Help getting my ducks in a row

[Ducksnotinarow]

I’ve been lurking on MN for a while whilst trying to navigate married life and being a stepmum.

Things have been gradually getting worse and I’m really struggling now. I don’t want to talk to my friends about it because I still feel confused about what I want.

The main issues have been around DH’s lack of communication and refusal to deal with things with something goes wrong. This is particularly worse when it’s something relating to his DC.
DH behaviour can be so disrespectful towards me but it’s like he doesn’t even see what he’s doing wrong. He says he loves me, wants to make it work, etc but I just feel like I see very little evidence of it.

I have thought about ending it which is hard because I do love him and it’s been a short marriage.
Other than the emotional side of it, I’m really
worried about the financial aspect. I had my own house before we married (which we live in, though it’s just in my name) and I have been quite good with money. Whereas he had no property and some debts. We don’t have shared finances currently, no joint accounts, etc (at his request).
I have a DC, I worked my backside off whilst he was growing up so I could be a good provider for him, and don’t want to risk losing the home he’s grown up in, or having to get into debt myself to pay off DH (I know he will have some entitlement)

I guess I’m just trying to work out how I can either work with DH communication issues to make the relationship run smoother, or how to protect myself financially if the worst should happen?

It’s not what your husband says, it’s what he DOES. Your best option is a chat with a lawyer so you know exactly where you stand if you decide your husband is basically a cocklodger who’s just saying the right things to keep his comfortable life. Even if you decide to stay together, see if you can safeguard the house for your dc.

You are in a difficult situation now as the house will be considered a marital asset and your husband will have a claim on it in a divorce. However if it is a short marriage and you have no shared children, it may be limited so you could buy him out.

Thank you for your replies.

DH has made some improvements and effort but they aren’t consistent. He acknowledges this, but it doesn’t change.
When things go wrong he either sits in silence refusing to talk through/address things, or blows up because I’m ‘going on at him’. It’s frustrating when he won’t just talk and resolve things early on in an issue and I have explained this to him to try to show I’m not just being a nag and I want us to have a happy and stable relationship.

I did speak to a solicitor a few months ago and they said it would be a lesser entitlement due to length of marriage, etc. However, I’ve read some things since that suggest I could be liable for his debts too, which worries me as I don’t even know the extent of them due to having separate finances.
Does anyone know how I could potentially safeguard the house?
I am just trying to get a bit more info rather than racking up solicitors fees at this point. I want to make it work but it worries me that the longer I keep trying the more he’ll be entitled to if we can’t sort things out

since the house is in your name, can you speak to a lawyer and see if you can create a trust of the house for your child? In the meantime, bite the bullet and play nice until that is sorted out.

reg flag is that. he has debts and you don't know how much. Time to ask...but before that, safeguard your house...

Is it possible for me to put it in trust for my child when I’m married? If so that would really take the pressure off.
We talked about his debts a few years ago and worked out a plan to step up the payments, because we wanted his debts sorted before we bought a joint house. However, I do get the impression the debts have mounted up a bit since, and given he wants to keep things separate and won’t let me see his account (I was doing a budget for bills/savings/etc and had no issue showing him mine), it’s ringing alarm bells. If we stay together then it’s fine because he’ll be paying it off, but if we don’t then I don’t want liability for them

My understanding is that if the debts are in his name, you are not liable for them. Get the point about solicitor fees, but if you make a list of your most important questions, it might be money well spent/invested in terms of your peace of mind. One at least of our local solicitors offer a free first half hour, maybe check out yours?!

You need to ask a solicitor about putting the house in trust, but the sooner you do this the better as it’s a short marriage.

OR could you have a properly drawn up agreement with him that in the event of death or seperation, your property goes to your children and his property and assets go to his children. That way it is not so obvious what your plan is. By stating that, you are protecting your own children and he is protecting his children. Seek legal advice. Setting up a trust is costly I believe and also requires a lot of time

In your place I’d very strongly consider divorce - if your marriage is under 5 years - his claim on the house should be very minimal. But the longer it goes on - the stronger it becomes.

I am not sure about putting the house into a trust - - you need to consult a lawyer. But any other money you do have - I’d be moving into a trust.
However - trusts are not bullet proof.
In a longer marriage - assets moved to a trust can still be included in marital assets if trust creation is considered to have been a protective measure in preparation for divorce. So - if divorce happens less than 5 years after trust creation.

So - I think - in your case - I’d chose a safer route. It’s easier to argue a short marriage and limited asset sharing.

If you go the trust way (if it’s possible) - you have to be sure that you are staying with him in the long term.

But given that he is secretive about his finances - and that he is accumulating dept - I think he is using you for money. He lives in your house, he is overspending. And given that you are married - and if you wait any longer - his depts will become joint as is the house.
He is probably counting on that as his security.

I would run.

Thanks for your replies and advice.

