything · 30/08/2022 06:06

Starship951 · 30/08/2022 05:39

If his love language is acts of service, then how does he show he loves you? I would assume he does things for you too? Cooks for you, brings you tea, spends time with you doing what you want.
Does he?

This is my question too. Is it receiving acts of service that makes him feel loved, or does he also show love by doing things for you?

i am a cynic, but this stuff very often seems to only go one way.

Stayingstrongish · 30/08/2022 06:42

My ex husband also wanted to spend loads of time with his family. I like them but still it got a bit much. When he left I realised I was quite enjoying not having to spend every weekend with them and it was a bit of a relief to do other things. If it doesn’t work out with your husband, you might feel similar!

While it’s great that he cares about his family, how does he show that he cares about you?

KangarooKenny · 30/08/2022 06:47

I agree that it’s all about you doing for him, cooking and seeing his family.
It sounds a bit claustrophobic, and I’d be concerned at how much you’d have to see his family if you had a child together.
‘I do wonder if, needing counselling at such an early part of your relationship, means it’s doomed to fail but you’re desperately trying to hold it together.
You should do what you want, not what you have to do.

Shayisgreat · 30/08/2022 06:59

I am going through the same thing as well OP. My husband's love language is also acts of service and so I choose to see me spending time with his family as an act of service to him.

I find the dynamics of his family really difficult to understand as they're in each other's pockets and are always chatting but there doesn't seem to be much substance to what they are saying to each other. It's small talk about the weather and food and I'm honestly never so bored as when I'm spending all fucking day with them.

I have started to say no to holidays together and spending every second weekend with them. It is good for my mental health and emotional wellbeing but it is creating a gap in my marriage and I truly resent my husband for choosing to prioritise spending time with the family he comes from over investing in the family he has created.

I go to therapy alone and it has taken me about a year to get to the point of feeling ok to not agree
to every suggestion that we spend time with his family......again.

I guess my advice is to take a stance about how much you will tolerate and where your boundary is and if he is not willing to budge then you can understand where you come on his list of priorities.

Original poster
petra12 · 30/08/2022 10:30

Thank you @Namenic
I appreciate your views.
I agree that in an ideal world you get to spend lots of time with both of your families.
In reality we both have stressful jobs, time is very limited and spending time with his family depletes me it doesn't rejuvenate me, especially when I am going through a miscarriage. His family live a lot closer than mine so we spend way more time with his family - we've been on two holidays this year alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
petra12 · 30/08/2022 10:32

@Namenic I do tell him explicitly what I need and that I find it difficult.

To give you an example that I just need 5 minutes at the end of a very long evening with his extended family, to reset with him when I go up to bed at midnight he stays there for longer - he doesn't give me that and say good night. It's very difficult.

OP posts:
luci3lou · 30/08/2022 10:37

@Starship951 @SudocremOnEverything
My love language is quality time.
He does try with quality time but I think your right in that he does things like make me a cup of tea in the morning - it's only act of service that are consistent. He struggled to give me quality time.

KILM · 30/08/2022 10:40

Did the therapist make you do a quiz for love language or did they just ask how you feel loved as i'd recommend doing one of the quizzes to be honest, might give you a broader view?

Original poster
petra12 · 30/08/2022 10:40

@Shayisgreat thanks I appreciate your comment. It sounds like you have a better balance fore you but I can imagine this would create a gap. Do you spend much time with your family is you don't kind me asking?

I wish you and your husband all the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
petra12 · 30/08/2022 10:41

@KILM we did the quizzes when we first got engaged but we need to do it again - so we were just trying to remember and coming up with things on the spot

OP posts:
Shayisgreat · 30/08/2022 10:43

@Petra12 my family lives abroad so we spend very little time with them. I travel to see them and DH occasionally joins.

Drinkingpop · 30/08/2022 10:48

The love languages thing sounds like a red herring to me. No-one's love language is 'having my needs disregarded' which is what your DH is doing to you.

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