He got the snip.

[Katerinabrandysauce123]

long post sorry. I feel incredibly down. Like worse than I’ve felt in a very long time. After I basically told him how I felt last Tuesday ( that I wasn’t sure about his decision to get vasectomy), we were basically split up. There was no room for compromise for him and with that came a sense of acceptance from myself that he didn’t want children with me. I’ve got my boy he’s got his daughter and I suppose I really should be grateful for that. He basically said he didn’t want us to break up. But I’d already told my mum everything. Told her it was over. He asked me whether I was still going with him Thursday for the vasectomy. At that point I felt like I couldn’t be with him but I would still be there for him despite my feelings. When he asked me to still go with him I had such warmth in my heart that he would reach out to me. I told him I needed some time to really accept and adjust to this. But Thursday I went with him we made a day out of it and in all honesty it ended up being a really nice day/road trip with him. But something in me was very very detached from him in a way, we had a laugh but it seemed like something had really disappeared between us , in my heart I felt like he was more a friend than the man I was once in love with. Sex has been off the table for ages because of all the arguments we’ve had. And especially now after this. I’ve had some health problems putting me off as well so we’ve not had that intimacy for a while ( he says weeks but it’s been more like 2 weeks).

There’s something in me that feels like I’m grieving something and I don’t know why, I cannot understand why I feel a sense of grief about this:(:( but it’s actually really painful unlike anything I’ve felt before really so it’s difficult to convey it to him. I was there for him Thursday and he was incredibly grateful and really appreciated my support. I was happy to be there for him because I do love him and couldn’t not be there for him especially when he asked me. I’m glad I went with him. But like I said there’s a sense of loss in a way and I don’t know why. I made a list of pros and cons for his decision. There were more pros than cons. It makes sense to me not to have more kids. But it’s that the possibility has been taken away from me. It’s much more complex than just agreeing with his decision. I have a deep sense of disappointment right now. I feel quite empty. I feel quite lost and alone. I feel like something has been taken away from me. I feel quite inadequate, not important enough to be heard by him, a bit disrespected in a wierd way, like my life is a bit meaningless, a bit frustrated that I’ve been single more or less nearly 8 years waiting and hoping for my lucky break in finding mr. right, I feel like I found him and he can’t give me the possibility of more kids. I feel I’d feel different if it was a case of him not being able to have kids for medical reason..but it’s his decision to not have kids because ‘he doesn’t want more kids’ that’s difficult for me to understand him really and whether I can base my future on such a vague and selfish explanation. I’m torn between thinking ‘well it’s his body he can do whatever he wants (which he is obviously entitled to do), and ‘he’s not considering me in his decision’. And that’s what hurts, is that I feel that I don’t really mean that much to him, he doesn’t love me as much as he says he does and it’s his way or the highway. I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to completely dismiss my own feelings and thoughts about this. There are more pros than cons to him having the snip. I’m basing all of my thoughts and feelings on the idea that I possibly may want kids when I push 40 odd, it’s that fear that I may start panicking when the big 4-0 approaches and the thought of not having given myself a chance to find somebody who is willing to give me the world.

I’ve become so distant. I’m very quiet naturally anyway but this is such a different and kind of unsettling kind of silence in me. Like I’ve been covered in a blanket, it’s in a way quite soothing, it’s a sense of detachment where nothing aggravates me or angers me, it’s more of a deep acceptance in me that I’m not allowed something, like a sense of meaning has been stripped away from me. I’m not sure if I’m making sense really. But as a woman intrinsically here to bear children….I feel trapped in that i feel like I can’t find anybody better than him who loves me like he does, we’ve bonded as a family…I feel like I can’t leave that as it’s special to me. It’s what I’ve wanted. A little family even if we don’t have a child together we have two beautiful ones between us. I should be grateful there’s noway I could throw away such a blessing.

But today was difficult. His mother and uncle and aunty came to visit. And I spent the day feeling incredibly low thinking about his decision Thursday. And I cannot shake this feeling that i feel like i’m grieving something.

