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Original poster

My boyfriend lusted over other women

72 replies

anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:03

Hi everyone, it's my first time posting here (or anywhere) about this topic. I've never been too keen on forums but I have no one to talk to about this and I really need an advice/a new set of eyes. I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 20. We've been together for 3 and a half years, we've been very mature about the relationship and it was only getting better. We communicate our problems and feelings the correct way. Now, my stance on a s/o looking at pictures of other women and doing his ..thing.. to them isn't the best. I was never trying to be controlling but I'd ask him kindly if he could unfollow girls that he didn't know/spoke to. However, a specific girl was in his searches on Instagram yesterday and my heart sank. I already knew what it meant. The same girl he unfollowed 3 years ago. He remembered her user, searched it up, did his thing. I immediately started crying while he was just there..looking at me helplessly. After we both calmed down I tried to get any answer out of him, but I'm not sure if I should trust what he says. There was a time when I saw random Reddit nudes on his phone while he was scrolling through his gallery, hurt me a lot but I gave him a chance. But this to me is different, this is a real person that he could go and meet or talk to, this isn't a celeb or a pornstar..His explanation was that after our argument a few days ago, he was stressed and needed to do it, he said it was a dumb thing to do and that he felt gross and awful immediately after along with other sappy things he wanted me to hear. I'm not sure why some men do that, or if they even do. Is this a valid explanation or am I overreacting? The thing that bugs the most is that he has a whole folder of my pictures, and even if he didn't want to look at me then he could've used porn or a celeb, not someone so easily available to him. The girl doesn't look anything like me, in my opinion she's prettier, has a better body, bigger boobs and everything that men would generally find hot. I'm glad I'm not in a situation where he actually went and did something physical with someone (but now I can't be sure he didn't already without telling me) but this still bugs me so much that I don't know if I should stay. My confidence is gone, my trust and feelings towards him have completely changed, I see him and I feel disgusted, I don't know if I'll ever be able to kiss him or be intimate with him again knowing what I know now. All I think about is him looking at her face and getting off to it, and that's the worst part, it was JUST her face. He said he hates himself for it, feels disgusted and feels like throwing up. He showered me with what seem to be genuine compliments, everything that he loves about me, every detail. He said many comforting things since then but after multiple chances I gave him I don't know if I should believe that. I don't want to get hurt again. We had boundaries, he knew every single one, he knew how much I hated people that do that, he knew how much it would hurt me if he did that, he knew it all. If I accidentally didn't see his search bar, I wouldn't know. He wouldn't tell me. He didn't care until he got caught. He didn't deny it but he also didn't say unless it happened. He says it will never happen again because he feels disgusted with himself. He says he doesn't want me to leave, he doesn't want anyone else in his life, he said he wants to see how I'm doing every day, see me laugh and smile and hear my voice. This is such a hard decision to make since we've basically grown up together through our toughest times. I really don't want to hurt myself more, I can understand finding other girls hot, I find other men and women hot too!! Of course! But I just can't understand having a specific person in your head for three years and getting off to them while you have a whole girlfriend you have pictures of, who you supposedly love and don't want to lose.. Any eye opening advice would be awesome..:(

OP posts:
Original poster
anan302 · 29/08/2022 00:08

orbitalcrisis · 29/08/2022 00:04

Those are very tenuous 'links'. I bet several porn stars and celebrities live in that city too and hang out with people you or him have a correlation to. I think you may be going a little ott about this. He's with you, he loves you. Maybe back off a bit or it might be time to move on.

Well, I can't say I don't feel a bit lighter after reading some of these answers. It did open my eyes since it's from a more subjective perspective. Thank you for your time!

OP posts:
PastMidnight · 29/08/2022 00:10

anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:47

Don't these things lead to physical cheating ?It's someone he easily can go to, and already lusts over, why not just go to the next best thing and break up with your current partner? Most women would rather be broken up with than lied to. I don't think this is a male thing, some men can't get enough of their s/o and don't feel the need to look the other way.

Show quote history

"Don't these things lead to physical cheating ?"

No, hon. But I do remember having those same confused feelings at your age when the realisation hits that your body is not the only one your man can be attracted to. It's a part of life's steep learning curve and it hurts. I also think women in particular are much more programmed to think in terms of star-crossed lovers, i.e. there's only one man for us and he should only ever be attracted to one woman in his life.

