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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't let her go.

41 replies

upthetigers · 29/08/2022 11:55

Seeing a woman I've known for a few years for almost a year. I love her and see her daughter who was a few months old at the time as my own.
She's decided to go back to her husband. He earns double what I do. She says she can't afford it on her own. I've done nothing but listen to her tell me how awful and abusive he was for all this time and how he cheats on her.
I'm devastated I can't let her go. What can I do? They went out the other night and I turned up at the restaurant but left before they saw me. I love her so much

OP posts:
Antarcticant · 29/08/2022 11:59

No easy answer - you have to let her go.

Do whatever it takes to stop yourself thinking about her.

Stop following her to restaurants.

She doesn't want you - that's sad, but it's her decision and brooding over the reasons for it and whether in your eyes they are justified will do no good at all.

It might feel like the end of the world, being dumped, but you will get through it to a better place. Flowers

Dery · 29/08/2022 12:07

This is very difficult and painful for you but you have to let her go. That’s not optional. In time, the pain will pass. In the meantime, treat yourself. Focus on activities which you enjoy doing; get lost in some box sets; go for walks in nature; talk to friends and family.

Nagado · 29/08/2022 12:07

You don’t have to stop loving her, but you do have to start accepting that she’s gone. You don’t get the choice of whether or not to let go. She’s made her choice and the only way you’ll get through this is to cut all contact, stay far away from her and take the time you need to heal. If you carry on like this, all that is going to happen is that you end up in serious trouble.

Original poster
upthetigers · 29/08/2022 12:09

Thank you for your reply. She still messages me every day she says she hates not speaking to me. She'll tell me how he's being nasty to her already. I just want to tell her to do one and I told her so, but I love her too much. I can't bear the thought of that beautiful little girl thinking that's how women should be treated. She says she doesn't want to share the kids or have Holliday or Christmas without them so she is torn.
Do I just let her go

OP posts:
PotatoHammock · 29/08/2022 12:10

It's not up to you to "let her go", she's free to leave whenever she wants. She doesn't belong to you, you have no say over what she does with her own life.

minticecreamisjustok · 29/08/2022 12:12

Stop speaking to her, it's the only way to accept it's over. She has made the choice to go back to her husband, honestly toughen up and don't wait around being someone's second choice.

friendtodinosaurs · 29/08/2022 12:14

upthetigers · 29/08/2022 12:09

Thank you for your reply. She still messages me every day she says she hates not speaking to me. She'll tell me how he's being nasty to her already. I just want to tell her to do one and I told her so, but I love her too much. I can't bear the thought of that beautiful little girl thinking that's how women should be treated. She says she doesn't want to share the kids or have Holliday or Christmas without them so she is torn.
Do I just let her go

Oh no! You need to completely go 'no contact' with her for your own sanity. She's being unfair by stringing you along. I feel like she's doing it 'just in case' things with her ex husband don't work out- do you really want to be her back up plan or a second option? You don't deserve that!

Sending you so many hugs, I know how awful you're feeling.

Original poster
upthetigers · 29/08/2022 12:19

I just don't understand why she's making such a stupid decision. The things she told me he did are horrendous. It breaks my heart thinking her and her daughter could be put through that again and she's willingly choosing that life.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/08/2022 12:21

She's telling you what you need to hear to keep you hanging on in case he changes his mind again.

FuckFuckGo · 29/08/2022 12:21

It sounds like she wants your love to support her through an abusive marriage, so best of both worlds really. It’s rather cruel.

As difficult as it is I would cut all contact. Perhaps once she is faced with the reality of losing you she will reconsider, although I would think carefully about whether it’s really a good idea to be with somebody who thinks it’s okay to play with your feelings like this.

It will be tough but you need to step away and leave her to it. You can’t follow her around and stalk her.

friendtodinosaurs · 29/08/2022 12:22

She wants you there to save the day in case he decides it's over and he doesn't want her again. Please, please, please don't put yourself in the position of being the second option (especially if it's also partly about how much he gets paid!!).

