Is ending it via text ok?

[Nursemammato3]

If he has an unpredictable side.
I tried to end a relationship a few weeks ago as he turned nasty. He was very sorry and I continued contact out of guilt. I don't want to hurt anybody.
Fast forward and 100's of messages since. We only ever message anyway. Never pick up the phone. I tried to end it yesterday but he has made me feel so guilty. We had arranged to meet today. However, over the last few weeks I haven't changed how I feel. Not only that I am actually scared.
I posted here a few weeks ago and had some amazing replies. I should have listened and been firm but I didn't. I wanted to be kind. I thought I was being kind. Now here I am trying to end it still.
He said I am kicking him when he is down. I'm not giving him chance to talk or explain. I'm being unfair ending it via text.
I don't want to see him upset or a lengthy conversation when we have said so much via texting. It's always texting, we never pick up the phone. Again, I agreed to meet. I can't be firm. Now I have had no sleep because I don't want to meet him.

I have ended it and firstly it was just ok. Then he messaged to say you could have told me earlier, I have walked to where we are meeting so you don't have to rush around (as I drive). Its difficult to explain his ways but he gets annoyed and makes out he is always doing something for me. He then said that's it, if you change your mind, I won't be, we are done!
Then another saying this is your fault, it was all arranged.
I'm going to turn my phone off I think.

Just block him now.

Just block him!

If you're scared of him, block him. You don't owe him a meeting. His feelings are not more important than yours.

I'd text him again calmly: it's over. I don't want to see you again. Stop texting me.

Then block him.

Sounds like the relationship was toxic? The Freedom Programme might be helpful to you.

OMG just tell him it’s not working, wish him well, block, delete, and move on. You owe him nothing and his issues are not your problem. Keep his texts though in case he continues bombarding you and you have full evidence of his behaviour – he’s not legally allowed to keep harassing you.

You’ll be fine OP!

He’s guilt tripping you, it’s just emotional manipulation and trying to make you feel indebted to him and serve his needs/wants - ie retain access to you. If he was really thinking of you rather than himself he’d respect your wishes and fuck off quietly. He sounds extremely annoying. I’d block his number so his texts no longer get through to you (although he won’t know he’s blocked). Don’t engage!

Just make sure you keep all of his messages.

I wouldn't block or turn the phone off Just don't reply, but at least you know where's he at. If he starts to say he's coming over, call the police.

be safe & do not give in & meet him!!

That’s a good point actually – better to be aware if he’s working himself up into a froth. Maybe there’s a mute option instead so you don’t get push notifications but can look at a moment that suits you.

OP - glad you’ve done that. You need to work on your shark cage before you do any more dating. Even if he was the nicest guy on the planet, you don’t owe anyone a relationship.

Actually I would block him. He will know it’s an option and he may interpret a failure to block him as a potential in. But OP - you do what feels right to you.

Do not respond to ANY of his messages. I would block him but whatever you do, do not respond. It's done, it's over. Don't have any further contact.

Classic manipulation, been there, best thing you can do is just block him and he will get the message. You should never ever feel scared.

Block his number and block on all social media. This kind of man is literally why the blocking technology was invented.

He won’t be able to see that you have done so.

He’s a bully and a manipulator and an expert on how to control you, you need to end his access to you before he can mess with your head.

I left my ex via text as no matter how many times I told him in person or over the phone he told me it's not, that I'm lucky he puts up with my behaviour as nobody else would. He would get verbally abusive and let slip one night in an argument after I tried to leave him and he talked me out of it, that he had someone checking up on me and reporting back to him what I was doing when I wasn't with him (when I wasn't with him I was with my children) so when he went to sleep, I sent him a long message telling him it was over.. and a few other things to really put the nail in the coffin. I blocked him, went out and bought a new sim, changed my landline and I've never heard from him again.

I know it was extremely childish way to break up with someone but I did what I had to do to get out of the situation. You do what you have to do to get out and keep you safe. Good luck x

Stop engaging.

I posted on your first thread and you were told to stop engaging then. This nonsense has apparently dragged out for several weeks. There is zero reason to continue living like this, so take control of your life, block him and be done. He can complain to his mum.

There is nothing even remotely childish about self preservation and acting in your own interests. Nothing.

This glorification of ‘having it out in person’ and ‘you owe them a conversation’ hugely disadvantages the vulnerable party in any relationship. It opens them up to coercion, guilt tripping and - quite often - physical danger. And, for what exactly? Some antiquated notion that verbal communication is ‘better’ than written? Fuck that.

“There is nothing even remotely childish about self preservation and acting in your own interests. Nothing.

This glorification of ‘having it out in person’ and ‘you owe them a conversation’ hugely disadvantages the vulnerable party in any relationship. It opens them up to coercion, guilt tripping and - quite often - physical danger. And, for what exactly? Some antiquated notion that verbal communication is ‘better’ than written? Fuck that.”