Your guy is also still young and finding his way. All of these issues are things he's also learning about.

I agree with other posters that what he gets off on is his business. There's no correlation with cheating unless that was going to happen for different reasons. If I were you, I'd back off and try to stop seeing this as some kind of insult. It's not.

GrumpyPanda · 29/08/2022 00:14

"The thing that bugs the most is that he has a whole folder of my pictures, and even if he didn't want to look at me then he could've used porn or a celeb, not someone so easily available to him."

For the love of God, OP, please tell us these aren't nude pics you're talking about. Really really bad idea, and even if you discount the risks, are you truly saying you want your own pics to be used as wank fodder? In your place I'd rather he used some centerfold tbh.

Original poster
anan302 · 29/08/2022 00:19

GrumpyPanda · 29/08/2022 00:14

"The thing that bugs the most is that he has a whole folder of my pictures, and even if he didn't want to look at me then he could've used porn or a celeb, not someone so easily available to him."

For the love of God, OP, please tell us these aren't nude pics you're talking about. Really really bad idea, and even if you discount the risks, are you truly saying you want your own pics to be used as wank fodder? In your place I'd rather he used some centerfold tbh.

They are nude pics:/ But considering how close we are and the person he is, I never felt bad about him having that. I thought if he was truly attracted to me and still wanted me for all that I am he would use just that. He says he does but for this one "he didn't think about until he finished".

OP posts:
JessesMum777888 · 29/08/2022 00:19

You are younger than my eldest daughter , please go and live your best life x

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2022 00:25

They are nude pics:/ But considering how close we are and the person he is, I never felt bad about him having that.

Don't ever give nude pics again. It turns out you can't fully trust him, and who knows what he will do with those pictures.

You should want more for yourself than this relationship has to offer.

Original poster
anan302 · 29/08/2022 00:27

PastMidnight · 29/08/2022 00:10

"Don't these things lead to physical cheating ?"

No, hon. But I do remember having those same confused feelings at your age when the realisation hits that your body is not the only one your man can be attracted to. It's a part of life's steep learning curve and it hurts. I also think women in particular are much more programmed to think in terms of star-crossed lovers, i.e. there's only one man for us and he should only ever be attracted to one woman in his life.

Your guy is also still young and finding his way. All of these issues are things he's also learning about.

I agree with other posters that what he gets off on is his business. There's no correlation with cheating unless that was going to happen for different reasons. If I were you, I'd back off and try to stop seeing this as some kind of insult. It's not.

Show quote history

It's a weird thing, I know he's definitely attracted to other women, I too find both women and men attractive, even that girl he was looking at, she's very pretty, that's a normal thing and it was never a problem.

But because I don't and can't look at someones face pics and get off to them it makes me feel like there's something more to what he's doing. I can't imagine how that can ever be enough.And how can it not feel weird..

I never considered that being attracted to someone can go as far as jerking off to their very vague instagram pics. When I come across a good looking man I never get the urge to put my hand down my pants and get to it, I acknowledge it and move on.

OP posts:
Original poster
anan302 · 29/08/2022 00:28

JessesMum777888 · 29/08/2022 00:19

You are younger than my eldest daughter , please go and live your best life x

That's very sweet of you:) Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
anan302 · 29/08/2022 00:29

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2022 00:25

They are nude pics:/ But considering how close we are and the person he is, I never felt bad about him having that.

Don't ever give nude pics again. It turns out you can't fully trust him, and who knows what he will do with those pictures.

You should want more for yourself than this relationship has to offer.

I've definitely considered doing just that!

OP posts:
PastMidnight · 29/08/2022 00:32

anan302 · 29/08/2022 00:27

It's a weird thing, I know he's definitely attracted to other women, I too find both women and men attractive, even that girl he was looking at, she's very pretty, that's a normal thing and it was never a problem.

But because I don't and can't look at someones face pics and get off to them it makes me feel like there's something more to what he's doing. I can't imagine how that can ever be enough.And how can it not feel weird..

I never considered that being attracted to someone can go as far as jerking off to their very vague instagram pics. When I come across a good looking man I never get the urge to put my hand down my pants and get to it, I acknowledge it and move on.

