Love languages - my husbands is spending time with his family ?!?

[petra12]

Hi all
My husband and I are having therapy, we have quite a few issues we are working through and struggled with miscarriage this year.
We are having therapy. He is exceptionally close to his family. The therapist talked about the 5 love languages (us how you feel loved - quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch and receiving gifts)

The therapist asked how he feels loved he said two things;
When I cook for him (act of service)
When we spend time together with his family (not sure this one relates to one of the 5 love languages)
The therapist related the latter point back to his love of his family and strong connection to them but couldn't categorise it in one of the 5 love languages.

Separately This is a bit of a recurring issue in our marriage though as there is pressure to spend lots of time with them / go to their holiday home / late nights with them / spend new year with them etc. they are nice people but I find it very... intense! I'm much more introverted and I struggle with all the social interactions especially after two miscarriages. I feel I married him not his family.

anyhow on reflection I was rather annoyed at those being his answers to the question how he feels loved. AIBU? Is it a sweet answer really? I know the strong family values are lovely in this day and age but My head feels so confused.

My answer was I feel love when we spend quality time together (go for walks / read together / play a board game etc) and also words of affirmation (when he tells me loves me / I'm beautiful etc) probably fairly common ones.

I just felt so disappointed by his answers if that's the best he can think of it doesn't sound great. To clarify our marriage is going through a pretty tough patch. Please can you share your thoughts? Thank you

I would read a lot more about enmeshed families re your H rather than love languages (which I also think is a red herring here). If he is as enmeshed with his family as I think he is, your own future within that is pretty much bleak.

What sort of therapist are you seeing here?.

Has this person made any reference to enmeshed families?.

I think it's lovely that he is close to his family. Our society is very individualistic and being close to your family of origin is generally frowned upon (talk about "being enmeshed") when some people thrive on it. It sounds like your DH is one of those people and that's fine. However, I don't understand why you have to join in every time. Being married doesn't mean you have to do everything together, even the things you don't enjoy. Maybe your DH takes it personally if you don't want to see his family, as if you are actually saying you don't want to see him. That's something he should work on, it's not something you can solve.

Every time I read anything about 'love languages' it seems to just be a term used to legitimise or justify being self-indulgent and wanting things your own way. I think the whole concept is bollocks tbh.

To me it sounds like you two are not very compatible, and if you stay together the long term - there will have to be a lot of compromising, and it will end up making one of you resentful of the other.
As you don’t yet have children - I’d seriously consider if this is a relationship I want to stay in.

However, I’d also add that it is unfair of you to ‘be disappointed’ in what your H said about his love language.
You have a right to want to be loved in a certain way. He has the same right. Each of you needs to respect the other’s needs.

There are some differences in love languages that you can compromise and work around. But you, essentially wanting the family to just include him and you, with occasional arms length interactions with the rest of his family VS him seeing his family as a large close not group of people (him&you, his parents, siblings, etc) - is not easy to make work in the long term.
You can of course negotiate and stay away for a lot of it now. But - what would happen if you have children? He’ll certainly want them included in the big family - while you’ll
want them with you. Kids will be pulled in two different directions and it won’t be easy or good for anyone.

So, unfortunately, I don’t think there is a solution in this situation that will make you and your H happy.

I'm really sorry about the MCs OP, that must be so difficult for you, especially as you're away with his family at present.

While it's good to be close to your family, it's a red flag if one person is totally enmeshed.

How are the ILs generally? Are they overbearing and/or controlling? If they are then consider what it will be like if you have children and have to spend so much time with them.

As DrinkingPop wrote earlier, "No-one's love language is 'having my needs disregarded'.

UsernameisCopied

There are real differences between close and enmeshment.

In healthy family relationships closeness does not mean sacrificing identity or self-esteem for the sake of the family as seen with enmeshment.

In an enmeshed family, members are made to feel guilty if they don't visit enough, call enough, or if they miss family events. By contrast, in a healthy family, such members may receive some complaints or some teasing, but they are not made to feel guilty.

Another type of dysfunctional behavior that is observed in enmeshed families is that alliances within the family are constantly being formed, broken, and re-formed, mostly because family members are expected to choose sides on every issue.

People who grow up in enmeshed families often have a hard time developing healthy relationships with others. For instance, they may be overly guarded in relationships with others because they fear that opening up and sharing their lives with another person will be draining.

Attila

In fairness - OP isn’t describing her H’s family as enmeshed or dysfunctional.
It is simply her preference to be more introverted and not spend too much time with them as she ‘married him, not his family’
While he feels close to them and wants the opposite.

I agree - no one’s love language should trump someone’s needs. it applies to both. And in this case the needs the two people have aren’t quite reconcilable.

Families differ. Some are closer than others and it’s not necessarily a disruption.
My H’s family is like the family OP describes. They are very close. There is a lot of good in it actually and the kids and new generation are also feeling it.
I am more like OP.
In my case it so happened that we don’t live in the same county with the rest of them. So I only have to deal with it occasionally.
So - that works. Otherwise - it couldn’t.