Bit of background. Emotionally neglected as a child by father. Abandoned by my mother when I was 8. String of toxic relationships. Had a child with a narcissist. And it scared me so much. That was nearly 8 years ago. Tried dating/relationships but they’ve always ended badly. Finally found somebody who was willing to fight for me and stick around. Felt loved. Got pregnant and he told me to get rid of it. Now he’s done this vasectomy and doesn’t want any more kids. It’s like I’ve waited a long time for my happy ending and it’s not been much of a happy ending in all honesty. And it’s almost as if it’s my karma. Like I deserve this or rather i don’t deserve my happy ending. And I’m getting on a bit now. If I choose to end it there’s no guarantee I’ll find someone anyway To have more children with. I guess it’s this sense of loss that I was single for so long, left on The shelf kind of thing and i guess it’s that feeling of being ‘past it’. That disappointment that it’s never going to happen for me. Even though I should be grateful that there is somebody who loves me. It’s so complex I’m not sure how I feel myself even. The best I can describe it as is this sense of emptiness and loneliness. Even though I have him and my boy. He bought me a big bunch of flowers delivered them to me today with some nice chocolates. As a thank you to me for going with him Thursday. I got them this morning just before I was about to go to his to meet his aunty and uncle. I thanked him then he asked me a random question that made me feel a bit uncomfortable ‘do you still fancy me?’ And it may have made me feel uncomfortable because I wasn’t sure how to answer. It made me feel awkward because it was crap timing to ask. But I wasn’t massively reassuring towards him:/ I said ‘ye I do’ but just said bit awkward just before I meet your family. I’m not sure if I still have that desire towards him at this moment in time because of how low I feel and because of what he’s done. I’ve asked him to give me a bit of time to really adjust to all this. But I found today extremely overwhelming and I was very distant. It annoys me how casually he talks about the snip. He told his mum as well. And she was there today. And I just felt incredibly awkward in all honesty. His uncle and aunty mentioned his previous wedding as well which made me feel uncomfortable. I felt slightly judged by them and felt like his aunty was comparing me to his ex wife. (I get the impression the aunty got on alright with his ex wife). I increasingly because uncomfortable today although they were lovely. Deep sadness in me. He noticed but then he started having a go at me or making me feel guilty for not being intimate with him for a while. I simply haven’t felt like it because of health issues and because of him deciding to get the snip and because of arguments. The last argument we had is when I really shut down with him. It was akin to gaslighting. Yesterday he decided to change his Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’. I told him I do need time to think about and process what’s happened but that I can’t throw away what I have now, him and this small family, I can’t throw that away. So he did that, bought me flowers…yet today he had a go at me for not showing interest in him sexually. Felt incredibly awkward because his family were around but I literally couldn’t bring myself to be normal or affectionate with him. I don’t know why I’m like this it’s such a fucked up situation to be in and I’ve not really experienced anything like this before. It’s so difficult. And I came home earlier with my boy and I can’t even bring myself to message him:/ I genuinely don’t know what to say to him without it sounding formal or detached. Plus I have no idea how to make sense of what I’m feeling right now anyway so don’t want to make things worse. He’s more concerned about me not showing any sexual interest. I literally don’t know what to say to him.

but it’s his decision to not have kids because ‘he doesn’t want more kids’ that’s difficult for me to understand him really and whether I can base my future on such a vague and selfish explanation

That’s neither vague nor selfish. Or at least, it’s no more selfish than having kids because you want them.

You feel you’re the one compromising in the relationship, but would you think it’s ok for him to compromise and have a child he doesn’t want?

Unfortunately, having children or not is something you can’t compromise on. You’re either in or out. Different wants on this issue are a fundamental incompatibility.

I don't think children are a sensible place for compromise. They're a huge commitment if you intend to be even a decent parent.

He's been open and honest about his desires. He could have lied, gotten you pregnant and left you a single mother for a second time (because he fundamentally doesn't want another child).
The only ways he really could have done "better" is either get a vasectomy before meeting you or just actually desire what you desire.

@Katerinabrandysauce123 As he booked it soon after you'd had an argument, it comes across even worse.

And he's nagging you for sex when you're upset.

Ok, that's not unfeasible but it's tight I suppose.

I just wonder if you'll resent this man/relationship and always have that sadness going forward.

And I think .. what if you were to end up broken up; you'd kick yourself for not trying to meet someone else and have another child before your fertile years were gone.

Personally I think his behaviour around the termination was really shitty.

And the sex nagging when you're still recovering from the aftermath of that and now the vasectomy and what it means for you ....shitty

Surely he must have known he never wanted more kids, since he's fine this even after your relationship became established abd you blended families (so if wasn't just about the relationship length back then) ... It doesn't sound like he made that clear early on. he should have, now he's taking advantage of your investment. If he'd been upfront about it from day one, would you really have invested?

The only ways he really could have done "better" is either get a vasectomy before meeting you or just actually desire what you desire.

Or been straight up and honest about never really wanting another child.

He is kind of ‘nagging’ me for sex when I’ve told him I’m struggling to comprehend everything at the moment. Very low about it and he knows it. That’s putting pressure on me a bit and he is guilt tripping me saying I’ve not shown interest in a while. He’s feeling rejected now. I’m not doing it intentionally.

You are upset because you realise you want different things from life so are essentially incompatible. If you want another baby, that is your valid choice, but it won't be with this man. You need to decide if you want to stay with him knowing no more babies or the find someone who would love to have a baby with you. Don't leave it too late.

