Partner not wanting to see things through my point of view

[Thanksforchatting]

Quick question- I have brought things up to my partner that I find difficult to live with. He just keeps saying that he doesn’t see it as a big deal. I have said maybe not to you but it is to me.. he won’t discuss or hear what I am saying.
where do I go with this? Accept it’s a big deal to me but not him and just get on with it? I feel frustrated and hurt that he won’t try and address the issues as it doesn’t affect him..

Well, it's up to you whether it's too big a deal for you or not, if he won't discuss it. The choice is still yours to end the relationship should you wish.

Could you tell us what it is?

It’s just he doesn’t seem to hear what I am saying properly so will then respond with an answer that doesn’t make sense to what I have said or something different or repeat what I have said..
I find it so difficult to live with and try to talk to him about it but he said it’s not a big deal and I should just respond accordingly. I get that but I can’t stop feeling so unheard and frustrated. I understand if he can’t help it but it’s hard to live with and he has no empathy for this at all.

Well his view of whatever it is doesnt matter its how YOU feel and he should be thinking about that. Can you talk to him again about it to try and get him to understand your point of view?

Is it things he is doing/saying? Do you just have different beliefs/political viewpoints?

So something really serious or something like an argument over whether ketchup lives in the fridge or cupboard?..

My DH says something isn’t a big deal if he doesn’t want an argument, or if he doesn’t want to get involved
I see it as he can’t be arsed.
If your DH is dismissing you with this, and it upsets/frustrates you, you might want to consider how you want to live your life.

Don’t live with people who make you uncomfortable, unheard and unhappy.

Also wondering this.

@Flowersintheattic57

Don’t live with people who make you uncomfortable, unheard and unhappy

^^ This

@anotherpotoftea the fridge of course! 😁

I have put briefly what it is and it sounds trivial but I do feel dismissed. I said we should be able to discuss things properly but he shuts it down.

Do you mean he's a little bit deaf?

I don’t know what it is. I have long suspected adhd as my ds has it and he seems similar ..

Ah so you mean he literally doesn't 'hear' you as opposed to he's not emotionally hearing you?

Your posts are quite confusing but it really is impossible to judge without knowing because of course, if your concerns are real and problematic then he should listen and together you should come to a compromise. But if they are really a bit silly then I'd agree with him in dismissing you and saying, "it doesn't matter."

having said that, f he's saying and doing things that you don't like and is not willing to engage with you to change them, then even if those are "silly" things, you should leave because clearly this isn't the relationship for you - you want things he won't/can't/shouldn't have to give you.

It really depends what it is, can you give more details? You say it does not affect him, that implies it DOES affect you. If so, then it is not trivial and it is ok to work on changing it so you are not negatively impacted.

for example (a made up one) could you get the butter out of the fridge? He may hear I have got the butter out of the fridge.
so then there is in action and im
left wondering where the butter is.
but he has t heard properly hence the mid communication.
but is constant and very hard and draining to live with as I can’t seem to talk to him. I say one thing and his reply doesn’t marry with what I am saying so conversations are hard..

It does affect me as often there is a consequence to the most hearing or as I say lack of back and forth conversation which I feel is necessary for intimacy

So basically he has a hearing problem and doesn't want to admit it? I'm Still a little confused - are you upset that he doesn't want to talk about not hearing or is it that he didn't get the butter out (or equivalent).

If he's got an actual hearing problem, he may not want to acknowledge it. It's scary. If it's that he's choosing to ignore you, it may be because he just doesn't want to listen. Or perhaps he can't listen because of some additional need that again, he doesn't want to acknowledge.

But if it's about relatively minor things like him not responding when you ask him to get the butter, surely it's just a quick further, louder, request and problem sorted?

Hmm. I used to be married to one of these. Basically, when I was talking it was of so little importance to him that he couldn't be bothered to pay attention to what I was saying, so he would only catch half of it. The other thing he would do was listen to the first half of a sentence and then switch off, assuming he knew what I was going to say next.

I’m upset at his lack of empathy or understanding of how tricky it is for me to navigate. I have been understanding to him and said I know it may be a problem for you but I find it difficult to live with and am struggling etc but his response is that he is not that bad or unreasonable and it isn’t a big deal for him.
that is what I find the most hurtful.

And yes he mind reads and thinks he knows what I am going to say and sometimes answers for me and I have to correct him as it’s not what I’m thinking at all

If his hearing is so bad that you can't even carry on a conversation, then yes, its problem and if he's not willing to deal with it, then you probably need to end it.

If it's the occasional time that he just doesn't hear or care that you want the butter, I probably wouldn't see it as a big deal personally and would understand why he thinks you're over reacting, but if it's a deal breaker for you, then fine.

“Does this matter to you, that it matters to me?” is the question.

Everyone has faults, some of which are just inherent personality traits which can’t be changed. So you either learn to accept them or you accept that you can’t and he isn’t your life partner.

my DH is similar, I suspect he has inattentive ADHD like my DD. So, I end up doing a lot of things myself, or if he’s doing something, I accept, I’ll need to check twice, or ask him to repeat what he needs to do.

Sorry do you mean that is why I am upset that because it matters to me and it does t matter to him? If that’s what you mean then yes that’s it. He doesn’t care that i am struggling