I've been seeing someone for 2 years. We hoped to buy a house together soon but things have been going wrong, and this has been getting more frequent the closer we've got. I say closer, I've struggled to get to know her or feel close to her.
In that time a few things have happened that I've found upsetting, involving her being very dismissive of my feelings. She's turned her phone off and gone to bed if I wanted to talk about anything to do with us for example. I developed a physical condition (partially caused by her) which requires her input to help fix, and she refuses to engage with it, we were actually discharged from the treatment because of her refusing which really upsets me as It's me who has to live with it.
She once walked back from an event her friend was hosting, letting me and some others get a lift(not far, and not enough room for all of us). Nice of her of course but I then learned that we weren't going back to hers, everyone was going for a drink at her neighbours. I waited for her to arrive and then got a text saying she'd gone home and gone to bed.
She's done various things that have upset me, but when I try to talk to her about any of it she shuts down. Sometimes I get a mesg afterwards explaining or saying she's sorry but she doesn't know why she behaved like that.
She also doesn't appear to want to know me at all. Says she loves me but if you asked her any manner of things about me I doubt she'd know.
Anyway it came to a bit of a head and she addressed it-said she really does understand why she should have behaved differently and doesn't understand why she didn't. She did some googling and everything pointed toward autism.
The last time I saw her I noticed it more. I found her quite rude to me. At one point I was trying to talk to her about something and she just ignored me. I stopped trying, and went to read a book. She noticed I wasn't happy and I said I'd found her rude for ignoring me and she said I was just annoying her so she didn't say anything because I'd then shut up.
My best friend is autistic. I supported him through his diagnosis and I understand him and who he is. I spoke to him and explained some of what had been going on and he's certain she is autistic from what I've said. He said as an autistic person she won't want to know things about me that an allistic person would. She knows enough to know she loves me already.
He said she won't see that her behaviour is upsetting until It's explained, she won't understand it even when it is.
As for the condition I have, to her, (he says) it's something that caused a problem so to someone with autism, it's best avoided. There will be a 'mental block' there.
He said he struggles in his relationship for similar reasons (in fairness, I did know most of this and have even helped him with it in the past as his wife is lovely), but that he knows he's autistic so he works on it and works out how to manage it for his relationship-my gf won't know. It hasn't been mentioned since the first time she looked things up.
Of course I know that people with autism aren't a homogenous group, and I am sure some people may say 'I'm autistic but I wouldn't ignore someone/dismiss their feelings/ turn my phone off' but there must be similarities for autism to be a 'thing' at all.
I am heartbroken really. For her and for me. For her because she's so lovely, and I know that if she does seek a diagnosis (or even if she doesn't but just explores it herself) she'll have a lot of unpicking to do, will have been masking who she is all of her life, and it'll be upsetting for her. I will obviously support her through it.
For me, because although I now understand why our relationship has had so many problems, and it is a relief that she cannot help it rather than she doesn't care about me, I just don't think it can work long-term. I was already thinking along these lines due to her treatment of me ,but I had a glimmer of hope for change and now I know that's impossible. I am so sad. I wish I'd have realised this early on, and looking back some signs were there (sensory issues and tendencies to want everything done orderly and regimented) but none of those mean much, It's only when I've looked at the whole picture now and It's clear.
Please don't get me wrong, I am obviously not against anyone with autism at all, I love my friend like a brother and I know other people who have autism too who I hold in high regard, I just don't think I can be in a romantic relationship with someone who has autism. It isn't working, clearly. I will be perpetually heartbroken.
How can I support her through it?
And has this happened to anyone else, did you find a way to make it work?
Gf has no idea how I am feeling. She doesn't know that I've realised over the last few days that there's such a high probability, rather than it just being 'Hmm maybe I am that'.
My friend said to tell her over text as she'll find it more difficult to process any other way, that I am sure she is autistic and that I will support her. I don't know.