Passive agressive DH - am I over reacting?

[alltheprettythings]

I am sick of all of the little ways my DH tries to control me with his passive aggressive nature/guilt tripping. LTR of nearly 30 years and DC will all have flown the nest in the next couple of years. The last couple of days I haven't felt well, this has resulted in him telling me "are you going to be nice to be today? I like it when I come home from work and you are all smiley". (I got told because I had a really bad headache the other night that I was in a mood - no just felt like shit). A few nights ago I met up (at 5pm) with a male acquaintance to discuss a potential work collaboration (we are both self employed and in a similar field) - my daughter later told me he was mumbling under his breath about me "going out for dinner with another man" - I was out for a quick drink and chat for 45 minutes. He huffs and puffs if I don't do things when he wants - in the last 2 days there have been 2 incidents. 1. He asked me to make his packed lunch. I was going to work too but slightly later. I said no problem, but I need to finish this email first. So 10 mins later I go downstairs (he still have 15 minutes before he was due to leave) to find him making it himself and slamming things around, saying "don't worry, I'll do it". Then last night I had had a bath and he asked if I was coming in when he had a bath after me (I shave the back of his neck). I said I will be in in a little while. Got dressed (I was in a towel) laid on my bed for 5 mins (not feeling well) then went in with him again huffing, getting out of the bath and telling me I was too late to help him. This morning he has had a go at me as I bought some toilet cleaner. We had come e-cover in cupboard I didn't see. Went off on one about me poisoning the oceans with the shit one I bought. He is a lot of the time very affectionate and adoring - but this is over the top and all about the "perfect version of me" that he wants. TBH I was way too much of a doormat and people pleaser with him for years and now I am pushing back and doing what I want more he doesn't like it one little bit. I don't know if there is any joy in our relationship anymore - although he portrays to others that we are perfect. I flip from thinking I can't live like this, then we have a good day and I think I am just over-reacting (I am peri and the rage is real!)

I'd be wary about colluding with your daughter about his bad behaviour. Regardless of her age, she is still your child and be prudent about inadvertently drawing her in as your confidante to back up your case for his bad behaviour.
It'll put a burden on her to be worrying about you and him.
Are you trying to make a case to leave him by pointing out all the bad stuff he's doing to you? It's a bit like you are telling us here like a child telling their parent that their brother is bully them.
In future instead of refering to the content of the argument (like 'it was only 5 minutes you were waiting!') instead refer to the context such as 'you seem angry' or 'you seem very frustrated about this' or 'it seems you think I've done something wrong'. Or even just 'well can you say a bit more about that and what you think is wrong about it'. Or 'you are talking in an angry voice at the minute so maybe we'd get further if we come back to it when you are calmer'.
That will disarm them because it is drawing attention back to them and their way of behaving or talking, rather than re-opening the debate about who did what, when, to who and at what time.
So don't take the bait. Instead, pause notice and then point out the emotion the person seems to be experiencing.
Defending yourself on the 'evidence' only results in more of the same and you end up copperfastening 'evidence' rather than discussing the emotion which is the real problem.

OP
When is your next Performance Review? It sounds like your manager is unhappy with your work lately. Might be time to renegotiate your contract

Goodness this is so sad. You have written that you had allowed this behaviour for years and now you are pushing back, he doesn’t like it and clearly explains his childish behaviour. Unfortunately he has learned that you are at his beck and call and now he needs to learn you are not. I would just say nicely that you are too busy to make his lunch. Or you are too busy to shave his neck. He is a sulking little boy who isn’t getting what he wants and thinks he is being neglected. Oh goodness you have some work to do if you want to put an end to it. Set boundaries, stick to them, be clear ….. everything we would do to an unruly toddler!!

This prince among men treats you as a body servant. And this 'huffing and puffing' that women talk about, makes it sound quite sweet, like he is a cuddly old bear. He is berating you under his breath as it does not look quite so abusive as shouting at you.

If you’re not going to leave him, you need to piss him off and stop pandering to him.

Make him wait, say you’ll do things and purposely don’t do them, deny ever saying you said you’ll do anything…..play mind games with him too. So what if he doesn’t kiss you, don’t wait at the door. Ignore his childish little outbursts.

does he make your packed lunch and do personal tasks? Shave your underarms maybe?

I warn you now, he'll get worse with age. I'm glad you're standing up for yourself. Read him the riot act

You aren’t overreacting.
It sounds like he enjoys criticising you, always waiting on any excuse to put you down.

I mean this very kindly OP, but this is a truly awful dynamic for your children to witness.

He is a petty whiney bully, muttering and huffing....so awful.

Then you are discussing this with your children instead of challenging the behaviour.

This is involving them in the dynamics of your marriage which is so emotionally damaging for them.

He is truly awful but you are wrong too.
You have allowed this awful behaviour to go unchecked for years and years.

You need to have a chat with him away from the children completely, where you spell it out to him.

I think he needs the shock therapy of being asked to leave the home.

His petty bullying is emotionally abusive and you have realised that it is so damaging for the children and it has changed your feelings for him.

Tell him that you do not see a future with his emotionally abusive behaviour.

He is one of those truly odious street angels/house terrorist husbands that bullys everyone in the family with his sour temper.

Your poor poor children.

You need to own this and stop accepting this.

Your children will judge you very harshly for allowing this to occur and involving them in it.

I really hope you find the strength to do right by your children before its too late.

They will be out the door the first chance the get, and who would blame them.

“He called me from work - all "i love my wife", and then said what is wrong, you don't seem very happy. I told him he was the one in the mood not me, and I was fed up with biting my tongue when he went off on one, that he was incredibly rude the other day and then continued to be rude and self entitled this morning and I wasn't having any of it anymore. So - we shall see what he is like when he gets home, but I am not going to back down one bit.”

@alltheprettythings I think this is a really positive thing – from him (realising something’s up and asking about it) - and from you for calmly telling him and standing your ground.

I hope you can both sit down and talk about this when he gets in and work out a compromise on demand and expectation. It might be that there’s something on his mind and he’s taking it out on his nearest and dearest (you).