I can't let her go.

[upthetigers]

Seeing a woman I've known for a few years for almost a year. I love her and see her daughter who was a few months old at the time as my own.
She's decided to go back to her husband. He earns double what I do. She says she can't afford it on her own. I've done nothing but listen to her tell me how awful and abusive he was for all this time and how he cheats on her.
I'm devastated I can't let her go. What can I do? They went out the other night and I turned up at the restaurant but left before they saw me. I love her so much

Oh gosh no, for the sake of your sanity, you cannot be the one to support her in this choice. Sometimes love has to be tough. By being in frequent contact with her, you're making it easier for her to stay.

I think you need to message her and tell her that you love her and you strongly advise her to leave this man but you have to cut all contact. Ask her to please respect your wishes.

This is not fair to you.

Unless you are Will Ng to kidnap her and chain her up in your house you can do exactly fuck all.

She's made her decision.

All you can do is walk away.

Oh and absolutely fucking block her!

It is hugely unfair of her to be messaging you

I think you need to set a boundary regarding contact. She can't on the one hand say it's over with you and on the other hand carry on as though you're still in a relationship with her, which is what she is doing with her daily messaging. The fact that this guy has money seems to also be making you feel less adequate in that regard than he is; perhaps you feel that if you were richer, she would have stayed with you. Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't, but relationships are supposed to be two-way with mutual support for each other, not one-sided like this. Your wanting to protect her and her child are natural instincts but what are you getting in return? A needy woman who will continue to be needy until she stops relying on the men in her life for her own wellbeing.

There are support groups for her type of situation which I'm sure some of the posters here could point to, that don't involve running from one man to another. I would point her at the support and then exit gracefully, with your dignity intact. She can't be helped unless she wants to help herself and even then I don't think you're the right person to be involved in that. You want to be her lover, not her best friend who scrapes her off the floor every time things go tits up with her husband so taking that role on for yourself is not being true to yourself. You will get back what you project, so don't project what you don't want in return.

In my experience, one of the worst things if not the worst thing about breaking up is losing dignity and you're heading down that path by following her around. Once you've lost your dignity you'll feel like shit. Don't beg for her to come back either. Begging is not attractive and it will never, ever, entice someone back.

I know it's hard and I know it's a cliche but the old adage about time being a healer is so true. This will pass and you will one day look back and realise why this relationship wasn't the right one for you.

Right now, she's using you, intentionally or otherwise.

You can't allow her to use you as support when she's withsoneive else. She has the best of both.

Stop, don't allow her to do this.

There's more than one child but you sound obsessed with the baby? That's weird, she's not your child. You can't have been together very long.

This woman is using you as a back up plan so block her. Stop stalking her and stop fantasising that you're somehow the saviour of her and (randomly just one) of her children.

The elder child is from her husband's first marriage and I think she is scared he will stop him seeing her. I've never met him only the baby

Never met her*

She told me she was out for a meal with him and I don't even know why I wanted to go or what I thought I would be able to achieve. I saw them through the window and walked away.
I just can't cut her off I love her too much

"I just can't cut her off I love her too much"

You can. Nobody is denying it's hard - most of us have been dumped at least once in our lives. But you do not need to be a slave to your own feelings.

If you love her you will let her go. She made her choice and you need to respect that. It hurts, it feels unfair, your heart is broken but it's her choice and you need to respect that.

One of two things will happen, she will miss her life with you and realise how much you m an to her or she will continue with her husband. Either way you will have closure.

What worried me is that you followed her to a restaurant, that's stalker ish behaviour and it's definitely not the right path for either of you.

I have been harassed by ex partners before and it's terrifying- don't put her in that position.

For your own mental health you need to cut contact, the sooner you do the sooner you can move on in your life and find happiness with someone who loves and respects you in a balanced equal way.

This I'm afraid, you have no choice in this as she's already let you go!
The Old clique of if you love someone let them go will have to be your stance for now.

Thanks all. I know she isn't being fair she's being cruel and I've told her that. I've told her she's hurting me and although I don't care about her prick of a husband. she's not being fair to either of us.
She says she loves me and never used me. But she can't stand the thought of having to share her daughter or not seeing his other child again. And with the cost of living she can't afford it alone. Even though I offered to support her with what I can manage.
I'm going to have to block her as I can't stop myself replying when she messages me.

It’s not up to you to ‘let her go’, you don’t own her and she is choosing money over you. Stop embarrassing yourself. In future, pick girlfriends who aren’t married.

Sorry you’ve had to go through this, OP. The cost of living crisis is going to trap a lot of people in shitty relationships, I think.

She told me she was out for a meal with him and I don't even know why I wanted to go or what I thought I would be able to achieve. I saw them through the window and walked away.

You're stalking a woman who has ended her relationship with you. It's not up to you to say you don't accept her ending it as you deem her reason invalid.

I just can't cut her off I love her too much

You can, but you don't want to.

You need to reframe this in your mind. This isn't a romantic thing. She's ended it. You need to block her, heal and move on.

And if her husband is as abusive as you say, and you truly care about her, then you won't continue to speak to her and follow her places because if he finds out then it's her and the kids he will punish with further abuse.

This is madness all round.

You do have control of your response to the situation, it's just a situation you wish wasn't happening. But it is.

Cut contact completely and block everywhere. Currently you're making life harder for yourself and contributing to the risk of her husband being abusive if he finds out you're talking and she's telling you places they are going together. He'll punish her if he's an abuser and finds out about that.

If you love her, let her go. Yes, she's making a self destructive decision to go back to her abuser. But you are only heightening the risk of that abuse.