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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why would he do this - angry, upset, heartbroken

31 replies

Feelinglostandconfused · 29/08/2022 14:19

I have posted a recent post aboht my marriage, how terrible and toxic it is etc and how I plan to seperate from my husband. I’ve told him how I feel and this is what I want but it’s not what he wants and he’s begging me to give it one final chance (even though it would be more like the 50th) and he’s acting like the best ever trying to convince me.

well today it’s come to my attention that whilst I was at work last night and my hai and was home with the kids he had had an argument with my daughter over her refusing to eating her dinner as she didn’t like pork mince. I always hate when I know this has happened because when he shouts he’s loud and rather aggressive and can be really hurtful. He also has this horrid look he gives- it makes me feel like nothing so god knows that it does to the kids.
Anyway … turns out that when he argued with our daughter (12Y) last night he had said to her that I am going to leave and it’s going to be all her fault.
this has only come to light as they’ve just started arguing again today and my daughter got upset and then started saying all he had said. .
my husband said he didn’t say that and started yelling at her for this that and the other to basically move the attention away.

how can I leave when our children are being told it’s going to be their fault when I do!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/08/2022 14:25

It's more imperative than ever to get them out of there imo. Have a chat with the bairn later and soothe her anxieties. Then please get yourself a plan.

The fact he's being the best ever, says he knows how he needs to behave and chooses not to.

PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 29/08/2022 14:31

What a bastard. Even more reason to leave. Explain to your daughter, along with reassuring her that this is just one example of why you and her dad need to split up. You're not 'going to leave'. You're breaking up with her father due to his toxic behaviour. How pathetic of him to blame her, and how destructive! Leave HIM as soon as you can.

DesMoulinsRouge · 29/08/2022 14:34

Tell her he's talking bollocks

Quartz2208 · 29/08/2022 14:37

You have to explain that it is not leaving and it is never leaving her. That you and her father are separating but that is not her fault and it does not mean either one is leaving

C1N1C · 29/08/2022 14:40

I agree with all the above.

category12 · 29/08/2022 15:10

You're not leaving her, are you?

You explain that

  • you want to leave him because you're unhappy with him,
  • that she's the best thing that ever happened to you,
  • and marriages sometimes don't work out but it's never the children's fault.
Dery · 29/08/2022 15:18

@Feelinglostandconfused - I may be way off-beam here (sorry if I am) but it sounds a bit like you’re looking for an excuse not to leave after all. If you have a 12yo, you surely know that you can explain the correct position to her. You know you need to get away from the marriage. Your H will no doubt say and do unhelpful things. You will overcome those because the temporary pain and discomfort of your journey out of your marriage is hugely outweighed by the permanent pain and despair of staying in it. Good luck, OP. You have taken a brave and good decision. Get whatever support you need to see it through.

Brigante9 · 29/08/2022 15:18

Pretty clear it’s not your fault, which he has nicely reinforced by being an arsehole again today.

Original poster
Feelinglostandconfused · 29/08/2022 15:29

Dery · 29/08/2022 15:18

@Feelinglostandconfused - I may be way off-beam here (sorry if I am) but it sounds a bit like you’re looking for an excuse not to leave after all. If you have a 12yo, you surely know that you can explain the correct position to her. You know you need to get away from the marriage. Your H will no doubt say and do unhelpful things. You will overcome those because the temporary pain and discomfort of your journey out of your marriage is hugely outweighed by the permanent pain and despair of staying in it. Good luck, OP. You have taken a brave and good decision. Get whatever support you need to see it through.

I am not looking for an excuse not to leave.
yes I am scared, actually terrified of leaving but I’m not looking for excuses not too. I’m still trying to come to terms that my marriage is possible more along the abusive lines rather than just unhealthy like I thought and as every little thing like this happens that proves it more so I feel like I’m breaking more.

yes I can talk to my daughter and of course I absolutely will but I don’t for a second want her to think it’s her fault. It’s not just her either, we have a 2 other children 9 and 13 who I’m guessing he’s said similar too aswell.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinglostandconfused · 29/08/2022 15:31

Feelinglostandconfused · 29/08/2022 15:29

I am not looking for an excuse not to leave.
yes I am scared, actually terrified of leaving but I’m not looking for excuses not too. I’m still trying to come to terms that my marriage is possible more along the abusive lines rather than just unhealthy like I thought and as every little thing like this happens that proves it more so I feel like I’m breaking more.

yes I can talk to my daughter and of course I absolutely will but I don’t for a second want her to think it’s her fault. It’s not just her either, we have a 2 other children 9 and 13 who I’m guessing he’s said similar too aswell.

Show quote history

I wasn’t snapping them either so please don’t read it that way. I can definitely see why for your response but it wasn’t the case

OP posts:
Dery · 29/08/2022 15:50

No worries, OP. Sorry for misreading you and glad I was wrong. Good luck with it all.

Natty13 · 29/08/2022 15:53

Do you want your daughter to grow up and end up in an abusive relationship she doesn't have the emotional tools to recognise and get out of? Do you want her thinking this is normal and she needs to put herself last?

