Friendship break-up

[Thisiscrazyshite]

Bit of background, myself and my friend are friends about 15 years. We are both well in our 40’s, married with a few kids each. So we’ve both been around the block, friendship wise.
We had big falling out recently, one I don’t think we can come back from. Things were said that can’t be taken back. She said some hurtful things, was very intimidating and I felt backed into a corner. The conversation ended with no resolution.
I was hurt at the time but now I’m just plain angry with it all!
How dare she intimidate me like that ! I’m going mad I sat there for 2 hours and let her ! I’m mad that I didn’t just get up and walk away and tell stuff our friendship! She wanted something from me that I have no control over and I can’t give her.
Should I just let things go, accept things are over? Should I try to reach out and salvage what’s there, knowing that things will be strained possibly forever? Do I confront her and let her know her words, demeanour and demands were damn right unacceptable and that her behaviour was bordering on aggressive ?
Im so pissed right now, I probably wouldn’t hold back like I did the other day. Is there anything to be gained by that though ?
Its occupying way too much of my headspace right now and it’s bloody draining me. I mean, how dare she !

Cut her off. 2 hours? Fuck that

What was the fight about ? Does she have form for this kind of thing. V hard to know without more information. I would be v v slow to let go of a 15 year friendship if it has generally been good. People are far too quick to block and move on here yet the first thing someone suggests when someone is in dire straights is to contact friends
I would probably try and sort it out. it won't be the same initially at least but you would be surprised what time can overcome. If she is willing that is to take responsibility for her side of it

@workshy46 what if the other person point blank refuses any fault? That's what I wonder. How do people just let that go? Reason I ask is for a situation I'm in, but I feel very similar to OPs situation.

@workshy46 her friend bullied and intimidated her for 2 hours, friends don't do that. 15 years or not fuck that.

People have relationships longer than that and end them for less. No one has a right to make you feel less than.

I said it was hard to know without context. For me personally if the friendship has generally been good I would try to salvage it if the other person was willing to accept their part in it. If they are not that's another story of course !

People are far too quick to block and move on here yet the first thing someone suggests when someone is in dire straights is to contact friends

So true, I've thought this so many times. Although it does depend on the context of the argument of course, and what exactly was said.

I think sometimes its never the same after. Maybe some space is needed. Hard to know. But not nice from a friend though.

@workshy46 it was about our DC’s. She said some hurtful things about my DC and all that’s happened is that they’ve drifted apart! I’m 100% sure there’s been no bullying behaviour or anything because DC’s still get on and chat when with mutual friends.
That's probably why I feel so hurt, it was aimed at my DC.
Nothing has this has happened before but it has been building. I was feeling awkward around her because I knew she pushing for DC’s to meet up and it wasn’t something I was going to push because they have drifted and have very little in common right now bar a few mutual friends.

@britneyisfree I actually feel she was intimidating me but there isn’t long standing bullying, just maybe an intensity where our DC’s are concerned, if that makes sense?

I hate the thought of ending the friendship but not sure how we can come back from this really ?

@Mary46 thanks, yes, not nice. The DC’s are fine and here are we not talking at the moment. It’ll definitely take time and yes, probably needs space.

@Eslteacher06 sorry you are going through something similar. I have no great advice cos I’m kind of stuck myself. Best of luck.

Let tempers cook and then an honest convo. She how she reacts and if she can gain perspective. Maybe her child is struggling and she sees yours as a lifeline or has been fed lies. Let a little time pass and then revisit. I would see how things go once the intensity has disappeared. Very hard. So sorry.

Thank you OP.

@blisstwins I have calmed down about the incident with me. But I do not want to contact for fear of further nastiness, as that is The Script. They will not accept any fault so where does that leave me? Even if we talked about it, I have still lost some respect for them.

I assume OP is potentially in the same boat.

I would try to have a conversation once things have calmed down. If you did, you're bigger than me! Her reaction will indicate where you take things.

@blisstwins and @Eslteacher06 maybe time will help. I probably need to calm before I see her again. No point me getting as worked up as she did, it’ll solve nothing. I do think she sees my DC as a lifeline but they only each other through us and I feel she think they were best friends. They never where.
Thanks

People tend to lose all perspective when it comes to their kids so i would be inclined to try to work things out based on your update. Its v v hard if your kids are the unpopular/ones that struggle. Its hard to empathize if your kids have never had any issues. The nicest people I know had a similar issue. Their DD was the main friend to their friends child. Their DD had lots of other friends but their friends child didn't so the friendship was a lot more important to them than to their DD. Came to a head when their DD backed right off and they asked them to intervene and they were non plused and were like, "sure what can we do" etc
It really impacted the friendship and they thought they were bonkers until a few years down the road and their DD had major friendship trauma and they were devastated for them seeing them so upset so kind off got it then.
You haven't done anything wrong and I get that kids drift but I do understand that if her child is upset that they are no longer friends and is maybe reliant on this friendship, rightly or wrongly that she maybe loses the plot a bit

Of course most parents take any pain their children go through really personally, but the children were still talking, the friendship had just drifted.

It happens.

Intimidating the other childs parent is simply unacceptable.

