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Original poster

Feel awful after being dropped

27 replies

champagne98 · 28/08/2022 10:13

I was seeing someone since the start of this year, and we agreed to be exclusive in March. All went well but in July there were a few weekends where I didn’t hear from him at all for 2 days, which was unusual for us as we usually spoke daily, even if it was a quick phonecall or a few texts.

I didn’t think too much of it the first time as he mentioned being particularly busy that weekend, but then it happened again in August and he seemed generally distant. I brought this up to him, and he got quite angry with me, telling me that I was causing problems between us by mentioning it.

I noticed that the dynamic felt quite unbalanced - where it seemed like it was me who had to suggest plans/dates, me who had to contact him first or I wouldn’t hear from him, etc. beforehand it was equal, but it felt like he had taken a big step back after he was the one who pushed for a relationship initially.

I tried once more to discuss this with him, where he completely denied changing and wouldn’t engage at all. So I stopped making all the effort because it was exhausting and miserable - lo and behold, I have now not heard from him in over a week, so it looks like the relationship is over.

I feel really upset and hurt that he would pull the rug like this, and not even have the decency to break up with me or tell me he had lost interest - he just left me to realise he was putting 0 effort in, and eventually give up myself. It feels really cruel, and like it lacks any real closure. I still don’t know why he suddenly changed.

can anyone offer any words of wisdom on this, and how I can move past it?

thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Mumteedum · 28/08/2022 10:25

It is cruel. I think him getting angry at you, very reasonably, trying to discuss any feelings like a respectful adult shows that he is not the one for you. Ideally, and I say this as a singleton myself, you deserve a partner who will care how you feel enough to engage in discussing issues and resolve them.

He sounds like he liked the chase. Then perhaps doesn't know what he wants... bit of a commitment phobe.

Closure is a daft concept. It is rare. Either you have closure because they're such a spectacular shit you could never comprehend getting back with them or else it fizzles out with some 'reason' that doesn't usually make sense to the injured party. The reasons are usually that the one who wants to end it does not want to feel bad so they try and let you down gently... But alternatively, I also think the ones ending it don't really understand themselves or what they want and can't articulate it or can't be bothered. People are messy. Closure is a fallacy.

blockpavingismynightmare · 28/08/2022 10:27

Yes, you are well rid of this miserable cxxt

Thornethorn · 28/08/2022 10:28

I think he has just lost interest and while it really hurts, it's better to know. You've got away at an early stage and don't have to go on like this. The real hell would be being tied in this feeling like you're worthless and you've escaped it. Know your value.

rosesareredandpink · 28/08/2022 10:59

I'm sorry someone has done this to you. It does appear that he has lost interest and isn't capable of communicating this in a respectful manner, so is just letting it peter out. It's cruel, it's shit, but it's not your fault, and it happens to the best of us. Falling out of love / interest is sad, but it's also natural (sometimes relationships work out, sometimes they don't) but by not communicating this he is leaving you even more confused which has a negative impact on your self esteem. The best thing you can do out of love and respect for yourself is accept that his feelings have changed and walk away. I went through this myself with someone (early 40s, seemed mature and an attractive prospect on paper). It left me so confused when he 'checked out'. After weeks of him needing 'some time' (during which I realised it was over, and he just didn't have the strength of character to be honest with me) he contacted me and I stupidly thought 'at least i'll get some closure now'. Instead he just arrived, looking solemn and said nothing (I had seen on his insta he was out having fun with friends, holidays etc, so I knew it wasn't like he had been in this state of depression for weeks). I asked him 'what are you here for/ what's happened' and he pathetically responded 'I don't know what has happened'. He wanted my comfort as he was feeling guilty!! A complete man-child. At least I finally was able to see through the hurt, get angry, and break free. Walk away. It's hard but you need to take care of yourself, and you'll be OK !

MrsLeBouef · 28/08/2022 11:31

It was him and not you. TBH with you you should have called time on him earlier. He is spineless and wanted the easy way out. People are entitled to change their mind about a relationship but should be able to say so and not leave like this. I'm wondering if somewhere deep inside you are actually not a bit relieved?

firstmummy2019 · 28/08/2022 11:35

Sound like he love bombed you. Now the initial honeymoon period is over, he is probably on to someone else.

Dery · 28/08/2022 11:56

Sorry for your disappointment, OP. I think as women we often expect to be told things in words which men are already telling us by their actions. There’s a line in Friends: Chandler is looking to break up with Janice - Joey says “be a man about it - stop calling”. Men might be slower to completely pull the plug because then they no longer have you as a fallback option either.