I did tell him recently that I want something official to say we are keeping finances separate. Before we got married we agreed we would have a joint account and do things “the traditional way”, but he has changed his mind since and so if what he spends his money on is none of my business and it’s not shared money, then I want to protect my own (whether we are together or not). Problem is that things have been so up and down that we haven’t got round to sorting anything out for this.
Its not that he’s using me for money as he does spend his own and he pays his way. But it does feel a bit like I’ve been used in that he won’t help to resolve the issues to get the marriage on track and as a result he could ultimately walk away with my money/assets.

My worry about having an agreement where our assets go to our children (our own, we don’t share any children), rather than safeguarded the house in some other way, is that if the house is considered a marital asset he/his DC would still have a claim on it.
Is it possible for the agreement to state that the current house is mine/protected (and same for whatever money he may have)?

The problem you have is that in marriage you can't keep finances separate in a legal sense. I agree with the advice that a quick divorce is probably in your best interests, given his secretive and dismissive nature plus the financial side. No fault divorce is now the standard.

Marriages of less than 2 years tend to follow the rule, you leave with what you arrived it.

Debts in his name are not your concern....

It all sounds so precarious, and you have so much to lose, if it were me I’d just go for a divorce as quick as possible. Obviously the longer you are married the more your finances are entwined.

You say you don’t want to rack up solicitor’s fees - but if you make the wrong decision it could cost you a lot more in the future. A lot more! A stitch in time and all that ….

You can’t have your cake and eat it.

See a solicitor. Get some proper legal advice re. your options now. Then You can make an informed decision.

If he keeps saying he will change and then doesnt, is he doing a stalling tactic until your marriage has reached the level where all assets are split?

Personally i would divorce him, then if he really really does change just live together, dont get remarried. That way you are protected long term.

Please just get an appointment with a good solicitor, take a look and see if you can find one who is offering a free half hour if it makes you feel better. But consider this is a VERY important time for you, and your kids. Advice from people on the internet is great - but this is YOUR FUTURE at stake here - and that is worth the cost of an appointment surely? As others are saying, time is important here. When a marriage is ‘up and down’ all the more reason to know for sure what your legal position is. And maybe google the ‘nice and nasty ‘ cycle? Such a short time in you should still be in the honeymoon phase….Please listen and act on the good advice you’ve had from Mn 💐

Thank you, the advice has been helpful.

I did speak to a solicitor a few months ago and was reassured that entitlement would be limited in a short marriage, but it was all so messy at the time that I didn’t ask all the questions I needed to (half an hour chat and lots to run through with emotions all over the place).
I since had the worry about his debt, but feel reassured now with your responses that this shouldn’t impact on me.
Ultimately I know he could still be entitled to something but I just wanted to see what I could do to limit impact whilst I am trying to see if I can work through things, or if I need to call it a day. I don’t want to give up too soon for the sake of finances.

I looked up the ‘nice nasty cycle’ but I don’t think this reflects the situation. It’s not that he’s controlling or unsupportive about what I do, it’s more that he can’t deal with being at fault for anything, yet doesn’t help himself and is always causing issues whether it be directly himself or by not dealing with his DC issues that impact on me or us as a family. Then when we fall out he doesn’t deal with that in the right way.
I’ve seen a lot on here about struggles with step-families and I have tried to change how I approach things now being more mindful about other people’s experiences, however, he needs to do his bit with that too and he just doesn’t want to (whether it be fear of his ex or wanting to be Disney daddy).
We should be in a honeymoon phase still but it’s like since we got engaged/married he’s had to go above and beyond to prove he still loves his DC, regardless of the impact on our relationship/family unit. It’s hard on our relationship and not fair on my own DC.
I feel so conflicted.

I understand your anxiety round your own dc and how they will be affected if your marriage breaks down further along, hence my suggestion that you make a list of the most important questions you need answers to from the lawyer. It’s not that you’d be ‘giving up too soon for the sake of finances’ though is it? That’s just one part of the problem, the outcome of a divorce. The reasons for the divorce would be how he behaves/treats you/will not take responsibility for anything/says he wants it to work but doesn’t do what’s needed to MAKE it work? It seems so harsh simplified like this but your discomfort is being compounded by doubt. Your gut is telling you leave, your heart is saying he’s not all bad let’s work through this, but what about my home and my dc - is that about it?

It’s very hard to advise people based on the limited information and at the end of the day this is social media and you are getting lay people’s opinion.

First thing to realise is that the length of the marriage will be deemed to be the period you were together as a couple not how long the marriage is. If you lived together for 5 years before a 3 year marriage then that will be 8 years together.

As people explained the act of marriage binds you both financially whilst divorce untangles you. Consequently both assets and debts are considered to be jointly part of the marital pot that will be untangled in the divorce. As part of the divorce process you are required to declare all of these and they will all be considered as part of the final settlement that separates you both financially.

