Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still struggling to understand how this caused such a big problem

28 replies

Stilldontgetit · 29/08/2022 09:50

A couple of months ago i had a huge falling out with MIL. Massive.

Prior to that we had got on fine (well I thought we did but what was said made me realise she has not ever liked me and that I’ve been discussed negatively by her and other members of dh family so I feel quite upset and humiliated)

We had been getting on with what was a busy day had an appointment and it was nearly school pick up time and she had asked for a lift somewhere but we had said sorry we are busy. Later on dh called her to say ‘sorry about that next time give us a day or even a few hours notice and we will move things around to help’ but she launched into an attack on me and said hideous unforgivable things.

She still hasn’t apologised and seems to think that she can just talk to dh as if nothing has happened whilst acting like I just don’t exist ??! He doesn’t contact her but if she contacts him he will respond and keep contact to a minimum but the whole situation is just horrible and I wish it hadn’t happened and we could go back to how it was but it wasn’t real - she never really liked me and like an idiot I didn’t realise. But it’s so awkward now and I don’t know what to do 😞

has anyone got advice I am not sure how to move forward

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 29/08/2022 10:06

I think the situation at present is ideal.
Have nothing to do with her.
DH doesn't contact her but if she reaches put he replies. Perfect!

ZekeZeke · 29/08/2022 10:07

Reaches out

KosherDill · 29/08/2022 10:09

What were her complaints about you?

DH needs to tell her she owes you an apology.

Original poster
Stilldontgetit · 29/08/2022 10:09

ZekeZeke · 29/08/2022 10:06

I think the situation at present is ideal.
Have nothing to do with her.
DH doesn't contact her but if she reaches put he replies. Perfect!

I’m just finding it hard to adjust it was such a shock . I just feel uneasy at the way she thinks this shouldn’t affect her relationship with dh ?!! His responses to her are very much single word responses or as minimal as possible exchanges so I think she will realise she’s caused a huge divide but really and truly I wish it hadn’t happened it’s totally knocked my self confidence

OP posts:
Original poster
Stilldontgetit · 29/08/2022 10:14

KosherDill · 29/08/2022 10:09

What were her complaints about you?

DH needs to tell her she owes you an apology.

Many, many things. Repeatedly saying I’ve taker her son away. Accusing me of laziness and weakness. Criticising how I parent, having a go at me that dh was out with one of dc at an appointment as he should either be relaxing or available for her , swearing at me, telling me I’d finally got what I wanted (my own family unit at her expense) that she should not have to ‘book in’ if she wants help that I should realise dh must drop everything for her as she’s his mother, how everyone agrees with her that I’m lazy and it just went on and on

OP posts:
Original poster
Stilldontgetit · 29/08/2022 10:15

I do feel an apology is needed but I haven’t pushed as didn’t want to re inflame the situation but I keep replaying what was said. It really hurt me immensely

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 29/08/2022 10:16

She sounds awful and very immature not wanting her little boy to be taken away from her , how pathetic. Take it she has never apologised?

Original poster
Stilldontgetit · 29/08/2022 10:16

I think what’s got to me is that I didn’t see this coming. I thought we got on fine

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 29/08/2022 10:17

Has your husband tried to talk to her?

BeautifulWar · 29/08/2022 10:17

DH needs to tell her she owes you an apology.

But this would be completely hollow. That would just annoy me more!

I agree, keep things as they are - she's shown her true colours. She obviously doesn't think she's done anything wrong, which is far more unforgivable then an angry outburst.

Leave the cow to it.

Original poster
Stilldontgetit · 29/08/2022 10:17

pumpkinpie01 · 29/08/2022 10:16

She sounds awful and very immature not wanting her little boy to be taken away from her , how pathetic. Take it she has never apologised?

No she was just silent for a couple of weeks after then started contacting dh as if nothing happened ?? So he does reply but keeps it very minimal

OP posts:
Original poster
Stilldontgetit · 29/08/2022 10:19

Dotcheck · 29/08/2022 10:17

Has your husband tried to talk to her?

On the day it happened he told her she was completely out of order but she then later on was simultaneously texting us to me she was swearing, threatening and being foul to him she was texting how stressed and upset she was and that she loves him !!! It was like jekyll and Hyde so I blocked her and he just ignored and didn’t engage but it was like two different people

OP posts:
Original poster
Stilldontgetit · 29/08/2022 10:20

I think I’m just very hurt and I don’t feel I can just forgive and forget

OP posts:
KosherDill · 29/08/2022 10:21

Stilldontgetit · 29/08/2022 10:15

I do feel an apology is needed but I haven’t pushed as didn’t want to re inflame the situation but I keep replaying what was said. It really hurt me immensely

I don't blame you. She sounds vindictive and unhinged, and very competitive.

Did you hear all this directly or did he relay it (and if so, why??)

Can't be swept under rug. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 29/08/2022 10:23

Before dh went nc with mil we agreed her name wasn't mentioned in our home.

Leave them to it op. Dh has shown you - and mil - who is his priority..
Bet Christmas and all other occasions will be better for you without her around. She is a fake. And a not so very nice one at that.

