Why would he do this - angry, upset, heartbroken

[Feelinglostandconfused]

I have posted a recent post aboht my marriage, how terrible and toxic it is etc and how I plan to seperate from my husband. I’ve told him how I feel and this is what I want but it’s not what he wants and he’s begging me to give it one final chance (even though it would be more like the 50th) and he’s acting like the best ever trying to convince me.

well today it’s come to my attention that whilst I was at work last night and my hai and was home with the kids he had had an argument with my daughter over her refusing to eating her dinner as she didn’t like pork mince. I always hate when I know this has happened because when he shouts he’s loud and rather aggressive and can be really hurtful. He also has this horrid look he gives- it makes me feel like nothing so god knows that it does to the kids.
Anyway … turns out that when he argued with our daughter (12Y) last night he had said to her that I am going to leave and it’s going to be all her fault.
this has only come to light as they’ve just started arguing again today and my daughter got upset and then started saying all he had said. .
my husband said he didn’t say that and started yelling at her for this that and the other to basically move the attention away.

how can I leave when our children are being told it’s going to be their fault when I do!

Your poor poor children.

Stuck in a home like this.

One abusive father emotionally bullying them, and a mother who thinks he is nice the minute he pretends to be.

You are with an abusive arsehole who doesn't care about his children.

What a life they have ahead of them growing up in a house like that.

IF you care anything for your children you will put them ahead of yourself and leave asap.

If you don't care about them, you will remain in this situation because it makes life easier for you.

I really hope your children reach out and tell a teacher exactly what their home life is like.

Your husband is scum.

They are depending on you to be brave and do the right thing by them.

You all deserve better than this.

Wow!
I fully get what you are saying and I agree but that was also so harsh and the guilt and tears were unreal
i am not a bad parent and I love my children

No one doubts you love your children or want to be a good parent.

@Billy1966 may have been a bit blunt but the reason why you've taken that so hard and had the guilt and tears is because deep down you know her comments are right and you need to step up for them right now. Not keep getting sucked in by his false and pretty feeble attempts to be 'nice' for a while.

My mother took years to leave my father - or she left and went back - and it damaged us far more than if she'd left much earlier when we were younger. Unlike some of my siblings, I don't 'blame' her (it was when state benefits & housing for single mothers were VERY difficult to get) but nonetheless she still chose to stay because (despite his abuse) it was easier for her than leaving and being on her own.

You have to put aside your own feelings about your husband. You say how can I leave when our children are being told it’s going to be their fault when I do! But it isn't their fault and you can keep saying that and supporting them to accept that. Loving your children means making hard choices in their best interests even if in the moment they feel awful or hate you for it. Is that risk really worse than staying and letting your children live in this awful environment, being used by him as weapons to get back at you? Eventually your kids will see the truth, indeed they probably know already that there is far more going on and he is the real problem.

OP my ex did shit like this - honestly, it hurts and I know how bad this makes you feel. My ex told the kids on his own (even though we'd agreed to tell them of the break up together) he went in and told their school too (without any kind of discussion with me first) he treated the kids like adult friends to cry to....the whole lot. And I had to pick up the pieces every time with the kids.

But he is making these choices - to potentially cause emotional harm to your children rather than face up to his part in the breakdown of his relationship with you. You cannot control his choices, just your own responses to them.

Please keep pushing for getting separated. He's doing everything he can think of (including being falsely kind to you right now) to keep you from changing the status quo. But his mask has already slipped hasn't it.

The last time my ex did this I was still in the marital home as well. I gave him one warning - we discuss this away from the kids, calmly and you need to stop. He chose not to. Once more I said ok you aren't listening. This discussion ends now and we'll talk later, if you don't stop right now - I'm leaving for the night. He chose not to. Ok no more chances. I packed the kids up and we went to my folks. From then on I gave the same warnings - this change in my behaviour gave me some power back.

I know this isn't what you want to put them through OP. But I promise, this time will pass. You will draw strength from deep down inside. You will be happy again.

I’m still trying to come to terms that my marriage is possible more along the abusive lines rather than just unhealthy like I thought and as every little thing like this happens that proves it more so I feel like I’m breaking more.

The time to process this is after you’ve left and have some calm in your life away from the fear and chaos he is causing for ALL of you

Now is not the time to take a long think about it.

You have got daily proof of the damage he is doing to your children.

Get out now and give yourselves time to process it all later.

Im sure you are scared, but don’t let it shock you into (more) inaction which will just damage you all further.

sending you strength and support, and hope that you can get to a better place, literally and mentally, very soon

You are only doubting yourself and scared because there is going to be a big change in your life. You are so used to the abuse that it's relatively normal to you. You've become so used to it. This is what abusers do....they chip away at your confidence, create doubt where you question everything in terms of normal etc. They do this to you over time so it's difficult to actually figure out when it started to be so horrific.

You know this isn't fair, positive, healthy or safe. You know you and your children deserve better. Logically and looking at it rationally you understand it but it's difficult to progress because it's tangled up in mixed emotions and a sense of grief for what might have been it what you thought it would be.

Don't let him continue to have you question yourself. The first step is the hardest. It may even by difficult for a while but some day in the future when you see the change in your happiness and the children's happiness, not walking in eggshells, not trying to appease him, not having your thoughts and actions questioned or undermined, you will feel such a sense of relief and happiness.

Don't caught up in the difficulty of chance, focus on the life you can have as opposed to what you current have. It will better in the long run.