Thereisnolight · 29/08/2022 12:25

She’s using you.
You’re right to feel sorry for the child but there’s nothing you can do about that.
Step away from the madness and try to find a happy, stable life of your own.

Welshrarebitontoast · 29/08/2022 12:26

She’s choosing money over you.

At the same time she wants to have her cake and eat it by keeping you dangling.

You deserve better. Block her on your phone, stop going to places where you’ll bump into her.

Bagpiss · 29/08/2022 12:26

Sorry but I think you're her 'fall back' plan, she's being incredibly selfish and just keeping you hanging on.
It isn't going to be easy but you need to cut all ties.

AquaticSewingMachine · 29/08/2022 12:28

You need to block her. And you really really need to stop following her/showing up where she is, right now, instantly, however good your motives are. That's stalker behaviour.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. But she's an adult woman, and she's made her choices. You can't be her saviour and you need to give yourself the space you need to get over things.

Catlover1970 · 29/08/2022 12:33

upthetigers · 29/08/2022 12:09

Thank you for your reply. She still messages me every day she says she hates not speaking to me. She'll tell me how he's being nasty to her already. I just want to tell her to do one and I told her so, but I love her too much. I can't bear the thought of that beautiful little girl thinking that's how women should be treated. She says she doesn't want to share the kids or have Holliday or Christmas without them so she is torn.
Do I just let her go

Block her and stop torturing yourself . Her drip feeding to you is unfair and you need to move forward. She’s made her choice

Catlover1970 · 29/08/2022 12:34

Bagpiss · 29/08/2022 12:26

Sorry but I think you're her 'fall back' plan, she's being incredibly selfish and just keeping you hanging on.
It isn't going to be easy but you need to cut all ties.

Totally agree. It’s harsh but if she truly loved you she would not have gone back to an abusive relationship. In the kindest way - walk away you can do better

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/08/2022 12:34

She's being absolutely awful keeping in contact with you and telling you what he's doing to her. She can't have it both ways. You need to cut her off and definitely don't go turning up at places where they are!

Midlifemusings · 29/08/2022 12:34

Op, I feel for you. It is very hard to see someone you love in an abusive relationship when you know they have other options and have chosen this.

I was in a similar situation once and had to cut all ties. It wasn't a romantic partner but a close friend. It was too hard on my own mental health. It doesn't stop you thinking about how they are and hoping they are okay but you can't make people's choices for them and when people make bad choices that put their and their kids safety at risk, it is hard to stay supportive. I kept trying for awhile but over time, I realized that I was letting her choices have a negative impact on my own life and well-being. Life is complicated and I am sorry you are hurting.

It sounds like it would be healthier for you to cut ties and focus on your own healing rather than continuing to be her support system given the toll that will take on you.

Str8talker · 29/08/2022 12:38

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ThePumpkinPatch · 29/08/2022 12:43

I just want to tell her to do one

Hmm You sound pretty delightful yourself Confused

girlmom21 · 29/08/2022 12:44

ThePumpkinPatch · 29/08/2022 12:43

I just want to tell her to do one

Hmm You sound pretty delightful yourself Confused

You'd want to tell someone to do one if they'd left you for their ex then contacted you every day to say they missed you, their ex is a dick but they're staying put, too...

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 29/08/2022 12:47

upthetigers · 29/08/2022 12:09

Thank you for your reply. She still messages me every day she says she hates not speaking to me. She'll tell me how he's being nasty to her already. I just want to tell her to do one and I told her so, but I love her too much. I can't bear the thought of that beautiful little girl thinking that's how women should be treated. She says she doesn't want to share the kids or have Holliday or Christmas without them so she is torn.
Do I just let her go

You either need to let her know that’s it you or him, or just block her.
she is not fair by stringing you along, you are being kept in reserve as a fall back if her relationship goes south again.
block contact with her and find someone better & let her sort her own problems out, this is not fair on you

Christmasiscominghohoho · 29/08/2022 12:47

She’s left you and gone back to her ex.
Why the fuck would you even want her.
She can’t be trusted. She will do it again and again over ‘guilt’.

YRGAM · 29/08/2022 12:51

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I think you want one of the Reddit sub forums with that kind of incelly language

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