I think you need to live alone and manage mentally to become stronger emotionally. Currently you are putting all your emotional eggs in one basket and expecting the man you choose to make your world right. This is a road to nowhere. You need to know and respect yourself and learn good boundaries.

*he's done this even after your relationship became established and you blended families

You can’t change it now, you just need to give yourself some time to see if the grief passes and assess if you want to stay or leave.

Neither of you are wrong, you just may not be compatible.

OP, you deserve someone who shares or at least respects your hopes and dreams! Very nice of you to be his ‘support human’ while he has his elective surgery. He must have known how painful it was for you. I’m sure he enjoys your kindness; too bad he doesn’t reciprocate

Agree with all of this. It sounds like you’re a lot more giving than he is, he just wants to do what he wants to do and have you there to support him, including having sex you don’t want while you’re grieving the loss of the life/family you wanted.

It’s 100% understandable why you’re feeling like you are, so don’t keep questioning why you’re so upset by this.

Yes, it’s his body, and yes it’s good that he’s taken responsibility for contraception instead of expecting you to do it (as my ex did, who was adamant he wasn’t having any more kids, but also didn’t like condoms and wouldn’t have dreamed of a vasectomy). However, his decisions have a huge impact on your life too. His decision not to have more children means that you don’t get to decide (in this relationship).

It’s totally normal for you to feel this way and a decent man would be talking to you about it, not pestering for sex (which btw could still result in pregnancy for many months until his semen is all clear).

A decent man would understand that you need time to come to terms with his decision and that having sex right now is the last thing you need.

FWIW when I met my ex we had 5 DCs between us. Of course that was enough, but sharing a child with this man I adored would have made me so happy and in my mind, it would have elevated me from girlfriend to ‘mother of his child’ so that I didn’t constantly feel inferior to his ex.

He said right from the start that he didn’t want any more, (unless I could guarantee him a boy, which of course I couldn’t!) because his DD(4) was the baby of the family and she wouldn’t like not being the baby any more. However he never took responsibility for contraception and would do reckless things, almost as if to test that if I got pregnant I would ‘take care of it’.

Of course now that we’re not together I’m so relieved not to share custody of a child with him, as he would have been an awful coparent for me and any child.

I think it’s something like 75% of second marriages that end in divorce. With someone so apparently selfish as your partner that would seem more likely. If you desperately want another child, it’s not too late. Even if you go it alone. You won’t get this time back. But you may find another partner better suited to you.

Take some time to yourself. Don’t be pressured into sex or even telling him you find him attractive. He sounds like a needy dick head to me.

You need space to process your loss and to consider what’s important to you in the next phase of your life.

I don’t think a man is in the wrong for not being happy about a pregnancy.

After all, a woman can choose to terminate a pregnancy at any point and the man has no say in that. Similarly he can tell her he’s not happy about a pregnancy and would not want to be a part of that, and the woman can choose to either carry on with the pregnancy or not.

And frequently on here posters say that if a man didn’t want more children then he should have a vasectomy, and that is exactly what he has done.

The OP chose to have a termination. When you have an unplanned pregnancy you can’t be sure that you are both going to be on board with that, but the choice to terminate is the OP’s and the OP’s alone.

Ultimately OP and this man are not compatible. She wants more children, he doesn’t.But it seems he’s made that fairly clear from the outset and the OP has chosen to stay.

Now OP has two choices. Break up her family on the off-chance she meets someone else to have children with. Someone who is a decent step parent to her existing child, someone who has all the traits of her current partner with the need and fertility for children. Or stay in the relationship where she knew already that children weren’t on the cards.

He’s be honest. He’s said that he doesn’t want children, and he’s had the vasectomy in order that the OP not be fooled into thinking he could change his mind.

I loved alone for 7 years, felt stronger by myself, knew when to leave relationships that weren’t going anywhere, felt confidence in myself, I rent privately have a nice house for me and my boy it was just me and him for years, this is different though I’ve investing more into this relationship and sacrificed a lot for him.

To me there is a contradiction to these statements.

I agree that a vasectomy was absolutely the right thing for him to do if he wanted one. It is his choice and his choice alone if he wants one but it effects your and you will experience both emotional fallout and new life choices to make if he goes through with it.

Equally however the abortion was your choice and your choice alone and he coerced you into that.

I don’t think he is quite as good as you think he is OP I’m sorry.

Anyone with any emotional intelligence or empathy would see the connection here - he’s either devoid of empathy or a bit thick if he can’t see why you don’t want sex at the moment.

I've been in that place. DH didn't anymor dc, I did and when he had a vasectomy, I was heartbroken. I remember explaining to him that I was grieving for that child that would never be and he just could NOT understand what I was going on about. The child didnt exist so why was I upset?

I'll be honest it took time for me to feel ok with the decision again. Just like you I never felt it was wrong of him to take that decision. But the decision was still extremely hurtful to me....