Original poster
Stilldontgetit · 29/08/2022 10:23

KosherDill · 29/08/2022 10:21

I don't blame you. She sounds vindictive and unhinged, and very competitive.

Did you hear all this directly or did he relay it (and if so, why??)

Can't be swept under rug. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Show quote history

Majority was by text , rest by phone call. It’s just still getting to me weeks later. I suppose the current situation of me NC and dh very low contact is the way to go but it’s just made me feel so upset

OP posts:
Boxofsockss · 29/08/2022 10:26

She sounds like a very old fashioned mother who does everything for her children and wants them to be waited on hand and foot? With her comments that he should of been relaxing and not taking HIS CHILD to an appointment and you’re lazy. I’d just not bother making an effort until she apologies and then I guess you need to suck it up for your husband and child’s sake (but only when she makes the first move!!)

Theoscargoesto · 29/08/2022 10:34

I really understand how hurtful this is for you. From what you say, she has taken the view that there is a fight on for your DH’s attention, she is losing it and thus lashed out.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong. It’s normal to be hurt and angry and wonder how to dissipate those feelings (I think you’ve done very well not to engage, to hurt her back). I think most people would struggle to forgive and forget, or even just to forget.

It’s also ok to understand that she is the one with issues and you can’t resolve those for her. And until she recognises her own behaviour and her part in this, it’s ok not to have any contact with her, I think.

ZekeZeke · 29/08/2022 10:45

Don't let it get to you. You do not need to forgive and forget.
She has shown her true colours.
Your DH has your back which is good.

You know she will never apologise so get that out of your head.
You don't have to have anything to do with her at all, leave all communication to your DH.

HotWashCycle · 29/08/2022 11:03

You have handled it just fine OP. But I get that you want to know how to do so going forward given the sense of betrayal (you thought you were getting on OK with her) and the obvious injustice she has piled on you. As someone who has had to deal in a completely different context, with blame for something I did not do and the betrayal and injustice involved, I'd say - Hold your head up high, feel good about yourself, knowing that you are not the person she has described, and stay NC in order to protect your own wellbeing. In that sense NC is not about revenge or teaching her a lesson - but something you do for yourself, to protect yourself from unnecessary stress. Keep strong and know you are a good person. No one can take that from you, whatever family pressures there are from the "everyone" she mentions. Good that your DH is onside, you need his support. Then just forget her and have no more to do with her.

Chamomileteaplease · 29/08/2022 11:07

She'll be kicking herself now as she realises she has messed up and jeopardized her relationship with her son.

Did you really not spot any of these traits in her before? She sounds completely mad and it is strange that you used to like her!

I would encourage your husband to not reply so often to her. She has cooked her goose. Realise you and your family are a lot better off without such a person around you.

Imagine if in a few years she spoke to your child like that?

Original poster
Stilldontgetit · 29/08/2022 12:23

Chamomileteaplease · 29/08/2022 11:07

She'll be kicking herself now as she realises she has messed up and jeopardized her relationship with her son.

Did you really not spot any of these traits in her before? She sounds completely mad and it is strange that you used to like her!

I would encourage your husband to not reply so often to her. She has cooked her goose. Realise you and your family are a lot better off without such a person around you.

Imagine if in a few years she spoke to your child like that?

She had been fine 99% of the time there were a couple of subtle digs in the past I can see with hindsight but I get the impression she was venting about me to others in the family and being two faced

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2022 12:31

You don't want an apology from her, it wouldn't mean a thing and would only be given to manipulate both you and your husband.

Carry on as if she doesn't even exist. I'd be telling your husband you do not want to hear a single word about his mother or what is going on in her life. He is free to communicate with her if he wants to, but you don't need to have any part of it.

As for the children, hell would freeze over before I allowed that viper anywhere near them. You don't get to say such vile things about your grandchildren's mother and then still enjoy a relationship with them.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 29/08/2022 12:37

@Stilldontgetit

i can understand why you're upset, but I think you're making a bit more of it than it was. She's upset she's not DH's number 1 or only priority & she's had a huge rant (probably coming from feeling vulnerable & hurt) . Is his Dad not on the scene? Is DH the eldest? Are his siblings female?

it doesn't mean she's been talking about you, or never liked you as a person.

I don't blame you ONE BIT for wanting to put some distance between you.

DH seems to be handling it pretty much ok, but you'd be wise to discuss things like how he's going to handle Christmas etc. HE needs to make it clear he's not at her beck & call at your cost, but it's better done through actions, then words.

im sorry you've been so hurt by the stupid bloody woman!

Natty13 · 29/08/2022 12:38

Stilldontgetit · 29/08/2022 10:20

I think I’m just very hurt and I don’t feel I can just forgive and forget

Sorry but you would be absolutely stupid if you attempted to move on from this. Like someone who touched an electric fence then kept going back to it and wondering why they kept getting shocked.

I guarantee you that the reason you thought you got on fine up until now is because you didn't say no to her before now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread