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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you be put off by this lack of effort?

78 replies

birthdaygirl29 · 30/08/2022 00:58

Looking for some honest opinions and I've name changed.

Been casually talking to/seeing a guy for 3 months. We are exclusive but due to each of us having DC/unsociable work patterns/busy social lives have actually only met up around 7 times, one of which was an amazing weekend away.

Anyway, yesterday was my birthday and I saw it in with a large group of people at a party including him. He wished me happy birthday at the time, and again when we left at the end of the night. I didn't hear from him until late afternoon of my birthday, a very brief how's your birthday text. That's it, no card, nothing.
I didn't expect any grand gestures whatsoever, but I did think he'd at least get me a birthday card. Or at the very least send a message in the morning wishing me a nice day.

I'm not someone who wishes to be showered by gifts or spoilt by a man, but my instinct is to run from this one. I think it's insensitive and odd behaviour. I don't think he's tight with money as he paid for the weekend away without hesitation a couple of months back. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Starseeking · 01/09/2022 05:36

*It's worth bearing in mind

CrustyCrotch · 01/09/2022 05:41

I'd be more put off by the "mashed head" comment, because that seems to be a golden ticket for behaving like an arse.

Teeturtle · 01/09/2022 06:01

I was on the fence after the first post, but with the updates, it seems to me like you are wasting your time. I don’t think he even sees you as being in a relationship. You have said he makes little effort to see you, he doesn’t register it is your birthday even when you told him the day before and then he comes up with that “mashed up” excuse. I think that is the decider. A convenient way of being non committal but keeping you dangling. Don’t let him.

GerardIsTheBest · 01/09/2022 06:02

Does "mashed head" perchance mean "I can't work out how I'm going to string you along enough to get benefits from you without being asked for reciprocity or commitment"?

EmmaH2022 · 01/09/2022 06:14

GerardIsTheBest · 01/09/2022 06:02

Does "mashed head" perchance mean "I can't work out how I'm going to string you along enough to get benefits from you without being asked for reciprocity or commitment"?

I think so.

no more dates OP, you're just extending the unhappiness. Sorry.

Original poster

birthdaygirl29 · 01/09/2022 09:43

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

Ha ha no worries I always do that 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

birthdaygirl29 · 01/09/2022 09:46

Thanks all.
It wasn't a party for my birthday just a bank holiday street party.
Yeah the mashed up head comment has really wound me up I'll be honest. He's been single for 5 years and doesn't know if he wants a relationship....I do know what I need to do to protect myself from further hurt.

I keep getting flashes of anger and thinking I am worth so much more than this. Then next minute I feel really sad as I was thinking we could be good together.

OP posts:

EmmaH2022 · 01/09/2022 11:41

OP I'd get it over with today.

I think it's a shame your friends suggested more dates, but I have learned that people just always defer to "you must have a relationship". It's mad.

forgotoldusername · 01/09/2022 11:45

OP, a relationship is supposed to make us feel good. Do you feel good? No you feel now on tenterhooks and want to give him another chance. Why? There's so many men out there, your "job" is to sift through them and find the perfect one for you.

This one is not it - taking you for granted and so so low effort. Of course he's going to sleep with you and of course he'll suggest a coffee/drink: big deal, that's NOT effort.

Listen to the sisterhood here. We just want to help you see clearly which is more difficult when you are in a relationship.

6coffeesbefore9am · 01/09/2022 12:05

5 years alone and 3 months with you and he doesn't know what he wants?!

Yes he does. He wants to see someone casually, on his terms, have sex, enjoy company at times but have no further commitment.

Throw him back. He's no good.

StartupRepair · 01/09/2022 12:12

I do think some people are much more casual about birthdays than others. I would go on a couple more dates.

MMmomDD · 01/09/2022 13:10

@birthdaygirl29
I think a few things are going on here.
First of all - despite 3 months of dating - in reality you are in very very early days, as you only have seen each other 7 times.
So - I think it’s too early for expectations, and drama over Bday cards.
It was a street party. Even if he knew it was your bday - no one shows up to a street party with chocolates and flowers, with kids who don’t yet know you are dating.

Secondly - I do think he may be rusty at relationships and all the effort one needs to put in. Normally - even men who aren’t really into it - end up realising women expect a certain degree of fuss over their bdays. He clearly hasn’t done it in a while.
BUT - he has paid for a nice weekend away,
and early in a relationship. I do think that speaks a lot more than this issue with forgetting about the bday.

