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Original poster

Passive agressive DH - am I over reacting?

35 replies

alltheprettythings · 28/08/2022 08:57

I am sick of all of the little ways my DH tries to control me with his passive aggressive nature/guilt tripping. LTR of nearly 30 years and DC will all have flown the nest in the next couple of years. The last couple of days I haven't felt well, this has resulted in him telling me "are you going to be nice to be today? I like it when I come home from work and you are all smiley". (I got told because I had a really bad headache the other night that I was in a mood - no just felt like shit). A few nights ago I met up (at 5pm) with a male acquaintance to discuss a potential work collaboration (we are both self employed and in a similar field) - my daughter later told me he was mumbling under his breath about me "going out for dinner with another man" - I was out for a quick drink and chat for 45 minutes. He huffs and puffs if I don't do things when he wants - in the last 2 days there have been 2 incidents. 1. He asked me to make his packed lunch. I was going to work too but slightly later. I said no problem, but I need to finish this email first. So 10 mins later I go downstairs (he still have 15 minutes before he was due to leave) to find him making it himself and slamming things around, saying "don't worry, I'll do it". Then last night I had had a bath and he asked if I was coming in when he had a bath after me (I shave the back of his neck). I said I will be in in a little while. Got dressed (I was in a towel) laid on my bed for 5 mins (not feeling well) then went in with him again huffing, getting out of the bath and telling me I was too late to help him. This morning he has had a go at me as I bought some toilet cleaner. We had come e-cover in cupboard I didn't see. Went off on one about me poisoning the oceans with the shit one I bought. He is a lot of the time very affectionate and adoring - but this is over the top and all about the "perfect version of me" that he wants. TBH I was way too much of a doormat and people pleaser with him for years and now I am pushing back and doing what I want more he doesn't like it one little bit. I don't know if there is any joy in our relationship anymore - although he portrays to others that we are perfect. I flip from thinking I can't live like this, then we have a good day and I think I am just over-reacting (I am peri and the rage is real!)

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/08/2022 08:59

He sounds a right miserable bastard. Have you spoken to him about the way he treats you?

adhdforme · 28/08/2022 09:06

Ugh sorry you're living like this OP. He sounds like my husband. Constant little put downs and snide remarks. Nothing is ever good enough. Only he has the right to do something or feel a certain way, not me.

I don't really have anything to say other than I sympathise with you. I'm not in the position to leave, so I still put up with it. But the longer it goes on the more it chips away at your self esteem and just irritates you and makes you feel shit in general. If this is relatively new behaviour can you confront him and ask him what the hell he's got stuck up his ass to make him act this way? I'd confront now before you turn out like me and have it going on for years and years. If you're in the position to leave then perhaps think about that?

Hotandbothereds · 28/08/2022 09:09

Have you pulled him up the incidents with the lunch & the bath? That would drive me mad!

You don’t have to drop everything the second he asks you to, neither were an emergency, he can wait 5mins.

On the meeting, does he not understand you need to meet people for work purposes?

He sounds exhausting tbh, has he always been like this?

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/08/2022 09:20

That sounds very challenging

It’s worth explaining to him the things that have to change so he gets the point of the push backs. If that doesn’t work, marriage counselling? You don’t want to be living with this for 30 years.

CrystalCoco · 28/08/2022 09:43

I can empathise a lot here OP.

The constant digs and PA comments just get too much, eventually I explode and then look like I'm the unreasonable one.

I try to let a lot of stuff just go over my head. Happy people don't feel the need to behave like our DHs so I try to remember that it's nothing personal to me, it's his own issues.

I like that you push back eg finishing the email, or taking the 5 minutes lie down and don't just jump to it when he barks his orders - if you can ignore the huffing and puffing that ensues, his annoyed reactions are an attempt to make it so uncomfortable for you that NEXT TIME he wants something you will have learned to immediately attend to him or more huffing and puffing will come your way. At this point I tend to leave the room, there's little point in DH getting all bent out of shape if the intended audience (you/me) isn't there.

