long post sorry. I feel incredibly down. Like worse than I’ve felt in a very long time. After I basically told him how I felt last Tuesday ( that I wasn’t sure about his decision to get vasectomy), we were basically split up. There was no room for compromise for him and with that came a sense of acceptance from myself that he didn’t want children with me. I’ve got my boy he’s got his daughter and I suppose I really should be grateful for that. He basically said he didn’t want us to break up. But I’d already told my mum everything. Told her it was over. He asked me whether I was still going with him Thursday for the vasectomy. At that point I felt like I couldn’t be with him but I would still be there for him despite my feelings. When he asked me to still go with him I had such warmth in my heart that he would reach out to me. I told him I needed some time to really accept and adjust to this. But Thursday I went with him we made a day out of it and in all honesty it ended up being a really nice day/road trip with him. But something in me was very very detached from him in a way, we had a laugh but it seemed like something had really disappeared between us , in my heart I felt like he was more a friend than the man I was once in love with. Sex has been off the table for ages because of all the arguments we’ve had. And especially now after this. I’ve had some health problems putting me off as well so we’ve not had that intimacy for a while ( he says weeks but it’s been more like 2 weeks).
There’s something in me that feels like I’m grieving something and I don’t know why, I cannot understand why I feel a sense of grief about this:(:( but it’s actually really painful unlike anything I’ve felt before really so it’s difficult to convey it to him. I was there for him Thursday and he was incredibly grateful and really appreciated my support. I was happy to be there for him because I do love him and couldn’t not be there for him especially when he asked me. I’m glad I went with him. But like I said there’s a sense of loss in a way and I don’t know why. I made a list of pros and cons for his decision. There were more pros than cons. It makes sense to me not to have more kids. But it’s that the possibility has been taken away from me. It’s much more complex than just agreeing with his decision. I have a deep sense of disappointment right now. I feel quite empty. I feel quite lost and alone. I feel like something has been taken away from me. I feel quite inadequate, not important enough to be heard by him, a bit disrespected in a wierd way, like my life is a bit meaningless, a bit frustrated that I’ve been single more or less nearly 8 years waiting and hoping for my lucky break in finding mr. right, I feel like I found him and he can’t give me the possibility of more kids. I feel I’d feel different if it was a case of him not being able to have kids for medical reason..but it’s his decision to not have kids because ‘he doesn’t want more kids’ that’s difficult for me to understand him really and whether I can base my future on such a vague and selfish explanation. I’m torn between thinking ‘well it’s his body he can do whatever he wants (which he is obviously entitled to do), and ‘he’s not considering me in his decision’. And that’s what hurts, is that I feel that I don’t really mean that much to him, he doesn’t love me as much as he says he does and it’s his way or the highway. I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to completely dismiss my own feelings and thoughts about this. There are more pros than cons to him having the snip. I’m basing all of my thoughts and feelings on the idea that I possibly may want kids when I push 40 odd, it’s that fear that I may start panicking when the big 4-0 approaches and the thought of not having given myself a chance to find somebody who is willing to give me the world.
I’ve become so distant. I’m very quiet naturally anyway but this is such a different and kind of unsettling kind of silence in me. Like I’ve been covered in a blanket, it’s in a way quite soothing, it’s a sense of detachment where nothing aggravates me or angers me, it’s more of a deep acceptance in me that I’m not allowed something, like a sense of meaning has been stripped away from me. I’m not sure if I’m making sense really. But as a woman intrinsically here to bear children….I feel trapped in that i feel like I can’t find anybody better than him who loves me like he does, we’ve bonded as a family…I feel like I can’t leave that as it’s special to me. It’s what I’ve wanted. A little family even if we don’t have a child together we have two beautiful ones between us. I should be grateful there’s noway I could throw away such a blessing.
But today was difficult. His mother and uncle and aunty came to visit. And I spent the day feeling incredibly low thinking about his decision Thursday. And I cannot shake this feeling that i feel like i’m grieving something.
Bit of background. Emotionally neglected as a child by father. Abandoned by my mother when I was 8. String of toxic relationships. Had a child with a narcissist. And it scared me so much. That was nearly 8 years ago. Tried dating/relationships but they’ve always ended badly. Finally found somebody who was willing to fight for me and stick around. Felt loved. Got pregnant and he told me to get rid of it. Now he’s done this vasectomy and doesn’t want any more kids. It’s like I’ve waited a long time for my happy ending and it’s not been much of a happy ending in all honesty. And it’s almost as if it’s my karma. Like I deserve this or rather i don’t deserve my happy ending. And I’m getting on a bit now. If I choose to end it there’s no guarantee I’ll find someone anyway To have more children with. I guess it’s this sense of loss that I was single for so long, left on The shelf kind of thing and i guess it’s that feeling of being ‘past it’. That disappointment that it’s never going to happen for me. Even though I should be grateful that there is somebody who loves me. It’s so complex I’m not sure how I feel myself even. The best I can describe it as is this sense of emptiness and loneliness. Even though I have him and my boy. He bought me a big bunch of flowers delivered them to me today with some nice chocolates. As a thank you to me for going with him Thursday. I got them this morning just before I was about to go to his to meet his aunty and uncle. I thanked him then he asked me a random question that made me feel a bit uncomfortable ‘do you still fancy me?’ And it may have made me feel uncomfortable because I wasn’t sure how to answer. It made me feel awkward because it was crap timing to ask. But I wasn’t massively reassuring towards him:/ I said ‘ye I do’ but just said bit awkward just before I meet your family. I’m not sure if I still have that desire towards him at this moment in time because of how low I feel and because of what he’s done. I’ve asked him to give me a bit of time to really adjust to all this. But I found today extremely overwhelming and I was very distant. It annoys me how casually he talks about the snip. He told his mum as well. And she was there today. And I just felt incredibly awkward in all honesty. His uncle and aunty mentioned his previous wedding as well which made me feel uncomfortable. I felt slightly judged by them and felt like his aunty was comparing me to his ex wife. (I get the impression the aunty got on alright with his ex wife). I increasingly because uncomfortable today although they were lovely. Deep sadness in me. He noticed but then he started having a go at me or making me feel guilty for not being intimate with him for a while. I simply haven’t felt like it because of health issues and because of him deciding to get the snip and because of arguments. The last argument we had is when I really shut down with him. It was akin to gaslighting. Yesterday he decided to change his Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’. I told him I do need time to think about and process what’s happened but that I can’t throw away what I have now, him and this small family, I can’t throw that away. So he did that, bought me flowers…yet today he had a go at me for not showing interest in him sexually. Felt incredibly awkward because his family were around but I literally couldn’t bring myself to be normal or affectionate with him. I don’t know why I’m like this it’s such a fucked up situation to be in and I’ve not really experienced anything like this before. It’s so difficult. And I came home earlier with my boy and I can’t even bring myself to message him:/ I genuinely don’t know what to say to him without it sounding formal or detached. Plus I have no idea how to make sense of what I’m feeling right now anyway so don’t want to make things worse. He’s more concerned about me not showing any sexual interest. I literally don’t know what to say to him.