OP, I think you should not go near her.
Two hours of anger from her?
Unacceptable.

The children's friendship is what it is, there is no coming back from it.

I would be so wary of anyone that managed to intimidate me.

Complete deal breaker.
Not someone who I would want to be around.

@workshy46 That’s a good perspective. I do feel her DC was more invested than mine. I always had an idea they’d grow apart, not a lot in common and probably would not have gravitated towards each other if their Mums weren’t friends. My friend, on the other hand, doesn’t see it that way and believes my DC is being nasty and unkind….. I know they’re not, it’s a natural process.
I still don’t think I needed to spoken to the way I was. I need time to process it all but I’m sure my friend can’t get past this really. The DC’s will never be friends in the way she wants and that awkwardness will always be there.
I do empathise but I can’t do a whole lot about it and that annoys her. I can’t chose DC’s friends at 15 years of age. It’s a no win situation.

@billy1966 its so bloody hard. Thank you. I’ll definitely take time away from her and figure it out.

It happens at that age without any angst at all.

They drift away from each other.

I see children that were in my house all through primary and stop and chat, all great kids, but mine drifted from them, with no bad feeling.

The idea of their parents intimidating me, or me them, is just so ridiculous.

Unforgivable.

Don't both trying to get over it, with that type of behaviour lurking around, you really do not need it in your life.

No one does.

@billy1966 I’m lying here, unable to sleep ( and I’ve work tomorrow) because I’m so upset and consumed by what has happened. I considered her a close friend, a bit intense about the kids getting together etc but I was able to overlook that. But now it’s gone too far and too much has been said. I go from being sad and upset to angry and annoyed.
It’s a mess.
Thank you for your reply and I know my DC, they’ve been through a tough time this year and doesn’t need this drama on top of it. I haven’t mentioned what has happened to DC obviously as that wouldn’t be fair on either child.

Op Im hurt for you. I agree with another reply people lose all reason when kids involved. I would stay away from her do not engage. My daughter and friend drifted. I still see the mam.

@Thisiscrazyshite I know exactly what you mean. My 'best' friend's son and mine have known each other since they were 3 years old. They are 17 now and have completely drifted apart.

Her son has ASD and struggles to make friends. My friend also tries to get my son to do things with hers, and my son is not unkind, so will give some of his time, but not as much as she wants.

She then makes snide comments about 'all the teenagers at my house, and how annoying it must be', even though I've told her every single time that we don't mind my son's friends coming round. I know it's coming from a place of hurt (jealousy) but it also hurts my feelings. It's so difficult. I just bite my tongue.

Unfortunately even though her hurt is her own business, and not the result of any malice, she has decided to bully and intimidate you.

She is not who you thought she was and that is the real truth here.

On the back of this behaviour I would not want her near my family and I would not want my son at her house.

Good people do not behave like this.

Your son has done nothing wrong.
Friendships evolve and move on.

One of my daughters oldest friends has moved on.
She is interested in more grown up things and my daughter isn't there yet.

This happened two years ago.

I am very fond of her mother.

We have never mentioned it and haven't really seen each other since.

We ran into each other lately, completely by chance and were full of questions about the others daughter, remembering the old days and how sweet they were together.

I would no more dream of embarrassing her or myself by referring to it.

Friendships move on.
It is a fact of life.

Your son has done nothing wrong.
He does not exist to fulfil her needs.

She is a complete CF in thinking that.

I hope you feel better soon.

@Mary46 yes, I’m staying away, for now anyway. Just can’t handle anymore hostility. It’s made up my mind to totally not mention friends dc to my dc. I have been guilty of trying to get my dc to meet them more often but now I’m letting it go. Without my intervention there will be even less contact and that’s ok too. I’m fine with that now, I was only pushing it for my friends sake really, so at least that pressure is lifted.

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit I know how you feel. This has been here, as an undercurrent, for a while now between myself and my friend. She’s accused my dc of not being kind …. They’ve been more thank kind for the past 2 years. They have invited her dc along on many occasions when they didn’t really feel like it.
And yes, it’s hard, no one wins here. I feel like rubbish and I’m sure she does too, for her dc, not me. Hope you sort your situation out too.

@billy1966 I get that, it’s just 25 years of friendship is hard to let go. It dies look like it’s heading that way though, unfortunately. Not easy but I’m not going to rush in and make that decision. I’ve distanced myself for now and that’s a positive for me.

2 hours?
I'd be drop kicking her in the fanny next time

I don't for a minute think it is easy.

But she has chosen this behaviour.
She had a choice here.

2 hours of abuse from her where you felt intimidated is frankly extraordinary.

I actually cannot imagine a scenario like that.

I think ceasing all mention of her or her son is an excellent idea.

There would soon come a point where your son would no longer entertain this, as his life gets busier.

That she was stressed and upset I can understand.

That she chose to berate and intimidate you for two hours?

Nope.

That you sat and took it makes me wonder too.
Have you accepted other poor treatment over the years?

Have an honest think about that.

You do realise this is not normal?

If this was a husband or partner I would describe you as abused and would be advising you to contact Women's aid for support.

That is how unacceptable her behaviour is.