Show quote history

I think you're making the mistake of assuming that what you find exciting or stimulating, he will too. Even people of the same gender have a massively broad range of fantasies so imagine how different it will be between genders.

Original poster
anan302 · 29/08/2022 00:36

PastMidnight · 29/08/2022 00:32

I think you're making the mistake of assuming that what you find exciting or stimulating, he will too. Even people of the same gender have a massively broad range of fantasies so imagine how different it will be between genders.

Show quote history

Well, I guess that's true.

OP posts:
Yukkityyak · 29/08/2022 01:36

There’s plenty of women who are not ok with their partners wanking over random womens pics . You are entitled to your feelings and it’s totally reasonable yo not want to be with someone who does this . There ARE men who don’t and no , they are not all gay
don’t let anyone patronise you and make out your age is the only reason you feel this way . Plenty of women find it disrespectful behaviour
ALWAYS always trust your feelings , they are your inner guidance

Yukkityyak · 29/08/2022 01:40

Snugglemonkey · 28/08/2022 23:57

It is entirely normal and natural to think about and fantasise about other people and to wank to those thoughts. No, it does not lead to physical cheating unless that person is ok with being a cheater anyway. Fantasy and reality are very different things.

Actually, a rich fantasy life is a good predictor of a good sex life with a partner.

Show quote history
  • not in the case where one persons fantasies involve walking over ransoms and it hurts the other partner
this will not improve the couples sex life
HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 29/08/2022 04:26

I think whether or not the photos are ok is a bit of a red herring. It shouldn't be so hard so early in a relationship, or when you're so young. This is meant to be the fun and exciting bit. Honestly I'd just move on!

YouAreNotBatman · 29/08/2022 06:55

anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:36

Thank you!!:) It's just so hard to leave someone who admits/shows their guilt and is vulnerable after the fact. You never really know what they're capable of and it sucks:(

Show quote history

He’s just sorry he got caught.
That’s all there is to it.
He knew your views, he did anyway and now is crying/ ”showing remorse”, so you don’t leave, and he doesn’t have to go out and find someone else to have sex with him.

Cornflakegirll · 29/08/2022 07:03

Plenty of women would not be ok with this OP! As you grow and date more you decide on your boundaries, they’re yours and you’re entitled to them, you don’t have to think this is ok if it doesn’t feel right FOR YOU.

I totally agree with @YouAreNotBatman, he KNEW that this particular girl was an issue for you and chose to seek out her to get his rocks off. He broke a boundary for you. He’s now twisting that with the comment about being ‘upset with you and stressed’.

He’s broken your trust, tbh your 19, this is a lot of stress for 19!

YouAreNotBatman · 29/08/2022 07:05

Op, does the nudes he have from you include your face or something identifiable?

I don’t want to scare you too much, but sharing and revenge porn is rife, so whatever you’re going to do about relationship, please, ask him to delete the pictures.
From folders/phone/trash/cloud/whatever.
Stay safe!

Snugglemonkey · 29/08/2022 08:44

Yukkityyak · 29/08/2022 01:40

  • not in the case where one persons fantasies involve walking over ransoms and it hurts the other partner
this will not improve the couples sex life
Show quote history

I disagree. If the OP chills out a bit and adjusts her narrative so that she is not seeking to control her partner's wanking habits, that would absolutely be beneficial to their sex lives.

If the shame is gone, the couple can share fantasies, perhaps engage in them and have an open and exploratory sex life. This would be mutually beneficial. If there cannot be open discussion, everything is shame loaded etc, this stifles things and is more likely to end in crap, boring sex.

Yukkityyak · 29/08/2022 09:17

Snugglemonkey · 29/08/2022 08:44

I disagree. If the OP chills out a bit and adjusts her narrative so that she is not seeking to control her partner's wanking habits, that would absolutely be beneficial to their sex lives.

If the shame is gone, the couple can share fantasies, perhaps engage in them and have an open and exploratory sex life. This would be mutually beneficial. If there cannot be open discussion, everything is shame loaded etc, this stifles things and is more likely to end in crap, boring sex.