At one point in the late 1990s, my mum, my sister and I were all single and dating at the same time and we quickly learnt not to make excuses about some man or other’s disinterested behaviour. He wasn’t so overwhelmed by us that he had to play it cool; he didn’t have an unmovable commitment every day for 2 weeks. If a man’s really interested, he’ll make a lot of the running. If he doesn’t, he’s either just not that into you (anymore) or he’s not actually available. And it’s usually the former.

My mum, sister and I all went on to meet life partners. In fact, my mum met the love of her life at 55. (That’s not how I describe him to my dad of course…). Hopefully that man is just round the corner for you!

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2022 12:01

It's was over weeks ago, you just refused to see it. Block him and move on.

VeridicalVagabond · 28/08/2022 12:05

Try and think of it as a bullet dodged. You'd have ended up doing 100% of the emotional labour in this relationship, which would have been miserable and exhausting. You can't have a working, healthy relationship with a man who gets angry at any attempt to have a reasonable discussion about the relationship dynamic. You haven't lost a relationship that would have been worthwhile, you've unburdened yourself of a lazy, avoidant, emotionally constipated man who wouldn't have made you happy long-term.

Original poster
champagne98 · 28/08/2022 15:14

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2022 12:01

It's was over weeks ago, you just refused to see it. Block him and move on.

Not quite, we went away together for a week at the start of august, so pretty sure we were together then! Thanks for your contribution though

OP posts:
Original poster
champagne98 · 28/08/2022 15:16

Mumteedum · 28/08/2022 10:25

It is cruel. I think him getting angry at you, very reasonably, trying to discuss any feelings like a respectful adult shows that he is not the one for you. Ideally, and I say this as a singleton myself, you deserve a partner who will care how you feel enough to engage in discussing issues and resolve them.

He sounds like he liked the chase. Then perhaps doesn't know what he wants... bit of a commitment phobe.

Closure is a daft concept. It is rare. Either you have closure because they're such a spectacular shit you could never comprehend getting back with them or else it fizzles out with some 'reason' that doesn't usually make sense to the injured party. The reasons are usually that the one who wants to end it does not want to feel bad so they try and let you down gently... But alternatively, I also think the ones ending it don't really understand themselves or what they want and can't articulate it or can't be bothered. People are messy. Closure is a fallacy.

You’re completely right - I’m sure in a few weeks once I’ve got through the hurtful part, I’ll be glad to be rid of him, he clearly wouldn’t have been a good long term partner. It’s just a shame he turned out unpleasant.

OP posts:
Original poster
champagne98 · 28/08/2022 15:18

MrsLeBouef · 28/08/2022 11:31

It was him and not you. TBH with you you should have called time on him earlier. He is spineless and wanted the easy way out. People are entitled to change their mind about a relationship but should be able to say so and not leave like this. I'm wondering if somewhere deep inside you are actually not a bit relieved?

yes I’d have been completely accepting if he’d just ended things - but he was so evasive and strange about it for no real reason. I’m glad to not be stuck in a one way dynamic or feeling like I’m not sure where the relationship is going, I just haven’t experienced a breakup in such a cowardly way. I’m sure in the future I’ll look back and think ‘what an arse’, quite looking forward to my emotions settling down as they don’t want to be rational at the moment 😅

OP posts:
Lulibee · 28/08/2022 15:21

Allow yourself time to lick your wounds and mull it over. Treat yourself to things that make you feel better. As the days past do will the disappointment and you’ll see his behaviour more clearly and be glad it happened now rather than a few years down the line.

Go quiet on him, I’d put money on him trying to chat you up again, just make sure you tell him you’ve moved on as it clearly wasn’t working out (no specifics), don’t mention his behaviour and change the subject to ‘how’s work, the dog etc. alternatively block him! He’s not worthy of occupying your headspace

Raul57 · 28/08/2022 15:21

You are not alone it happens to millions IE when the person is dropped, 99% of the time they will feel awful as hardly anyone is prepared for the drop.

Be warned, he may come back to you and if so be brave and strong and tell him to x off.

You are lucky as it's early on in your life and not having a baby/prerty with this shallow cretin

goldfinchonthelawn · 28/08/2022 15:25

I hope you are only upset at how you have been treated. Not upset at splitting up with such an emotionally stunted, manipulative person.

neilyoungismyhero · 28/08/2022 15:28

I've never understood why people just can't be honest with each other, but after being on MN for a few weeks now I can see it's not really unusual.
A break up is always going to be painful for one party but so much easier if it's short and sharp, it's not fair to just keep people hanging on and then engineering a sort of suicide by cop scenario.
My first husband did the same thing, made life so shitty for myself and the children - he just basically checked out, wasn't at all present in our lives just hung around really in the place he/we lived. Cowardly behaviour. I'm sure you know you're better off without him but it's still hard to let go.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/08/2022 15:37

Well it’s not you it’s him, he just didn’t have the courage to tell you.