It's not the way a happy marriage should be, but for me, the alternative of financial devastation a divorce would cause just isn't worth it.

It's a choice, and I choose to stay.

billy1966 · 28/08/2022 09:56

He sounds so nasty and deeply unpleasant.

And your children know it.

Have you any idea how damaging it is to grow up with a nasty little man who makes constant digs at your mother?

Truly awful.

I wouldn't waste another breath on him.
He is emotionally abusive and controlling.

Start planning your exit.

How you can even look at someone who behaves in such a relentlessly petty nasty way is beyond me.

Think about how this will have felt for your children.

You and your children deserve better.

billy1966 · 28/08/2022 10:00

I strongly recommend that you tell him the next time that he behaves this way that you are deeply unhappy in the relationship and that his awful behaviour has changed how you feel about him.

Then let it hang there.

l would also start telling those around you too, like family and friends and he is a very petty, bad tempered man.

Your daughter sees the treatment you have accepted.

Is this what you want for her.

awwbiscuits · 28/08/2022 10:23

He sounds like a complete arsehole

Original poster
alltheprettythings · 29/08/2022 07:50

@Hotandbothereds No I didn't pull him up on these, but this morning I offered to make his lunch (I thought I would be nice, especially as there is a bit of tension at the moment) The response I got was "oh can you be bothered today?". He then said "I asked you to do it the other day and by 8.10am is still wasn't done". I said, you weren't leaving for anther 15 - 20 mins, it doesn't take that long to make a sandwich. He said he didn't like things being left to the last minute and would do it himself. So, that is the last time I offer to do that for him. He says I am not being nice, he is not getting enough fuss. I am just fed up of being a doormat and he doesn't like me standing up for myself. He accuses me of being grumpy - my daughter said to me yesterday I am the least grumpy person she has ever known.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 29/08/2022 07:59

‘I asked you to do it the other day and by 8.10am is still wasn't done’

thats* *a shocking way for him to behave. What a utter shit! You shouldnt have to put up with that.

DenholmElliot1 · 29/08/2022 08:03

Men like that just seem to get worse and worse as they age. I guess it's just down to how much you can tolerate.

billy1966 · 29/08/2022 08:54

I think you should be focusing on what a miserable time your daughter has, being in the middle of this.

I feel so sorry for her.

It sounds as if he is a relentless petty bully.

Is this what you want for her.

BoxOfCats · 29/08/2022 09:22

This is all about control. He is huffing and puffing and making negative comments so that next time you learn to just do as he says. Fundamentally he sees himself as the one in charge and you should just toe the line and do as you are told. There is no future in this relationship, he is manipulating you and does not see you as an equal.

theremustonlybeone · 29/08/2022 09:26

why are you pandering to this man? Running around shaving his neck and offering to make his lunch. Your DD is watching this and viewing this as normal. So dont be surprised when she brings home a mini father to meet you.

You have an opportunity to change your future.

honeylulu · 29/08/2022 09:48

God my blood is boiling reading this. He thinks you should be permanently "nice" to him and fuss over him and serve him. Why doesn't he think he owes you the same? Why wasn't he making you lunch and running you a bath when you were ill?

Just get rid and if you can't face that just ignore him. If he moans say you'll start being nice when he can do the same.

ClaryFairchild · 29/08/2022 09:53

And does this fine specimen of a man (🤮) ever make a fuss over you?

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 29/08/2022 09:58

LTB

Thurlow · 29/08/2022 10:04

Seriously - why do you think you are worth to little respect that it’s “ok” for someone to talk to you like this?

autienotnaughty · 29/08/2022 10:07

It sounds really irritating. I'd want to snap but then you look like the unreasonable one. I think the only way to manage (other than divorce!!) it is not entertain it. Just walk away and if he says something say "I can see you are in a bad mood so I prefer not to talk to you" then ignore him.

sintrawest · 29/08/2022 10:16

Please don’t keep teaching your children/daughter that it’s normal to live like this. She already seems to be reassuring you and clearly aware of the unhealthy dynamic. You deserve more..

