In that time a few things have happened that I've found upsetting, involving her being very dismissive of my feelings. How so? People with autism (pwa) quite often have more empathy than NTs. Dismissing feelings is an abusive trait.
She's turned her phone off and gone to bed if I wanted to talk about anything to do with us for example. Stonewalling, abusive.
I developed a physical condition (partially caused by her) which requires her input to help fix, and she refuses to engage with it, we were actually discharged from the treatment because of her refusing which really upsets me as It's me who has to live with it. Abusive.
She once walked back from an event her friend was hosting, letting me and some others get a lift(not far, and not enough room for all of us). Nice of her of course but I then learned that we weren't going back to hers, everyone was going for a drink at her neighbours. I waited for her to arrive and then got a text saying she'd gone home and gone to bed. Ok this could be autism - having had enough of socialising, but could also be trying to make you look silly in front of others, could be trying to punish you, both abusive.
She's done various things that have upset me, but when I try to talk to her about any of it she shuts down. Sometimes I get a mesg afterwards explaining or saying she's sorry but she doesn't know why she behaved like that. She doesnt care about your feelings, abusive. Not taking responsibility for her actions.
She also doesn't appear to want to know me at all. Says she loves me but if you asked her any manner of things about me I doubt she'd know. Self centered.
Anyway it came to a bit of a head and she addressed it-said she really does understand why she should have behaved differently and doesn't understand why she didn't. Keeping you sweet to prolong the cycle of abuse. I believe it's called hoovering.
She did some googling and everything pointed toward autism. Hmm. Those online questionnaires are pretty easy to fix. And if she's autistic, then thats a reason she cant possibly change her behaviour, so you'll just have to put up with it, or you dont really love her, do you?
The last time I saw her I noticed it more. I found her quite rude to me. At one point I was trying to talk to her about something and she just ignored me. I stopped trying, and went to read a book. She noticed I wasn't happy and I said I'd found her rude for ignoring me and she said I was just annoying her so she didn't say anything because I'd then shut up. Stonewalling, abusive. Blaming you for her actions, abusive.
My best friend is autistic. I supported him through his diagnosis and I understand him and who he is. I spoke to him and explained some of what had been going on and he's certain she is autistic from what I've said. He said as an autistic person she won't want to know things about me that an allistic person would. She knows enough to know she loves me already. Not buying this. True, she might be more interested in other aspects of your personality, but she just sounds thoroughly uninterested.
He said she won't see that her behaviour is upsetting until It's explained, she won't understand it even when it is. Also true of some autistics, but also a trait of narcisism. Interesting use og 'wont' rather than cant dont you think?
As for the condition I have, to her, (he says) it's something that caused a problem so to someone with autism, it's best avoided. There will be a 'mental block' there. I dont understand what this could be, but of all the PWA I know, they would never intentionally inflict suffering on someone they love, and would be GUTTED to think that they were responsible for doing so.
He said he struggles in his relationship for similar reasons (in fairness, I did know most of this and have even helped him with it in the past as his wife is lovely), but that he knows he's autistic so he works on it and works out how to manage it for his relationship-my gf won't know. It hasn't been mentioned since the first time she looked things up. Ok so he has enough self awareness to figure this stuff out, and she isnt interested in changing anything, despite your pleas.
Of course I know that people with autism aren't a homogenous group, and I am sure some people may say 'I'm autistic but I wouldn't ignore someone/dismiss their feelings/ turn my phone off' but there must be similarities for autism to be a 'thing' at all. Yes the triad of autism is a thing, but frankly I'm not seeing it from what you've put.
I am heartbroken really. For her and for me. For her because she's so lovely, and I know that if she does seek a diagnosis (or even if she doesn't but just explores it herself) she'll have a lot of unpicking to do, will have been masking who she is all of her life, and it'll be upsetting for her. I will obviously support her through it. Why? You are not a therapy dog, it is not your responsibility to rescue her. She doesnt sound lovely - maybe she was in the beginning, that's called love bombing, also an abusive tactic to reel you in. She is not interested in pursuing diagnosis or changing in anyway shape or form, or she would be on a waiting list for assessment, and reading a fuck ton of books. You are flogging a dead horse.
For me, because although I now understand why our relationship has had so many problems, and it is a relief that she cannot help it rather than she doesn't care about me, I just don't think it can work long-term. I'm with you on that. I was already thinking along these lines due to her treatment of me ,but I had a glimmer of hope for change and now I know that's impossible. I am so sad. I wish I'd have realised this early on, and looking back some signs were there (sensory issues and tendencies to want everything done orderly and regimented) but none of those mean much, It's only when I've looked at the whole picture now and It's clear. Hmm I see a bit more autism there, but that could be lots of things. But why do you want to stay in a relationship that's had lots of problems?
Please don't get me wrong, I am obviously not against anyone with autism at all, got it, but you sound a bit misguided tbh I love my friend like a brother and I know other people who have autism too who I hold in high regard, I just don't think I can be in a romantic relationship with someone who has autism. or fucking bitchism It isn't working, clearly. I will be perpetually heartbroken. Honestly you sound genuinely lovely, and loving, so I really hope this isn't true.
How can I support her through it? You can't, youve already told us that she refuses to engage.
And has this happened to anyone else, did you find a way to make it work?
Gf has no idea how I am feeling. She doesn't know that I've realised over the last few days that there's such a high probability, rather than it just being 'Hmm maybe I am that'. I just think it's a hoovering technique. It very quickly becomes 'oh I cant do abc because I have autism so you have to xyz. A very convienient get out clause. Oh I cant be held responsible for my actions because I have autism.
My friend said to tell her over text as she'll find it more difficult to process any other way, possibly true, but youve already had discussions, so why bother? that I am sure she is autistic and that I will support her. Youre not a clinical psychologist, so you cant know, and supporting her isnt your job. I don't know. For the love of god, leave this awful relationship and find someone who loves you. Yes relationships have ups and downs but there shouldnt be problem after problem after problem in the first 2 years! This should be honeymoon period!