Finally - OP, with respect, you so seem to have expectations that are also based on how you are and how things used to be with your Ex. He and you made a big deal about it, but not everyone is like this.
Also - expecting him to rush over with chocolates because you are upset. I am sorry, it’s a bit immature. He has kids, it’s all early days. It doesn’t have to be dramatic.
He told you he is sorry and he wants to get
to know each other better. He doesn’t need to be expressing it all with chocolates/flowers, it’s not a movie.
At the early stage of relationship - this is good. And as much as you can reasonably expect. Unless you have romantic fantasises of being wooed with flowers, gifts, etc - and that is what is important to you. Then he is definitely not the right person.

burnoutbabe · 01/09/2022 13:15

Surely he wished you happy birthday at midnight when your friend mentioned it?

firstmummy2019 · 01/09/2022 13:50

Wait! So he hosted the your birthday at the end of the night? Got in food? Prepared it? Hosted? Is this not your birthday gift to you?

EmmaH2022 · 01/09/2022 13:52

firstmummy2019 · 01/09/2022 13:50

Wait! So he hosted the your birthday at the end of the night? Got in food? Prepared it? Hosted? Is this not your birthday gift to you?

Where did you get that info?!

Original poster

birthdaygirl29 · 01/09/2022 14:06

burnoutbabe · 01/09/2022 13:15

Surely he wished you happy birthday at midnight when your friend mentioned it?

Yeah he said happy birthday, and again when I left. That was his efforts.

OP posts:

Original poster

birthdaygirl29 · 01/09/2022 14:09

No he hosted the last house of a line in a street party, it wasn't for me.

@MMmomDD thank you for your reply, in all honesty a couple of my closest family members have said exactly what you have. They told me in the nicest possible way that I can be a bit of a princess regarding my birthday and that I was extremely spoiled by my exH. And whenever I was upset he would grovel to me.

I haven't told him it's over yet. He has been messaging me last night and today with jokey memes, suggestions of tv shows, things he think my DD may like. All very random things, he's clearly not going to ask how I'm feeling today!!

OP posts:

firstmummy2019 · 01/09/2022 14:26

birthdaygirl29 · 30/08/2022 10:20

I messaged him back last night to say I'd had a lovely day being spoilt by family and friends. Maybe that was a bit childish but I thought it got the point across. He replied that he was was glad I'd had a nice day.

@Trying20 I do think you're totally right, he wouldn't have intentionally hurt me and he is probably wondering what he's done as it's very obvious I'm not happy.

We were all actually at his place for the end of the street party when it turned midnight so maybe he thinks by hosting the end of the night at his was enough. He was knackered after preparing the place, sorting food and drink etc. I don't know, I think I'm grappling around for excuses for him.

At the bottom of this quote it mentions he hosted.

firstmummy2019 · 01/09/2022 14:27

birthdaygirl29 · 01/09/2022 14:09

No he hosted the last house of a line in a street party, it wasn't for me.

Oh I see. The hosting wasn't to do with your birthday.

MMmomDD · 01/09/2022 14:31

@birthdaygirl29

If you have heard it from people who actually know you Vs some stranger on internet who is only going with a few posts - there maybe something in it?
And I don’t think it’s only about bdays, tbh.
I don’t think it’s normal to expect the other person in a relationship to ‘grovel’ on a regular basis.

Are you sure You are ready for a relationship? Why did your marriage broke down - as it seems that your ExH had a lot of qualities you need in a relationship?

LBFseBrom · 01/09/2022 14:33

I think he could have bought you a card and a small present, eg flowers or even some perfume or a meal out, just the two of you.

There's no doubt some men are not good at this. Maybe he will make up for it. If you continue the relationship and it is working, I would just mention you were a bit hurt that he didn't buy you a card and at least flowers. There's not much else you can do and must remember the relationship is still new. I hope you at least had a good time.

Starseeking · 01/09/2022 20:48

birthdaygirl29 · 01/09/2022 09:46

I keep getting flashes of anger and thinking I am worth so much more than this. Then next minute I feel really sad as I was thinking we could be good together.

If he's told you that he is not sure whether he wants a relationship, and you know that you do want a relationship, that suggests you are incompatible at a basic level, as you want different things.

Move on to someone who is more definite about wanting to be with you; this one sounds like he is hedging his bets.

Leomii81 · 01/09/2022 21:35

Sound's like he's keeping his option's open

DragonflyNights · 01/09/2022 21:50

Seems to me like he’s not ready to want to be in a relationship with you. Not getting you a birthday card or small gift etc and ‘forgetting’ plus the sorry but jokey texts and saying his head is ‘mashed’ and he wants to go on some more dates….

He is keeping his options open and doesn’t want to do anything ‘boyfriendy’.

You can keep seeing him and see if it grows into something more on his side but he sounds like the avoidant type generally.

minticecreamisjustok · 01/09/2022 21:53

I wouldn't expect gifts from a man I was casually seeing, i think that's more of a bf/gf thing. I wouldn't waste time with man who didn't know if he wanted a relationship, if that's what you want then don't expect any less or
See it for what is it, someone to casually date without expectations or dump him and look for a man more into you.

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