How to leave someone that you know is bad for you?

[Ariadnee]

Been together 25 years I am sorry to say, thankfully not had kids, so I have so little in the way of excuses that I am a bit ashamed. But I am deeply unhappy, in a stressful situation and after this long simply can't mentally structure a way out.

I am now 45.

We don't live together but close by. Never married, which is not my issue here at all. I suppose these things make it much easier to resolve as we have barely any financial or familial ties.
His choices in life meant that there was never, ever going to be any financial freedom or autonomy, but I simply took care of myself and got on with it. We met when I was 20, and whilst my background was a happy, fairly privileged one, I seem to have never been able to muster the courage to leave and move on.

I now have no remaining family apart from a sister overseas. Most of my friendships I made through him and a fair few of those are not great for me. I can see that I have been a coward, to be unhappy and unfulfilled for so long, with a man who I don't believe wants to really partner with me, who barely seeks to know who I am. We have no shared plans and his projections for old age are very bachelor oriented. It's mostly about him, rather than 'we'.

I desperately need to make a new start, which would involve moving as i am severely unhappy where we live. But when I try to imagine myself so alone, I just lose myself in this weird fear of not being able to survive alone, yet he literally provides barely anything for me as it is. I am the sole earner, and I am not well off. He now has a very small government income and seems happy to stay that way so as to devote time to a hobby , so nothing to do with. our combined future seems important to him. But as I age, this isn't good, and i hope it isnt materialist of me to just want more.
The relationship has become more and more volatile in the past 6 years, lots of mood swings and silences, just a general lack of interest in me and a lot of defensiveness if I try to talk. I truly need and want to move on, but this dark, sinking terror hits me when I consider it, as If my confidence is gone. I know this is not a good way for me to live, but just feel paralysed. I would really appreciate some galvanising words, advice, anything to break the slump I am in.

Has anyone ever done this and things got much better? I suppose we have been together so long I can't imagine a life without it. Any help appreciated.

I feel so sad for you OP & I also think your IBS could massively improve when you go it alone. It is scary but the possibilities are amazing! Please keep us updated & let us know how you are filling your new life when it starts. Sending lots of love & strength.

From my point of view: I was once in an abusive relationship but we shared a home and kids and finances, friends and family. The mental gymnastics I put myself through thinking that all of those things were too overwhelming to think about dismantling.. all the people, including my kids that were going to be hurt.. It took years to unenravel myself from that daily hell.

You have none of these ties. I read your post thinking what the eff is wrong with her, she’s not IN anything. She’s just wasted her whole life fucking the man down the road.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Another one seconding: read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. It’s a fabulous and very energising and inspiring read.

No, this is important, because it's a valid perspective, and I have looked at it from a lot of different angles. I know that in so many ways I am free to do what I please. The hard thing is psychological, some odd feelings of guilt, weakness, that make no sense. I think you can get so used to just being with someone, it feels 'bad' or wrong to leave. It is irrational, but still there.
And I know he will carry on and it will all pass, and he won't curl up and die without me. He's hardly passionately begging me to stay!

These are my own obstacles and I need to explore them. I'm glad you shared your version because it does help to see a different perspective, and you are right to ask wtf is wrong with me!

And thanks to those with book recommendations, I will take a look.

Someone once said to me that you will never feel more alone than when you are in an unhappy relationship. You feel alone right now while you are with someone that doesn't really care about you.

I've just read your other thread.

He's abusing you but I know people saying that doesn't necessarily make it easier to leave.

You are moving, anyway which is good.

Start building your good new life, the one without him in it.

You deserve to be happy.

How much more time are you going to waste on him? He doesn't care about you. If he did he wouldn't behave the way he does.

45 is not old. Packing your bags and leaving is not dramatic. There's no scenes necessary. I wouldn't even tell him, I'd leave a note and block him.

I understand you are finding it hard to face up to but as pp said you have no ties to him so the only thing stopping you is you.

Please, don't waste time on him. Your mental health and IBS will improve I guarantee it.

I think you BOTH know the relationship has run its course. He is doing what so many emotionally immature men do – make the relationship an increasingly more unpleasant and hostile environment in the hope that you will take the lead and call it a day rather than talking about it.

Can you be “less available” to him? Search out new hobbies or rekindle old ones that have fallen by the wayside and concentrate on those for a while – particularly ones with a more communal/social aspect that get you out of the house. Too much sitting and thinking time is counter-productive (and increases anxiety IBS).

Start browsing properties in an area you would like to live. Just browsing. Doesn’t require any commitment, financial outlay or decision making – you’re just seeing what’s out there and available to you.

Reduce your communication with him. Slowly. No need to be unkind. Just be less available, for chats and visits.

And. Stop. Buying. Him. Stuff and helping him out. Don't offer when he mentions he's running short of something or something has broken. Just stop. You get no thanks from him for it. No reciprocated actions (I know that’s not the point but..). No nothing. It just comes across as if you’re trying to buy his affection now. Why?

Could you go and stay with your sibling? Say your on holiday. Take time to decide your next steps and where you want to be? Make a plan. Maybe get some counselling too.

Sadly there is no easy way to do this. You will just have to take the next step and make it happen. I definitely think forming a solid support network is a good idea. Maybe make a friend or two that you can confide in and tell them your plans of leaving your partner so they can cheer for you when you take that leap. You definitely need moral support.

IMO your whole persona is wrapped up in this relationship and you've lost your Self.

Now that you know that, it is time for some personal decisions, because you've discovered that you need to find your Self.

This now has highlighted a fear of the future combined with a fear of the unknown.

The chains that shackle you are only in your imagination. Slowly exam this imagination and release these illusion's that are holding you back from achieving your Truth.

Mindful meditation classes by a reliable teacher.
Yoga meditations
Visit a spiritual centre, Buddhist, Taoist or similar and join in the talks or meditation classes.

From a calm mind you can make better practical decisions as how to best move forward.

Take it slowly. It is a rocky ride to unlearn behaviours that are ingrained.