You have the opportunity to set her an example of what to do when someone isn't treating you well. You can explain to her in appropriate terms that this is NOT what happens in healthy relationships.

Boreded · 29/08/2022 16:12

Just leave before he can ruin your daughters understanding of what a real relationship should be.

Original poster
Feelinglostandconfused · 29/08/2022 16:32

We haven’t even told the children yet I should add which is probably why I’m feeling so sad about it all because he’s put that thought into her head or their heads before we’ve told them.

He is acting so overly nice right now it just f*cks with my head

OP posts:
Turv · 29/08/2022 16:39

Get the hell out and make your daughter aware that when he says things like that it is to hurt you and not her. Give her the confidence to tell you everything and she is 12 so she has a strong voice in how she wants to see you and her dad. The problem is, my ex did the exact same thing to my 8 yr old. Always “look what your mum is doing to our family”. “Look how cruel your mum is”. I would get her and her sister on their own and make it very clear they are loved and sometimes things are said that are incorrect. That I would help them understand the things that are being said and make clear plans.
it will get worse before it gets better. Stay strong and when your daughter is with you, keep positive and strong. Go go go!!!

MadinMarch · 29/08/2022 16:42

He is acting so overly nice right now it just fcks with my head*

But he's not acting overly nice is he? He's just been really cruel to your daughter.

Original poster
Feelinglostandconfused · 29/08/2022 18:11

MadinMarch · 29/08/2022 16:42

He is acting so overly nice right now it just fcks with my head*

But he's not acting overly nice is he? He's just been really cruel to your daughter.

I know.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why I start doubting.
All that happened. He left to go shop and then he came home he was being so nice. Nice to me, nice to kids, like much more than normal and that’s when my head starts doubting. I see the niceness and I can feel myself inside going … he’s not a bad guy and I start feeling guilty again for my actions.
WTF is wrong with me.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/08/2022 19:52

It's not you, it's him. It's how emotional abuse works, they cycle through nice and nasty, always keeping you off-balance and turning things round on you, so you end up befogged by it all.

And when they're nice it becomes overvalued. Being nice to you and your kids should be the default, not something special.

Agadoodoododont · 29/08/2022 20:00

Even if you and husband had an amicable, no arguing or shouting at all separation you’d still reassure your children that parents splitting is never their fault or responsibility and you love them unconditionally forever. So do that now.
They will take their lead from you- if you’re calm, answer their questions honestly they’ll come through this with you stronger than ever.

ShahRukhKhan · 29/08/2022 22:02

The fact that he would say this to your child, shows beyond a doubt that you have to leave. He is hurting your children, not just you. He has handed you a gift-- definitive proof that you and your kids will be better off without him.

Nyna · 29/08/2022 23:11

Have you thought that maybe he told them because now you “can’t “ leave? As he knows now your children would think that. And if you left he’d be erasing any “ chance” of the children seeing him as the bad one.
More reason to leave his ass

wellhelloitsme · 29/08/2022 23:35

PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 29/08/2022 14:31

What a bastard. Even more reason to leave. Explain to your daughter, along with reassuring her that this is just one example of why you and her dad need to split up. You're not 'going to leave'. You're breaking up with her father due to his toxic behaviour. How pathetic of him to blame her, and how destructive! Leave HIM as soon as you can.

This. She's at an age where it's important she knows this so that her relationship expectations aren't fucked up and so that she doesn't think any adult decisions are her fault.

Poor girl, her dad is an absolute cunt.

wellhelloitsme · 29/08/2022 23:38

he’s not a bad guy and I start feeling guilty again for my actions.

Good guys don't bully children.

Ever.

Not even once.

What he said was designed to make her feel absolutely shit. Completely guilty.

To the level it's damaging to her mental health, long term.

You telling her it's not her fault if you end the relationship, that she must never tolerate behaviour like this from a partner in future and that you aren't 'leaving her' you're practicing at you preach and ending a relationship that is toxic with a man who has been abusive.

SammyScrounge · 30/08/2022 00:35

gamerchick · 29/08/2022 14:25

It's more imperative than ever to get them out of there imo. Have a chat with the bairn later and soothe her anxieties. Then please get yourself a plan.

The fact he's being the best ever, says he knows how he needs to behave and chooses not to.

Inflicting emotional cruelty on a child is wicked beyond belief. Is this how he behaves with everyone? If he does it is because manipulation has been a successful tactic for him.
I think you know what you have to. Good luck

TwowaystoUrmston · 30/08/2022 08:04

He's using your DD to hurt/get at/emotionally manipulate you OP, just let that sink in, he cares more about getting to you than he does about hurting his own child Angry And please don't be taken in by the 'nice' part of his pattern of abuse, it's pure deflection/distraction from the awful thing he's done by saying all that to DD, don't be deceived. Let this be the thing that strengthens your resolve to leave, he's showing you very clearly who he is and what he's capable of and your DC need protecting from him Flowers