Page 2 | Friendship break-up

Thisiscrazyshite · 2022-08-29T14:25:06+00:00

Bit of background, myself and my friend are friends about 15 years. We are both well in our 40’s, married with a few kids each. So we’ve both been around the block, friendship wise. We had big falling out recently, one I don’t think we can come back from. Things were said that can’t be taken back. She said some hurtful things, was very intimidating and I felt backed into a corner. The conversation ended with no resolution. I was hurt at the time but now I’m just plain angry with it all! How dare she intimidate me like that ! I’m going mad I sat there for 2 hours and let her ! I’m mad that I didn’t just get up and walk away and tell stuff our friendship! She wanted something from me that I have no control over and I can’t give her. Should I just let things go, accept things are over? Should I try to reach out and salvage what’s there, knowing that things will be strained possibly forever? Do I confront her and let her know her words, demeanour and demands were damn right unacceptable and that her behaviour was bordering on aggressive ? Im so pissed right now, I probably wouldn’t hold back like I did the other day. Is there anything to be gained by that though ? Its occupying way too much of my headspace right now and it’s bloody draining me. I mean, how dare she !

MillyWithaY · 31/08/2022 08:53

It's understandable she's sad and frustrated that her child struggles to make friends, but her behaviour is so extreme and entitled I'm not sure I could get past that.

I met my 2 closest friends when our children were babies, and our children were childhood friends because we were friends. They're all adults now and stopped hanging out together as soon as they were old enough to choose their own friends. That's completely natural and normal. There's no bad feeling, just not a lot in common other than their mums are friends.

It's like sibling relationships. You grow up together, sharing living arrangements and experiences and not having a choice, but once you start to gain independence often those sibling relationships fall by the wayside. I'm not close to any of my siblings.

If you feel it's worth it, give it a few days and suggest a get together to discuss her concerns, but ultimately she has to understand you can't force a friendship.

Rounddog · 31/08/2022 09:35

To be honest it is a difficult and complex situation. DD and her friend stopped being friends last year and I’m friends with the Mum. At the end of DD and her friend’s friendship there was some nasty behaviour from the ex friend. The friend had obviously reached her limit with my DD because she no longer wanted to be friends with her but DD hadn’t done anything wrong as such (but the friend had clearly got the friendship ick). DD’s friend’s frustration came out in her behaviour. I witnessed it first hand. It wasn’t pleasant.

However I dealt with the situation with my child not with the other child or the child’s mother. The friendship between the girls ended, as often happens in growing up and I dealt with my child coming to accept that and the emotional fallout with my own child as a normal part of the ups and downs of life.

Your friend is taking it personally. That is not a good response to this sort of thing. My friend and I rarely spoke about it only to acknowledge it happened and it was sad and disappointing. To be honest though I really don’t like speaking to my friend about it at all because her daughter’s behaviour at the end wasn’t good, she doesn’t recognise that at all and it is very tricky for me when she raises it without that realisation so I prefer to swerve it.

Mary46 · 31/08/2022 12:28

Op will you see them at school gates. I would keep your distance. I find some mams are tricky to deal with. Dont see them now lol as she 16 thank god

billy1966 · 31/08/2022 13:35

Rounddog · 31/08/2022 09:35

To be honest it is a difficult and complex situation. DD and her friend stopped being friends last year and I’m friends with the Mum. At the end of DD and her friend’s friendship there was some nasty behaviour from the ex friend. The friend had obviously reached her limit with my DD because she no longer wanted to be friends with her but DD hadn’t done anything wrong as such (but the friend had clearly got the friendship ick). DD’s friend’s frustration came out in her behaviour. I witnessed it first hand. It wasn’t pleasant.

However I dealt with the situation with my child not with the other child or the child’s mother. The friendship between the girls ended, as often happens in growing up and I dealt with my child coming to accept that and the emotional fallout with my own child as a normal part of the ups and downs of life.

Your friend is taking it personally. That is not a good response to this sort of thing. My friend and I rarely spoke about it only to acknowledge it happened and it was sad and disappointing. To be honest though I really don’t like speaking to my friend about it at all because her daughter’s behaviour at the end wasn’t good, she doesn’t recognise that at all and it is very tricky for me when she raises it without that realisation so I prefer to swerve it.

You sound so mature.

However the OP's son and his friend are still friendly but have drifted.

No unpleasantness or nastiness, just friends drifting apart.

It happens.

It has happened to all of my children over the years, some they missed, some they didn't care about.

There really isn't anything to be gained by exacerbating it by falling out with the other childs parent.

Now if the child was nasty I think I would find that a LOT harder.

