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Original poster

My boyfriend lusted over other women

72 replies

anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:03

Hi everyone, it's my first time posting here (or anywhere) about this topic. I've never been too keen on forums but I have no one to talk to about this and I really need an advice/a new set of eyes. I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 20. We've been together for 3 and a half years, we've been very mature about the relationship and it was only getting better. We communicate our problems and feelings the correct way. Now, my stance on a s/o looking at pictures of other women and doing his ..thing.. to them isn't the best. I was never trying to be controlling but I'd ask him kindly if he could unfollow girls that he didn't know/spoke to. However, a specific girl was in his searches on Instagram yesterday and my heart sank. I already knew what it meant. The same girl he unfollowed 3 years ago. He remembered her user, searched it up, did his thing. I immediately started crying while he was just there..looking at me helplessly. After we both calmed down I tried to get any answer out of him, but I'm not sure if I should trust what he says. There was a time when I saw random Reddit nudes on his phone while he was scrolling through his gallery, hurt me a lot but I gave him a chance. But this to me is different, this is a real person that he could go and meet or talk to, this isn't a celeb or a pornstar..His explanation was that after our argument a few days ago, he was stressed and needed to do it, he said it was a dumb thing to do and that he felt gross and awful immediately after along with other sappy things he wanted me to hear. I'm not sure why some men do that, or if they even do. Is this a valid explanation or am I overreacting? The thing that bugs the most is that he has a whole folder of my pictures, and even if he didn't want to look at me then he could've used porn or a celeb, not someone so easily available to him. The girl doesn't look anything like me, in my opinion she's prettier, has a better body, bigger boobs and everything that men would generally find hot. I'm glad I'm not in a situation where he actually went and did something physical with someone (but now I can't be sure he didn't already without telling me) but this still bugs me so much that I don't know if I should stay. My confidence is gone, my trust and feelings towards him have completely changed, I see him and I feel disgusted, I don't know if I'll ever be able to kiss him or be intimate with him again knowing what I know now. All I think about is him looking at her face and getting off to it, and that's the worst part, it was JUST her face. He said he hates himself for it, feels disgusted and feels like throwing up. He showered me with what seem to be genuine compliments, everything that he loves about me, every detail. He said many comforting things since then but after multiple chances I gave him I don't know if I should believe that. I don't want to get hurt again. We had boundaries, he knew every single one, he knew how much I hated people that do that, he knew how much it would hurt me if he did that, he knew it all. If I accidentally didn't see his search bar, I wouldn't know. He wouldn't tell me. He didn't care until he got caught. He didn't deny it but he also didn't say unless it happened. He says it will never happen again because he feels disgusted with himself. He says he doesn't want me to leave, he doesn't want anyone else in his life, he said he wants to see how I'm doing every day, see me laugh and smile and hear my voice. This is such a hard decision to make since we've basically grown up together through our toughest times. I really don't want to hurt myself more, I can understand finding other girls hot, I find other men and women hot too!! Of course! But I just can't understand having a specific person in your head for three years and getting off to them while you have a whole girlfriend you have pictures of, who you supposedly love and don't want to lose.. Any eye opening advice would be awesome..:(

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 28/08/2022 23:07

Yes, I think wanking off repeatedly over the same person is a bit more than just doing it when accidentally stimulated by all the hyper-erotic stuff we are surrounded by nowadays.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2022 23:13

His explanation was that after our argument a few days ago, he was stressed and needed to do it

Oh right... So it's basically your fault, someone's fault, but not his fault.

Op, you have outgrown him. You are just 19 and have your entire life ahead of you. Don't trap yourself with the sunk cost fallacy. Investing more of your life into this relationship will only result in wasted years you will never get back. You are not defined by this relationship, and it isn't working for you.

Original poster
anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:13

Yeah...It just can't be a mistake:/

OP posts:
Original poster
anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:16

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2022 23:13

His explanation was that after our argument a few days ago, he was stressed and needed to do it

Oh right... So it's basically your fault, someone's fault, but not his fault.

Op, you have outgrown him. You are just 19 and have your entire life ahead of you. Don't trap yourself with the sunk cost fallacy. Investing more of your life into this relationship will only result in wasted years you will never get back. You are not defined by this relationship, and it isn't working for you.

Thank you so much! This is gonna be a hard one and It'll take some time, gotta put yourself first sometimes..

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 28/08/2022 23:18

Yes it is, but you seem to know what his searches are in insta, so clearly investigating his phone. Yes, I understand why, but if you need to invade privacy to find the evidence, and you are proved right, the next step should be to end it, rather than keep snooping as its all got to a dysfunctional level.
You know your boundaries, so instead of policing someone's insta and saying who they can/ can't follow, just don't date someone who follows scantily clad women on insta, because that's the type of person you should avoid from the start.

DustinsHat · 28/08/2022 23:19

Ah OP. Whilst I do feel for you, I don't think the relationship is as mature as you think. It reminds me a bit of how I was with my first long term boyfriend - a bit too jealous and controlling while I learned how to be in a relationship really.

