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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband texted sex worker

48 replies

Baloobear34 · 28/08/2022 00:57

Hi everyone

Please take it easy on me- my head is all over the place.

Background is hard working, caring Husband (not great at showing it but always says Love you etc) children together, together 15+ years.

Living apart recently due to work and I found a text on his phone the following week.

He had been out with a friend, been drinking but not horribly drunk as he sent me a perfectly coherent message an hour before sending this text. The text read ‘massage available?’, sent after midnight and when I googled the number it was to a sex worker.

I confronted him. He initially was like a rabbit in headlights. Said he was enquiring about a back massage for the next day, then said something about being curious. The number did not reply (or call as I checked call history). He said he totally forgot about sending it and if it had of been anything with intent or anything he’d really thought about he would’ve deleted it from his phone so just a stupid text messing about. He said he’s always been a good loyal husband and there was nothing to this.

I spoke about how I saw this as a betrayal, about how disgusting it was, about how it made me question our life together. He was distraught and adamant that I am the most important thing in the world to him, none of the rest of it is possible without me etc etc. I think he got scared that I would leave.

From my point of view I am an insecure person anyway. So I don’t know if I’m making a mountain out of a molehill or if this is horribly shitty. It’s been a few months now and I just keep going over it in my head.

I think what annoys me most is that I feel like he has lied about his thoughts/ intentions when sending the text. He said it was one of the first sites to come up when he googled…although it certainly wasn’t when I searched for back massages locally. And I just don’t buy the texting a number for a back massage so late at night. He hadn’t messaged any other (legit) massage places that night or in the days afterwards.

Now I’m at a point where I’m thinking about it daily. I’m starting therapy in a few weeks to talk about it all as I don’t want to say to family/ friends. Honestly if you knew us you would think I was making this up, he’s generally a very decent guy.

I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s been dishonest in his explanation, and that hurts even more than the text I think. How the hell do I get past this? I’m exhausted going over it in my head.

Thank you to anyone who made it all the way to the end 🙂

OP posts:
Pumpkinbite · 28/08/2022 01:00

You can’t get over the idea that he has been dishonest because he has been dishonest

id he going to therapy or doing any action to work on your relationship or just you?

Bellyups · 28/08/2022 01:13

I couldn’t forget that.

Bellyups · 28/08/2022 01:16

Also, ‘massage available?’, doesn’t read like someone who has never messaged a sex worker before

Crumblierthanfeta · 28/08/2022 01:30

Bellyups · 28/08/2022 01:16

Also, ‘massage available?’, doesn’t read like someone who has never messaged a sex worker before

I agree

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2022 01:33

This was not his first time paying for a sex worker.

Neverhot · 28/08/2022 01:35

Op it's very clear what he was asking for and that was not a back massage. It also sounds like it's not the first time he's used sex worker's services.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2022 01:36

Bellyups · 28/08/2022 01:16

Also, ‘massage available?’, doesn’t read like someone who has never messaged a sex worker before

This. You'd have to be very silly and in denial to believe it.

I'm so sorry.

sunlovingcriminal · 28/08/2022 01:40

I'm not sure why you're going to counselling to help get your head round this. He has been dishonest, this isn't something that you need help in "making sense of", this is something that he needs to be honest about. He isn't telling you the full truth here, don't let yourself or anyone else tell you this is your head jumping to conclusions.

Ihatethenewlook · 28/08/2022 01:42

Bellyups · 28/08/2022 01:16

Also, ‘massage available?’, doesn’t read like someone who has never messaged a sex worker before

He’s obviously used this specific sex worker before to just message that.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 28/08/2022 01:44

He had been out with a friend, been drinking but not horribly drunk as he sent me a perfectly coherent message an hour before sending this text

I can get very drunk in less than an hour, OP! So he may have been plastered and done it on a stupid whim.

He said he totally forgot about sending it and if it had of been anything with intent or anything he’d really thought about he would’ve deleted it from his phone

This does seem plausible. Can you get him to have therapy too? And talk this over with him at more length. There are a lot of forces undermining relations between men and women, and encouraging men to treat women as objects. He needs to really understand how much it matters.

Best of luck, OP. I hope you don't either end a basically good relationship, or get suckered into staying in a degrading one.

ArtistViv · 28/08/2022 01:46

That's awful, OP. If it were me, I'd be feeling the same. Please get an STI test, you can get them online if easier/ more preferable, and I know it probably feels unconscionable to have to even consider this, but your physical wellbeing is just as important as your mental and emotional.

Agree with PP, that the wording of his text doesn't sound like it's the first time.

