Help getting my ducks in a row

[Ducksnotinarow]

I’ve been lurking on MN for a while whilst trying to navigate married life and being a stepmum.

Things have been gradually getting worse and I’m really struggling now. I don’t want to talk to my friends about it because I still feel confused about what I want.

The main issues have been around DH’s lack of communication and refusal to deal with things with something goes wrong. This is particularly worse when it’s something relating to his DC.
DH behaviour can be so disrespectful towards me but it’s like he doesn’t even see what he’s doing wrong. He says he loves me, wants to make it work, etc but I just feel like I see very little evidence of it.

I have thought about ending it which is hard because I do love him and it’s been a short marriage.
Other than the emotional side of it, I’m really
worried about the financial aspect. I had my own house before we married (which we live in, though it’s just in my name) and I have been quite good with money. Whereas he had no property and some debts. We don’t have shared finances currently, no joint accounts, etc (at his request).
I have a DC, I worked my backside off whilst he was growing up so I could be a good provider for him, and don’t want to risk losing the home he’s grown up in, or having to get into debt myself to pay off DH (I know he will have some entitlement)

I guess I’m just trying to work out how I can either work with DH communication issues to make the relationship run smoother, or how to protect myself financially if the worst should happen?

OP - I can’t figure out if you are naive, got bad advice, or just too trusting,
Your H is clearly being shady with finances. This isn’t just separate accounts, it’s also depts that affect family finances. And debt he isn’t open about’
(Just because he paid for the wedding -
doesn’t mean he isn’t using you now.)

Pre/postnups aren’t water tight in the U.K., sure. But they are better than not having anything. They are increasingly used as a guidance and indication of intent.

You expect the man hiding his financial situation from his spouse to be nice and fair and not to play dirty if you decided to divorce? Because that is what you’d do…
Hmmm
Naive or hopeful? ….

What you say you want is not possible. You can’t make sure you protect yourself - And work on your marriage. The matter increases your vulnerability and makes you less and less protected.

There possibly is an unorthodox solution to protecting you, while keeping your relationship (but not marriage per se).
It is untangling your finances by actually divorcing. But continuing your relationship.
Personally - I’d tell him his debts/secretive finances make me uncomfortable and I’d rather not be liable for it, and not risk my kid’s inheritance. So he can either choose full disclosure or we have to separate finances properly (by divorcing) - but can continue to live together.

I am not sure why you even got married. Other than some romantic notion - it doesn’t make sense if there is asset disparity as there is in your case.

Having gone through divorce - I am not combining my assets with anyone again.

Oh dear, @Ducksnotinarow, don’t get upset with posters who seem harsh with you, we’re all just really concerned for you! The trouble is that so many women seem to be unable to see the wood for the trees/are the slow boiling frog/are too nice and can’t believe their dh would screw them over. As I keep saying, look at his actions! Please don’t assume he’d do the decent thing and leave with what he brought - honestly from what you’ve written I’m sure he won’t go without a fight as he won’t want to lose his meal ticket and easy life. YOU would do the decent thing but giving him the benefit of the doubt could cost you and your dc very dear. My sil was cheated out of the home her dm and df had bought, by her stepfather. He’d been in her life for 20 years, had been a nice stepfather, but after her mother died he wouldn’t let her take any keepsakes of her mother, cleared all her mother’s stuff out and eventually left the house to his own daughter.
From what you’ve written, you would be better to work on yourself rather than your marriage, but please see a different solicitor and secure your home!

Why is it an “either” situation. Look into whether you can put the house in trust for your son. Then approach him about whether he will agree. There might be other issues, his pension, that you both want to have treated within a post nup.

Just remember that nuptial agreements get blown up in the UK because needs change. In your cases health and retirement provision are the biggest issues and you do need to consider these if you want to be married in middle age.

Separately or alone you can work on the relationship. If the unresolved concerns are linked to money then this is a step in the right direction.

please also remember that your son won’t live with you forever. The house will not be the only one he has ever known. He will have an adult life of his own determination. Like most people he’s unlikely to inherit much before his 50’s or 60’s. His finances and living arrangements won’t be centred around a possible inheritance. There’s no a lot of point in martyring your middle years to give home the chance to pay off his mortgage in 40 or 50 years.

To be honest OP the issues you have are not a lot different for many middle aged people facing possible divorce. Whether it’s a first or second marriage. Payouts need to be found, early retirement, inheritances, college funds and Deposit gifts go out the window. Which is why most people try to make it work.

You are being given good advice.

You have been spectacularly naive and continue to be so if you think that a man who is utterly dishonest about his finances is not capable of absolutely trying to screw you.

You have supposedly worked so hard to support your children financially and then decided to play roulette with it.

You cannot work on a marriage based on financial dishonesty and protect yourself at the same time.

The two are not compatible.

If you have an ounce of sense you will divorce him to protect your children.

He has been dishonest.

Your loyalty should be to your childrens security, not some shady man who has been lying to you for your whole relationship about his finances.

Get yourself some counselling to help you understand that good decent men don't lie about their finances and marry someone.

Every day you stay with this liar, you are putting yourself and him ahead of your children.

Can you check your credit file, like Experian? I would be worried about debts being linked or shared. No idea if you can check his, might be handy if you could.

He could be raising debts against the house.

I would again ask to see his finances and if he refuses then I would ask him to move out and financially separate legally whilst working on the relationship.

If he kicks off then it's never going to work as a marriage is it?

You could have a chat with him and see if he will agree to a post nuptial agreement regarding your house - that would certainly give you an idea of what kind of man he is. I agree with others though that while other's experiences may be useful to hear they are not guaranteed for you. See a solicitor again. Go armed with facts and figures and questions on a list.

Thanks for all your replies.

Perhaps I have been a bit naive and too trusting.

My DH has been honest about his debts and we sat and worked a plan together to help get them paid off quicker. It’s more recently where I have had concerns as it came about when I was trying to discuss a joint account and bills/savings. And if we can’t work on our issues then it could cost me greater in divorce (if they take his debt into account in a short marriage).

The problems we are having are mainly around his poor communication and the way he deals with his DC issues.

I do keep a check on my credit file and have a very high credit rating, so I don’t think anything he has is impacting on me.

We got married because we love each other and we were planning on having children together. Obviously we haven’t got as far as trying for a baby because I am sensible enough to know that things have to be right, and as things have been up and down, and due to issues with his DC, things aren’t right.
It may seem the sensible thing to go into a marriage like a business arrangement but for whatever reason I didn’t, and I am just trying to navigate the difficult situation I’ve found myself in.

I’ll definitely look into a post nuptial agreement again, and trust for my DC.
I will still try to work through the issues in my marriage, but obviously if I can’t, or if he refuses to agree to me safeguarding DC’s future then I will have to proceed with divorce, which I was really hoping to avoid but I do know that will be the only option.