Whilst there's no doubt that wanking over random friends (I think it is?) is grim, looking at his search history and tackling him about his wanking habits is controlling and is bound to be embarrassing for you both?

Some things are private and masturbation is one of them. Most people haven't a clue what their partners look at or think about what they're masturbating. You can't force him to wank over what you want him to wank over. All you can do is decide whether you want to be with him based on what you now know. If I were in your shoes I would probably end it.

Opentooffers · 28/08/2022 23:20

I mean walking off to the same person, if you know them is off.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2022 23:20

My kids are in their mid-twenties, and 19 is such an amazing age, op. You have the world at your feet and you can go in any direction you choose to. It would be tragic for you to squander this time of your life in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. The man you see now is very likely who he will be for life. He certainly doesn't seem to appreciate or respect you. You deserve far better.

Original poster
anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:25

Opentooffers · 28/08/2022 23:18

Yes it is, but you seem to know what his searches are in insta, so clearly investigating his phone. Yes, I understand why, but if you need to invade privacy to find the evidence, and you are proved right, the next step should be to end it, rather than keep snooping as its all got to a dysfunctional level.
You know your boundaries, so instead of policing someone's insta and saying who they can/ can't follow, just don't date someone who follows scantily clad women on insta, because that's the type of person you should avoid from the start.

I actually didn't go snooping. I didn't even have his phone in my hand. He was sitting next to me and I was showing him an Instagram of a musician I found that he liked. Told him his user and he went to type it in. I saw a familiar pfp and asked what was it. He tilted his phone, said it was nothing, and I immediately knew something was up, only then I took his phone and looked.Long story short I never ever demanded to go through his phone, everything I ever found was him being too obvious.

OP posts:
orbitalcrisis · 28/08/2022 23:28

I really don't see the problem. He fancies her, he fantasises about her, I don't see the problem. If he doesn't know her then it's just that, pure fantasy. Don't see the difference between that and a 'proper' celebrity. It's just a picture.

Everyone is a bit self conscious at your age but you are being very controlling and shaming. He shouldn't be ashamed to wank while thinking of any adult he likes and you shouldn't be ashamed to say wank or masturbate. Do you fantasises about anyone else when you masturbate?

Original poster
anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:29

DustinsHat · 28/08/2022 23:19

Ah OP. Whilst I do feel for you, I don't think the relationship is as mature as you think. It reminds me a bit of how I was with my first long term boyfriend - a bit too jealous and controlling while I learned how to be in a relationship really.

Whilst there's no doubt that wanking over random friends (I think it is?) is grim, looking at his search history and tackling him about his wanking habits is controlling and is bound to be embarrassing for you both?

Some things are private and masturbation is one of them. Most people haven't a clue what their partners look at or think about what they're masturbating. You can't force him to wank over what you want him to wank over. All you can do is decide whether you want to be with him based on what you now know. If I were in your shoes I would probably end it.

And while I do agree with a lot of that, the fact that he said he felt grossed out and awful for doing that to me tells me that it was something more than just getting off. But idk, you could be right.

OP posts:
Original poster
anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:32

orbitalcrisis · 28/08/2022 23:28

I really don't see the problem. He fancies her, he fantasises about her, I don't see the problem. If he doesn't know her then it's just that, pure fantasy. Don't see the difference between that and a 'proper' celebrity. It's just a picture.

Everyone is a bit self conscious at your age but you are being very controlling and shaming. He shouldn't be ashamed to wank while thinking of any adult he likes and you shouldn't be ashamed to say wank or masturbate. Do you fantasises about anyone else when you masturbate?

I don't know, that feels off. I don't fantasize about anyone, just porn, just nameless bodies, no one that I could go to and slip up irl. It's just weird from a woman's perspective.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 28/08/2022 23:32

If I accidentally didn't see his search bar, I wouldn't know. He wouldn't tell me. He didn't care until he got caught

Im a bit confused - you just saw the search history and from that you can tell that he was wanking over a particular person? The whole thing is way, way too intense and over the top for me ( but 19 is a long time ago for me) . It’s all drama. You can’t control what people think about or look at when they masturbate… you can introduce all the ground rules you want but ultimately it’s private. If you don’t like it you need to break up but don’t try and force some promise that’s never going to be kept.

Original poster
anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:33

Divebar2021 · 28/08/2022 23:32

If I accidentally didn't see his search bar, I wouldn't know. He wouldn't tell me. He didn't care until he got caught

Im a bit confused - you just saw the search history and from that you can tell that he was wanking over a particular person? The whole thing is way, way too intense and over the top for me ( but 19 is a long time ago for me) . It’s all drama. You can’t control what people think about or look at when they masturbate… you can introduce all the ground rules you want but ultimately it’s private. If you don’t like it you need to break up but don’t try and force some promise that’s never going to be kept.

I didn't know from just that, he told me himself. I had my doubts about it because he was doing it before, it happened again and I knew whats up, his confession is when I REALLY knew.