Getting dumped does hurt, but all I can say is lots of relationships just aren’t meant to last, and at least you found out quickly.

It’s autumn which I always think of as a time of new beginnings because of the school year, so think about what you’d like for yourself over the next 3 to 6 months, and focus on that. Plan some treats too.. grab a pen or your phone and make some plans now.

Catlitterqueen · 28/08/2022 15:44

neilyoungismyhero · 28/08/2022 15:28

I've never understood why people just can't be honest with each other, but after being on MN for a few weeks now I can see it's not really unusual.
A break up is always going to be painful for one party but so much easier if it's short and sharp, it's not fair to just keep people hanging on and then engineering a sort of suicide by cop scenario.
My first husband did the same thing, made life so shitty for myself and the children - he just basically checked out, wasn't at all present in our lives just hung around really in the place he/we lived. Cowardly behaviour. I'm sure you know you're better off without him but it's still hard to let go.

It’s cowardly and lazy. I’ve had this happen more than once from men who suddenly stop making an effort, picked arguments for no reason and generally behaved badly so that I would end things. They were to cowardly to do it themselves.
OP I think that being angry and defensive when you try to find out why is a classic sign of their frustration that you haven’t picked up their signals!
Its horrible but you’ve dodged a bullet 💐

URaflutteringcunt · 28/08/2022 15:47

I had similar this year after supporting a man through a hard time, he was happy as larry one day and then basically turned on a penny the next time I saw him and said it wasn’t going to work out for various reasons that we had discussed before and he had been ok with (large age gap).

i found out he had been seeing someone at the same time and she obviously “won”. I do wonder whether he did the same to her in the end.

i was very angry too OP, more at myself for not seeing it so plainly. I think all you can do is nurse yourself for a while and then see him for what he is. Sorry you’ve had to go through this.

ILoveMonday · 28/08/2022 16:05

I think we've all been there - I know in my last relationship I was so much more invested than he was. I figured he had someone else on his mind for the last few months. I should have finished it sooner but I really liked him.

I've been with a new man now for 7 months and I've never doubted his commitment and how he feels about me (and he's really good in bed).

Splitting up with someone really hurts but true love does exist. Given a bit of time, I'm sure you will meet someone who genuinely loves you. Hope you feel better soon

Original poster
champagne98 · 28/08/2022 16:39

goldfinchonthelawn · 28/08/2022 15:25

I hope you are only upset at how you have been treated. Not upset at splitting up with such an emotionally stunted, manipulative person.

Yes I absolutely do NOT want a relationship with someone so immature and unkind - just feel gutted at being treated in such a disposable way! I suppose it’s good that it happened now, rather than a few years down the line..

OP posts:
Original poster
champagne98 · 28/08/2022 16:41

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/08/2022 15:37

Well it’s not you it’s him, he just didn’t have the courage to tell you.

Getting dumped does hurt, but all I can say is lots of relationships just aren’t meant to last, and at least you found out quickly.

It’s autumn which I always think of as a time of new beginnings because of the school year, so think about what you’d like for yourself over the next 3 to 6 months, and focus on that. Plan some treats too.. grab a pen or your phone and make some plans now.

Wise words! I love autumn too, I’m starting a new job soon and I’m looking forward to that, plus I have some fitness goals I want to work towards so I’m going to focus on that. I think I’ll make a list today 😊 thanks!

OP posts:
Mamato3boysand2dogs · 28/08/2022 19:03

Just a run of the mill coward.

Didn't have the balls to be a grown up and just tell you.

fghj149 · 28/08/2022 21:29

Op I almost could have written this myself. Almost ten years ago now but it hurt like hell and I’ve never felt so disrespected. I will never understand it. Im so sorry you’re going through it just now. I think you’ve done extremely well to recognise you’re well shot of such a nasty, spineless person. Some poor woman will eventually end up stuck with that, he’s given you the opportunity to find somebody worth your time so look at it that way 😊 stay strong ❤️

Naimee87 · 29/08/2022 10:03

Not sure if you are still checking replies and some may recognise me on here too. But i can relate. Although with this guy we have been on/off for quite a while. All going swimmingly, making effort and contact was nice and frequent, no concerns at all, until he goes on holiday a few weeks ago and his phones been off ever since, two weeks now. No check-in message or anything. And after promising not to do exactly this. Im completely in the dark... so no advice but guess just wanted to say you arent alone. Hope you are doing better but its so much easier said than done 🍀😊