This with a million bells on. What is really better about face to face? Only that it allows dialogue and dialogue isn’t always appropriate or - in this case - safe.

Well done, now you need to back yourself up. Block him on every platform. Be really clear in your own mind why you've done this and be prepared to stick with your decision.

Do not go back to him becase you feel sorry for him. Or he askes you to. Or you are scared of what he will do. Or you are trying to be kind. None of these are good reasons.

Tell a good friend or family member that you trust what's been going on, tell them that you feel scared of him, keep the messages he has sent, if you need to screenshot them and print them off to get them out of your sight then do that.

It might not feel relevant to you, but The Freedom Programme is excellent, and would have some points that might be helpful, you can also access a support worker via Womens Aid, they have a great chat service here

If you can recognise what it is that has left you feeling responsible for his manipulative behaviour and unable to leave against your gut feeling that you needed to, this will help you from being sucked into a similar situation in the future. Sending you strength and some much needed peace, now hopefully he is behind you.

OP - why didn't you block him???? I hope you have by now anyway!

Block him and don't let some little emotionally abusive twat give you anxiety on your phone.

He sounds like he is trying to wear you down till he gets his own way. Fuck that.

I remember this sinister & insidious bloke from your previous thread OP.

This feeling guilty business - drop it!
If you had a favourite plate, something of real sentimental value to you - & in a temper with you, wanting to hurt you, I deliberately smashed it - how would you feel?
When I decided you'd been punished enough & came crawling back with "I'm sooooo sorrrrry" bullshit, tell me this:
Did my apology mend your plate?

This dickwad is horrible to you, you feel unsafe around him, & you DO NOT OWE HIM A MEETING, or a discussion, or closure, or to ever consider his feelings ever again.
You do not need his permission to break up with him!

So please - stop tying yourself up in knots.
Text him "there's no point in meeting, as I won't change my mind. This relationship is not working for me & it is finished. I do not want to stay in touch, so stop messaging me."

If he then messages you again -
"I have asked you to stop messaging me. Contact from you is unwelcome, & if you continue to contact me, the police will view your actions as harassment."

Then block him.
It will feel like a huge step for you.
But once you have done so - the relief & freedom will be immense.
Honestly OP - the law, & morality, is on your side here.
You owe this awful man NOTHING.
Cut him out of your life do The Freedom Programme, read Lundy Bancroft, & spend a lot of time single, just being kind to yourself, while you recover.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

However, he must have sensed that I was distant so I got lots of messages telling me he is lost without me, he's bored, he's not sleeping or eating. He kept saying he was vulnerable.
It's all about him innit. Do you see that, OP?
Not one word of how YOU might be affected, what YOU might be feeling, let alone what YOU want.

I tried to reassure. However, I just know its not going to work. For many reasons. I tried to explain in the message yesterday.
You need to stop reassuring & explaining.
This is why -
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

In short - stop communicating with him 100%.
You don't need permission. You don't need to give reasons.
You do not need to justify, argue, defend or explain yourself.
Can you see how giving him an inch means he grabs the rope & twists it til you give him more?
The ONLY way to end this is to spell it out clearly & coldly in a message, block him, & go to the police if he continues to harass you.

Here's some more exellent resource material - put some time aside to spend browsing this site, you will recognise your ex & his behaviours here -
outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Oh no! It's not on you to feel guilty. Can you imagine basically taking someone hostage to have a relationship with you?!?! Like who would do that?! I'd never want anyone to even meet me for a coffee that didn't want to. It's so horrible. Please just get away from him in the way that is safest for you and keep yourself safe. The description of his behaviour and words makes me scared for you. I hope you are ok.

Its probably me just over thinking and being too sensitive but I just know he won't listen to my reasoning and I will feel sorry for him.

It's nothing of the kind.
You are neither over-thinking of overly sensitive here.
Your intellect & instincts are screaming at you to get away & stay away from thios bloke. Listen to yourself!

This is why you must not attempt to reason with him.
He will twist anything that comes out of your mouth & manipulate your soft heart into being sorry for him.
Feel sorry for yourself instead. And protect yourself - from him, & from abusers like him, by learning from the resources linked upthread.

You can do this OP. Every PP on your thread is gunning for you. You are not alone, you are not wrong, & so many of us have "been there, done that" with men like this, we can all see him for what he is & want you to be free & happy.

Thankyou all.
He has more or less said I have not put his thoughts and feelings first. I didn't give him enough time to prove to me we could move on from what happened a few weeks ago. He said he would go to the ends of the earth to make me feel secure and I'm not making him feel secure in his insecurities about losing me. He would do anything for me no matter how uncertain it made him feel. Now that I'm feeling uncomfortable, I won't put myself through that feeling for him.
A few messages after he has said I'm making a massive mistake and when I realise I have pulled the trigger too early and made a wrong decision, do not go back to him as this is going to hit him hard and he can't go through it again.