OP posts:
Original poster
anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:36

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2022 23:20

My kids are in their mid-twenties, and 19 is such an amazing age, op. You have the world at your feet and you can go in any direction you choose to. It would be tragic for you to squander this time of your life in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. The man you see now is very likely who he will be for life. He certainly doesn't seem to appreciate or respect you. You deserve far better.

Thank you!!:) It's just so hard to leave someone who admits/shows their guilt and is vulnerable after the fact. You never really know what they're capable of and it sucks:(

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 28/08/2022 23:37

anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:29

And while I do agree with a lot of that, the fact that he said he felt grossed out and awful for doing that to me tells me that it was something more than just getting off. But idk, you could be right.

Show quote history

He said he felt grossed out and awful because he was being shamed. He made the appropriate "I am ashamed" noises that you expected. He may not be actually ashamed at all, but realises this is what you want to hear, or he may be ashamed because of the shaming, but not actually seeing anything wrong with what he was doing.

I do not think this is a very mature relationship and that there is a real need for caution to prevent it becoming an unhealthy one.

Divebar2021 · 28/08/2022 23:38

Confession? Seriously if my DH queried why I searched up “random person” I’d be tempted to ask what the relevance was to him. I don’t need to discuss my masturbation fantasies with anyone. Women are not a homogeneous mass and we do not all think the same. Your thoughts and fantasies are just yours alone.

Mariokartedoff · 28/08/2022 23:43

I can't believe that he actually admitted to wanking over photos of someone on instagram. Surely you'd just say it was some woman from work. He's either a bit dim or this isn't true.

Original poster
anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:47

Divebar2021 · 28/08/2022 23:38

Confession? Seriously if my DH queried why I searched up “random person” I’d be tempted to ask what the relevance was to him. I don’t need to discuss my masturbation fantasies with anyone. Women are not a homogeneous mass and we do not all think the same. Your thoughts and fantasies are just yours alone.

Don't these things lead to physical cheating ?It's someone he easily can go to, and already lusts over, why not just go to the next best thing and break up with your current partner? Most women would rather be broken up with than lied to. I don't think this is a male thing, some men can't get enough of their s/o and don't feel the need to look the other way.

OP posts:
orbitalcrisis · 28/08/2022 23:52

I'm in my 40s, so have always tended to just use my imagination! Had no idea women watching porn was now mainstream, i find it quite off putting. I would rather chose my own fantasy than watch someone else's.

Unless he actually knows her, it's no more likely he'd meet her than a porn star so I don't see the difference.

Original poster
anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:54

Snugglemonkey · 28/08/2022 23:37

He said he felt grossed out and awful because he was being shamed. He made the appropriate "I am ashamed" noises that you expected. He may not be actually ashamed at all, but realises this is what you want to hear, or he may be ashamed because of the shaming, but not actually seeing anything wrong with what he was doing.

I do not think this is a very mature relationship and that there is a real need for caution to prevent it becoming an unhealthy one.

Show quote history

Shamed? There was a boundary he knew about. He wasn't shamed. I don't think me being hurt and expressing my feelings at that moment was me shaming him. He could've pulled a 360 and instead laugh at me, or pretend he doesn't care at all, but he didn't. It's so much easier to break up if the boundary of the relationship doesn't fit your needs.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 28/08/2022 23:57

anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:47

Don't these things lead to physical cheating ?It's someone he easily can go to, and already lusts over, why not just go to the next best thing and break up with your current partner? Most women would rather be broken up with than lied to. I don't think this is a male thing, some men can't get enough of their s/o and don't feel the need to look the other way.

Show quote history

It is entirely normal and natural to think about and fantasise about other people and to wank to those thoughts. No, it does not lead to physical cheating unless that person is ok with being a cheater anyway. Fantasy and reality are very different things.

Actually, a rich fantasy life is a good predictor of a good sex life with a partner.

Original poster
anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:57

orbitalcrisis · 28/08/2022 23:52

I'm in my 40s, so have always tended to just use my imagination! Had no idea women watching porn was now mainstream, i find it quite off putting. I would rather chose my own fantasy than watch someone else's.

Unless he actually knows her, it's no more likely he'd meet her than a porn star so I don't see the difference.

She lives in a city he frequently goes to, she hangs out with the same alternative groups of people he has some correlation to. I'd feel so much better about everything if the circumstances were a bit different

OP posts:
Original poster
anan302 · 29/08/2022 00:00

Snugglemonkey · 28/08/2022 23:57

It is entirely normal and natural to think about and fantasise about other people and to wank to those thoughts. No, it does not lead to physical cheating unless that person is ok with being a cheater anyway. Fantasy and reality are very different things.

Actually, a rich fantasy life is a good predictor of a good sex life with a partner.

Show quote history

That's good to hear, never had experience with any of this so thank you for your input! I don't know if he would ever physically do something and that's a lot to think about. I wish you'd just know these things for sure.. Don't want to set myself up for failure when and if it happens.

OP posts:
orbitalcrisis · 29/08/2022 00:04

Those are very tenuous 'links'. I bet several porn stars and celebrities live in that city too and hang out with people you or him have a correlation to. I think you may be going a little ott about this. He's with you, he loves you. Maybe back off a bit or it might be time to move on.