Snoozley · 28/08/2022 01:55

Really sorry you going through this... I've just discovered my husband has been on sex chats with cam girls and he's fun up huge debt... Devastated. He sees it as fantasy not infidelity .... In my opinion it anything like my dh he could have a secret life you know nothing about . The fact you found it and he is minimising it is because he doesn't want you to know the truth. He might reflect or sound plausible but could be blatantly lying. I am shocked how my th has led a double life for possibly several years. I put him under huge pressure, massive rows , threatened to leave before he confessed the secret credit cards. We are now trying to sort debt out. It is a shame we have to go to counselling because of our husbands actiins... I am a confident person but this discovery has shattered me as I am faced with a new reality and left with stark choice of persevering or ending marriage... It's affected mental health because of shock and stress . Please know this isn't your fault. You are good enough you are worthy and you deserve truth and your feelings are valid not paranoid.. These men are dickheads. They don't know what they have until they're about to lose it. The dick rules the brain and they panic when they're caught but it won't stop them. They get better at hiding... But you'll find out eventually. They're selfish gits who don't deserve us

Original poster
Baloobear34 · 28/08/2022 07:29

Thanks everyone

I just can’t imagine that he’s done this (or more) before. But then again I would’ve said there’s no way he’d ever contact a sex worker so I’m probably horribly naive.

I don’t think he’ll ever tell me the truth because to admit what he was actually thinking that night and to back track on what he’s already said would look too bad for him now.

I think I need to be clear that unless I have the full truth there’s never any chance of me getting over this

@Snoozley sorry you’re going through this 🙁

OP posts:
Aikko · 28/08/2022 07:30

He’s been shagging sex workers and is only sorry you’ve found out. Simple as.

Andromachehadabadday · 28/08/2022 07:36

Op in this situations I always think what are the chances that this is the first time he has done this AND got caught.

Can I ask why you were in his messages? I am not trying to be rude or mean, but usually it means you knew something was wrong.

Most people looking outside their marriage don’t get caught at the first inappropriate message.

I agree with PP, his text message doesn’t read as someone not familiar with this situation.

You are getting therapy to get your head around a situation, you can’t get your head around it because you know it is bullshit.

I am so sorry

Cornflakegirll · 28/08/2022 07:38

I’m so sorry but the idea that this is his first text to a sex worker and you found it is WAY too coincidental for me. The message itself sounds like a man who knows how to approach it.

This does not sound like his first time.

BuenoSucia · 28/08/2022 07:39

I’m so sorry OP, he’s a regular.

me looking for a massage? “Hi!, you were recommended to me by Jane and I’ve got a really sore back and feel stressed and exhausted. How does it all work, how much is it and do you have any availability either Tuesday or Thursday this week?”.

I also wouldn’t send it after midnight…

Cornflakegirll · 28/08/2022 07:45

Baloobear34 · 28/08/2022 07:29

Thanks everyone

I just can’t imagine that he’s done this (or more) before. But then again I would’ve said there’s no way he’d ever contact a sex worker so I’m probably horribly naive.

I don’t think he’ll ever tell me the truth because to admit what he was actually thinking that night and to back track on what he’s already said would look too bad for him now.

I think I need to be clear that unless I have the full truth there’s never any chance of me getting over this

@Snoozley sorry you’re going through this 🙁

You’re right. You absolutely can not rugsweep this. This has to be faced straight on. He will lie, he already has to your face!

I absolutely hate to say this but you will also need STD tests.

Chellabella · 28/08/2022 07:48

If he doesn’t admit that he knows it was a sex worker then this is the bit stopping you from ever moving past it. First he has to be honest otherwise what’s the point.

girlmom21 · 28/08/2022 07:57

He told you if he was serious he'd have deleted it, so that's what he's done previously.

christmas2022 · 28/08/2022 08:18

Bellyups · 28/08/2022 01:16

Also, ‘massage available?’, doesn’t read like someone who has never messaged a sex worker before

I thought the same. How would you know that's what to write?

christmas2022 · 28/08/2022 08:21

girlmom21 · 28/08/2022 07:57

He told you if he was serious he'd have deleted it, so that's what he's done previously.

Oh shit. Yeah.

I'm so sorry op, you do not deserve this at all. What you say about finding out the whole truth about his past and him not being honest is a tricky one as I agree he is unlikely to admit. Could you message the number from his phone again and see if any further info can be found?

The answer is there even though you don't have the evidence. It's harder to leave that way, but I'm not sure what the future looks like if you stay. Especially if he has to go away for work. That wil just be an absolute mind fuck for you xx

Adventurine · 28/08/2022 08:25

Wouldn't you say something like "hi, I'm looking for a back massage asap, do you have availability? If so, can you send me your price list? Thanks!" If I was messaging a masseuse or masseur, I wouldn't ask them "massage available?" That's like messaging a bakery with "bread?"

He's lying.

sangletea · 28/08/2022 09:45

Why were you checking his texts? What else has happened to make you suspicious?

Original poster
Baloobear34 · 28/08/2022 09:57

I checked his phone as we were in the process of trying to buy a house and I wanted to look at the brochure for one and the estate agent had text it to Husband’s phone. We were watching tele and he had fallen asleep on the sofa beside me.

I had never given much thought to the wording of his message suggesting it wasn’t his first time sending a message like this. Struggling to get my head round that.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I just can’t talk to anyone about this in real life.

OP posts: