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Original poster

Would you be put off by this lack of effort?

78 replies

birthdaygirl29 · 30/08/2022 00:58

Looking for some honest opinions and I've name changed.

Been casually talking to/seeing a guy for 3 months. We are exclusive but due to each of us having DC/unsociable work patterns/busy social lives have actually only met up around 7 times, one of which was an amazing weekend away.

Anyway, yesterday was my birthday and I saw it in with a large group of people at a party including him. He wished me happy birthday at the time, and again when we left at the end of the night. I didn't hear from him until late afternoon of my birthday, a very brief how's your birthday text. That's it, no card, nothing.
I didn't expect any grand gestures whatsoever, but I did think he'd at least get me a birthday card. Or at the very least send a message in the morning wishing me a nice day.

I'm not someone who wishes to be showered by gifts or spoilt by a man, but my instinct is to run from this one. I think it's insensitive and odd behaviour. I don't think he's tight with money as he paid for the weekend away without hesitation a couple of months back. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
birthdaygirl29 · 30/08/2022 10:45

Yes exactly, just a phone call or a quick message! What's worse is I was staying at my friends house 5 doors away from him, he could have even popped to say happy birthday in person. I would have been over the moon with that, no money needed to be spent.
He's told me since we met how he's become selfish, I guess I should have listened.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/08/2022 10:50

OP

If he was really into you, he would have made some effort.

You know this.
Listen to your gut.

I really wouldn't make a drama of it, I would just tell him it's not working for you.

Don't end up getting hurt worse than you are.

Sorry!

0live · 30/08/2022 10:52

forgotoldusername · 30/08/2022 05:15

To me, that says a lot. I would end it now and find someone who does make an effort . Sorry OP

This.

Im not someone who bothers with Eid or Hanukkah, but I know people who do so I’d send cards/ gifts / food / messages, whatever is appropriate.

Im fed up heating this shit on MN about how “ men don’t really get birthdays”. I think you’ll find that most still want all the stops pulled out on their own, they just CBA to do anyone else’s.

FinallyHere · 30/08/2022 12:01

I messaged him back last night to say I'd had a lovely day being spoilt by family and friends. Maybe that was a bit childish but I thought it got the point across. He replied that he was was glad I'd had a nice day.

There are no absolutes on things like this. Its about how you fit together and what kind of accommodations you are each prepared to make for each other.

In my world it's about being upfront and saying 'I love getting birthday cards, it makes me fell really loved and appreciated. How do you feel about marking my birthday if we are still together next year'

That's what would work for me. I would know what he replied and I would see what happened if we were around next year.

The fact is that I don't really feel strongly about getting cards. I like people to arrange to meet up for my birthday. I have a general 'no presents that need dusting'. I don't like having to guess what other people like and am happy to be clear about my own expectations.

Lots of friends humour me, but definitely don't feel like that themselves where being able to guess what they want is a big sign that they are loved and esteemed . DH is very soppy when it comes to surprises and cards. Me ... not so much.

Original poster
birthdaygirl29 · 31/08/2022 15:03

So we spoke on the phone this morning. I was honest and told him I would have expected a call or message earlier in the day at the very least. He said he didn't know it was my birthday until my friend shouted "it's midnight, happy birthday".

I had told him 2 weeks previously when my birthday was, and we'd also spoken about it the night before!! He claims he can't remember that conversation but said he was sorry.

This conversation led me to telling him that I think I feel more for him than he me, and it's a bit one sided. He said his head is mashed (?!) and doesn't really know what he wants, but thinks we should make the effort to go on some more dates and get to know each other more.

I am really, really upset and torn about what to do. I want to see what happens over the next couple of dates but then I also feel I should tell him it's not going to work for me ☹️.

OP posts:
velvetvixen · 31/08/2022 15:29

Well, he told you he is selfish!

He seems to regard you as a casual FWB.

billy1966 · 31/08/2022 15:34

Oh please, he couldn't remember being told the night before.

He's not that into you.

Accept and move on.

Drag it on and feel bad about yourself.

It really is that simple.

