How to leave someone that you know is bad for you?

[Ariadnee]

Been together 25 years I am sorry to say, thankfully not had kids, so I have so little in the way of excuses that I am a bit ashamed. But I am deeply unhappy, in a stressful situation and after this long simply can't mentally structure a way out.

I am now 45.

We don't live together but close by. Never married, which is not my issue here at all. I suppose these things make it much easier to resolve as we have barely any financial or familial ties.
His choices in life meant that there was never, ever going to be any financial freedom or autonomy, but I simply took care of myself and got on with it. We met when I was 20, and whilst my background was a happy, fairly privileged one, I seem to have never been able to muster the courage to leave and move on.

I now have no remaining family apart from a sister overseas. Most of my friendships I made through him and a fair few of those are not great for me. I can see that I have been a coward, to be unhappy and unfulfilled for so long, with a man who I don't believe wants to really partner with me, who barely seeks to know who I am. We have no shared plans and his projections for old age are very bachelor oriented. It's mostly about him, rather than 'we'.

I desperately need to make a new start, which would involve moving as i am severely unhappy where we live. But when I try to imagine myself so alone, I just lose myself in this weird fear of not being able to survive alone, yet he literally provides barely anything for me as it is. I am the sole earner, and I am not well off. He now has a very small government income and seems happy to stay that way so as to devote time to a hobby , so nothing to do with. our combined future seems important to him. But as I age, this isn't good, and i hope it isnt materialist of me to just want more.
The relationship has become more and more volatile in the past 6 years, lots of mood swings and silences, just a general lack of interest in me and a lot of defensiveness if I try to talk. I truly need and want to move on, but this dark, sinking terror hits me when I consider it, as If my confidence is gone. I know this is not a good way for me to live, but just feel paralysed. I would really appreciate some galvanising words, advice, anything to break the slump I am in.

Has anyone ever done this and things got much better? I suppose we have been together so long I can't imagine a life without it. Any help appreciated.

Tell him it's over and block from media.
Join a couple of shared interest groups or clubs. Don't be afraid to go to cinemas, restaurants etc. alone. Sadly you have to go through the site to get to the other side.
Best of luck to you - you can do it!

Thanks. I am not sure I want to do anything that sudden. I am under a lot of stress and this would make it worse. I would prefer to plan and take a little time to gain confidence. I hope that makes some sense.
Great advice about getting out. We are in a bad place so nothing to do here. I will definitely get looking.

Dragging this out is pointless and is only going to make things far, far worse. You aren't tied to him, you need him for nothing. End it right now, today, and block him. Sorry, op, but you need a massive change to get you out of this dead zone you're in. He doesn't make you happy and he never will. Just end it. I promise you will be so happy you did. Don't waste another day.

OP "His choices in life meant that there was never, ever going to be any financial freedom or autonomy, but I simply took care of myself and got on with it."

does this mean you are supporting him financially?

have you considered you might be relieved to end things?

it's fear of the unknown. I'm a raging pessimist and even I say, man, life can be a lot of fun! Not with a millstone round your neck though.

Can you imagine what your new ideal life would be , in detail ? Write it all down.

Break it down into chunks and start planning it all, bit by bit.

Where would you move to? I don’t mean the town, I mean the streets. Set up alerts on Rightmove for what you want to rent in the area .

start planning your new social life, what clubs, sports and hobbies you will take up.

what are the opportunities for volunteering or night classes in your new area?
What Chartities or causes are dear to your heart? How lucky you will be to have time to devote to them!

what old Friends will you get back in contact with ?

what books would you like to read or music to listen to ? Maybe you have always wanted to learn Indian cookery or to crochet or speak Mandarin . Now is your chance .

plan and research all your wonderful new life from the safety of your old one. Work out what step come first. Then do it.

No not supporting him, he just doesn't earn now so can't make plans etc. So in effect whilst he is really unhappy where he lives he wont move away with me as his gov money would stop.
I just have to support myself as a single person, which is fine but I know life would be much less expensive to share some of the load with a partner of 25 yrs. Sometimes i step outside of my life and look at it like a stranger would and i dont think anyone would put up with this. I cant figure out why i am such an idiot.

There's barely any sex now either, i feel as if my life is sliding down a gutter :(

Currently quite unwell with IBS flare up. The idea of making a dramatic life change whilst sat here today with cramps is a bit much, but i do know it needs to end.
I feel i need to collect myself mentally to prepare for that. I want to begin the process of gaining confidence and looking at some new things to do, moving house, etc.

This is so helpful thank you.
This how i feel and how i wish to approach it, but there's this deep, odd anxiety at being that alone, even initially. I really need to address this first, I need to work out why I am so afraid of something 'bad' happening if alone. It is a fear, so no reality to it of course, but i can't shake it off. I am very good alone (generally) and like own company but am a natural communicator and don't wish to be a hermit!

is this fear normal?

I am with someone who is bad for my self esteem. We are getting divorced after 34 years. For all sorts of reasons including climate change, lack of confidence I rarely go out or drive my car. However I know that I am happy in my own company so I have no worries about being alone. I know that I will need to sell a house, buy a house and move. These will all be very difficult for me. I have a couple of non mutual friends, but I cannot bring myself to talk to them.