Show quote history

So you of the mind that all women should be fine with porn huh
ehat education or knowledge do you have of tr abuse of women and girls in porn? Revenge porn , coercion it even anal injuries where women are ending up with fecal incontinance after working in the industry
the reality is that many of us are not fine with it as it had huge ethical issues
its got zero to do with trying to control a partners ranking habits as you put it
porn and wanking are two different things and believe it our not people are capable of ranking without using porn
many women don’t give a damn if their partners rank but do care very much if they support the porn industry
how does a person watching porn know for sure they arnt watching non congenital porn ( revenge porn against women being a huge problem ) how do they know the woman isn’t coerced or even over age of consent
you have zero right to tell women they have to accept porn
if a man wants to use porn and have a relationship then he needs to have a relationship with a woman who’s ok with him using it

Yukkityyak · 29/08/2022 09:22

. This would be mutually beneficial. If there cannot be open discussion, everything is shame loaded etc, this stifles things and is more likely to end in crap, boring sex.

and there are also women who beyond ethical reasons may have person reasons for not liking porn . THAT IS THEIR RIGHT . They cannot and should not be expected to stay in relationships
with men who use it

ehat you suggests works if both partners like it but many women don’t find a sex life where a man is supporting the porn industry , getting off to other women enhances their sex life at all … it kills all desire and makes them lose respect for the man .
perosnally if feel quite sorry for someone who feels they NEED porn to have a sex life that’s not boring .

are you a woman . If you are I’d assume you would understand that even if it doesn’t apply to you personally

Snugglemonkey · 29/08/2022 11:10

Yukkityyak · 29/08/2022 09:17

So you of the mind that all women should be fine with porn huh
ehat education or knowledge do you have of tr abuse of women and girls in porn? Revenge porn , coercion it even anal injuries where women are ending up with fecal incontinance after working in the industry
the reality is that many of us are not fine with it as it had huge ethical issues
its got zero to do with trying to control a partners ranking habits as you put it
porn and wanking are two different things and believe it our not people are capable of ranking without using porn
many women don’t give a damn if their partners rank but do care very much if they support the porn industry
how does a person watching porn know for sure they arnt watching non congenital porn ( revenge porn against women being a huge problem ) how do they know the woman isn’t coerced or even over age of consent
you have zero right to tell women they have to accept porn
if a man wants to use porn and have a relationship then he needs to have a relationship with a woman who’s ok with him using it

Show quote history

Firstly, we are not even discussing porn here. You have taken things that direction.

Secondly, I know plenty thank you. I am a qualified sex therapist.

Thirdly, even if this was about porn, there are many ways to access ethical porn.

PastMidnight · 29/08/2022 11:19

Snugglemonkey · 29/08/2022 11:10

Firstly, we are not even discussing porn here. You have taken things that direction.

Secondly, I know plenty thank you. I am a qualified sex therapist.

Thirdly, even if this was about porn, there are many ways to access ethical porn.

Show quote history

I’m glad you said that, Snuggemonkey. I thought I was reading a different thread!

Pinkdelight3 · 29/08/2022 11:33

I thought if he was truly attracted to me and still wanted me for all that I am he would use just that.

That's very sweet (as much as a file of nude pix for potential wank fodder can be) but very naive about the nature of arousal, fantasy, masturbation and so on. You can't be everything to him, and are even less likely to be so having been together from such a young age and presumably never being with anyone else. Minds are likely to wander even if no one ever cheats IRL. Rather than fixate on this particular instance and how to fix it or not, I'd keep an eye on the bigger picture and see how much it's part of a pattern. Whether you still want the same things or whether you are outgrowing him and these things are signs that something needs to change.

Cherchezlaspice · 29/08/2022 11:43

Who your partner wanks over is entirely his business. Masturbation is private. Nobody has any right to their partner’s private masturbatory fantasies. The fact that anyone would think they did is actually quite frightening.

I thought this was going to be about porn, but it’s not. It’s ‘my investigations revealed that my partner had a wank of a non pornographic image of someone who makes me feel insecure and I cried, shamed him and am now questioning our relationship’.

No. This is not acceptable, emotionally healthy behaviour. You’re fortunately young enough to just not become a person who behaves like this.

holidaynightmare · 29/08/2022 12:04

anan302 · 28/08/2022 23:13

Yeah...It just can't be a mistake:/

Nope he fancies this girl definately

You need to establish if anything has actually happened but even so I wouldn't be very happy