Darkness22 · 31/08/2022 15:43

Doesn't really know what he wants

Not good enough! Leave this one.

forgotoldusername · 31/08/2022 17:17

Dump him, find someone who remembers your birthday. I am so surprised at how much men remember when they are interested

vdbfamily · 31/08/2022 17:27

I don't think this will change so if birthdays are important to you then this will always be a niggle. I have accepted my DH and his family were not really into birthdays and I can't get too worked up about it. He is often away with work for kids birthdays and was on a 2 day conference for his own 50th. He had not noticed but it is a conference he goes to every year so would not have cancelled even if he had noticed.
We are very laid back at Christmas too and just get a few little things like chocolates and a book or something. We spend more on the 3 kids. It is either important or not.

layladomino · 31/08/2022 17:49

His excuses make it worse!

Even if he'd forgotten your birthday (after being told 2 weeks earlier, and the night before!) - that shows that he didn't hold any importance to it of itself, PLUS he knew at midnight it was your birthday but still decided not to mention it on the day until a text at 4pm. So his excuse doesn't even work - what made him decide on the day not to wish you a happy birthday? He could have bought a card or flowers or chocolates that day. He could have called in the morning. He could have messaged you. He chose not to even do that until 4pm.

It reads as though he's going out of his way to show you he isn't that bothered.

Or he is simply selfish as he's said.

vdbfamily · 31/08/2022 17:58

Layla...I think it was midnight at end of birthday day, as party was ending!

Original poster
birthdaygirl29 · 31/08/2022 19:35

It was midnight at the very start of my birthday - I hadn't actually even thought of this after our conversation this morning. Yes, of course he could have made up for it on my birthday day as he had plenty of time to do so.

I know it is glaringly obvious and if I was reading this written by someone else I'd be thinking chuck him!!

I need to stop my heart from telling me to give it a chance and see how the next couple of dates go....as a previous reply mentioned it will likely just drag on and cause more bad feeling.

OP posts:
Trying20 · 31/08/2022 21:54

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RelentlessForwardProgress · 31/08/2022 22:05

When I read your OP I thought yes, I would be put off by the lack of effort....
Then I read your update and honestly it just made him sound so much worse. His head is mashed up and he doesn't know what he wants?
He knows you were upset but has done nothing to remedy since?
You deserve better than this.

Original poster
birthdaygirl29 · 31/08/2022 23:34

Thanks for your replies, yes I do think after speaking to him today the situation is worse.

I've spoken to some close family and friends about it today and they feel that although it's a poor show about my birthday, that I should give it another couple of dates and then reassess.

A little part of me did expect him to turn up with a small bunch of flowers or something tonight, silly me!

OP posts:
Equallength · 31/08/2022 23:40

Bin him.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/09/2022 00:33

Aprilx · 30/08/2022 08:11

I don’t buy cards any more, I thought they had gone out of fashion really. I don’t really know what to make of this one, you have only seen each other seven times, it wouldn’t really seem like a relationship to me.

Gone out of fashion? Ever walked past Paperchase?

Culldesack · 01/09/2022 00:52

I recently started dating a bloke for over a week. His tightness put me off. I agree with pp who said trust your instincts. It won't get any better.

Monty27 · 01/09/2022 02:44

There's only one person in this relationship. Bin him off.
Belated birthday greetings 💐

Trying20 · 01/09/2022 02:50

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Trying20 · 01/09/2022 02:51

This reply has been withdrawn

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sausage767 · 01/09/2022 03:15

He came to your party and didn’t even give you a card let alone a gift? Poor effort. Any friend I see in person on their birthday I’d give them at least a small gift.

alliwantissleeeep · 01/09/2022 05:02

You're 3 months in - he's done nothing for your birthday AND he's told you his head is mashed and he doesn't know what he wants ...... this would end it for me.

It feels like you're already getting mixed messages from his inconsistency.
You don't have to continue to 'see if it gets better' etc which I think so many of us do.

When people show you who they are - believe them.

Starseeking · 01/09/2022 05:35

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like he's either not bothered enough to make an effort, or just not that into you.

My EXDP didn't make any effort on birthdays. The very first I was with him he took me out for a meal and got me a present as he knew I would like being spoilt (we'd been together 6 months by then). By the second Christmas, so 2 years into the relationship, he was rushing out on Christmas Eve buying cut-price M&S fluffy bathrobes with Minnie Mouse printed in for £10.

In these situations it's not the amount of money spent, it's the lack of thought and care shown towards you, especially as you had discussed it. A card and a bunch of flowers/box of chocolates would have brought you so much joy! It's worth hearing in mind that if they're like this at the start, it only gets worse as the relationship progresses.