What I will say though, is don't try and convince yourself that you can't leave him because you've invested so much and sacrificed so much lareday. It's a fallacy. What you have invested so far doesnt mean that steping back now is either a failure or will cost too much.
But before going into the 'I can't stay with you if we don't have child together', I think you need to give yourself a bit of time for grieving what could have been.

He's telling you he isn't in this for the long run. I would leave him for that alone.

So am I right in thinking you're not married yet, and you're not living together full-time yet?

I know it's not ideal to stop seeing each others kids and for your kids to stop seeing each other, but as I said before, it happens all the time and kids are resilient.

And I know you have feelings for him.

But ... You are not actually super invested or tied in here.

Which is a v good thing in the circumstances.

Really? An unwanted children is no minor thing. Having a child is a massive sea change in a relationship, even when it’s wanted and welcomed by both parties. Having another child was something that was clearly a dealbreaker for him, and he’s well within his rights to feel that way.

it seems he recognised that it was entirely OP’s choice whether to continue or not, but was honest with her as to his feelings and what it would mean for him. He shouldn’t have lied to her and let her make decisions based on a reality that didn’t exist. That would be shitty.

Having another child was something that was clearly a dealbreaker for him, and he’s well within his rights to feel that way.

Well then he clearly should have had the vasectomy before shagging women of child bearing age then!

And he also should have stated clearly that he did not want another child, early in the relationship.

It is a potential deal breaker for many women;

I find many men do not make themselves clear on deal breakers for women .. when they're looking at sex, fun, companionship etc with a new, attractive woman. They are conveniently reticent until they've gotten what they want for a while (and they think she's too invested to leave).

It’s me that was breaking down in public after the abortion, it’s me who has to compromise about the vasectomy. Like I said his choice but it’s not him making compromises for this relationship it’s me.

This man isn't good for you though.
Yes it's his choice to have the snip. Yes it's his right to say no more chikldren (and I imagine after the scare of the pg, he wants to make sure this will never happen to him again).

However, the way he is acting, as if your feelings don't matter. You are expected to fall in line and do as he says and that's no more children etc... tells me he either completely lack empathy or he thinks you are nothing but a skivvy who should do as she is told. Oh and btw that includes wex because you know... his needs... and you are supposed to be looking after him don't you know?

So basically you have two major issues there.

• your grief and that's pretty OK for you to be grieving for a child you are longing for.
• his behaviour towards you, which is crap.

Id decide your next steps on the second point (because this affects EVERYTHING) and give yourself time to heal and grieve (aka don't be hard on yourself).
But don't conflate the two.

I don't understand why it's always you who has to 'sacrifice' something for this 'relationship' ??

Just why ?

|Why are you always allowing him to make these huge, life altering decisions e.g an abortion and a vasectomy, when you're not 'ok' with them ?

It's time for you to speak up about what you want/need !

For a start, I'd be telling him that he can shut up about having sex right now, as you're not interested in sex at all right now ! Tell him straight ! (He has zero problems in telling you straight, does he ??)

Tell him honestly about how the 'option' of a future child being taken away is a huge deal to you, and although you understand and respect his 'reasons' and respect it was his choice to make about his body, it nontheless impacts you too ! So he either allows you the time/space you need to assess your own feelings and grief about a 'possible future' being taken away from you, or he can leave ! Because your feelings of confusion/coldness/grief are just as bloody valid as any of his feelings/wants/desires ffs !

You may well find that you never feel the same about him again, and end up splitting up because of his 'expectations' that you always have to defer to his wants/needs/desires, while ignoring your own !

So again, exactly why is this 'relationship' so bloody 'great', when it's always YOU who has to make the 'sacrifices/ ?

Is therapy, joint and/or separately an option?

There’s clearly a huge disconnect in regards to your respective emotions, and a lack of understanding of one another. You’re grappling with a new reality and your feelings towards that, and it sounds like he’s looking to find the footing of the relationship again and be reassured by normality resuming.

and it sounds like he’s looking to find the footing of the relationship again and be reassured by normality resuming.

Or he just wants sex.

It can easily be simple, selfish and base as well. In fact, it's more likely.

I had a friend who was bullied into an abortion fifteen years ago, how I hated her husband, yes husband, for that. But it doesn’t really sound like the same thing, it sounds like OP accepted it was not right at the time and in any case ultimately it was her decision, as indeed it was my friends.

Regarding the vasectomy, I think it makes a pleasant change to see a man making a decision about his fertility and OP, it is no reflection on you, you keep saying things like he doesn’t think enough of you and what you want, but then that would go both ways, the reality is he is looking at it from his stand point which is right. I find it preferable to these men that go around having more and more children every time they enter a new relationship.

To me the family unit of four sounds lovely, but ultimately you want different things and I don’t think either of you is wrong.