Original poster
alltheprettythings · 29/08/2022 11:37

My children are young adults and know very well how he is - we talk about what is not acceptable in his behaviour.
He is quite a lot of the time very loving - but this part of his personality it not tolerable and seems to be getting worse.

I am also fine to do nice things for your partner - otherwise what would be the point in a relationship? - but I won't accept rudeness and the expectation that I will jump to his every need.

Update - he was just about to leave for work (after banging around in the kitchen making his lunch) when I passed in the hallway. He said what are you standing there for? (he was tying his shoe lace), I said to give you a kiss goodbye (standard thing in the morning). He said he didn't want one and I just caused arguments every time we spoke. He bought up the sandwich thing again - the not making it by xyz time (sandwich-gate from now on!), and I calmly said I hardly think making it 15 minutes before you need to leave is last minute and walk upstairs.
He called me from work - all "i love my wife", and then said what is wrong, you don't seem very happy. I told him he was the one in the mood not me, and I was fed up with biting my tongue when he went off on one, that he was incredibly rude the other day and then continued to be rude and self entitled this morning and I wasn't having any of it anymore. So - we shall see what he is like when he gets home, but I am not going to back down one bit.

OP posts:
Musti · 29/08/2022 11:52

Why is he asking you to make his packed lunch?

But also, if you agree to do something and he’s left waiting it can be annoying.

So if you both pull your weight fairly then maybe be clearer about what you can do and when so he isn’t left waiting or wondering if it’s going to get done.

But if he is treating you like a skivy expecting you to jump to his orders then he can piss off.

Original poster
alltheprettythings · 29/08/2022 11:57

@Musti But he wasn't left waiting. He puts his lunch box in his bag 30 seconds before he walks out the door. I had told him I needed to finish a work email first. It would have been ready at least 10 minutes before he left.....

OP posts:
godmum56 · 29/08/2022 11:59

my usual question really....why do you stay?

been and done it. · 29/08/2022 12:06

alltheprettythings · 28/08/2022 08:57

I am sick of all of the little ways my DH tries to control me with his passive aggressive nature/guilt tripping. LTR of nearly 30 years and DC will all have flown the nest in the next couple of years. The last couple of days I haven't felt well, this has resulted in him telling me "are you going to be nice to be today? I like it when I come home from work and you are all smiley". (I got told because I had a really bad headache the other night that I was in a mood - no just felt like shit). A few nights ago I met up (at 5pm) with a male acquaintance to discuss a potential work collaboration (we are both self employed and in a similar field) - my daughter later told me he was mumbling under his breath about me "going out for dinner with another man" - I was out for a quick drink and chat for 45 minutes. He huffs and puffs if I don't do things when he wants - in the last 2 days there have been 2 incidents. 1. He asked me to make his packed lunch. I was going to work too but slightly later. I said no problem, but I need to finish this email first. So 10 mins later I go downstairs (he still have 15 minutes before he was due to leave) to find him making it himself and slamming things around, saying "don't worry, I'll do it". Then last night I had had a bath and he asked if I was coming in when he had a bath after me (I shave the back of his neck). I said I will be in in a little while. Got dressed (I was in a towel) laid on my bed for 5 mins (not feeling well) then went in with him again huffing, getting out of the bath and telling me I was too late to help him. This morning he has had a go at me as I bought some toilet cleaner. We had come e-cover in cupboard I didn't see. Went off on one about me poisoning the oceans with the shit one I bought. He is a lot of the time very affectionate and adoring - but this is over the top and all about the "perfect version of me" that he wants. TBH I was way too much of a doormat and people pleaser with him for years and now I am pushing back and doing what I want more he doesn't like it one little bit. I don't know if there is any joy in our relationship anymore - although he portrays to others that we are perfect. I flip from thinking I can't live like this, then we have a good day and I think I am just over-reacting (I am peri and the rage is real!)

I could have written this...

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