What keeps me going is the picture of myself living a peaceful, quiet life somewhere of my choosing.

Can you look up Life Coaching online or buy some books. They may be able to show you how to structure your goals and how to get there. Is it the worry of loneliness or the fact you have been brought so low by an uncaring partner.

If the first, maybe you should look at ways of proving to yourself that you can either find and make new friends. If the second, then you will need to do specific acts that increase you confidence.

You probably need to set yourself small goals to start with then steadily progress to the larger ones, eg moving away. It has helped me to remind myself to say “what do I want” regularly and often.

Best of luck. Make the next 25 years better than the last.

I think that you have made up your mind.
You are in a situation now which sounds intolerable, he sounds like he brings nothing to the relationship, no commitment or even friendship- what’s the point?
I left my partner when I was 48 and I wish I’d done it sooner.

One thing I have learnt in life OP is that motivation follows action - don’t wait to feel ready as there will always be another box that could be ticked. You talk about wanting a bit more confidence. Actually it’s the doing that will give you confidence. You know what you need to do. You need to take action now.

You’ve given this man your entire adult life to date. Being without him will take some getting used to. But please don’t give him another 25 years.

By writing your post and thinking this through, you have probably made your biggest step! I once decided I needed to end a relationship (admittedly a much shorter one) but knew I wasn’t ready to do so immediately. But mentally I started to prepare myself and this made it easier to get there.

I second PPs who suggested thinking about how you want your life to look and also the coaching books. It sounds like leaving your DP will bring about big changes but you don’t have to make them all at once, you can take baby steps.

Is it possible to visit your sister to take a little time out and get a glimpse of your life once single again and some support? This might help you to regain some of your lost confidence.

good luck

Thank you for these replies, they are helping.
I think i have chosen the wrong day to post this as have a really upset stomach.
I do agree that small steps is the only way that i feel capable, right now, of going about it. Considering plans for what I want and desire is a great start. When I am feeling this low it is easy to forget how to do that, as everything feels so knotted up and twisted. It has been a very stressful week here.

I think what inspired this post was something that happened last night - He thought I had taken something of his by accident and proceeded to verbally attack me for the next 10 hours on and off. It felt so insane I couldnt make sense of it, and when i asked what the heck he became worse. He even shouted and screamed at 4 in the morning, demanded I left his house and slammed the door in my face. It was so out of the blue and slightly out of character that it left me awake all night, just reeling. He doesn't usually yell, but can on occasion fling out some cruelty if irked. I am just so tired of it all. I came to the conclusion that someone who cared for me and loved me simply wouldnt do that. They could get angry, annoyed, but not so bloody cruel.

What I want: I want a fairly simple life, quiet but with substance, good food, a creative kitchen! ..a lot of walks in nature, planning nice trips, a small but decent amount of people/friends. I also want to enjoy my home and move to a nicer place, possibly get back to driving at some point, I also love ceramics and would like to be able to work in that way again, seems to have stopped since pandemic as i have felt too stressed to care.

I am actually glad I am renting atm as it leaves me open and flexible for moving forward. I know I can effect so many changes, but just need to begin, and to build up the familiarity with my free spirit/confidence once again.

I think what inspired this post was something that happened last night - He thought I had taken something of his by accident and proceeded to verbally attack me for the next 10 hours on and off. It felt so insane I couldnt make sense of it, and when i asked what the heck he became worse. He even shouted and screamed at 4 in the morning, demanded I left his house and slammed the door in my face.

It is very, very concerning that you have not immediately ended the relationship after an episode like this. He is abusive and violent, and there is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour. You should never speak to him again. Waiting to end this relationship is just allowing him to keep being abusive. You are never going to feel "ready", you just need to end it right now.

It sounds like you are in a massive rut and so is he.
My suggestion would be to make some small changes that give yoy space from each other more often at first so the break doesn;t feel too scary.

Start doing things on your own or with other people not him. Go for MeetUp day trips locally. Go away for the weekend with a friend or interest group or travel company if you don;t want to go alone.

Do overnights and whole day trips without him at least twice a month or more until it becomes normal and you realise you can cope with new situations, nbew people, being on your own. the sky doesn't fall in. Then break up wth him and enjoy your life.

Good advice, thanks.
I do believe his behaviour last night was deeply unacceptable. It is a last straw moment for me. I was inching away, unhappily for some time, but this just broke the camel's back.
I have told him this and there has been no apology. He truly feels victimised by whatever it was. I can't even get my head around it and due to feeling unwell I am not going to try.

Conclusions I have come to:
I don't need to work him out or understand why this happened.
I dont owe him forgiveness for it.
I don't need to give him any insight or information about my feelings or thoughts.
This isn't good enough, it is very unhealthy, and I wish to leave it behind.