What is relevant in your case is that a short marriage allows you to argue exclusion of certain elements from the pot as your financial entanglement is less complicated and you are less Co dependent. Generally speaking those are the assets and debts accrued before or outside of the marriage.

NB people are right that he is the one liable to repay his creditors. But debt is still a financial liability he will be required by a court to be declared and therefore considered. Your solicitor will argue some or all are not part of the marriage.

For example gambling debt accrued before and even during the marriage can probably be excluded. Living expenses accrued during the marriage probably not.

Divorcing couples are always able to reach their own agreement. A court will need to approve it and confirm you both know what you are agreeing and that you have had legal advice.

Yes that’a exactly it. I’m also doubting myself because I’ve been quick to quit and run in the past and I see so many people around me going through many ups and downs but are still together 10/20 years later and I don’t know whether I need to ride the waves for a long marriage that will eventually settle down and be as happy as it should be, or whether this is as good as it gets and I’m going to look back on my life regretting staying in the relationship.

If we have to call it a day now, I wonder whether with regards to the finances we are able to make a simple agreement (if he’s agreeable, should
it come to it) that we leave with what we entered with (I have assets but he has a much better pension).

Other people aren’t you and aren’t in your situation so ignore all that and concentrate on you and your dc. What’s best for you all. Do you regret leaving the other relationships you refer to? Or was it simply the right thing to do? YOU and your dc are the important people here. As you know, It takes two to make a r/s work so you can’t do it alone - talk is easy, it’s his actions that really count. And if it’s not good now, why wait in the hope that things will magically improve? You said in your first post that things are gradually getting worse. It may be that calling time is the right thing to do for you and your kids.

I’ve just been through a divorce. The home we lived in which was his was classed as the formal marital home which in most cases the sharing principle would apply. Apart from the marital home, martial assets are those which have been built up since you got married

unless it’s a needs base case if there are children then money to reasonably house both parties can come from non marital assets (mine was needs based with our 5 year old son. He had another property to live in, we had nothing

i can only go off what I experienced so worth having a free half hour consultation with solicitor

OP

I am genuinely gobsmacked that you would be so cavalier with your childs home and security.

You have married a debt ridden waster and your marriage is costing you dearly every day you are silly enough to stay married.

Why on earth would you have ever thought marrying him was a good move.

You need to give your head a good shake and get back to a solicitor and get a divorce organised asap.

If he has an ounce of decency he will not take what isn't his.

If he does, you know exactly who he is.

Every day you sit on your hands you are putting yourself in a worse position.

Take responsibility for a really bad decision and get out before it's too late.

Your child deserves better than this.

Thanks for your reply.
Plenty of people have debts and he is paying them off (I have a very small amount too), and we have both paid our way in the relationship. I got married in good faith and whilst I may be questioning the decision now, what I am looking for is support and helpful advice.
I have worked my backside off for my DC and they are the reason I’m questioning whether I should end it now. I don’t need to be made to feel like I’ve failed as a mother as well as a wife.

In all fairness, OP - you came here asking for advice. As well we describing a situation where you have contributed more assets to the marriage (house) and your H being secretive with his finances and making debts.
Now you seem to be getting defensive and contradicting yourself.
Its almost like You can’t choose between protecting your heard earned assets (and your DC’s inheritance) VS trying to hold on to this H, who doesn’t seem like he is actually treating your fairly. At least not with regards to finances.

I am not sure why you didn’t make a prenuptial agreement in regards to your house. You are quite vulnerable there - and given your indecision, you will most likely get to the point when the house becomes marital asset.

Maybe it is normal to have a little debt, although I am not so sure about that. BUT I think it isn’t normal to keep it a secret, and not discuss finances and repayment with your spouse.
He is using you. But you seem to not want to see it.

Work on your marriage if that is what you want. But at least - spend more time with a lawyer to figure out if there is a way to actually protect you.

I’m looking for advice and support, for both trying to make my marriage work but also how to best protect myself if I can’t.
I don’t meant to sound like I am contradicting myself, sorry if it’s come across that way, it was meant more as a further explanation. In other words yes he’s got debt but I don’t feel he married me because he thought I could pay his way, we both paid towards the wedding as well as other things. But yes I have concerns that I don’t know his full financial situation anymore (we discussed it a couple of years ago but with him not being open with his bank account it’s made me question things - maybe separate accounts is normal in a marriage but I just thought it wouldn’t be like that).

I would like to think that if we can’t work things out that he wouldn’t try to get anything out of me, as I wouldn’t him, but obviously when relationships end some people can turn nasty and so that’s why I was trying to see where I stood. Which I did already get some advice from a solicitor, but I was looking for some more things to consider so that if I have to go to a solicitor again I’m more armed with the right questions to ask so I’ve covered everything.

I did look into both prenuptial and postnuptial agreements but from what I read they aren’t water tight, and when I spoke to the solicitor she confirmed that.