Rounddog · 31/08/2022 15:25

billy1966 · 31/08/2022 13:35

You sound so mature.

However the OP's son and his friend are still friendly but have drifted.

No unpleasantness or nastiness, just friends drifting apart.

It happens.

It has happened to all of my children over the years, some they missed, some they didn't care about.

There really isn't anything to be gained by exacerbating it by falling out with the other childs parent.

Now if the child was nasty I think I would find that a LOT harder.

Show quote history

I was giving the analogy because the OP might not be aware but her child may not have behaved well. Her friend seemed to suggest to her that there were issues there and I was wondering if it was similar.

Maybe not though but it wouldn’t be unusual for things to get tetchy as friendships drift. However I totally agree with the OP that friendships ending are the natural ebb and flow of growing up and the other mother needs to accept that.

Original poster

Thisiscrazyshite · 31/08/2022 17:05

@billy1966 yes, I do realise that behaviour is very unacceptable now. I can’t believe I sat there for 2 hours either and I am beating myself up over that. I suppose, by nature, I hate confrontation. I grew up in a volatile household with an abusive father. I took a lot of shit from him over the years but finally went NC as an adult.This, in turn, has made me a passive, people pleaser. I hate that part of me ! Another person would have left after 10 mins and I’m annoyed that I didn’t.
Part of me felt sorry for her, I didn’t even realise until after the event, how intimidating she had she been. It took me a few hours to process the whole thing.
I’m grown adult and can’t believe I took that shit.

@Rounddog i asked her for examples of nastiness from my son. She had none, other than he wasn’t inviting hers along to social outings.
Today both our DC’s were back at school and went down town together with a group for an hour. No issue between them whatsoever.
I asked my friend if my dc spread rumours, posted on line, said nasty things to her dc, lied about what he was doing or hid it from her dc etc and she said no! I actually know 100% that my dc wasn’t nasty. If anything, he invited her dc for too long when he wasn’t feeling it, because of my reminders to invite them along.

@MillyWithaY yes, I’m letting things settle and keeping my distance while I figure it all out. Thank you

OP posts:

billy1966 · 31/08/2022 20:51

God love you.
I'm so sorry for you.

But honestly, even more reason to stay the hell away from her.

She is a thundering disgrace and a bully.

100% unforgivable.

IMO 100% unforgivable for her to denigrate your son, when he has been nothing but kind, and she knows it.

How dare she behave like your son exists for her and her sons convenience.

I think you need to sit and wallow in your anger.

How dare she.

I would NEVER mention either of their names again, and if asked by your son, I would express supreme indifference as to whether he has any further association with her son.

No one would wrongly speak badly of any of my children, to me, and get away with it.

How dare she.

Original poster

Thisiscrazyshite · 31/08/2022 21:02

Thanks @billy1966 … I’m doing plenty of wallowing. Trying to snap out of it but it’s still so raw. Yeah, it really hurts when it’s one of the kids is being targeted. That’s why I finally went NC with my father. I did it to protect my kids from what I experienced. It’s amazing the strength you get when your dc is involved.
Thanks for your supportive words.

OP posts:

Rounddog · 31/08/2022 21:05

Thisiscrazyshite · 31/08/2022 17:05

@billy1966 yes, I do realise that behaviour is very unacceptable now. I can’t believe I sat there for 2 hours either and I am beating myself up over that. I suppose, by nature, I hate confrontation. I grew up in a volatile household with an abusive father. I took a lot of shit from him over the years but finally went NC as an adult.This, in turn, has made me a passive, people pleaser. I hate that part of me ! Another person would have left after 10 mins and I’m annoyed that I didn’t.
Part of me felt sorry for her, I didn’t even realise until after the event, how intimidating she had she been. It took me a few hours to process the whole thing.
I’m grown adult and can’t believe I took that shit.

@Rounddog i asked her for examples of nastiness from my son. She had none, other than he wasn’t inviting hers along to social outings.
Today both our DC’s were back at school and went down town together with a group for an hour. No issue between them whatsoever.
I asked my friend if my dc spread rumours, posted on line, said nasty things to her dc, lied about what he was doing or hid it from her dc etc and she said no! I actually know 100% that my dc wasn’t nasty. If anything, he invited her dc for too long when he wasn’t feeling it, because of my reminders to invite them along.

@MillyWithaY yes, I’m letting things settle and keeping my distance while I figure it all out. Thank you

On that case @Thisiscrazyshite that is completely unacceptable. Some people are completely unreasonable and she certainly has not put herself in the best light.

Mary46 · 01/09/2022 20:06

Yes op I agree with other replies how dare she. You dont need that in a friend. Absolutely terrible. Dont engage as I find they start more drama then.