I share too much of my thoughts, feelings with him, perhaps I am too open in this way, but he doesnt share a lot in return. I wish to wean myself off doing this and keeping more to myself. That, emotionally, is a huge thing and will be my starting point. The idea of gradually making inroads into complete independence is ideal. And whilst I appreciate that a clean break as of 'right now' is attractive, I haven't got the energy for any drama. Tragically though, I doubt he would resist, I think he is fine with the idea of me going further afield. He knows as of this morning that I would prefer to not fight for this anymore. At this moment in time I just want peace, so would prefer to move on quietly, in steps, rather than suddenly.

I do believe I shall possibly try to grab a little holiday in the UK soon, and plan to join a yoga class. I am also ready to begin house hunting.

Do you genuinely want to move? I'm wondering if that's adding to your stress level.

his behaviour was appalling.

You have supported yourself for years so please don't worry about that.

In terms of never having been alone, my mum was with my dad from 18 to 80. They loved each other so much, I firmly believe he clung to his last hellish months of life because he couldn't bear to leave her. While it has been horrendous for her to lose him, she has made the fresh start that widows have to make. She has us and her friends, but still...it's tough but many people do it.

You are in a very different position and can do all sorts of things. Are you maybe feeling a bit "sunk costs" about it all?

I am actually glad I am renting atm as it leaves me open and flexible for moving forward. I know I can effect so many changes, but just need to begin, and to build up the familiarity with my free spirit/confidence once again

Do you know what area you want to move to?

Why don't you start looking on RightMove or Zoopla at properties to rent in your target area and spend time thinking what it will feel like to move into one of those places. Try it out, experience the feeling, before even doing anything.

Go along and view a property or two. If you find a place you like, just go for it.

Find out what notice you have to give on your current place, put the wheels in motion and make the move then let your ex know once you've gone. Do it all under the radar and only let him know when it's a done deal. As you say, you don't own him an explanation. No drama, no scene, just "I'm outa here".

the fact you're renting makes it a whole lot easier to extricate yourself. He sounds vile, selfish and you deserve so much better!

Don't expect him to express even an iota of regret or sadness. People like him are incapable of any feelings that aren't tightly linked to their own needs. He won't care all the years you've been together. It will be a mehhh if you're lucky, so if you set your expectations that low, then you will be able to cut ties so much easier.

My current place is going to be sold soon so I am happy to move and can leave any time. Relationship with homeowner is great. I only moved here to be near my partner, which I deeply regret now. I had thought, 6 years ago, that we would eventually share, but that isn't going to happen.
I am eager to find a new place, which is on the cards whether we split or not, so no issues there.

I don't feel 'sunk costs' about it at all. I am just perplexed as to why I have carried on so unhappily for so long. I accept that I have made my own choices, and simply dont want to get older and regret not leaving.
I think losing both my parents and my beloved dog within a few yrs of each other dragged my confidence and spirit down a fair bit.

As with all relationships, there are some good bits, we are very comfortable with each other and he isn't generally aggressive like last night at all. He can be insensitive and self interested, but that's just who he is and i can't change that. I just don' think we are alike anymore, and I can't see a happy future at all. He has some sexual issues and occasionally blames me for them (which is very, very wrong!) so we haven't done anything for years. It is just ridiculous, I know I am vibrant, intelligent, attractive, and I am so sick of feeling I can't have a future! I hope that doesn't' sound smug, I am far from confident, but realistically I have a lot going for me and I can't believe i have ended up so unconfident.

I am also suffering certain stress related issues that i know are due to living in this 'wrong' way. I need to heed this inner voice.

OP, your future is bright! You are 45 years old and have SO much living ahead of you. Once you truly understand that, anything is possible.

It's very hard to break away from the thing you've always known but my goodness, there's a whole, undiscovered life just ahead of you. It's scary but you can do this!

Perfect observation, quite true. He's a good egg in many ways but doesn't seem cut out for a regular relationship, whatever that means.
I have been thinking this exact thing. He remembers any penny I 'owe' him (a packet of teabags for instance), and I can't fathom that at all, as like my parents, I am stupidly generous, so never ever remember anything like that. Perhaps we are too different in the financial sense. I sometimes long to be treated and spoiled a bit, but that never will happen. It's silly but little treats are so nice sometimes. I am always treating him, buying good food and cooking to surprise him, and often replace ant device that breaks as i know he struggles. I think when we are with someone it helps to be similar in this way. He needs someone like him, if he needs anyone at all - which i doubt tbh.

...proceeded to verbally attack me for the next 10 hours on and off.

Ask yourself why you didn't go home. Why did you stay in his house and let him abuse you? Why did it take until he screamed at you and threw you out at 4 in the morning?

Why on earth didn't you just leave?

I was staying over, so did not wish to walk home at that time. I went to the spare room and just tried to calm down. I left around 7am. In all honesty I was so upset and shocked I didn't even think to consider a taxi.

Lots of good advice here for you already OP. I understand you, but you have plenty of time before retirement to change your life if you start now. I found the book Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway to be useful; someone on here recommended it I think. Don't waste your time on feeling ashamed, it's very common for these situations (and these men) to creep up on you. What matters is what you do next.